Chapter 4
It was his first time at the hospital since he had left almost a year ago. Nothing had changed, except the weather. John Carter stood at the entrance to the ambulance bay watching for Susan to finish her shift. He turned his back to the hospital and faced the building behind him. That lot brought back too many memories than once place should hold. Even though it was now a supermarket, Doc Magoo's was still fresh in his mind. He smiled at the times he had spent in there. Carter glanced around him once again thinking of everything that had happened to him in the ambulance bay over the last 12 years; walking to work, playing basketball, running out of a trauma to sit on the kerb, his breakdown before re-hab, walking to Doc's with Abby, the hours they both spent in their with their coffee and pie, his final words to Mark Greene, his many anger driven exits out of County and of course his returns. Carter could almost feel his eyes water at the memories, both good and bad and for once in almost a whole year Carter felt as though he was at home.
Behind him Susan Lewis made her approach and as she got nearer him she slowed her pace. For the last few steps she walked on her toes until she reached out and grabbed him.
"Ha-ha! Gotcha!"
Startled, Carter turned around. He began to laugh.
"You…you scared me!"
"That was the general idea" Susan remarked as she smiled at Carter.
"How come you didn't come in?" She added.
Carter smiled at her as he lifted his hand and put it on the back of his neck.
"I guess I'm just not in the mood to go see everyone and have to answer like a thousand questions"
"Fair enough" Susan replied as she began to walk out of the ambulance bay. Carter soon followed her in silence.
They both walked quietly for several minutes until they had made their way down to the river. As the walked along the river front Carter once and again was a-wash with memories.
"So how was your shift?" Carter asked.
Susan looked at him and rolled her eyes.
"You know, you don't have to waste your time on small talk. We both know what we're here to talk about." Susan added.
Carter hung his head.
"Yeah, you're right." He said as he stopped walking and made his way over to the nearest empty bench.
"Ok Carter, so what's going on?" Susan asked as she sat down beside him.
"You're really cutting to the chase huh?" Carter remarked.
"Well what were you expecting?" Susan replied with a laugh.
Carter laughed back at her as he reached his hand up to his head and ran it through his hair.
"Maybe I was expecting to be edged into it. Slowly." He smiled. "Like an actual conversation." He said sarcastically.
In reply Susan shot him a classic "yeah right" look. Carter, in response smiled.
Susan watched her friend for a few brief moments. She watched as he shifted his weight in the bench until he was facing her. She could already tell that this was going to be an uncomfortable subject.
"Come one Carter. What's up?"
Carter leaned back on the bench, he flung his head back as a sign of exasperation and as he brought his head back to being level with Susan's he said:
"Kem and I are taking a break" He stated with a very "matter of a fact" tone.
Susan was somewhat astonished. That was by no means what she was expecting him to say.
"Wha…what?" She stuttered.
Carter threw her a slightly dismal smile. Susan was still completely shocked.
"Wh-why?" She answered.
Carter shrugged his shoulders as he said:
"She uhh, she doesn't think I'm happy" He replied.
Susan stared at him for several moments before she spoke.
"…and, well are you?" She asked.
Carter sighed and shook his head as he looked at Susan. He didn't really know how to answer her, partly because he didn't know the answer.
"I honestly don't know!" He started. "I'd like to think I am you know? I mean, well I've practically devoted my entire life to her. I've gave up my job for her, my home, my friends…everything. But in all honesty, I uhh…I don't know anymore…and if I don't find out soon, I think one of us is going to give up." He spoke softly.
"That sucks Carter" Susan replied, putting her hand on top of his.
She then turned to face the river flowing before her and for a while she found herself lost in it. She was genuinely upset for Carter but somewhere in the back of her mind she thought of him and Abby and remembered they way they did, and still do, love each other. She was all too quickly snapped back to reality when she remembered what Carter had said to her the night before.
"So, is this what Abby isn't to know?" She asked.
Carter smiled sadly and nodded his head.
"Pretty much, minus a few other details." He said.
Susan nodded her head as a way of responding, but she still didn't understand why Abby couldn't know about the "break". She gave into her puzzled mind:
"Carter…" She said to get his attention. "…why can't Abby know? I don't get it…" She continued.
Carter stifled a laugh as he shook his head.
"Because, she's the problem…" He sighed.
And the problem she most certainly was. Little did Abby know, she was responsible for her friends misfortune and upset, she was responsible for his early arrival to Chicago and, unknown to her, his late departure. It wasn't her actions, nor her physical presence that had been causing the problems. It was however the impact she had left on her ex-love on that fateful night in Paris that had caused his mind to slowly but surely convince himself that he didn't belong in Africa and, more importantly…that he didn't belong with Kem:
"Here you are monsieur" spoke a young waiter as he handed Carter his plate.
Carter smiled at the waiter. "Merci" he said as he allowed the waiter to place his plate on the table.
Carter smiled at his new wife across the table as she was also served her meal. She politely smiled back before she stared at the char-grilled piece of meat on her plate.
"You really do pick the tackiest places to eat sometimes you know that right?" She laughed.
Carter smiled back at her. "Hey c'mon! It's a themed restaurant! Its fun!"
Kem smiled at him again. "Well clearly my definition of fun is far from yours" She joked.
Carter rolled his eyes. "Yeah…well…" he stuttered. "How many 70's restaurants do you see in the centre of Paris?"
"American seventies restaurants" Kem added.
"Exactly" Carter replied as he ate some French-fries.
Kem merely shook her head as Carter laughed.
"Well, then I am educating you on American culture" Carter added smugly. Kem laughed in reply.
