Disclamer: I don't own Inuyasha and the song, If I Let You Go by Westlife. Only this story belongs to me.
If I Let You Go
"Pains of love be sweeter far than all the other pleasures are."
--- John Dryden
He was always looking for her, searching. Finding the one with the dark eyes, the eyes that would shine brighter than the night sky, and yet it was so deep and so alluring and he would always find himself drowning in her endless gaze.
He had not seen her, not drown in those eyes of hers for a very, very long time. It had been so long since he had sat beside her, just talking and smelling her wondrous scent that would cling to him even after he left her to go to do his duties. He had missed her dearly, and it was his own doing that had caused her to leave. And now, he would redeem himself.
Day after day
That time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Five hundred years was a very long time. The images of her kept flashing into his mind, mocking him about what he could have, but did not have. What he could have done, but did not do. She haunted his dreams and waking moments. Every time he would turn, expecting her to be there, smiling at him, or giving him her annoyed look or even giving some sort of witticism that he often found engaging. And of course, their deep conversations were something that he truly missed.
The cold taiyoukai that seemed to have no emotions and no feelings whatsoever by his vassals could not deny the fact that he had been dreaming, thinking and remembering the miko, the one that he once thought was his half-brother's wench until he found out that this young woman, with the child-like wonder and fiery temper, was her very own person. She glowed as if from within, an ethereal creature, not of this world. She was exotic creature, strange and elegant and full of mystery. And she was very, very tempting.
Nobody knows what I'm hiding inside
I keep on searching but I can't find
The courage to show
To letting you know
I never felt so much before
He didn't know exactly when he had fallen for this woman-child, this woman with the shining eyes, this strange woman that was full of compassion, full of love for others. This ethereal creature that was so pure, so innocent and untainted.
It could be when he had unexpectedly found her sitting by herself that night, on the grass in a vast field looking up at the millions of stars that would graze the skies in the night-time. That was the place he himself had always come at night to collect his thoughts under the never-ending sky and remember that he was small compared to the universe ahead of him.
It was here, this field that was filled with flowers in the spring time and this place that was so silent, so calming and so tranquil that he had fallen for her. It was when the wind whipped her hair around, her ebony locks flying and her eyes, shining and full of feelings when she had looked at him.
It had all started with a single question. She had struck a chord in his heart when she had casually asked that one question which prompt him to answer and that it led to a long conversation deep into the night. He had left after she had repeatedly yawned, indicating that she needed rest and yet she wanted to continue the topic, she had been unafraid of the taiyoukai that he was and he had found that amusing. He had promise to continue the conversation tomorrow and she had smile at him then. And he had been so shocked and he could not do anything but watch her run to where her companions lay in slumber.
And he returned the next night to see her already waiting for him, and the smile that she gave him again, sincere and full of light, he couldn't help but feel a jolt in his stomach. None had dared to smile at the taiyoukai, none had dared to banter with him, none had dared to ask him to scoot over so that she could sit beside him and yet here she was doing it. He had found it engaging and entertaining and refrained from killing her.
The conversations would go on, long and deep and the questions that she would ask was so shocking and the fact that she had an insightful view of it would surprise him and this would remind him that he knew nothing of the woman-child that was before him. And he had resolved to find out everything about her.
The nights went on, and he had become surprisingly comfortable with her. And she with him to the extent that she would blurt out to him her fears and dread. And he would try to comfort her in the ways he knew best. He was comfortable to the extent that he would show her his emotions or thoughts, and the fact that she could easily know what he thought when he raise an eyebrow or when he smirked slightly showed how much they had become relaxed and at ease with each others presence and how familiar they were with each other.
And he had fallen for her slowly.
And every time he looked into her eyes, the stars that shone there were far brighter than the ones they sat underneath together. And eyes would pull him into their depth and he would find that he had to struggle to remain sane, to remain unaffected by her presence.
He had not once let her know how he felt, never once let her know the inner turmoil he felt inside him, when she would smile at him, or brush his hair which she would annoyingly said that was so pretty and he had not told her the strong emotions that she caused to show up in him when she would hold his hands and lean on him, and slowly fall asleep.
She was a human. A miko dedicated to finding the Shikon shards and putting them back together again.
He was a taiyoukai. The Lord of the Western Lands dedicated to protecting and securing his lands. He had a duty to his lands.
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
His duty was to mate one who could help him secure his lands even further and help his lands prosper. A mate that was strong and a mate that was a youkai.
He denied everything that he felt for her. He had a duty and she was just refraining him from doing it. The feelings he had for her were just a mild attraction that would come too pass.
He felt nothing for her.
Nothing.
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
He continued their conversations in the night, and she had noticed that he was being colder than usual and she had been quiet that night. And he had felt sorry for he couldn't put her to blame for all those emotions that he felt as he was the one that had allowed himself to be affected by it.
