I'll never know

If there's danger in confession

Or its memory that presses

Like a blade against my throat

Another word and I could choke

But what's worse

Tellin' you my feelings

Or to die without revealing

That you crawled inside my head

And set a fire there instead

Halsey - Ya'Aburnee

Misa found the stairs back up to her apartment daunting. They loomed over her dark and foreboding. She hadn't been back since the night she was attacked.

Teru Mikami. That's who Naomi said was responsible. She'd never heard of him, nor had she heard any news of him having been caught yet. Maybe she should have taken Naomi up on her offer to stay at her place for the night. She had to keep watch on her either way. She was just tired of sleeping in places that weren't home. Tired of being shuffled around despite being told she wasn't a burden on anyone, she felt it. She glanced over her shoulder where Naomi's inconspicuous little car sat watching her from the parking lot. She was safe. As safe as she could be given the circumstances. She turned back to the staircase.

At her first step, her temple gave a phantom twinge at the memory replaying with startling clarity in her mind. The force of being thrown against the concrete. The hard floor of the van beneath her body that twisted, resisting the suffocating binding. The sticky feel of the tape's adhesive mingling with the blood on her face. The sickening finality of the door slamming shut. She felt her stomach curl with panic, her legs shake.

I'm fine . She reminded herself firmly, taking each step with resolute determination, ignoring that at the end of that nightmare she'll always see his face there above her. Her heart gave a painful throb.

Nope. Don't think about him .

Naomi didn't pry on the ride over, but she did remind her that she was capable, and very willing, to beat some sense into a certain detective. Misa declined. For now.

"… once this is over I'm still leaving, and I won't come back for you."

His words followed her home like a ghost, sinking her numbly into her skin. Was it really so bad of her to want him? To want more from him? Or was she the idiot again expecting his physical affection to mean something it didn't.

She even admitted to being in love with him. She cringed at the memory. It was exhausting to be so vulnerable without getting anything in return. She couldn't wait to scrub the entire night from her skin.

She unlocked her apartment and stood there a moment looking in. Was it always this small? She spent too much time at his penthouse and forgot how tiny her place was in comparison.

She set bags down and flicked on the lights, sinking to the couch with a heavy sigh. In the morning she could call her agency up and see about finding more work. If anyone still wanted her.

Her phone buzzed from inside her purse. More texts from Light.

Are you alright?

Is Ryuzaki keeping you locked up again?

Let me know when we can talk.

I need to see you again.

She felt a guilty turn. He was a nice guy and all, and she really appreciated his attention, but he was too much. He moved too fast, expecting too much from her. There was something in his intensity towards her that felt...overwhelming. The sooner she let him down gently, the better. There might be some awkward fallout because they worked together sure, but she knew he'd be professional about it.

She silenced her phone.

She could deal with that tomorrow too. Faintly, she wondered if that's how L saw her. Too much. Too intense. She slumped back feeling another dull ache of longing.

A knock at her door startled her into sitting upright. She hurried to the screen of her surveillance camera and felt a rush of relief followed by a hot surge of indignation.

L.

She stabbed the intercom with a finger, ready to tell him to fuck off…but paused.

I don't have to talk to you.

He stared up at the camera, seeming to understand that she wasn't going to answer. She watched his shoulders sag as he sighed and then sank down on the ground as if to say I'll wait .

"Then wait all night." She mumbled.

She grabbed her bags and began to unpack, throwing clothes in hampers, dumping her makeup onto her vanity, organizing everything into neat little rows. She turned the volume up on her music just in case he decided to knock again.

She dusted and threw away the old containers of food in her fridge that had gone bad in the weeks away. Every now and then she'd sneak over to check the camera and see him still waiting outside.

Stubborn jerk .

After a long while of cleaning, showering, and seething, it seemed she wouldn't get any sleep anyway and the stupid man might actually wait outside all night.

She opened the door a crack, letting the light from her apartment fall onto half of his face in a thin golden sliver. There's a long standoff between them as he stared up at her and she down at him. She sighed and stepped back to let him in. He stood stiffly, taking off his coat and holding it awkwardly on one arm.

She went and sat down, crossing her legs and looking up at him expectantly. When he sat near her, she made a show of scooting away from him. She was being childish, but if he was expecting her to welcome him any other way he was seriously mistaken. He was lucky she let him in all.

The silence stretched on between them, loaded and awkward. He glanced at her a few times and when it became apparent she wasn't going to say anything, he cleared his throat.

"I thought if I didn't let you touch me I could pretend what we have is one sided. That I could gain some control over…how I feel about you."

She arched an eyebrow at him, folding her arms over her chest.

