Now We Are Practical Men of the World (We Tether Our Dreams to the Turf)
4 N.I.C., Phezzan
Being in the tropics of Phezzan meant that the temperature rarely changed, but the weather did. After months of relatively clear skies, monsoon season swept in overnight, stabbing rain down the slick windows of every building, drenching anyone who dared to set foot outside. For Kircheis, the constant drumming of water on every roof and wall was soothing, in its way. The garish neon of Phezzani signage was improved by sparkling off wet asphalt, glowing like beacons through the haze.
Annerose spent long hours sitting by the huge plate windows of the house, embroidery falling halfway off her lap, just watching the rain come down. She was heavily pregnant now, even loose dresses unable to disguise it. Unless Kircheis asked, she said almost nothing about it. He didn't want to press her.
They had settled into the familiarity of routine, though, as always, there was the sense that they were working with a time limit. Soon after this, a baby would be born, and after that- Kircheis didn't want to think about it. It could have been the weather, but a pall of anxiety seemed to hang over everyone that Kircheis spoke to. Nobody could go three minutes in a conversation without their eyes flicking to the nearest clock. He wasn't immune to this, either. As on a ship, the muted daylight from the rain made the days seem out of time; nine in the morning was the same brightness as four in the afternoon.
What occupied most of the chatter around fleet headquarters and the capitol was the assault on Iserlohn that was still thought to be taking place in just a few months' time. There were whispers up and down the hallways, ones that conspicuously stopped when Kircheis strode by, though he knew exactly what people were saying.
Kaiser Reinhard wanted to lead one last assault before he died, claim the universe for his heir. Did he have the strength to do so? For the second time in Reinhard's career, there were people doubting his abilities. Could the nearly bedbound Kaiser, with his rapidly disintegrating health, still muster the strength to defeat his fiercest enemy, Yang Wen-li, and the nearly impenetrable Iserlohn fortress? No one knew, and this made the talk feel particularly heavy and disturbing.
No matter how Kircheis turned the situation over in his head, there were no good sides to it. Reinhard was obsessed, pouring his waking hours into planning, spending long days with no one but Reuenthal at his side, talking the issue over.
There were murmurings in Neue Land, too. Stirrings of resentment that bubbled out into riots, quelled by Oberstein with more force than Kircheis would have liked. The people of Neue Land saw the writing on the wall as well as any of Reinhard's staff on Phezzan: everything had the potential to fall apart, especially if Reinhard managed to die in battle against Yang Wen-li. Especially if Yang Wen-li won .
Especially if, committing forces on both sides of the Iserlohn corridor to this battle, the Neue Reich weakened their presence in Neue Land.
Kircheis was coming to one conclusion, one that he knew he shared with a select group of people: Hildegarde von Mariendorf; Wolfgang Mittermeyer; and, far off in Neue Land, Paul von Oberstein. Reinhard must be prevented from going to Iserlohn.
Thinking about it made Kircheis dig his fingernails into his palms. He had never refused Reinhard anything in his life, and this was the thing that Reinhard had fixed his sights on as his greatest wish, the only thing that he could think of to have. But for the sake of the dynasty, and-
He did not want to admit the selfishness of his motivations.
It was for this reason that he and Annerose were paying a dinner visit to the Mittermeyer household. Hilde had been invited as well. On the surface, it was a social occasion: Evangeline Mittermeyer wanting to enjoy the company of the other women in Reinhard's circle on Phezzan. It was not the first such dinner they had had together, and Kircheis figured it wouldn't be the last, but with Annerose not too far from due, the urgency of this quiet discussion was clear.
Kircheis sheltered Annerose from the rain with an umbrella as they hurried from their car to the front door of the Mittermeyer house. The rain was torrential, and thunder rumbled distantly on the horizon, though the center of the storm was not even close yet. Wind pushed them forward and threatened to tug the umbrella out of Kircheis's grip.
Luckily, Eva had been watching out the window for their arrival, and so she pulled the door open for them as soon as they came close, letting them in and getting wet in the process. After greeting Annerose with a warm hug and kiss on both cheeks, Eva scolded Kircheis for attempting to walk through the house with his muddy shoes still on; he took them off.
The Mittermeyer house was warm and inviting, Eva having done a fierce amount of decorating and redecorating over the years. Every corner had her cheerful touch on it: tastefully simple furniture, pale blue painted walls, and a heady selection of potted plants in bloom in unobtrusive locations. Kircheis tangled his fingers in a fern's fronds as he walked past it in the hallway. He headed towards the kitchen where he heard Hilde and Mittermeyer's voices.
Both of them were leaning on the counter, beers in hand, though Mittermeyer also held a dirty potato masher that he seemed to have gotten distracted from using, the bowl of half-mashed potatoes sitting abandoned behind him. Hilde was wearing a more casual green suit, and Mittermeyer was in his shirtsleeves, his uniform cape tossed haphazardly over the granite kitchen island.