He had apologized in his own way, and she had returned to the conversation with real gusto. He had been glad then that he had managed to pull her out of her reverie. And then, he had slowly delayed the mating ritual that he was supposed to do.
That night, before the final battle to regain the shards from Naraku, he had found her crying as he descended to the ground. She had been crying. Her deep, dark blue eyes had turned to a murky grey as she tried to stifle the sobs from him. He had been enraged then. Was it his idiotic half-brother that hurt her? But when she shook her head no, he had no idea what to do, and he did the first thing that came too his mind.
He pulled her gently to his embrace and she had clung to him, letting go of all her tears, and he murmured words of concern, hoping that she would stop crying for the tears that she shed seemed like whips beating against him. He wanted to help her and yet he was helpless. He had asked what was wrong. The words that sprouted out made no sense to him, but he knew that she was distressed. The cold, icy feel of it was rolling out of her in waves, and his heart had clenched painfully.
When he had calmed her down enough and had slowly asked her to tell him again what that had distressed her so much, the look in her eyes that spoke of pain and hurt and hope raised up the coil of dread in him. She had said sorry that she hadn't told him this and she broke their embrace and then she had looked away from him, ashamed.
And he was left wondering what that she had done that she was so afraid to tell him for fear of him being angry with her and he had slowly prompt her to tell him and that he needed to know.
And when she finally told him, the impact was too much.
Will I ever see you smiling back at me
How will I ever know
If I let you go
She was from the future.
The future.
A part of his mind acknowledged this fact and found the explanation suiting as that would explain her outrageous clothing and her words that seemed to make no sense. The contraptions that she brought and the delectable delicacies that she would often give to Rin, his ward.
She had disappeared for weeks sometimes, often telling him that she needed to see her family, when he had asked her where, she had not told him. And now he knew. The future was beyond the well. The Bone-Eater's Well. She was far from the future, and she was pulled into the past because of the Shikon No Tama.
Night after night
I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you
To sleep in my arms
But another part of him felt betrayed. For he had thought that she had trusted him enough to tell him that very important fact. And he had felt betrayed for he had thought that she would always be there for him, and that she would always continue their conversations together in this field forever. And that they would always look upon the night sky together in a comfortable silence.
It was a futile dream for she was a human and could only live for so long. He was a demon and he could live for as long as he'd like.
And she was from the future. He was in the past. Her past.
It's just a shame
We're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later
I gotta choose
He comforted herand he betrayed none of the emotions that he kept hidden deep in his heart. He calmed her down and assured her that he was not mad at her, and that he understood her destiny. He told her that when the Shikon No Tama is finally reformed. She could return to her family when she was done with her destine and that she did not have to go to war anymore and that she would be safe in the future. And that all will be well for she was strong, and this was her destiny.
And he wanted to say that he needed her, didn't want her to go, and she must stay but she was not for him.
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out.
She had waited for him to go on, her deep eyes shining with hope and he knew that she was waiting for him to say something that they both so desperately needed to hear, but he was not strong enough. He had just told her to return to her companions, and her eyes fell, and when he had looked in them again, they spoke and sadness and disappointment, and he had felt so, so, pained.
Nobody knows what I'm hiding inside
I keep on searching but I can't find
The courage to show
To letting you know
I never felt so much before
She stood up, swaying a little, and he had help supported her unsteady legs. She had smiled at him but he knew she was upset. He had not the courage and he had not the strength. He couldn't say those simple words. And she then was the one, who pulled him to her, and she had run her hands through his hair, and then she was twining her arms around his neck, and he was hit with a startling wave of dizziness.
This was not something that he should have allowed; he had always resisted such gestures of adoration and affection a long time ago. And yet he pulled her closer, his own hands encircling her, as if it was perfectly natural and her breath swept over his cheeks and he belatedly realized she was standing on her tiptoes. His mind had been so numb, only concentrating on her, inhaling her spell-binding scent that haunted the one who beheld it – roses mingled with a faint spiciness.
She had kissed him then, her soft lips pressed onto his, and it didn't stop there, it was sweet and tentative and gentle, and it was unsure and the entrancing tenderness made him eager for more, but as he reached for her, she had stopped the kiss and she had turned and left.
And he had stood there as he watched her leave.
He had thought about her later that night after he had returned to the safe sanctuary of his home. He had thought of her, and how she felt, how she tasted, how she smelled like and he had thought of the consequences and the pain and his father and his mother and that woman, Inuyasha's mother.
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
And the final battle started. And he fought alongside his half-brother, the houshi and the taijiya and her, the miko.
And they had a victorious victory because of her. He had been proud of her, proud of this woman-child with the fiery temper, and deep questions and beautiful eyes. He had known that she was powerful, but she was also fragile and he had been so very amazed when she gave out that much energy to once and for all kill the hanyou that had brought so much misery to them.
When she had reformed the jewel, he had wanted to say it, had wanted to tell her what he felt, had wanted to hold her, had wanted to taste her. And he had reached out for her. Had wanted to hold, had wanted to tell her that he'd made up his mind.
