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Confessions

The rest of that day, the day I royally messed up my relationship with the girl of my dreams, went by in a crawl. Every time I tried talking to Lily in class she would either walk away from me, or 'accidentally' spill something on me. Later that evening when she didn't show up for dinner, I went looking for her in the common room only to realize I couldn't go up to the girl's dormitories. What if there was an emergency where the Head Boy was needed up there? What would the professors do then? Defeated, I made my way towards the astronomy tower where I sincerely wished I could hide for the remainder of the term. I had officially blown it with the one girl I had tried so hard to get for so many years. Even more pathetic was the fact that I couldn't even make it work for more than a month. Only I could have messed it up that badly and I was really beginning to believe that my relationships weren't ever meant to be long term. When I reached the tower, I was amazed by the stillness of the night. I sat on the ledge thinking about a way to fix the situation. It was going to be impossible. Lily was stubborn, and I didn't think I would ever change her mind. What she said to me during the blow out was really starting to kill me because I never thought I would ever hear words like that being directed at me after the way she and I had gotten along all year. I never knew hearing those words would eat me up and tear me apart from the inside out. I never knew she meant that much to me that imagining life without her was near impossible.

Sitting out on the astronomy tower should brought some ease into my heart, but the only thing I could think that would possibly make me feel better was to have Lily in my arms. How could I have possibly messed it up that bad?

xxx

I wasn't sure how long I sat out there, but I it was definitely a few hours past curfew when I heard fast footsteps behind me. Expecting to see McGonagall running out to yell out a storm at me and give me a well deserved detention, I turned around only to stare down at the one person I wanted to desperately see.

"James! What are you doing up there? Don't jump!"

Confused, I slowly got down. "Lily?"

"Whatever you were about to do, don't do it!" she shrieked sounding frantic.

"What are you talking about? I was just sitting there."

"But….I….oh James, I'm so glad I found you," she said leaping into my arms. I hugged her back, feeling my heart wanting to dive out of my chest, but I still wasn't sure what was going on.

"I thought you were mad at me," I said looking into her eyes and noticing tears there for the first time. "You're crying."

"Of course I'm crying you dolt. I thought I almost lost you and it would have been all my fault," she said letting out a choked sob.

"Lily what are you on about? This isn't your fault, I…"

"Remus told me that you said you were going to find a tower to jump off of after our argument," she interrupted.

I let out a huge sigh of relief after realizing what she had been going on about and let out a low chuckle. "I was being sarcastic Lily, I wouldn't do that," I said holding her tight until common sense hit me like a ton of bricks. "Hold on. When did you speak to Remus?"

"He went looking for me after History of Magic. He wanted to tell me where you were last night," she said looking straight at me with an intense gaze.

"He what?" I half shouted. "He told you….."

"Everything," she responded with a meaningful look as she took hold of my hand.

"As in…"

"As in I know where you go every full moon," she answered looking straight into my eyes and taking hold of my other hand.

"But…that means that you…"

"Remus told me about his condition, James. He also told me that he couldn't tell me how you manage to go out there with him. He said only you could let me on that secret."

That was not what I expected at all. I would have thought that she would yell at me and call me more names, or that she would rub it in my face that I was a bloody wanker. The fact that she knew about Remus' lycanthropy was not at the top of my list of things Lily Evans wanted to share with me at the time. How's a bloke to respond to that? 'Oh great, you know; I'm sure you and your friends will have a right old time talking about it. Want to go snog in a broom closet now?' Not very likely.

"And you're fine with it? I mean, you're not going to tell the whole of Hogwarts at our next meal or anything, are you?" I asked running my hand through my hair. Stupid nervous habit.

"James of course I'm not going to tell anyone, you git" she defended pulling me closer to her. "Remus is one of the most caring people I know and has easily become one of my closest friends over the past two years. I don't think any less of him, and I certainly would never let his secret out on purpose."

"So you're not cross with me anymore?" I asked kissing her forehead. "You know, about our little altercation this morning?"

She blushed, and frowned a bit at my last question.

"I'm sorry about this morning, and I'm sorry I said those awful things to you. The thought of you not telling me the truth made me think that you weren't serious about me and it really made me angry," she said looking up at me as a placed kisses along her forehead. "I took a chance on you James. After all those years that you made my life miserable, and I couldn't stand you, I took a chance. I just couldn't imagine that you would play with me like that," she said looking back down at the ground.

"Don't apologize. If I were in your position I probably would have reacted the same with my track record. I would never do anything to hurt you Lily," I responded lifting her chin so that she was looking at me again. "I will never hurt you," I continued, wiping off tears from her cheeks.

"I know that now and I'm sorry James," she said cracking a smile. We stood there in comfortable silence for what seemed like a lifetime when she finally lifted her head kissed my chin. "So are you going to tell me how you manage to go down to the Shrieking Shack with Remus?"

I thought about it for a moment, and really considered not telling her. Would she hate me after I told her I was an illegal animagus? Would she hate Sirius and Peter too? I measured her up for a split second, and I knew then that there was no logical reason why I should keep such a secret from her. I knew she was trustworthy, and I had faith that she would not turn against me or my friends. I held her hand tightly and smiled down at her, preparing to tell her the one thing us Marauders promised to never share with anyone else unless we absolutely had to.