"Hey, you're just in time," Mittermeyer said. "Did you see the flooding on your way here?"
"I was warned to take a detour," Kircheis said. "We looped the long way around."
"I do not think I will ever get used to the rainy season." He shook his head, which caused him to notice the potato masher in his hand, and he turned back around to finish the task he had started, a rueful grimace on his face.
"I don't mind it, honestly," Kircheis said. "How have you been, Fraulein Mariendorf?"
"Oh, alright," she said. "Annerose came with you?"
"I did," Annerose said, stepping into the kitchen and greeting Hilde. "I could hardly refuse."
Eva had followed her in, and saw the opened beer can next to her husband's elbow. She rolled her eyes, picked it up, and turned to Hilde, saying, "I picked out a nice wine for dinner and yet he's offering you this."
Hilde laughed. "I've never been picky, Eva."
"I hadn't finished with that!" Mittermeyer said, reaching towards Eva to grab the half-empty can. When she pulled it away from him, he leaned forward further and kissed her, which made her laugh enough that he could successfully snatch the beverage from her grip. She shook her head indulgently.
It was a cheerful gathering, at least for the moment.
They all sat down to eat dinner in the bright dining room, and conversation was light for most of the meal, Eva happy to talk about recent social goings-on around Phezzan, Mittermeyer free to laugh about some of the funnier things that had happened in the military headquarters over the past few weeks, and Hilde relayed a charming anecdote about life back on Odin that she had heard from High Admiral Mecklinger. Annerose was mostly quiet, though that wasn't unusual, these days.
It was when the conversation turned to Neue Land that things grew more serious.
"I suppose I could ask him myself," Hilde began, turning to Mittermeyer, "but I think I'm likely to get a more honest answer out of you. Has Reuenthal given any thought to replacing Oberstein in Neue Land?"
Mittermeyer's brow furrowed ever so slightly. "He's given thought to it, I'm sure," he said. "But I don't know what exactly it is he's thinking."
"You've spoken to him about it?" Kircheis asked.
"Of course," Mittermeyer said. "But I get the feeling that he sometimes says one thing and thinks the other." He swirled his wine glass around. "He's told me he looks forward to it."
"You don't believe him?" Kircheis asked.
"I believe that Iserlohn is taking up a far greater percentage of his thoughts," he finally said. "That's all."
Eva, who had no interest in discussing Reuenthal, turned to Annerose. "Shall we leave the men to their politics?" she asked. "I'd like to hear all about how you're doing."
Annerose put on a smile and glanced at Kircheis. "Do you need me?"
"No," he said. "I'll survive without you, somehow." He smiled.
"Hilde?" Eva asked.
Hilde flushed slightly. "Oh, er, I'll catch up with you later, Eva," she said.
"Ah, I suppose this is a work meeting," Eva said with a wink. "You're so professional." She stood, and so did Mittermeyer, signalling that their gathering would be moving away from the dining room.
"Sorry to steal all the hostess' thunder," Mittermeyer said.
"You can make it up to me some other time." She put her hand on his back for a moment as she walked past. Annerose gave a gracious smile to everyone else and followed her out.
Mittermeyer led Kircheis and Hilde to the drawing room, where they settled themselves on his leather furniture and he poured glasses of whiskey for the three of them.
"You understand that I don't want to misinterpret Reuenthal to you," Mittermeyer said, passing Kircheis the heavy tumbler. "He'd probably appreciate you speaking with him candidly."
"It's hard to know what to speak with him candidly about," Kircheis said. "I get the feeling that if we could convince him to leave Iserlohn be, then we would have a better chance at convincing Kaiser Reinhard. But…" Kircheis tilted his glass to the light.
"Have you tried to talk to him about it?" Hilde asked Mittermeyer. "Aside from His Majesty, you're the one he's most likely to change his mind for."
Mittermeyer didn't meet anyone's eyes as he sat down in his armchair, crossing his legs and leaning back, feigned relaxation. "I'm afraid that he and Kaiser Reinhard are looking to go to Iserlohn for similar reasons."
Kircheis shook his head. "I hope not. Has he said that?"
"Of course not." There was a somewhat accusatory tone in Mittermeyer's voice, an unspoken 'don't you think I'd be able to tell?'
"It makes me wonder what he is saying to Kaiser Reinhard," Hilde said. "They spend so much time together."
"I don't want to know," Mittermeyer said. "It's not my business." But his gaze flicked to Kircheis's still face when he said this.
"Why did you ask if he was thinking about Neue Land?" Kircheis asked Hilde.
"If there is a way that he could go to Neue Land earlier-"
But Mittermeyer was shaking his head. "His Majesty wouldn't send him away. I'm sure of it." He let out an unintentional breath. "I think he's realized that he likes having his most trusted advisors by his side, rather than scattered everywhere. I wouldn't even be surprised if he called Oberstein back." He trailed off.
