Tumblr ask for profoundoperatorstatesmanopera: The tortoise is employed thus. The burglar has with him a flint-stone and a candle about as big as a little finger. He lights the candle and sticks it on the tortoise's back. The tortoise is then introduced through the breach into the house, and it crawls slowly around, thereby illuminating the house and its contents. Set somewhere after Boxed Up Fury but before Out of Time.

The burglar moved quietly against the building, holding a mess of objects against their side. They hid in the shadows, side stepping to avoid the brightly shining lights above.

"Where is it," the burglar murmured to their partner, feeling the stone against their free hand. Finding the doorknob, they turned it slowly, counting their lucky stars that it was open. Probably thought no one would break in. Quietly, they descended the stairs, careful not to alert anyone working below. Thankfully, the lab below was dim - no one was there.

Gingerly, the burglar put down their partner in crime, reaching for the candle and flint at their side.

"Okay, listen here you reptil inútil," they hissed, crouching down to put said candle on its back. "All you got to do is walk from here to the desk. Got me?"

The tortoise's head slowly emerged from its shell, blinking up as the burglar lit the candle.

"Hello - you understand right? Manson said you were the smartest one," they drawled, waving their hand in front of the reptile. It blinked again, turning slowly toward the inner part of the lab. They sighed, frustrated. "Serves me right for listening to that goth freak. Said you were fast too - else I'd take the hamster. Or was it the guinea pig?"

The burglar waited impatiently as the creature moved throughout the lab, illuminating a general area for them to search.

What they didn't expect was for the Fentons to be in the lab. Or to be enamoured by the dumb tortoise as it crawled across the lab, trapping the burglar in one section of it. Or for the weirdos to think it was a ghost.

Or for them to be down there for two hours.

How was she supposed to find it now?

:-=-:

"Why are you in the dark?" Jazz asked, flipping the lights. Her eyes found her parents quickly, huddled in the middle of the lab over… "Is that a tortoise?"

"Ghost tortoise!" Jack corrected, waving her over. "Too bad your brother isn't around to see it."

"Jack," Maddie started, frowning. She sat up, studying the reptile as it continued onward, looking embarassed. "The candle is tied to its back. I don't think-"

"Why is there a livetortoise in the lab!?" Jazz exclaimed, rushing over to it. She blew out the candle, watching the smoke wisp upward and the animal stopping, retreating back into its shell.

"It's a ghost!" Jack replied earnestly.

Maddie and Jazz looked at each other. "Does it react to the ghost scanners?" Jazz asked.

"No."

"Or have an aura now that the candle's out?" Maddie added.

"Uh…. No."

"So why did the two of you think it was a ghost?" Jazz asked exasperatedly. "Seriously, sometimes I wonder how you didn'trealize there was a ghost living -"

Clang.

All three Fentons turned, bristling in surprise as the burglar knocked over a metal object. Quickly, both parents drew weapons, but it was Jazz to recognized the intruder.

"Paulina?"

"Ugh," Paulina muttered, raising her hands in surrender as Jack and Maddie lowered their weapons. "Oh hi," she said sweetly, batting her eyes. "I'm like, so sorry but I was just looking for something to help me contact a friend of mine. Fen- I mean Danny let me in."

Jazz frowned sceptically. "Which friend?"

"Oh… just the ghost boy," she said dreamily. "I lost his number a few weeks ago and I just… if anyone would have it, it'd be you all."

Jack, Maddie and Jazz looked at each other quizzically, looked at the clock and grinned. Danny was still on patrol and wouldn't be back for another hour.

"He wouldn't like this would he?" Maddie whispered to Jazz.

Jazz smirked. "Nope," she replied. "And it wouldn't do too much harm. Just make him embarrassed for a few hours. Besides - I owe him for earlier."

"Well girlie, of course we have his number!" Jack boomed. Paulina was ecstatic, positively glowing as the orange clad man made his way over to a desk and scribbled down something on a piece of paper. "Any friend of Phantom is a friend of ours."

:-=-:

"Let me get this straight... Paulina broke into the lab -"

"Yep."

"In the middle of the night-"

"Correct."

"With a Tortoise and a candle -"

"Uh-huh."

"To find Phantom's phone number?"

"You betcha."

"And you gave it to her!?"

"Relax son, we didn't give her Phantom's number. We gave her your number."

"… I… I have no words."

The phone on the table lit up for the thirty-sixth time in the last hour.

"No wait - I do. Can I change my number?"

I have no words - this was difficult to fit in but I think it's okay? Darn funny though. I used google translate for the spanish, so if anyone has a better way to say "useless reptile" please let me know.

My husband and I legit just had an entire dinner conversation involving a tortoise, Paulina, Fentonworks and Phantom's phone number. He's never seen the full series and is not allowed to read my fics. But he definitely has opinions on this including Cornelius the tortoise - he is a gem and the best boy.