"Oh, so all of a sudden you feel something for me?" she responded coldly, throwing his words back at him. "What happened to: I'm leaving Misa and I won't come back for you. You're just trying to get me to be a good girl for you and follow your orders and I don't buy it."

To his credit his face was not set in his usual careless mask of indifference. There was a tautness to his features that she revelled in seeing. How many times in his life had he been in that position? She watched him swallow nervously and try again.

"But I'm here."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because this is your job, right? That's not the same as having feeling-"

He gave a frustrated shake of his head.

"No, Misa." he articulated carefully. "I mean I'm here . I dropped every case I had to be here. I took a last minute flight, I stood up an important client. I've been turning down new cases every day since."

"Well, you almost didn't!" she sputtered. "You told me you only took on cases you found interesting !"

"I have an important job," he explained. "If I had any inclination that you were safe, then yes I would have left. But you're not. So I dropped everything."

She could hear the words he left lingering there. Unspoken. Ones that gave her an ounce of hope. She resented at once how her heart clung to them.

" For you."

She dismissed it. If that's what he meant he needed to say it. She wasn't going to read between the lines anymore. Besides, what was he actually saying aside from letting her know just what an inconvenience she'd been in his life?

"Why didn't you just answer my call then?" she said, irritation mounting. "You didn't need to fly all the way here and stand up your super important clients for me. You could have just answered the phone."

He nodded, as if she was missing something, his wide eyes searching hers.

"Yes, I could have."

"Well, that doesn't prove anything!" she burst out in frustration. "You always tell me that I'm only grateful for your help, that I'm just confusing my feelings. What if that's you ? What if you just feel bad for me, you pity me, you-"

She shut her mouth, her lower lip wobbling traitorously. She was determined not to cry. Not when being angry felt so good.

"But you're right. Why didn't I just call?" he urged her. "That would have been the logical course of action. I could have gathered all the information I needed from where I was. I could have hired someone else to watch you, to keep you safe. I could have accepted your money. I could have let you go to Sapporo with the whole team. I could have stayed home tonight."

"So why didn't you?" she spat. "Quit wasting your time on me."

He took a steadying breath.

"I am a selfish man. It only works in my favor, right this second, to illustrate my point. Everything I've done has been excuse after poor excuse to be near you. I don't know how else to convince you that I've always wanted you."

The silence that followed his words created a ringing in her ears and her heart sputtered in response.

Always?

"But you ignored me. For years ." she whispered. "Don't try to act like that makes any sense."

"I didn't ignore you." he said, straightening up. "I should have, but I had Watari relay everything you said. I had him check on you too, to make sure you were safe and happy." She scoffed at this but he continued, his voice tight. "I kept track of your modeling career. Your commercials, your music. I know every magazine you've ever been in. I never stopped thinking about you."

He paused before repeating once more quietly: "I should have."

She felt something akin to missing the last step on the stairs. Was that supposed to be comforting to her? That he regretted it? That he made her wait so long and for what?

"If that's all true." she said slowly, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why go through all that? You pushed me away. Even after the trial, I waited for you." she felt her throat tighten. "I wanted to see you again and thank you for everything you did, but you stood me up. It took five years and me being in trouble for you to come back. If you actually had feelings for me, why ignore me until now?"

"You were a grieving seventeen year old when we met," he said. "I didn't have any business involving myself with you, and you know it."

"Well I didn't stay seventeen." she challenged hotly. "And besides that I know you've slept with your other clients before. Obviously you don't have a problem with that side of whatever it is we have going on, as you made very clear tonight. What I don't get is why you act like you have some weird moral code against it."

"Moral code," he repeated darkly. "Yes, I took advantage of their gratitude, but I never wanted you to think that you owed me like that. Not you. And I didn't stay with them; I formed no meaningful relationships. I never have."

She winced at that. Another hitch in his convoluted confession.

"What do you have, like, commitment issues or something?"

"Something like that. It's complicated." His voice was tired and he ran his hands over his eyes. "I think it's obvious I have many issues to deal with. Let's not get into that right now."

She stood on weak legs and paced the room while he sat watching her. What was he doing here? What was the point in telling her? She tried to piece it all together, everything he'd dumped on her. He wanted her? She twisted her fingers together, frowning.

"So you came here tonight to...what? You tell me you have feelings for me, you want me, but you don't get into relationships. Are you just expecting us to be like friends with benefits? "

It wouldn't be enough for her. She was selfish too and she wanted everything.

"No. I don't want that. Well, I do ." he amended sheepishly and upon seeing her expression he quickly attempted to de-escalate. "I want you in every way. But of course not just -" He closed his eyes taking a deep breath. "I may be making things worse. I'm not good at this."