"Have you heard anything from Oberstein?" Hilde asked.
"Heard?" Kircheis said. "No. But I can imagine what he's thinking easily enough."
Mittermeyer made a somewhat bitter sound. "The worst possible thing, is what he's thinking."
"He agrees with us, like it or not," he said. "He understands the situation perfectly clearly." Why was he forced to be generous to Oberstein? He hated it.
"What is he thinking?" Hilde asked.
"If he decides that we cannot stop Kaiser Reinhard from our end, he will be forced to take action in Neue Land."
"What kind of action?" Mittermeyer snapped. "He doesn't have the authority-"
Kircheis raised a calming hand, and Mittermeyer frowned but tried to relax, drinking his whiskey. "If there is enough unrest in Neue Land to make committing the fleets there to an Iserlohn attack unfeasible, then Kaiser Reinhard's hand would be forced. That's all."
"He would stir up a rebellion on purpose?" Hilde asked.
"There's plenty of trouble there already," Kircheis pointed out. "He wouldn't have to do anything, really." He didn't want to say his true thoughts aloud, that Oberstein would willingly become yet another sacrifice on Reinhard's altar. If he allowed himself to be assassinated, perhaps by first enforcing some unbearably strict rule on Neue Land and then neglecting his own security, there could be enough chaos raised that resources would have to be committed to marshalling Neue Land back into its proper order. And Reuenthal would need to be sent to rule it. For all of Kircheis's mixed feelings about Oberstein, he wanted to avoid seeing that happen.
"True," Hilde said. "I wouldn't want to stir things up very much, though. It's dangerous."
"He might figure that less damage will be done overall," Kircheis said.
"If His Majesty is able to take Iserlohn easily-" Mittermeyer began, and there was still a twinge of hope in his voice.
"I have no doubt that he could," Kircheis said. "But I do not think it will be easy. And I think it would cost far too much." He shook his head.
Kircheis was right, and Mittermeyer knew it, so he fell silent. Kircheis could understand the desire to defend Reinhard- he wanted to as well- but there were other reasons than the potential for loss that made this dispatch worse than worthless.
"Will Oberstein give us a sign before he goes through with whatever you're sure he's planning?" Hilde asked.
Kircheis's brow furrowed, considering. "If I speak to him beforehand, he might. But I can't be sure." Whatever the bond of loyalty that there was between himself and Oberstein, he didn't know if it stretched that far, especially since they wouldn't be able to speak face to face. "I wouldn't count on it. And even having advance warning-" He shook his head. "I'd rather avoid it entirely."
Hilde nodded.
"So, what are we going to do?" Mittermeyer asked.
"I don't know." And that was a hard admission to make.
"You don't think you have enough sway with him to…" Hilde trailed off when she saw the sad look that passed between Mittermeyer and Kircheis.
"I don't know," Kircheis said again. And this time, in a rare break from composure, he put his head in his hands. "I really don't."
There was a moment of dead silence, and in it, Mittermeyer reached over and put his hand on Kircheis's knee, giving it a squeeze. "I'll talk to Reuenthal again."
"You said I should speak with him candidly," Kircheis said, lifting his head. "Let me, before you do."
Mittermeyer nodded and withdrew his hand. "Of course."
Hilde glanced between the two men, then said, "I think we need to consider the worst case scenario."
Neither Kircheis nor Mittermeyer were known for their overconfidence, so her words were met with nods. Mittermeyer looked at Kircheis. "Will you go to Iserlohn?"
That question was painful, and it took a long moment for Kircheis to answer. "No."
Hilde gave him a sympathetic look. "For the best."
"I know it is," Kircheis said. "If I felt like there was a real choice about it, I would go. But there isn't." Even if the worst came to pass, Kircheis would need to remain on Phezzan, to make sure that the Neue Reich continued. "And he knows that. He hasn't asked me to come."
"So, it will be Reuenthal and me," Mittermeyer said. "He'll have Reuenthal as his chief staff officer, and I'll be on the other side…" His hands closed together on an imaginary Iserlohn, attacking it from both directions. "I won't be able to do much in the way of rescue if things turn badly."
Kircheis hated the words even as he said them. "Would he retreat, if you bought him time?"
"You would know better than I would," Mittermeyer said. They both suspected that the answer was no. "Let's hope things don't go that badly."
"It might be your fleet that will get the brunt of the attention," Hilde said, looking at Mittermeyer. "If it seems like hurting the Neue Land side forces will leave enough of an opening to take back Heinessen, or something of the sort…"
"I'll do my best to ensure that there isn't a breakthrough. But I don't know if they'd actually want to leave the fortress without a fleet to defend it."
"Admiral Yang has always had interesting ideas about how Iserlohn might be used," Kircheis said. He felt he was on more stable footing now, strategy something easy and concrete to discuss. Hilde leaned forward to listen. "After all, its primary function was as a gate between the two halves of the galaxy. Now that the Phezzan corridor is used for military traffic, it's not as though the fortress is technically worth holding on to for that reason."
