Okay, I am SO sorry that this took so long. I was/am sick and I honestly had no idea what I was writing half the time. There is a scene with Derek and Addison that literally wrote itself, I read it the next day and only had a vague idea of how it happened. So I spent a lot of time rereading it and making sure that the thing makes sense, I am still taking medication so I am still iffy, but Steph says it's ok so if you are dying of confusion or if it's SO bad that you want to kill yourself, blame her (HAHA, don't really, she rocks). Oh and there really isn't a lot of Meredith in this chapter 'cause she is happy and that's just not interesting. Hopefully she will be back to her old self-deprecating, woe-is-me ways by the next chapter.

And this is for Jen cause I can barely go online without her asking for an update, and she is a schemer that one.

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Izzie

August 11th

Maybe falling apart wasn't the right word, chaos definitely wasn't the word. Babies were still being born and everything seemed to be running smoothly. But as Izzie looked around the neonatal ward she realized that something wasn't right. The confidence was gone. Nurses and doctors silently breathed prayers that Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd would return soon. She knew just about everything and could perform surgeries that they were all dying to learn.

And Izzie was tired. Addison had only been out a week, but it had been a week of giving vague replies about when she would return, where she was, and what she was doing. She was doing her best, but you can only hit your own page button so many times.

"Izzie." Izzie looked up to see Derek walking purposely towards her. "Come with me," he instructed leading her away by the elbow, "I need a favor," he told her closing the door to the locker room behind them.

"Sure," Izzie replied easily.

"I need you to move into the apartment with Addison for a few days. Maybe a week. I'm not really sure right now."

"Are you going somewhere?"

Derek was silent.

For the first time Izzie noticed his rumpled clothes, his red puffy eyes and the fact that he clearly had made no attempt shave. "Oh."

"It's just for a few days," Derek reiterated weakly, "She's having a hard time. She needs some space."

"Then maybe..." Izzie wasn't sure what to say, "I mean is it really a good idea for me to stay there then. If she wants to be alone."

Derek looked her directly in the eye, "I don't want her to be alone."

"You don't think that she'd..."

"No. No, that's not what I meant." Derek shook his head adamantly, "I just want someone there, in case. Just at night."

"Ok," Izzie agreed, "I'll go over tonight."

Derek nodded, "I had a key made this morning..." he said, reaching into his pocket and reluctantly handing her the key.

"Dr. Shepherd the Chief wants to see you," Nurse Debbie said poking her head in the door.

Izzie quickly slipped the key into her pocket.

"I'll be right there," Derek told the nurse.

"It will be ok," Izzie assured him.

"Okay," Derek muttered more to himself then to Izzie as he left.

"Hey," Tyler greeted her as he entered the locker room 5 minutes later, "You seen Meredith?"

"No."

"Hey, you ok?"

"Ya." Izzie sighed, "I just think that I might be getting in over my head."

XXXX

Derek

August 12th

He was going out of his mind. He paced back and forth, up and down the trailer. It was almost 11. I'll call her at 12, she had been staying up pretty late lately.

He went to the fridge and pulled out a beer. He had completely giving up alcohol when he found out Addison was pregnant. It made him feel more supportive if he gave up the little vices too, like the occasional beer and the coffee. But he was having a hard couple of days.

And for no real reason he suddenly hated the trailer. It had been almost a year since he had spent a night alone in it. He regretted spending so much time making Addison hate it. Once they moved out of it she had started to like it, and they had even spent most of their weekends in it once the nights warmed up in the spring.

11:17. It couldn't hurt to call her now.

Derek picked up his portable phone settled on the bed.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hey," Derek could hear her smiling through the phone.

"I miss you," he said honestly.

"I miss you too," she said sadly.

Silence.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

"Your sure?"

"Yes," she replied testily.

"Sorry," he apologized.

Silence.

"Izzie is here."

"I know. Do you mind?"

"No."

"I didn't want you to be all alone," he explained.

"I know," she replied.

Silence.

"What did you do all day?"

"I stayed in bed."

"All day?"

"Yes," she laughed a bit.

"Spoiled. That's what you are."