"Just tell me what you want."

"I think it's more important for me to ask what you want." He countered.

"What I want?" She repeated blankly. She stopped her pacing, standing in front of him.

"I'm done staying away from you. Unless that's what you want, but even then…" He trailed off, taking her hands in his. She felt her resolve to stay angry waver. He was always warmer than he looked.

"You're really sorry?" she whispered.

"Yes."

"And you want me?"

" Yes ." he breathed.

"Then make me your girlfriend." The words fly from her lips.

He opened his mouth, but closed it, hesitating.

She tore her hands from his. "Uhg, okay or don't! Forget it, sorry I bothered-"

"No, no , it's not-" He stood taking her shoulders to level with her. "I just told you that I've never done this. I don't know the first thing about how to treat you. I've already made a mess of it thus far. Can't you see how far out of my depth I am?"

She took in his pale, stricken face, his anxiousness that stretched to his hands holding her shoulders.

"Well you could try ." She mumbled, trying to keep the pleading tone out of her voice.

He lifted her chin so that she looked up at him, which suddenly became much more difficult to do than usual.

"I could. For you."

Her heart flutters back to life and just like that whatever remnants of her anger dissipate. Seeming to read her mood, his shoulders relax. He leaned down, his lips pressing lightly to hers. Her hands rose, trailing from his chest to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer. It was soft and sweet for only a fleeting moment before turning bruising and deep. They stumbled backwards, bumping into chairs and walls. They knock into her vanity, sending her carefully arranged makeup spilling to the floor. She opened her mouth to complain but he only took the opportunity to kiss her again, his tongue effectively silencing whatever it is she was going to say.

Dazed and unsure of just how they ended up with her sitting on the edge of her bed, he pushed her back into the mattress. Her legs wrapped around him instinctively, trying to bring him closer to her core and she felt him run a hand up her thigh tugging absentmindedly at the waistband of her shorts.

He began to suck at a spot on her neck that caused her to let out a satisfied sigh, but in the space between him leaving her lips and moving to her neck, a needling fear began to prickle at her, creating a small but definite gap between her and his touch. She stared at the ceiling.

They could continue like this. He was certainly eager , given how insistently he pulled at her pajamas and how his shaking hands paused to hastily undo the button on his jeans. She watched the light in his frantic eyes as he paused, taking in the sight of her beneath him with the same half-crazy desperation she saw in him when they kissed in the elevator. Possessive and dark . Her stomach gave a fluttery swoop in response, anticipation coursing hot through her veins. It would be so easy to just keep going .

He'd end up inside of her and tomorrow would she wake up and find him just as detached as before? Was this just another ploy to keep her quiet?

"You really want to be with me?" She asked, her voice high pitched and breathy, trying to keep her head on as he succeeded in removing her shorts, inching them down.

He murmured an unintelligible affirmation, his hand sliding between her legs, thumb rubbing sweetly into a spot that had her whimpering. Soon he'd be heading to a place she knew would rob her of all her senses if she didn't speak up now .

"Then we need to stop."

His hand stilled and spasmed briefly against her. She powered through her words.

"I-I think I believe you when you say you like me. I mean, I want to, but maybe we should take the physical stuff a little slower. Just for now."

He looked a little as if he'd been knocked over the head which she'd find comical had she not felt so keyed up, half regretting putting a stop to it. She liked him like this; eyes unfocused, his clothes rumpled, ready to be taken off. She also couldn't help but feel distracted by the stiff bulge currently pressed into her. It would be so easy to reach for him, wrap around him and watch him fall apart in her hands. Her hips were aching to grind against him.

He regained his senses quicker than her however and pulled back, sitting up on the bed.

"Of course. Yes." he said, sounding a little drunk. "I got carried away."

"Me too." She said with a breathy laugh.

She reached for the clothing he had succeeded in removing and pulled it on self consciously.

She bit her lip.

"You're not...mad, right?"

"Of course not." he said firmly. "I wouldn't want to if you...I'm not mad."

He looked at his watch and stood. "I've kept you up late, I'm sure you're tired-"

"Oh, but don't go!" she cried, tugging at the hem of his shirt. "Stay here. Sleep with me."

He stared down at her uncertainty.

"But you just said-"

"I mean literal sleep, you pervert." She smiled a little, feeling some of the heavy tension break.

"Ah."

She scooted over, throwing her comforter back and made room for him. He stared down at her before laying beside her awkwardly.

"Well I won't bite you." She said with a giggle at his stiff posture. He looked less nervous minutes before when he was ready to tear her clothes off.

"I've never slept with anyone."

She blinked.