"You know, I've always wondered if Admiral Yang would ever consider doing to Iserlohn what we did to Geiersburg…" Mittermeyer said.
They talked about the details of strategy for a while, since it was the only thing that they could talk about. There were discussions of trusted officers who could be ordered to rescue Reinhard, if Reuenthal could be convinced to send him away if his health was failing, what the assault would look like if Reuenthal took charge of his half- but they kept circling back to the desire to stop the whole dispatch from happening. Kircheis didn't want to test the sway he had with Reinhard, and certainly didn't want to deny him his victory, but it was going to be necessary. Kircheis only hoped that he wouldn't somehow make things worse.
Eventually, the talk wound down. Kircheis got up to use the bathroom. He was somewhat drunk, after several glasses of whiskey, and he put his hands on the porcelain of the sink and stared into the mirror, the soft light spilling over his features. He didn't know what he was looking for, but he looked for it.
As he stood there, examining the sallow skin underneath his eyes and the way the humidity frayed his hair out, he realized he could hear Annerose and Eva talking in the next room. Their voices were muffled through the wall, but as soon as his senses detected it, it was all he could think about, and so he listened.
"Will you tell me?" Eva asked. "I swear I won't tell anyone."
"I haven't even told Sieg."
"Really?"
"He hasn't asked."
There was a moment of silence. "It seems like the kind of thing he should want to know."
"It's alright, Eva. He's trying to do his best for me."
She didn't respond for a second. "He seems like that kind of man, but it's…" Something too low to hear. "Will you tell me?"
"Why do you want to know?"
Kircheis heard footsteps; Eva was getting up and walking around. "I made this in yellow, but I could make one in different colors, depending- I know it's not much." She laughed, a somewhat awkward sound. "I just thought, even Kaiser Reinhard's heir should get something homemade."
"Oh, Eva, you didn't have to. It's lovely."
"No, I wanted to." Eva's tone was melancholy. "Do you want one in pink or blue? Or any other color? Or I could make-"
"She's a girl," Annerose said. Kircheis's breath caught in his throat.
"Wonderful… Thank you, for telling me. I swear I won't spoil it."
"Thank you."
"Have you picked out a name?"
"I told Reinhard he could choose the name," she said. "I think he liked that."
"And your husband?"
"He suggested it."
"Herr Kircheis… wants the child, right?" Eva confirmed.
"Yes, I believe so." Annerose had that distant tone in her voice. "He'll be a fine father."
"Are you worried?"
"No," Annerose said. "The doctors say everything is going exactly as it should. There shouldn't be any problems." She paused. "Well, she might come early. Reinhard and I were both early babies. Just by a little bit."
"Will he be with you, for the birth?"
There was a moment of silence. "I suppose he should."
"Do you not want him there?"
"I don't know," Annerose said.
"Oh, come here. It's going to be alright."
Muffled: "I'm fine."
"It's natural to be worried."
"It's not that," Annerose said.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
A harsh laugh from Annerose. "I'm going to sound horrible if I do."
"I won't tell anyone. I promise. It's okay."
There was a long stretch of silence. Kircheis knew that he should leave the bathroom, let Annerose have her secrets and her privacy, let her talk to Eva without him eavesdropping, but he couldn't turn away.
"I wish it was a boy."
"Because of inheriting-"
"No," Annerose said. "Not really. Reinhard would have a Kaiserin succeed him fine. It's not that."
"What is it?"
Again there was a stretch of silence. "She'll have to do this, too," Annerose finally said. "She'll have to have an heir someday. I can't…" She trailed off.
"Annerose-" Eva's voice was stricken, now. "Is it really so terrible for you?"
"I don't know," Annerose said, her voice taking on the flat tone it had whenever she was trying to escape herself.
"If there's anything I can do-"
"No," Annerose said. "There's not." She seemed to have decided that she shouldn't say anything else.
"You don't sound horrible. I can understand perfectly." There was a moment of silence, and then Eva spoke again. "If you really- I could tell you something that would make me sound awful. Just the worst."
"What?"
Eva laughed, and this was a hard and bitter sound, too. "Even though I understand it all, I'm still so jealous of you."
"I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine. I'm just being stupid. I wish we could trade places."
Annerose said something that was too quiet for Kircheis to hear.
"When your daughter does grow up," Eva said, "I know she won't feel the way you do. It won't have to be a burden for her. It can be a joy instead. You'll protect her. I know you will."
"I don't know how."
"You'll figure it out."
There was another stretch of silence.
"You really don't believe me when I say that, do you?" Eva asked. She let out a little laugh. "I really would do anything to be where you are."
Annerose's voice was again too quiet to parse. She must be further away from the wall that Kircheis was listening through. He could barely make out the tone: sad but steady.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," Eva said. "It must be something!"
