There she is, just walking down the drab corridors. Even just the simple act of wandering to her lab lights up the dull greys as far as I'm concerned. She's singing something to herself, I can tell by the way her step has a slight bounce in it and her head bobs from one side to the other slightly occasionally.
As I reach her lab door, being careful to be far enough behind her so it doesn't look like I was following her, I peer around the corner. She only been in there 2 minutes and she's already engrossed in something. Without looking up I see a smirk cross her face, "you know sir, you can come in…" at that I can feel the embarrassment of being caught fighting to show on my face. I should have known she would have known I was there, if that makes any sense.
As I wander into her lab I take in the change of scenery even from yesterday. Things are in and out of this lab so fast no wonder she has to stay here until all hours. At least since her dad died she has spent some time off base. Most of it with me, Danny and T. well, lets be honest now, quite a bit of it with me. I have no idea what dad said to her but it's definitely worked in my favour!
I look up from my contemplation to see her staring at me, not even quizzically but as lost in thought as I was. It's certainly been a while since it's happened, but it's still uncomfortable. I clear my throat and start to gibber incoherently about the particular piece of scrap metal cross decorative vase type object she's playing with this morning. I can tell from her face she is thankful I didn't let the silence linger.
As she goes off into another technical speech, that she should know by now I won't understand, I realise how things have changed lately. Not only have we been spending more time together outside of work but things seem to have changed in work, I've caught her off in thought which is has been unusual lately. Since that awful Pete guy appeared on the scene those thoughtful moments have become rare, the ones where I get the strange feeling she's thinking about me. I'm probably being big-headed though, just wishful thinking. Also things have become like they were years ago outside of work. Like when we are watching a rubbish DVD together, because T and Daniel had made crap excuses not to be there, she would curl up to me and relax into the contact I offer as I wrap my arm gingerly around her. Wanting her near to me, not wanting to be rejected or make her uncomfortable but needing to feel her close. Now, more than ever, she accepts the contact and, after a while, snuggles up to me, needing the closeness as much as I do.
As I stand there responding with a "yes", "hmm" or "really" occasionally, I wish that Kerry hadn't been there that day she came to talk to me, wish id been able to hear her out. It hadn't come up since then, and I wasn't sure she would try and bring it up again. I could tell by her face she felt rejected and foolish. Now I realise it was me that was the foolish one. I had something and pushed it away. What if I never get that chance again? Have I thrown away any chance for us? God, I hope not. I realise she's stopped speaking and is staring again, waiting for a response.
"Fascinating Carter." She can tell my tone is sarcastic but not mocking and smiles, the smile I long to see as I wake up lately. Almost long for it so much that I ache. "So, DVD night as usual tonight?" I say lightly. It's Tuesday, our "team day", that half the team never turn up to, so more of a me-and-Sam night, but neither of us would admit that. It's far too dangerous.
"Sure." She smiles at me and my heart skips a beat again. I can feel myself involuntarily smile in return. "What DVD tonight?" the look in her eyes tells me she genuinely is looking forward to it. Just us. We've even lapsed back into being on a first name basis, something that has been missing since the little zanex incident, or maybe even before. When we started to get closer than we should have.
"You choose anything you fancy. Ill even sit through a chick-flick." I involuntarily grimace at the thought. She laughs quietly knowing I abhor 'girly' films. I know now as I look at that smile cross her face that tonight it HAS to come out of the room or I'm going to go mad, wacko, crazy, out my tree and all the other clichés you can think of. I notice an evil grin cross her face and I know I really shouldn't have offered to watch a girl film with her. On that I smile genuinely at her and leave.
For the rest of the day I sit in a world of my own, planning what I'm going to do or say. Is it fair on her to expect more than I have? I know it isn't but I can't go on like this, it's corny but I need her, and I need her to know if nothing else. I sit staring at my watch, wishing the time to go by faster. I need to do this and get it out of the way before I lose my nerve.
As the doorbell rings a part of me screams not to answer and the other part of me flips my stomach so hard I can hardly breathe. I pause, moving towards the door slowly. Not knowing what to say for once. No smart-alec comment prepared, no sarcasm. As I open the door my breath catches. She looks amazing. She must have noticed me staring as she's looking uncomfortably towards her shoes. Fumbling I open the door and invite her in. my intoxicated brain searching feebly for something to say to her. All I manage is, "so, what DVD did you get?"
"Well, you did say anything..." the words were said as though she was taunting me, "So I got Sleepless in Seattle out." She looked slightly embarrassed as if she was afraid I would think of her as the girl again after all these years of trying to prove herself. I smile at her reassuringly and she relaxes. As she heads to the sofa I stride to the kitchen to get beer. If I'm going to tell her tonight I'm going to need some help. I laugh at the thought that I, Jack O'Neill, who has fought most bad guys from here to the Crab Nebula and probably a bit further away too, needs alcohol to tell the woman he likes, loves if he's being honest, how he feels. Grabbing a crate of beer I go back into the living room, sitting beside her, as has become our ritual lately. She presses play and, to my surprise, leans back into the arm I have casually draped over the back of the sofa almost immediately. In my semi-stunned state I don't react and she starts to pull away. As I feel the contact lighten and gradually leave my arm cold I wrap my arm around her tentatively and she pauses for a second as if asking permission. As she pauses I squeeze her shoulder slightly, not taking my eyes away from the opening sequence, then she relaxes back into the touch. The feeling of her snuggling into my shoulder as she bring her feet up onto the sofa is more comforting than a thousand smiles. I begin to relax, wondering when I should tell her. I pull her slightly closer. We sit like this for a while, neither of us really paying attention to the film playing out in front of us. For a moment my bold streak takes over and I push her forwards slightly, sliding my leg onto the couch so I have one leg either side of her, then I pull her back into me. As I lean her onto my chest part of my screams that I shouldn't be doing this, but as she leans into me and lays her head gently onto my chest I know its right.