Both sides of the table began to eat their meal. Kem much slower than Carter who had pretty-much devoured his entire dish in the time it took Kem to get started.
Once Carter had finished and Kem was almost half-way through her meal she stopped and groaned.
"What on earth is this music!" She shrieked.
Carter laughed at her. "Oh stop complaining! This is a classic" He remarked.
"What is classical about 'sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight'?" She replied.
Carter smiled at the mention of the lyrics.
"Who even sings this, John?" Kem asked.
As Carter thought of the artist his mind slowly rewound to the last time he had heard it. The grin on his face slowly reverted to a happy smile as he remembered Abby screeching it from her end of the bed all those years ago. He could remember exactly how he felt right there and then, and still now, he had a little bit of that feeling left over which really was the last thing he needed to know when he was on his honeymoon.
And that was it. More often that not he had found himself thinking of Chicago, and of Abby. Thinking of what had happened, what could happen and what he wanted to happen. He was slowly wrecking his own marriage and he was well aware of it – yet he still couldn't get Abby out of his head; no matter how hard he tried and don't think this escaped the glare of his ever watchful new wife…
"You're not happy John, are you?" Kem asked through her tears.
Carter, who stood facing out of the kitchen window turned to face his wife. He was terrified about what was about to happen. She had finally confronted him on the way he had been acting since they had returned to Africa after the honeymoon. Kem was concerned about the state of her husband, and she had full right to be. From the second they had got married she knew something was wrong with him, he was distant, cold even; and it hurt her. He took very little interest in her and their "romantic" moments were few and far between. For the first two months she had put it down to homesickness and gave him the benefit of the doubt. But now, a further three months on, he was still the same way – and perhaps made worse by the letter that had fallen onto their table merely hours ago.
"Don't tell me how I'm feeling…ok?" He replied, still staring out of the window.
Kem felt a tear run down her cheek she lifted her hand to wipe it away. She glanced at the letter sitting on the table top and she began to cry again. Kem leaned forward and lifted it up and in anger she began to shout.
"Is this what this is all about John!" She exclaimed.
Carter turned to face her.
"Excuse me?" He asked.
"This John" She replied, lifting the white envelope up to his eye level. "is this what all of this has been about?" She continued to shout.
"Kem, its an invitation." He stated in an all too matter of a fact tone of voice.
Kem glared at him. "I know that fine well John!"
"Then what the hell is all this about!" He shouted at her.
Kem stared at her feet as she continued to cry.
"You really don't get it do you?" She asked. Carter refused to reply.
"Do you know what its like to be with someone who you know is thinking of something, and someone else the entire time he is with you?" Kem asked.
Carter again refused to answer, instead he sighed to himself.
"I do, John" Kem continued. "And any time something comes up from home, or you hear from someone back in Chicago… you just….you get so distant that I don't even know where you're coming from and to be honest, I can't take it anymore John!" She shouted at him through tears.
Carter began to feel his eyes welling up with water.
"John? Please tell me what's going on" Kem begged.
Carter shook his head as he slowly began to cry.
"I don't know Kem, ok? I don't know anything about anything anymore!" He fought back and for the first time in months he was telling Kem the truth.
"Do you still want to be married?" Kem pleaded.
Carter looked around the room as he frantically rooted for an answer.
"Yes…I do want to be married." He replied, and he wasn't lying; but as he spoke these words his heart screamed out someone else's name.
Kem accepted his answer as she nodded her head. Carter turned around again and stared out of the window, anything to keep his gaze away from Kem's.
For several moments no one dared to speak until Kem broke the silence.
"Is this about Abby?" She asked with anger in her voice.
Carter groaned as he lifted his hands up in the air and as he threw them back down he turned to face Kem.
"Oh God! Here we go again! We cannot keep having this same conversation!" he shouted at her.
"Well what do you expect me to think huh?" She replied.
"You spend more money phoning her than you trying to build a home for us!"Kem shouted.
"Is this about money? Because, I'll give you money if it will shut you up!" He shouted back at her.
"Don't talk to me like that!" Kem said.
Carter sighed. "You're right, I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry about keeping in contact with Abby." He stated.
Kem glared at him.
"She's my best friend Kem!" He exclaimed.
"She is also your ex-girlfriend." Kem added under her breath, but still loud enough for Carter to have heard her.
Carter shook his head. "She's the only person I can talk to…" Carter began to speak.
Kem stopped dead in her tracks. "I'm your wife John! Last time I checked, that meant a lot!" She screamed at him.
Carter didn't bother with a response.
Frustrated Kem threw her hands in the air. "You know what John? Fine! Go to Chicago, go see Abby…because you and I both know you'd much rather be there with her than be here with me!" Kem yelled in anger.
Carter, fed up with fighting with Kem turned from the window and made his way out of the kitchen. He quickly ran to his bedroom and packed as much of his stuff as he could find. All the while Kem ran behind him, watching him.
As Carter made his way to the front door he turned and faced Kem.
"You happy now?" he asked her, but before she could answer he was out of the door and closed it behind him.
Carter stood on the other side of the door for a few minutes, wondering if Abby would mind him being in Chicago for a little bit longer than she had expected.
That night Carter went back to Abby's apartment and spoke nothing by way of his conversation with Susan. Abby retired to her bed early after an arduous day spent with Jake's family, listening to them go over every single detail of the wedding imaginable. She returned to her apartment to find Carter making something to eat, he told her he had spent the day walking around Chicago – taking in everything he could and remembering my favourite places and everything that had happened. He didn't tell her about his trip to County or his conversation with Susan – even though he knew he would have to tell her sooner or later.
Thanks.