"Oh."

She shared beds with people before. Even just as friends. It didn't occur to her that he hadn't. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. He seemed mostly adverse to any act of vulnerability that wasn't strictly physical.

She got up to turn off the light and hopped back into bed, tucking her legs under the covers and sliding closer next to him. She felt his sharp intake of breath as she lay her head on his chest. She might have suggested he take off his pants since jeans seemed uncomfortable to sleep in, but decided that might just lead them right back to where they were before and so thought better of it.

He remained very still for a long while. She smiled listening to his heart hammering in his chest.

"I'm not exactly old fashioned ," she commented softly, "but I think we're going about this kind of backwards. Like we've missed a few steps."

"Like buying flowers?" He suggested and she grinned remembering their conversation before when he mentioned he never bought women flowers.

"Something like that. Though I'm kind of sick of flowers if you haven't guessed."

"I'll buy you whatever you want," he said dismissively. "I can do that at least."

She yawned and settled herself more comfortably against him, feeling her lids growing heavy. "You shouldn't say that to me. I'm not going to fake being modest like other girls. I like being spoiled."

He murmured something she couldn't quite make out. Sleep had already begun to pull her under. Her mind was going foggy.

She didn't bring it up before that moment, because he probably wasn't ready or maybe he'd never say it, but she wanted to. She wasn't going to take for granted him showing up and confessing everything he did. She just felt so blissful and relieved that he was there, that he was trying, that she couldn't help but want to tell him again. Without regretting it.

Before the last tendrils of sleep pulled her under she whispered it to him, so quietly he might not have heard, and let sleep pull her under.

He listened to her breathing soften and slow, watched the curl of her fingers loosen against his shirt. He lay his head back, blinking up at the ceiling, letting out a long slow breath.

He made his way through most of his life taking calculated risks, making moves that were necessary to get what he needed. Practical, well thought out, always two steps ahead. Tonight, however, he left his apartment without any plan other than to show up and hope the words would come to him, that he could convey what he felt. He stumbled through it, botching it badly along the way, but somehow still managed to wind up there, with her whispering to him in her sleep. She said it like it was nothing, effortless. For her it was.

That was probably what scared him most. How easy it was for her. Not just with him, but everyone. Watari was a given. L knew who she reminded him of, which he tried hard not to put too much thought into what that meant for himself . Even without that, she would have won the old man over. His brother too seemed to have thawed out considerably towards her which was a small miracle in itself.

She was bright and good and opened her heart freely. Her personal tragedies didn't harden her or make her bitter like his own did. Her feelings weren't a constant source of inner conflict like it was for him. He wrestled with everything . The shame in admitting that it started when they met and had only gotten stronger and more obvious when she was near. That every lonely night he spent in a foreign country, in some hotel whether he slipped away from someone else's bed or lay alone in his, his thoughts strayed to her when he had no right to want her. Every time she reached out made him dig his heels even harder into the dirt, because he thought it was impossible for her to reciprocate. So why torture himself? It was his own fault for putting her on the pedestal.

His reasons for pushing her away seemed even bigger now that she was freely giving herself to him. Giving in to her felt both like a victory and defeat. Even now he was stubborn. He made a list of excuses to leave, to go back on his promise, to disappear tomorrow.

But as she sighed in her sleep, her warm body nestled in contentedly, each of those excuses became harder to defend. He watched the curve of her soft lips part in her sleep, the steady rise and fall of her chest, and felt the comforting pressure of her beside him. He didn't know you could have someone be so close and still ache to be nearer.

He closed his eyes. Despite exhaustion settling over him, heavy and weary, he fought back against sleep. He wanted to stay there a little longer.

He wished she would say it again. Just one more time. Just so he could say it back while she couldn't hear him.

She awoke the next morning feeling a rush of anxiety at the empty space beside her. She sat up worried until she heard the shower turn on. She sighed laying back. She didn't fight the smile that seemed permanently affixed to her lips. Instead she sat up stretching, feeling energized.

She changed while he was showering and then went to rummage around her kitchen for something to eat. It was probably hopeless since she hadn't been back in so long. She'd become dependent on Watari making her eat something every morning.

While she looked through her cabinets he came in behind her. He was rubbing his damp hair with one of her fuzzy purple towels. She took her electric kettle to the sink and began filling it, speaking over her shoulder.

"All I have is instant coffee, sorry."

She loved how his eyes widened at her outfit. She had put on a flimsy black dress that bordered on lingerie and in her mind, was definitely not meant to be worn for long. She paired it with thigh highs and an oversized cardigan and took immense pleasure in the fact that his eyes were practically glued to her. She decided that a little teasing wouldn't hurt now that they were official. Though she hoped it did. A little.