"I'm sure someday…"
"If it was going to happen, it would have." Her voice broke. "I should probably just give up on that stupid dream."
"I'm sorry."
"It's all so silly, isn't it?" There were tears in Eva's choked laugh. "I wish we could trade. But that's not how anything works."
Kircheis had heard enough. He slipped silently back out into the hallway, where he found Hilde pulling on her raincoat, preparing to brave the torrent to get to her car. "Leaving?" Kircheis asked.
"It's late," Hilde said. "I should say my goodbyes." Kircheis rubbed the back of his neck, not sure if he should warn Hilde about the state that Annerose and Eva were in. She caught his hesitation. "Are you feeling alright?"
He smiled, or tried to. "I'm just thinking about a lot of things." The idea that he was about to have a baby girl was competing for space in his mind with everything else.
Hilde nodded. "Are you going to head out?"
"Yes, I think so. Annerose doesn't usually stay up much later than this."
"She is doing well, right?" Hilde seemed uncomfortable. "I have no idea what being pregnant must be like."
"I think so." There was a part of him that wanted to dance and tell her: a girl! It seemed so much more real now. But he didn't. He leaned on the doorframe that led into the kitchen, muted yellow light catching Hilde in profile. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Of course!"
"Do you ever want to have children?"
Hilde's face twisted into a series of expressions, each more inscrutable than the last, and all quickly stifled. "I ought to," she said after a second. "But I don't know." She let out a half laugh, then gestured down at herself. "I'm not much of a woman, am I?"
"Well," he said, but she just smiled at him.
"I should go say goodbye."
He nodded, and they walked together towards the parlor. There were no more muffled sounds behind the door, but he could see through the dimpled glass of the window that Eva was leaning on Annerose's shoulder as they both sat on the couch, a yellow baby blanket spread out over both their laps.
Later, Annerose and Kircheis were in their bedroom. Annerose sat at her dressing table, pulling a few pins out of her hair. Kircheis was cross-legged at the foot of the bed, watching her reflection in the mirror. He couldn't decide if he wanted to admit to listening in on Annerose's conversation or not, but he felt he should say something to her.
"Did you figure anything out with Fleet Admiral Mittermeyer?" Annerose asked, catching his eye in the mirror, her tone businesslike.
"I'm going to speak with Reuenthal, and Lord Reinhard," Kircheis said. "We talked about what we would do if I can't persuade him to back down, but I hope things don't come to that." He sighed. "How was Frau Mittermeyer?"
"We had a nice talk," she said. "The blanket was very thoughtful of her."
"She's a sweet woman," Kircheis said. "I feel…" He trailed off, not wanting to put the strange sense of guilt into words.
Annerose began braiding her hair. "What she doesn't know isn't hurting her." Her fingers twisted her sun-bright hair deftly. "She doesn't want for a better husband, anyway."
"Annerose-"
"Hm?"
"If there was anything I could do for you, would you tell me? Any way I could make you more comfortable?"
She twisted the ends of the braid and tied it off before she responded. "I don't want for a better husband, either," she said matter-of-factly.
He decided he wasn't going to get anything else out of her, so he lay back in bed, closing his eyes and just listening to her move about the room. She eventually turned out the lights and lay beside him. They didn't touch, but he could feel the dip of the mattress and the warmth of her body underneath the cover.
"I don't want to burden you, too," Annerose said, after a long time.
"You're not a burden," Kircheis said. He rolled on his side to face her. She had her arm underneath her head, her braid laying against her throat like a rope. He reached out and adjusted its position without touching her skin, dropping it behind her head. "And neither is the baby."
She shivered and pulled the blanket towards her chest.
"Do you want to be a father?"
He still couldn't quite picture the baby (a girl!) but she felt so much more real than it had even a day ago. "Yes," he said. "I think so."
"I think," Annerose began, voice halting, "you'll have to want that for the both of us."
"I will," he said. "I promise." He wanted to promise everything he could, that he would never let anything happen to the child so long as he lived, that she would grow up happy, that everything would be perfect, but he didn't think she would believe him, so he hoped that he captured all of that in his tone, as much as he could.
She nodded. After a moment, underneath the blanket, she reached towards Kircheis and fumbled for his hand. He gave it to her, and she pulled it towards her stomach, pulling up her nightgown so that he could touch her where her belly was taut and hard. With his hand splayed out flat, he rubbed his thumb gently over her skin. She stopped his hand's motion with her own, and so he stayed there, still. After a minute, he felt the baby twitch and shift.
He had felt it before, but rarely did Annerose want him to touch her, so he took the strange sensation as a gift, leaving his hand there for as long as she let him.
Later that week, Kircheis made his way through the fleet headquarters to Reuenthal's office. It was near the top of the building, with a huge window overlooking the city. The space elevator was barely visible through the haze of rain outside. Reuenthal had offered Kircheis a coffee, but he declined politely. They both stood near the window, Kircheis not wanting to sit and make this a prolonged visit. He didn't think that Reuenthal would be very receptive to what he had to say, so he wasn't going to mince his words.