Silence.

"What did you do today."

"Worried. Worked a bit. But mostly worried."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"How can I not?"

"Just don't let yourself."

Silence.

"Did you want to go to bed?"

"I'm in bed," she joked.

"You know what I meant. Do you want me to go?"

"No."

"Good."

Silence.

"It's not forever Derek."

"I know."

"It's just for now."

"I know."

"I'm just tired. Of this. Of this whole damn thing."

Silence

"You should get some sleep."

"But..."

"Don't worry I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay."

"Okay."

XXXX

Addison

August 13th

"Addison. Addison. Addy, Sweetheart, wake up. Come on Lady. Wake up. Addison."

Addison shook herself out of the nightmare that had claimed her peaceful sleep. She could hear Derek calling her name, but the room was empty.

"Addy? Addy. Addison. It's okay. It's okay. Wake up, Love."

Addison picked up the phone that was resting on Derek's pillow. "Derek?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. We're fine. I'm just a little out of breath."

Derek smiled at the way she referred to herself and the baby. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

"I knew you wouldn't." Addison struggled slightly getting out of bed, one hand holding the phone to her ear the other trying support her weight as she maneuvered her expanding body out of bed.

"What are you doing?"

"I am going to go downstairs and make some hot chocolate." Addison replied as she put on her robe and left the bedroom.

"'Cause that's what you need, a sugar rush at 3 am. Besides you are suppose to be sticking to bland foods."

"You can't fight the cravings, Derek."

"There is some of that Lavender tea on the top shelf. Try that."

Addison stood on her tiptoes and reached for the tea, "You know I could tell you that I was having tea and really have hot chocolate."

"You wouldn't do that."

"No," Addison agreed, "I wouldn't."

Addison sat down at the kitchen table.

"God, I wish I was there with you now."

"I know. I do too. You understand don't you?"

"I don't know Addy. I do and I don't. I try, but..."

"You know I love you don't you?"

Derek was silent.

"Oh God, Derek. I love you so much. I love you both, so much."

"Addison?" Izzie blinked against the light as she entered the kitchen, "Are you okay?"

"Ya, Izzie I'm fine. I'm sorry I woke you."

"I thought that I heard..."

"Phone," Addison held up her portable.

"Oh, do you need anything?" Izzie yawned, "'Cause if not, I'm going back to sleep." Addison shook her head. "Night."

"Izzie?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," Addison smiled and poured her tea, "She wanted to know who been tying up the phone line for the last 5 hours."

XXXX

Meredith

August 14

"Hot or cold?"

"For what?" Meredith asked suspiciously. She was only half paying attention, mostly she was watching Webber... well she wasn't sure what he was doing, she had just wandered into the empty gallery, but it was really bloody.

"Just pick one."

Meredith shook her head, still unable to drag her eyes away from the blood bath, "I need more details. If it is coffee I want it hot, pizza cold."

"Okay, let's say I wanted to take you away for an undetermined amount of time. Would you rather go somewhere hot or somewhere cold?"

This got Meredith's attention, "You are taking me on a trip? For an undetermined amount of time?"

"No," Tyler replied.

"Then why..."

"Can't you just answer a simple question? Why do you always have to analysis every little thing to death? It's a simple question, hot or cold?"

Meredith stared him down, "Hot."

"I was hoping you would stay that. Parka's just don't have the same effect as a string bikini."

"A string bikini?" Meredith raised an eyebrow, "I am going to pretend you did not just say that."

"Hey your right, this resort has a nude beach." Tyler teased holding out a pamphlet.

"I thought you said we weren't going anywhere."

"We're not." Tyler replied revealing a handful of brochures for vacation destinations all over the world, "But that doesn't mean we can't plan. That way 50 years from now when we actually have money, we can just pick up and go."

"50 years? You want to plan a vacation together for 50 years from now."

"Hey, it could romantic. Our 75 year olds selves meeting on a romantic tropical island."

"Your insane." Meredith said, shaking her head, grinning, and turning back to the surgery.

"Fine, I'll go by myself, but you'll be sorry." Tyler turned to watch the surgery, "Okay now that's disgusting."