She stretched on her tiptoes to reach for a dainty teacup from the top shelf. She felt the warmth of him behind her reaching easily over her head to pull it down.

"You're testing what little self control I have."

He settled himself at the counter pouring his usual obscene amount of sugar into the mug and tearing open the instant coffee packet with an experimental sniff. His hair, still wet from the shower, stuck to his cheekbones and dripped onto his white shirt creating little transparent drops.

The sight of him sitting there so casually sent another rush of happiness beaming into her. Her boyfriend .

"I think you have too much self control actually." She countered cheerfully, swooping to kiss him on the cheek before pouring the steaming water into his mug. He brought a hand up to touch his cheek murmuring.

"Not when it comes to you."

He stirred his coffee around with a spoon looking slightly disgruntled. She covered her mouth as a giggle bubbled up.

"Are you maybe pouting because I wouldn't put out last night?"

He dumped the remainder of her sugar container in his cup, ignoring her. She leaned on her palm on the counter to stare at him, giving him a sweet smile. She used her overly cutesy model voice, since she knew it annoyed him.

"Are you thinking Misa-Misa is too mean to be your girlfriend?"

His eyes drifted from hers to the cleavage she not so subtly pressed into his field of view.

"No, I was just thinking about how you tasted."

She let out a little gasp, feeling the blood rush to her face and her mouth fall open.

He stood, taking a sip and disappeared around the corner to her bedroom.

" Perv ." She muttered under her breath, but it lacked any venom. She was too distracted by the clearly satisfied upturned corner of his mouth.

She followed him out to her bedroom where he stood sipping his coffee and looking at her wall dedicated to fan letters and art she'd received over the years. He bent to read some, inspecting it like he was a curious patron at an art gallery. His eyes slid from photo to photo. Some of her with huge groups of fans, some at meet and greets. There were even a few of her and Naomi on set.

"Why do you stay at Facade?" He asked suddenly.

She blinked.

"Well, it's my first real job...I don't really see the need to go to another agency."

Which was partly true. She was offered other jobs at a few different agencies over the years, sometimes with better pay. But Facade was familiar and truth be told she was scared of leaving to start somewhere new. Even with the stalker problem. A sudden thought occurred to her and she gave him a wary look.

"You're not going to ask me to quit, are you?"

He shook his head.

"No, I'll respect your wishes when it comes to what you want it's just..." He paused. "You're not allowed to have a boyfriend."

She laughed, relaxing a little bit.

"Oh! Yeah I guess not, but I'm sure I can work something out. It's kind of an outdated policy and since they're freaking out about models leaving I bet they'll lighten up."

"Did you know that most other agencies aren't so restrictive?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I looked into other agencies here." he said, "Facade is the only one I've encountered that tracks their models so closely. What you do in your free time is monitored, what you wear, who speak to. Your social media is monitored. They do extensive background checks on their models. Does that seem normal to you?"

She knew Facade was strict, but she also knew it came with the territory. It was rated one of the best in Tokyo. She had to go through a ton of interviews before they brought her on as a model. She was always told that other agencies were lax because they didn't care about quality like Facade did. She explained this to him and then added.

"Besides, Naomi is there. She takes photos for them a lot. I'd hate to not be able to work with her again."

"She no longer works for them."

She stared at him blankly.

"What?"

"She's been permanently blacklisted. She can't work for Facade, or take photos for any agency. Not in this prefecture. Probably not anywhere in Tokyo."

She froze, frowning. "Why?"

"She followed Light Yagami one night, and before you ask I didn't put her up to it she decided on her own, he found out and got angry. He's made it so that she can't find work. I'm employing her as you know, so she's not going hungry anytime soon, but still."

"He can do that?" She said, her voice hushed. Her stomach gave a guilty lurch. Had she known she would have said something to him. She couldn't imagine him going that far without letting her explain. Why hadn't Naomi said anything? She looked up to see L watching her carefully.

"He can do more than that. He's done worse still. I've kept you in the dark thinking it was the right thing to do, that I was protecting you. It's clear to me now that I've only been making it easier for him to get to you."

He set his cup down and pulled out his old flip phone. He dialed and she recognized Watari's voice on the other end of the line.

"We're at Misa's apartment. Yes, let me know when you're here."

She watched him drain the rest of his coffee in one swig, hanging up.

"What're we doing?" She asked, confused.

Her sweater had fallen over one shoulder and he took his time pulling it up for her, fingers brushing lightly against her skin.

"I think it's time I show you the evidence I have against him. All of it."

As always I'm more active on ao3 (plus have more stories there)