For his part, Reuenthal was stiff, his hands behind his back, staring out at the tumult of the weather outside. "I'm curious as to what has earned me the honor of your visit, Kircheis," he said.
"Mittermeyer told me that you would appreciate me speaking candidly with you."
"Oh? What about?" Reuenthal wasn't stupid; he knew exactly what this was about. But the rules of conversation demanded that he play ignorant, at least for a moment.
"Iserlohn," Kircheis said. "I'd like you to do me a favor."
Reuenthal glanced at him sideways. "Of what kind?"
He didn't answer the question directly. "I understand that you are in support of this dispatch."
"I am in support of whatever Mein Kaiser plans," Reuenthal said. The words were dripping with the kind of reverence that only Reuenthal could conjure. It was entirely sincere, and almost disturbing for its sincerity.
"But you have a personal feeling towards it, as well."
"Perhaps. But my personal feelings are not relevant."
Kircheis suspected that Mittermeyer was right- there was a part of Reuenthal, maybe an unacknowledged one, that intended to go to Iserlohn to die. "If your personal opinions were of no importance, Kaiser Reinhard would not hold them in such high regard."
"Oh? I should be flattered."
"Do you really believe that this assault on Iserlohn is within the best interests of the Neue Reich?"
Reuenthal's smile was thin. "You're here to convince me to oppose it."
"You've seen its flaws," Kircheis said. "Trying to convince you by pointing them out would be wasting my breath."
"If you believe you can't convince me, then what is it that you're here for?"
"Whatever your personal belief is," Kircheis said, "I would like you to oppose the attack on Iserlohn, as a favor to myself, and for the sake of Kaiser Reinhard and the Reich."
Reuenthal was silent for a long second. Fat drops of rain hit the window and then crawled down it, some twenty stories to go before they would reach the ground. "Let me tell you something, Kircheis," Reuenthal said.
"Of course."
"I understand that if we have been equals- you, Oberstein, Mittermeyer, and myself- you have been first among us." His eyes were cold and hard, but he wasn't looking at Kircheis. "I have had nothing but respect for you, and I have never begrudged your place at Mein Kaiser 's right hand."
"Thank you."
"But I pledged myself to one man alone." He turned to Kircheis, a chill in his voice that Kircheis was unused to having directed at him, despite the many years that they had known each other. "You are not the Kaiser."
A lesser man would have backed down under Reuenthal's glare, but Kircheis simply nodded and said in his usual, even tone, "Of course, I understand."
"Is that all you came for?" Reuenthal asked.
"I am going to speak with Kaiser Reinhard about this at some point," Kircheis said. "If I cannot convince him myself, I-" His composure slipped a little. "Please do what you can for him."
Reuenthal nodded, and Kircheis turned to go. When he was at the door, Reuenthal said, "Kircheis."
Kircheis turned.
"I appreciate your candor," Reuenthal said. It looked as though he might have been about to say something else, but he fell silent and looked at Kircheis in the doorway.
"And I yours," Kircheis said. "You know, I value your personal opinions as well."
"Indeed," Reuenthal said, and Kircheis couldn't interpret the coldness in his voice. He just nodded and turned to go. Reuenthal didn't stop him.
When Annerose was two weeks from due, she told Kircheis, "If you do not speak to Reinhard now, I do not know if you will have a better chance."
So, Kircheis had come alone to the capitol, thunder groaning overhead as he sloshed up the marble steps of the building. He could have found his way to Reinhard's room even if all the lights in the building had been out, but the place was preternaturally bright and quiet, most of the staff home for the night.
Reinhard knew he was coming, and so he was let in to his rooms as soon as he arrived.
"Kircheis!" Reinhard called, and for a moment Kircheis just savored the bright and unaffected sound of his voice, before walking towards his bedroom to find him.
Reinhard couldn't leave his bed without being carried, these days, and when he was placed in a chair, he tended to droop one way or another unless he was held in place. He was wedged upright in his bed right now; a desk on little legs stood over his lap, computer open on top of that. He dictated most of his notes now; his fingers were too clumsy to type reliably. There was a completely untouched dinner on the table next to his bed, within his reach but ignored. Reinhard smiled at him and beckoned him over.
"Have you eaten, Lord Reinhard?" Kircheis asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. The answer was obvious, but Reinhard seemed surprised by the question.
"What? Oh, I guess I got distracted. Emil didn't leave that too long ago." The soup with the meal was still warm, so Reinhard probably wasn't lying. "I'm not hungry."
Kircheis looked at the computer on Reinhard's lap questioningly for a moment, and Reinhard nodded that he could take it away. Kircheis removed it, and then slid into the bed next to Reinhard, who leaned over to kiss him. His face was hot where Kircheis touched it, and his lips were so dry, but the kiss was enthusiastic nonetheless.