XXXX

Derek

August 15th

It had been 5 days. 5 entire days since he had seen his wife. He stood nervously outside his apartment door. He wasn't going to stay. He just wanted to know for himself that she was okay. She said she was fine, Izzie said that she was doing better, but he wasn't going to believe it until he saw her for himself.

He quietly let himself in the front door. The house was silent. He slowly walked up the stairs. Strangely he felt like he was intruding, that he was somewhere that he didn't belong and someone was watching him.

He walked in the open bedroom door and smiled. Addison lay in the middle of the bed fast asleep, hugging his pillow. He crossed the room and sat on the bed beside her. He sat and watched her for a moment, she did look better. She wasn't quite as pale. If it wasn't for the IV she would just look like she had a bad cold. Derek glanced around the room, his eyes stopping on the closed door to the nursery. She had piled a few laundry baskets in front of the door.

"Derek?" Addison said sleepily.

"Hey," Derek smiled at her, and cupped her cheek with his hand, "I just came to see how you are."

Addison sat up and put her arms around her husband, burying her face in his neck.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," she whispered, pulling away.

"Your sure?" he asked brushing some hair out of her face.

"Ya."

They sat silently for a moment, their hands clasped.

"Has he been kicking?" Derek asked finally.

Addison looked up in surprise, "What?" she asked softly.

Derek searched her eyes, "Can you feel him kicking?"

Inexplicably Addison's eye's filled with tears.

"Can you?" Derek pleaded.

Addison nodded.

"Where?"

Addison took a deep breath and placed Derek hand on the middle of her belly.

Derek's eye's lit up and filled with tears at the same time, "You never told me..."

"I know."

"Why?"

"I was protecting you."

"I don't need protecting! I should be the one protecting you,"

"But you can't." Addison pushed Derek's hand away and crossed her arms protectively, "If you knew, it would make it real Derek. You would have been... so happy. And I wouldn't... We would have gotten to attached and I can't go through having my heartbroken like that again."

"Addison look how far you have made it." Derek argued standing up, "Despite everything. The baby is healthy. He is going to be fine. We are going to have this baby. We are going to be a family."

"You have said that before Derek." Addison almost yelled standing to face her husband, "We both have. For years we have been saying that we would have a family. That we would have a baby. And we don't Derek. We won't. Maybe we should just except that fact that it will just be us. That we are not meant to be parents."

"What the hell are you saying Addison," Derek was well beyond angry, "Are you saying that you don't want this baby?"

"It doesn't matter what I want. We are fooling ourselves Derek. It's never going to happen."

"Yes it will!"

"No it won't!" Addison screamed, sitting back down on the bed, "No, it won't Derek." she said again with more control, "This never should have happened. I should have stayed in New York. I should have just sent you the divorce papers and let you move on with your life. I should have let you be happy."

"I am happy. How could I not be."

"It won't last, though. None of this," she sighed looking around her, "Who were we kidding."

Derek left 20 minutes later. Neither had said another word.

XXXX

Addison

August 16th

Addison wasn't sure that she could go on. She had forced herself to get out of bed that morning to prove to Izzie that she was okay, but it was taking every bit of will power that she had not to crawl back under the warm blankets.

She just kept replaying the fight with Derek. She was pretty sure that at least half of what she had said was lies, but she wasn't sure what half. So she had spent the morning, the afternoon and now the early evening pacing the apartment and hating herself. Mostly she hated herself for hurting Derek. He would never admit that she had hurt him, but she knew that she had. But mostly she hated herself for bringing all this pain into his life. All I have done for the past 10 years is hurt him. For the 30th time that day she found herself standing outside the door to the nursery.

Time to face the demons, she sighed as she stepped over the laundry and opened the door.

Everything was still perfect. Over the years not much had changed when it came to Derek and Addison's ideal nursery. When they first discussed having children both had wanted fancy nurseries completely covered in pink or blue, because of course the baby would comply to their colour scheme. But as they years progressed they began to think in terms of gender neutral, as long as it was healthy, colours. Green mostly. Eventually they just stopped talking about it at all.