"Well, it's complicated," I started. "You see, after second year when we found out about Remus' condition, Sirius and I came up with a plan. Only our plan was extremely dangerous and highly illegal. When Remus heard about what we were planning, he was, of course, adamant that we not continue with it, but there was no way we were going to let him go through his transformations all alone. So for two years Sirius and I, and later Peter, worked tirelessly on this plan until finally in fifth year, we did it. Our plan worked to perfection in a way we couldn't have imagined. Ever since then, the three of us have been going to the Shrieking Shack once a month to keep Remus company during the full moon."

"What did you do?" she asked with obvious curiosity.

I looked around to make sure that nobody was lurking in the shadows, and then looked at her with my mischievous grin.

"Can't do it here. If you come up to my dormitory, I'll show you."

"James!" she yelled pushing me away from her and smiling.

"No, it's not what you think. I can't show you out here because nobody else is supposed to know. Please?"

"Fine, lead the way," she said before holding out her hand and letting me lead her towards Gryffindor tower.

xxx

Once in the privacy of my dormitory, I thought of about a million things I would love to have done to and with her, but she was looking at me with an 'I-know-what-you're-thinking-but-I-didn't-come-here-for-that' look.

"So, what's the big secret?" she asked sitting on my bed.

"Okay, before I show you, remember that what we did is very illegal, and if anyone ever found out, we would be sent to Azkaban for sure," I told her with a serious tone.

"Okay, you're scaring me."

"Alright, here goes."

She looked a little confused at first because I stood there for a few seconds watching her. When I finally transformed into my stag form, she gasped before standing up and taking a few steps away from me. I took a few tentative steps towards her and rubbed the side of my head against her arm. She was hesitant at first, but she timidly placed a hand around one of my antlers.

"Prongs," she whispered and then smiled at me.

She slowly rubbed the top of my head, tickling behind my ears, before kneeling down in front of me and holding my head up so that she was looking straight into my eyes.

"You make a really cute stag, you know that?" she said before giving me a kiss on my nose.

I huffed out indignantly at being referred to as 'cute' and she laughed. I playfully licked her face in retaliation before taking a lap around my room and sitting down in front of her again.

"You know, I knew you guys were up to something but never in a million years would I have guessed you would achieve something as brilliant as this," she said as she stepped away from me. "I guess you guys really are as clever as everyone says you are."

As I turned back into my human form, she looked at me and leapt up into my arms for a bone crushing hug and a kiss on the lips.

"I'm sorry for saying the awful things I said about you earlier. I think what you've done is brilliant," she whispered into my ear.

"No need to apologize," I said leaning in for another kiss. "And I know I'm brilliant," I said to her before she hit me hard on the arm.

xxx

Hours later, Lily and I found ourselves lying side by side on my bed. I had spent the better half of that time explaining to Lily how we managed to become animagi. I told her about how frightened Sirius and Peter were the first time we tried it and how I volunteered to go first. I don't think I'll ever obliterate the image of me hiding inside our dormitory for two days after that initial transformation because Sirius made me do it wrong. The charm had an 'e' not an 'a' at the end, and so when I transformed back to my human form, I still had antlers on the top of my head. Stupid Sirius with his sloppy writing. He even had the audacity to smirk years after whenever we returned to Gryffindor tower after a night time stroll. The git never knew when to let things go. As I continued to tell her about the many things we did as animagi, I realized that we were far more intelligent than even we gave ourselves credit for. The concept of the Marauder's Map dumfounded her when I told her exactly how we roamed the corridors late at night without getting caught and I think I saw a glimmer in her eye just then. At first, she didn't quite believe that anyone at Hogwarts, much less someone she knew owned an invisibility cloak until I pointed to the shiny garment sitting on top of my trunk. I think I won a few extra points with her because of the ingenuity of the whole thing.

"So how do you know that one Hufflepuff girl?" she finally asked raising an eyebrow in my direction.

"Oh, you know, I've seen her around," I responded looking away from her.

"Come on, I'm not going to yell at you if you tell me you went out with her," she said sitting up on the bed.

"Okay then, I went out with her a few times last year."

"So you were going out with her at the same time you were asking me out?" she smirked.

"Well it's not as if we had a serious relationship or anything. We just kind of saw each other now and again," I said intertwining my fingers with hers. "I've been crazy about you since first year, before I knew what to make of my feelings Lily. All those other girls were just keeping me company until you agreed to go out with me," I said with a smile.

"So all those years of turning my hair pink, making my teeth grow two inches, making me trip in the middle of corridors, sending me howlers, putting disgusting things in my school bag and such were just your way of showing how crazy you were about me?" she asked with an incredulous look on her face.

"Like I said, I didn't know what to make of my feelings," I responded as she threw a pillow on top of my head.

"You're such a prat," she yelled as she lunged at me and she began punching me lightly.

"I'll take that as a challenge," I stated before slowly picking her off of me and throwing her to the other side of the bed where I proceeded to tickle her mercilessly.

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