"I'm glad you came," Reinhard said, reaching up to play with Kircheis's hair. "I didn't know Annerose could bear to let go of you."
"She went to have dinner with the Mariendorfs," Kircheis said.
"Ah." He leaned back, smiling, watching Kircheis's face. "She should come see me before the baby comes."
"I'll tell her that."
Kircheis reached over and picked up the bowl of fruit that had come with Reinhard's dinner. He figured some cut strawberries and grapes would be the easiest thing to convince Reinhard to eat.
"Stealing my dinner, Kircheis?" Reinhard asked. "I can have something brought for you if you like."
"I already ate," Kircheis said. He picked a strawberry out of the bowl and held it out.
"Looks just like you," Reinhard said with a little smile. He still could tease. When Reinhard didn't reach for the piece of fruit, he met Reinhard's laughing eyes and brought it to his lips. "If you insist," he said, trying to sound resigned but coming off as mischievous instead.
When Reinhard opened his mouth to accept the fruit, Kircheis was very careful to keep his fingers clear of Reinhard's sharp teeth.
Reinhard ate each piece of offered fruit without speaking much, just watching Kircheis's face. As they neared the end of the bowl, Reinhard caught Kircheis's wrist. When Kircheis brought the strawberry up to his mouth, Reinhard took it, but held Kircheis's fingers against his lips as he chewed and swallowed, then kissed his fingertips.
Kircheis stroked his cheek, then put the empty bowl to the side so that he could lay down next to Reinhard, chest to chest. They stayed there for a while, Kircheis not quite able to start the task he had come for, because he knew that it would be painful.
"You're quiet today, Kircheis," Reinhard said after some time. "Is something the matter?"
"There's something I need to ask from you," Kircheis said.
"What is it?" Reinhard was smiling.
There wasn't any easy way to put it. "Don't go to Iserlohn."
Reinhard stiffened. "Why not?"
Kircheis just breathed for a second. He wasn't sure what the best way to approach this was. "Why do you want to go?"
"I said I would win the universe," Reinhard said. The petulance, that shield, crept into his voice. "Have you forgotten?"
"You have it," Kircheis said. "Iserlohn doesn't matter."
"It does," Reinhard said. "We made a vow."
Kircheis shook his head, then reached out to put his hand on Reinhard's neck, trying to pull him close. Reinhard shook him off. Kircheis dropped his hand like he had been burned, and he closed his eyes in pain.
"Why don't you want me to go?"
"Mittermeyer already told you all the reasons."
"He's being too cautious. He still believes it's possible to take Iserlohn."
"It is possible," Kircheis agreed.
"Then it should be done." Reinhard tugged on some of Kircheis's hair. "You don't agree."
"No, I don't," Kircheis said.
"It won't be until after the baby is born," Reinhard pointed out. "Even you can't say that I haven't delayed enough."
"If things go badly, we'll have less strength in Neue Land."
"You think I can't do it?" Reinhard asked. "Don't tell me you really doubt me too, Kircheis."
"I don't doubt you," Kircheis said. "You've put your mind to it." He felt he was losing this battle already. He looked away from Reinhard for a second. "I sometimes wonder if you sent me away all those times so that I couldn't try to convince you to change your plans."
"What are you talking about?" Reinhard snapped. "You've always advised me."
"I wasn't there for Westerland," Kircheis said. "I've always wondered if I could have stopped it."
Reinhard scowled. "It was necessary."
"Like Iserlohn is necessary."
Even Kircheis could tell that Reinhard didn't believe it when he said, "Yes."
"And when you first took Heinessen," Kircheis said. "I wasn't there."
"What would you have told me to do if you were?"
Kircheis just shook his head. "I should have been able to-"
Reinhard made a dismissive noise.
"Maybe I'm glad you sent me away," Kircheis said. "If I had been there for Westerland, and you hadn't listened to me, I- what would I have done?"
"You would have left me?" Reinhard asked, genuine fear creeping into his voice.
Kircheis was silent for a second. "I don't know." He couldn't relax, his whole body tense. Perhaps he should have refused to forgive Reinhard after Westerland. But it was the distance between Kircheis and the act, and the closeness between Kircheis and Reinhard, that had allowed him to put it away, to ignore it. He wanted to think that he could have convinced Reinhard otherwise, but he didn't know if he believed it. "Do you think I would have?"
Reinhard narrowed his eyes. "Do you think I wouldn't have listened to you? If you had been there?"
Kircheis turned his face away. "You're not listening now."
"You're not giving me any good reasons. I am not going to break the vow I made- we made- just because you're afraid of Yang Wen-li."
"It's not that," Kircheis said.
"Then tell me why. Tell me the real reason." His tone was hard, daring Kircheis to tell him that it was because he was weak.