But since neither one had completely given up hope, they had accumulated a lot of stuff. The bookcase was almost completely full of books for infants, toddler and preschoolers and even held some bound copies of Addison and Derek's childhood favorites.

On the walls were black and white pictures of family. Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. Grandparents. Derek and Addison the day they got married. A dozen pictures of smiling faces.

In the corner sat Derek rocking chair. It was his prized possession. His grandfather had made it when Derek was a small child and Derek liked to say that his earliest memories were of sitting in the chair with his grandfather listening to stories. And the blanket. It was always folded on the chair. Addison had made it herself years ago when the nesting instinct had gotten the better of her. The seams were crooked and it was impossible to fold it into a square, but she had made it to bring their baby home from the hospital in.

The crib was done in the linens and blankets that they had picked out together. And the trunk beside it was full of quilts and extra blankets that they had accumulated during various shopping trips. Things they had seen and had to have. Picked up on impulse, naively believing that they would be needed.

And in the corner of the crib sat the bear. Derek had given it to her the first time that she had found out she was pregnant.

Addison picked up the bear. It wasn't until she held it to her face that she realized that she was crying. And once she realized, she couldn't stop. Sobs consumed her entire body. She wasn't sure if she was mad or sad. She leaned against the wall and allowed her body to sink to the floor. She sat there sobbing until she could not cry anymore. She cried until her body was to exhausted to make anymore tears.

She sat motionless until she felt composed enough to lift her head. That's when she realized that at some point she hadn't been alone. The blanket was now draped around her shoulders and the door to the nursery which she had left open was now closed.

When she went downstairs an hour later Izzie never said a word.

XXXX

Derek

August 17th

Derek glanced around the semi darkness of the nursery, grateful that it was empty. If anyone realized how often in the last few week he had snuck in here, especially with Addison gone, well frankly he wasn't sure what they'd think.

Lately he found himself drawn to the same baby. A little boy. Derek didn't know the details of his situation, but he always went directly to his little incubator.

"Hey," Izzie greeted him entering the nursery. She saw him standing over the incubator and grinned, "Did Addison send you to check on him? I told her he was doing great but she never believes me."

"This is Addy's patient?"

"No, he was born after she left. But I told her about him a few days ago and she has been asking about him." Izzie joined him at the incubator.

"So he is going good?"

"Oh yeah," Izzie reached in and stroked the little guys hand, "He might be here for awhile, but he is doing good. The medication is working, his lungs are getting stronger, and there is no reason why he shouldn't make it."

Derek smiled sadly at the baby.

"You know, he was only 27 weeks," Izzie continued, "And we have excellent doctors. There is no reason..."

"I know Izzie." Derek cut her off.

"Addison could have the baby tomorrow and he could be perfect fine with a little help."

"Izzie I know." Derek clenched his fists, and continued to watch the infant sleep, "I know and Addison knows. That makes it harder. We have finally gotten to the point where everything could be okay, but we, she can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong. If we lost him now..." Derek ran his hand over his face trying to hold back tears, "I think she is giving up. She thinks it's only a matter of time..." he choked.

Izzie was silent.

"I can't loose them."

Derek locked eyes with Izzie.

She reached over and took his hand, "I'll take care of them. I promise."

"I know you will. I just, " Derek replied, tears started to fall unchecked down his face, "I just feel completely helpless."

Izzie hesitated only a moment before hugging him and just letting him cry.

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Okay, that was a long chapter n'est pas. Like these people are driving me crazy. I kinda just want to shake Addison a bit. Like I get it, (are you guys starting to get it? Why she is getting increasingly ... psycho?) but come on, if this was anyone else she would be totally confident that the baby was going to be fine 'cause, I mean, she is Addison Shepherd neonatologist (or whatever she is) extrodinaire. Why can't you apply this to your actual life Addison? Why? WHY?

She needs to snap out of the past, and soon or I am going to pull out the irony and kill her off. Muahahaha.

REVIEW OR THOU SHALT FEEL THE WRATH OF GOD UPON YOU! (and by God I mean me)