We lay like that, my arms encircling her waist, her lying back onto my chest until the film finishes. As the final credits roll I look down and realise she's asleep. As deep a sleep as I've ever seen her in. And yes, I have watched off world as she slept. She looks so peaceful now. Her frown lines gone and the stress drained from her body. I desperately want to just fall asleep with her here. That way if she doesn't want me when I finally tell her how I feel I've at least known what it feels like to hold her close to me and wake up with her in my arms. I know it's selfish but this just feels so right. My decent side takes over and I start to move to sit her up. As I shift in my seat her eyes flutter open and she freezes as she realises where she is. She turns and gives me a shy smile.
"Sorry, I should probably get going…." Her statement seemed open, as if she was half hoping for an invitation to stay. I wasn't gong to pass up on that, no way!
"You, colonel, are far too tired to drive." My tone was jokey turning serious as I noticed the drawn look on her tired face. "You can stay in the spare room, ill go and put some sheets on." I move to get up but she stops me.
"Don't go to any trouble, I'll just sleep here." By here I'm not sure if she means on my chest or the sofa. A sly grin spreads across my face at the thought of her spending the night lay across me. A shy smile lit her face at the realisation of what she had just said, but she didn't try and take the statement back.
"We have to talk." Oh, god! Have I really just said that? Now? Engage brain, then speak next time genius! Well, no time like the present eh! Her face dropped, a look of fear crossed her face and I regret saying anything. "Or we could not." I know it's already too late to offer her a way out, it's out there now. Just hovering, lingering just over our heads.
"I think we need to." She obviously can't look at me. I have a feeling I know what ill see if she does look at me. That look. The one I first saw when she begged me to leave her behind that goa'uld force field.
We both sat in silence, each silently wishing the other to go first. It seemed like an eternity, an uncomfortable one at that. I looked up at her, knowing she didn't want to meet my gaze, a part of me wishing that she wouldn't. The realisation that I still had my arms around her slowly dawned on me. Should I move away from her, or stay where I am? At that moment she looks up at me, not needing to say anything she turns, careful not to break the contact, towards me putting her hand gingerly on my waist. Still not meeting my gaze. Her eyes seemingly fixated on her hand, as if expecting me to pull away, unconsciously my fingers delicately trace an invisible line up and down her arm. Her eyes close slightly as she speaks.
"You know, the last time things got this close to being got out into the open was when you had that asgard repository downloaded into your head." She's half laughing at herself but I can see the pain in her face from the memory. I have so many things I want to say but my brain wont engage with my mouth. All I can do is pull her gently towards me, hoping she gets the message. She takes up the contact and buries her head into my chest. Not a friendly embrace but one of hurt and comfort, and I hope, something more. Her arms wrap around my waist as I tighten my hold on her. I rest my head on hers as she nestles into my chest.
"I've made a big mistake." I feel her pull away self consciously; I hold her tighter knowing it's now or never. "I told you once before, when that computer probe thingy took you over, just after I…." my voice falters at the memory of it, "after I shot you. When I thought it was my last chance, even though I knew you probably couldn't hear me." A lump catches in my throat as I remember sitting at her bedside, all hope drained from my body. Hoping she would just wake up and look at me and smile.
"Told me what?" her voice is muffled as it drifts to my ears from my chest.
"That, well, that," all my old fears come back. Once I've said it I can't take it back. My nerve waivers. My mind races as it goes through all the times I've almost lost her. I swallow nervously, wishing for her to be asleep. As I feel her stir I know it really is now or never. She pulls away from me enough for me to look her straight in the eye. What I see there stuns me. Her eyes glisten, willing me to say what I need to. Giving me the strength to tell her. I decide if I just blurt it out at least it will be over with. I take a deep breath and let it just pour out in a torrent of feeling. "Well, it's like this, I, well, you know, I'm not really very good at this sort of stuff, but, well, here you go, I love you." I dare to look into her eyes, and what I see there surprises me. She grinning up at me, her eyes laughing.
"Breathe." That's all she can say! I realise that I am actually holding my breath. I can feel her staring at me. Her gaze burning a hole into me. Eventually I look at her. I know why she doesn't reply. She knows she doesn't have to. I laugh at my own nervousness and at the slightly embarrassed smile on her face. As she moves back into my embrace, I move a hand to her face. Gently cupping her cheek, she freezes and then accepts my touch. I jerkily move towards her, her eyes close and our lips meet. Not the perfect first kiss people get in films, a tentative kiss, short and slightly rigid. As we break apart I laugh at our embarrassment and nervousness. I tighten my arms around her and give her a kiss to end all kisses, and she matches me all the way. Taking my breath away and making my heart soar. Finally breaking apart she rests her forehead on mine, whispering that she loves me. A huge grin sweeps across my face as I move to lie behind her. She's mine, for however long it may be, but certainly tonight. And I'm not letting go of her again if I can help it.
I sigh unconsciously as I feel sleep overcoming me, relishing the sensation of her delicate frame pressed against me, my head buried in her hair. Even though pray she wants me for good I'll take just tonight if that's all I can get. My grip tightens around her and she slips her fingers into mine. She moves back, getting as close to me as she can.
"Is this for keeps Jack?" to hear her use my name in that gentle tone of voice causes my heart to flop. I feel her tense, waiting for my response.
"Hell yea. This is for always, if you want it to be that is." I mean it. I'm scared she will be undecided but she squeezes my hand and in the softest voice imaginable tells me it's definitely what she wants, no matter how we get around the rules to make it happen. I kiss the back of her head and let her breathing lull me into the arms of sleep, a smile still fixed on my face. This is definitely for keeps.