Written by: Hikari Riku
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and trademarks are the property of J.K. Rowling. I own nothing.
A/N: Contains: JamesxLily, JamesxSirius, implied one-sided RemusxLily.
Lily wasn't pleased. James could tell by the way she would glance up at him every now and again, and when their eyes would meet she would turn her nose up and look away, and pretend to listen intently to the conversations of her friends.
There was no mistaking it. She knew, as she always knew. She knew he had done something wrong, and she would tell him off hard for it later.
Later…when he came and told her what had happened…
Lily wasn't the kind to bring up a subject, especially one involving James, and confront someone with it head on. She would wait, glancing at him with her emerald green eyes, showing her hurt and disappointment, ignore him when he tried to talk normally to her, and avoid the subject all together until he could no longer stand it, and confessed to the wrongs he had committed.
And Oh, how wrong these past wrongs committed were!
It was almost unbearable to see them reflected in Lily's eyes. Though of course he knew from past experiences though, that in fact, Lily didn't actually know what he had done, but she knew he had done something, and that he would confess to it, and knew with absolute certainty that he shouldn't have done it.
And how he knew he shouldn't have done it!
The guilt was all but killing him now, as it had been since the morning, when he had first walked into the Great Hall, and she had first looked at him in that way. Not because she was doing what she usually did when he misbehaved, but because of the magnitude of this deed, and the knowledge that she hadn't a clue what it really was…
If he could help it, he would keep this secret for the rest of his life, and take it to his grave with him. She would never know. It would hurt her too much.
Wallowing in his despair at what he had done, he slid into the bench during lunch and pushing his plate rudely onto Remus' side of the table, buried his head in his arms.
He felt a hand on his shoulder instantly, and knew from the intense shock that rippled through his body at the touch, who it was. He could hear the hushed words from his concerned friends as they asked if he was alright.
Not from him though. He didn't ask, he simply sat there, hand on his shoulder, burning so many emotions into him it hurt. Though at the same time James couldn't get enough of the feeling and was sorely tempted to sit up and lean into the touch, to lean into his arms, knowing all to well, that they would be warm and comforting and just for him…
He wanted to, but it wasn't right…not when Lily was sitting not ten feet away from them down the Gryffindor table. But oh, how he wanted too! If only for a moment, he might make the guilt and sickening feelings go away, for a moment he would make everything feel alright again, as only he seemed to be able to do.
It was ironic really. It was so wrong, James knew it. What had happened…it was never supposed to happen, but it did, those feelings the two had held for each other for so long, had exploded and they'd been so driven by a rush of emotions and desperation, that neither had though to stop, and when they had it was already to late…
It was so ironic. The one person who was making everything seem so bad, everything seem so wrong, was the one person he wanted comfort from, the one person he really really loved.
And it was so wrong. So very wrong. For all the love Lily had for him, she was still just his girlfriend…and they…they were so much more now…
No, amount of lies could cover that fact up completely. Though no one else would ever have to know, he would know, because it was too wrong to tell, and so very unfair to Lily. Lily who loved him so dearly. Lily who was oblivious to his actions the previous night…
James lifted his head slightly, and met Lily's intense emerald green eyes, worry and concern flooding them, but rather then rush to him like he knew she wanted to she remained seated, a pleading look on her face. She knew something was really wrong, and wanted to know what. She wanted him to tell her.
He could. He could tell her right now, without having to move, it would be easy. All he had to do was sit up and lean into him, to let him hold him, knowing that he wouldn't lose a minute of sleep over it.
James knew that he loved him. Knew that he didn't care about what anyone else thought about that, didn't care what even Lily thought. But he wouldn't do anything unless James allowed it. James was the only one who's opinion mattered to him, who's thoughts and feelings he respected no matter how jumbled and confused they got.
So James knew that he would understand this. Knew that he would understand why they couldn't be together. Lily didn't deserve it. Lily didn't deserve to be brushed aside, not when she loved him so much. Besides, if he hurt her, Remus would kill him, and then he would kill Remus, and then it would just be a bloody mess…
He couldn't tell her. Couldn't show her what he was feeling. No. He would go on with this lie. Even if he didn't love her like he once had…he would do this, for her sake.
He sat upright, and wordlessly left the room, feeling him fall into place behind him. He didn't look up as he passed Lily, but kept his eyes trained on the floor, if he looked at her now, then she'd know…
It hurt so much, and his emotions were always so clear when he was hurting.
Once outside the door, he walked a little ways, to the farthest corner where he could say this in privet, and a moment later he joined him. James knew the moment he looked up and into his lovers eyes that he knew what was coming.
"We can't do this…we can't."
He understood, as he understood everything that went on in James head. He'd known from the start that they couldn't…at least, not yet. If he had to, he would wait. He would wait forever for James.
"I know…" he said simply, and took a step forward, wrapping his arms around James and pulling him close. Kissing him with all of the emotions he had left within him, giving James everything he had in this last go. James did the same.
When they broke apart, it felt as though James heart had just ripped in two, and he knew that he felt the same thing. Tears suddenly started to claw their way out of James eyes, as he gazed at his lover in an almost heartbroken manner. Knowing that that was the last time, they would ever be able to share such a kiss for a very very long time.
Numbly, he stared at him for a moment, vaguely registering that Remus, Peter, and Lily were coming out of the Great Hall, having finished their lunches. James quickly stepped back, but careful not to be conspicuous. "Hey…" he said in a depressed tone as they approached. They chorused a greeting in return.
James felt his lover punch him in the shoulder good-naturedly, getting his attention. "I've got to go guys." he said, giving James a long lingering look, then turning to the others. "I'll see you later." and with that he turned and walked away.
James watched him go, his whole body aching in despair, but knowing he couldn't run after him like he wanted to and instead all he did was manage to mutter a very weak, "Bye…" and tried not to shudder when he felt small feminine arms wrap around his waist, or when Lily's voice whispered into his ear. "I love you."
"I love you too." James replied, in a very convincing tone.
…Even if it waskind of a lie…
Finis
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