But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
He had reached out for her and her for him. But in that one moment in time, that one moment in which he thought everything had stood to a standstill, in that one moment, she was overwhelmed in a pink light. The Shikon No Tama. She had been encased in its power, and it illuminated her features, making her seem to look like an angel that had descended form the skies. And he tried to move, to stop her from returning to the future, but then, a lone tear cascaded down her cheeks so like the sky he loved watching with her and she had mouthed the words that he could not say, and then, she was gone.
And he had stood there, unable to believe that she was truly gone, he had gone to the well, had tried to get her back and had not succeeded.
If I let you go
His half-brother and her companions had sympathized with him. But he showed not any of his weakness. He betrayed no emotion in his face, though his half-brother knew that her absence had affected him greatly. He continued his life. He stopped the nightly visits in the night. He had stopped looking at anything that reminded him of her, but he could not forget.
He still remembered her, even as the years passed by.
Still had the memories of her.
Of how she smelt of roses and spices. Roses that spoke of her gentle nature, of her beauty, of her love. And yet the thorns reminded him of her spunk. And the spices spoke of her temper. Her stubbornness.
He still remembered how she felt against him. So fragile, so weak.
It was a wonder to see how this woman that was so much like a child contained so much power and could fight.
And he remembered how she had tasted.
That lingering first kiss of theirs.
That first kiss that was their last.
Night after night
I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
He struggled on through the years, refusing to take any mate for he couldn't forget her. The memories wouldn't go.
And at last, his ward had left; now a young woman, she had her own life to lead, and it was a bleak future for him. Jaken stayed on, and the years flew by.
People came and went.
Some of his vassals betrayed him, some intended to kill him, but he struggled on. Refusing to give up.
The population of ningens grew and the youkai race dwindled. And he became weary.
He had grown old although he still looked like he was when she was there, he was drained and shattered.
It was so long.
He had avoided looking at the night sky tat would always remind him of her and the conversations that they had in that field that was now populated by humans.
And he had nearly given up, but the memories of her were so strong that he could not help but to live for her. For she had requested that once in one of their conversations and he had thought it was an unusual request, but he had complied.
And then, as a few hundred years passed, he finally knew when and why she was dressed like that and he had finally understood her request. Had finally knew her hidden meaning that she had laced in those words, and he had searched for her, believing that she was waiting for him.
Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
The years continued to pass with him alone, and searching and alone.
He wanted to give up. He would never find her, would never sit and just see the skies with her again, would never indulged himself in her scent any longer, would never feel her sweet embrace, would never taste her, would never see her and would never fall into her eyes again.
I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go
And he had felt strangely encouraged by that dream that he had. The one which she had told him that she loved drinking coffee when it rained. He had not known what the substance was then, but now he knew.
And when it had rained that day, the drops of rain seemed like a blessing from the gods. And he had gone to search for her.
And after a few hundred long years, he had finally found her.
A young woman, she still had the child-like quality around her, but she grew and was even more beautiful, even more ethereal, and she was a young woman. And he was old.
He had not the courage that he had thought he build up during those years to go to her, and murmur the words that she had so desperately needed to hear. He had not the courage to walk to her; she sat by the corner, staring at the rain beating against the window glass.
He had gone tired and embittered and he didn't deserve her. And he was afraid.
Afraid that she would not accept him.
It's just a shame
We're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later
I gotta choose
And he turned to leave. Turned to leave this cozy haven of a café, had turned to the rain, beating mercilessly on the pavement. And he had wanted to leave.
And then…
"Sesshoumaru!"
Her voice, so like the one he remembered.
He turned slowly, hoping that she had called him, and that it wasn't his imagination, and that she was truly the one.
She walked to him then, and held his hand and looked at him so desperately with those eyes that he had loved ever so much. So much like the night-sky of their first time together. She had looked at him frantically and anxiously.
And he had stared back, amber eyes unblinking, he was sure that she could feel his heart beating wildly against his chest and he couldn't think.
Both were not saying a word.
Both were not letting go.
Both in their own world, where only two existed.
Both were weary.
And he was tired.
Tired of wanting.
Tired of needing.
Tired for not saying.
And he was tired for letting her leave.
And he had pulled her into his embrace, so reminiscing.
And as he tilted up her head to meet her lips,
"Kagome, you must stay here, with me, forever, and… and… I love you."
And with that kiss, the years that had passed between them, thosefive hundred years and more, faded into inexistence.
He had found her again.
He had his Kagome again.
And this time, he wasn't going to hesitate.
He wasn't going to be a coward.
He wasn't going to.
He wasn't going to let her go.
xxx
Edited
Thursday, 23.3.2006,
10.25pm.
What do you think? Well, please review. First time writing a one-shot so please give me your comments.
And thanks for reading!
Yours truly, Nicolet.