Kircheis took a long second to think. If he misstepped here, all would be lost. "I wanted you to promise to not send me away again," he said. "But you would leave me. I don't want" -you to die far away, he thought- "you to go somewhere I can't follow."
"Come with me," Reinhard said immediately. "I'll have Mittermeyer remain on Phezzan, and Reuenthal can take the other half of the assault, and you can be with me on the Brunhilde . We can arrange that."
Kircheis just shook his head. "I can't leave Annerose alone."
Reinhard scowled, biting his lip. "Don't hold this over me, Kircheis."
"Please," Kircheis said. "Don't leave me." That simple ask seemed to crack something in Reinhard's mind. He was silent for a second, then his expression broke.
"Why can't I have this?" Reinhard asked, and his voice was plaintive. "Why can't I have any- anything I- I keep trying." He turned, burying his face in his pillow. His fingers dug into the plush fabric. His voice was muffled. "Everything! At the last moment everything gets taken away!" His breathing was ragged, his back moving up and down with it. "I couldn't keep Annerose safe. I can't have you. At least- I thought I could-"
Kircheis laid his hand on Reinhard's back, rubbing it, feeling the bumps of his spine, all his bones suddenly revealed. Reinhard shuddered but didn't push him away.
"You do have me, Lord Reinhard," Kircheis said. "Always."
"I want to do it for you," he said. "And Annerose. Win the universe to give to you."
"I don't need it," Kircheis said. He stroked Reinhard's hair like light between his fingers. "I'd give the entire universe just to be with you. You know that, right?"
Reinhard made a muffled sound into the pillow, half a sob. "Why don't you want the only thing I can give you?" he asked.
"You don't have to give me anything," Kircheis said. "Reinhard…"
Reinhard was silent.
"Do you think I'm being selfish?" Kircheis asked after a long minute of just listening to Reinhard breathe raggedly. "Trying to take your dream away from you?" The words came out before he had carefully considered them.
"Dream?" Reinhard muttered, finding his voice through whatever tears had seized him. "Iserlohn isn't a dream. It's a plan."
Kircheis let out a short breath. "I know."
"I don't dream about that," he said, and then he lifted his head with some difficulty to look at Kircheis again. His eyes were red, but there was no trace of tears on his face. Perhaps he was too dehydrated to even cry. "I dream about you, mostly."
Kircheis pressed their foreheads together. "Then please don't go to Iserlohn. For my sake."
"Why do you have to do this to me?" Reinhard asked.
"Please," Kircheis begged.
"I wanted to finish it all," he said. "At least that."
"Leave something for your heir to win."
"My heir?" He let out a bitter laugh. "You won't even win Iserlohn for me?"
"Do you want me to?"
Reinhard let out a hard breath. "I don't care." Petulant again.
"If you told me to, I would."
"It won't matter, Kircheis," Reinhard said. "Do what you like."
Kircheis knew he had won, though he couldn't celebrate, seeing how Reinhard's verve had been lost. He could huff and whine, but that was empty compared to the bright shine his eyes had when he was thinking of the future. Kircheis had taken that away, the last thing that he was trying to reach for. That felt like a sucking wound in his own gut.
They were silent for a second.
"The baby will be born soon," Kircheis said.
"I know." Reinhard's voice was flat.
"Are you looking forward to it?"
He turned his head to look at the ceiling. "It will be nice. I'm sure it will be cute. I don't know anything about children." It was a non-answer.
"Have you picked out a name?"
"Annerose hasn't told me if it's a boy or a girl."
"Did you ask?"
"No."
Kircheis brushed some of Reinhard's hair off his forehead. "It's a girl," he said. "My daughter."
Author's Note
everybody is continuing to have a bad time, as usual. except for yang wen-li, who just narrowly got out of having iserlohn fortress being put under siege, at least for now
yeah reuenthal and reinhard hanging out together constantly and feeding on each other's um, problems syndrome, is bad for both of them but such is life. kircheis's presence stabilized the reinhard & reuenthal relationship (in terms of amount of treason reuenthal contemplates on any given day) but at what cost, honestly. anyway both of their boyfriends are straight married now which is certainly not helping any of this. lol.
i love eavesdropping
the reinhard/kircheis convo in the last scene could probably stand to be more tense but i'm not sure what else i can do to fiddle with it. maybe i'll rewrite it at some point?
chapter title www. youtube watch? v =iQHq7aU0X78
I can remember when we were in high school
Our dreams were like fugitive warlords
Plotting triumphant returns to the city
Keeping Tec-9's tucked under the floorboards
Now we are practical men of the world
We tether our dreams to the turf
And cruise down these alleys for honey to feed them
Jellyfish riding the surf
Shoving our heads straight into the guts of the stove
Home again
Garden Grove
one chapter + the epilogue left and i'll be free of this fic! and i can go back to working on LOftT haha
thank you very much to em for the beta read! i'm on tumblr javert , twitter natsinator , and you can join my discord server here discord. gg/wnMHeXzcK7