Chapter 9

That river was special to both of them and it was perhaps why they had both found themselves gravitating towards it in this extremely confusing time of their lives. That river was lined with over 100 identical benches, yet out of the hundred both Carter and Abby had a favourite. One they had spent many a lunch break on, one they had used on the hot summer days and the one that always seemed to be included in every important discussion they seemed to have had. It was perhaps for these reasons that by the time Abby had made it to her favourite spot in the city she found him resting on what was commonly known as "their bench". She paused, standing a few feet away from him and their bench. She couldn't bring herself to sit next to him. She needed to be alone, or at least away from him. He was what she had to think about.
Simultaneously, Carter sat on their bench and looked out to the river. His mind was running at a thousand miles per hour as he tried to work out what to do. He needed to talk to her and it was that which had brought him out to their bench. She always seemed to be there, whether he came down to the bench at 3 o clock in the morning in the middle of a graveyard shift or if he was their at 3 o clock in the afternoon with Kem. When he needed her she was there, sitting on their bench whether she knew it or not. After the baby died he had wanted to talk to her so badly but he couldn't bring himself to do it - for some reason he found himself embarrassed and couldn't face reaching out to her; even though it was what he needed the most. Instead he came down to the bench and spoke to her in his head. He allowed himself to think about everything that had been bothering him and everything that was going on in his life. In the end he was confident in his decision as he was so sure Abby had helped him through it. Yet in reality, had Abby had an input in his decision chances are it would have been a thousand times different.

She made her way towards the bench, tired of standing on her own, and sat down beside him. He took his eyes from the water and locked them with hers. For several minutes they remained like this – silent, sitting, contently looking at one another and for a while no one dared to break the silence. Everything that needed to be said didn't matter for those few minutes, both we're content in just being.

Before long their eyes lost focus and both their heads turned to face the river. Abby sighed.

"I just need to think…" She spoke quietly.

Carter nodded his head in both understanding and in agreement with what she had just said.

"Yeah…uhh me too." He sighed as he spoke.

"I would go some place else, but uhh…"
"Yeah, I know."

They both smiled at one another, though still not taking their eyes from the water and together they sat on their own – almost ignoring one another for what felt like hours.
Every now and again, when she popped into his mind, Carter found himself turn and look at Abby though she never returned his gaze. He did this more often than he realised – she always seemed to be on his mind; both here in Chicago and in Africa.

"Merci Amy" Carter spoke as best he could, although his American accent always seemed to come across.

"I speak English, Dr. Carter" She replied with a smirk.

Carter laughed a little as he shook his head. "Sorry, I'm not used to American patients any more"

She laughed quietly at him as he stood up. He pulled off the rubber gloves that had been on his hand for a long time and scrunched them up into a ball as he made his way from the patient's bed. As he tossed the gloves into the nearby trash can as his wife brushed by him.

"Hey" he smiled.

"Hey back" She smiled in return.

"Why are you treating her?" Kem asked, pointing in the direction of Amy, the American patient.

"Uh…I was told too" Carter said, confused. "She's American."

Kem nodded her head. "I know. She's been out her for a while – she and I came to be good friends while you were back in Chicago." Kem stated as she waved over to her.

"I'm going to go say hello" Kem said as she began to walk away from Carter.

Before she got too far away Carter leaned back and caught her arm and brought her back beside him.

"Could you tell Abby that I'll be back in about 20 minutes to dress her wound" Carter smiled, before leaning in to give Kem a parting kiss.

"Sure thing…and her name is Amy, John." Kem stated bluntly as she ignored his advance and walking away.

"What did I say?" Carter shouted back as she walked away.
"Abby…" Kem said through gritted teeth.

Carter's eyes stuck out like a cat caught in headlights as he laughed nervously before turning and leaving as quickly as he could.


It wasn't the first time he'd ever done that nor was it the first time he had done it in front of Kem. Once he hada full conversation with a woman, calling her Abby to her face when in reality her name was no where near Abby. She did, however, look a hell of a lot like Abby and for a while, before he had realised it wasn't Abby, Carter found himself chasing after her until of course, he realised that Abby would never come to Africa, and even if she did – why would she want to see him.

Her hair was completely windswept and her eyes were beginning to water. The intensity of her surroundings we're finally having their effect on her – the strangely bright Autumn sun shone onto the river and like a mirror, bounced straight back off it. Her breathing was slow and her face was sombre.
He sat beside her with the strong beams of sunlight casting shadows over his face. He could feel her next to him – he could feel her breathing and every time her eyes moved. He sighed and took in a deep breath.

She had been the rock in his life and though they both hit the bottom together they had worked their way back up again – or at least they thought they had. She was his shield, something to hide behind and block anything negative from back home. Maybe he put too much on her or, alternatively, not enough. It was a whirlwind and now it was a gentle breeze. The longer he spent with her the more real it became and in this case reality wasn't what he wanted – at least not with her; his hearts desire lay on the other side of the world.

The heart wants what it wants

He was her backup, her safety net or even her last chance. He was safe, reliable and most importantly – he was fun. He loved her but she had trouble feeling the same. There relationship always had an elephant in the room and when said elephant was finally in the mix he caught a short glimpse of what he was missing. She never looked at him in the way she looked at the other. She was so sure of herself – certain she was doing the right thing in getting married despite how wrong it felt.

The heart wants what it wants

Fate had brought them both to Country General and it was fate that they became friends; fate brought them together and tore them apart and it was fate that had brought them together, once and again, today on the river banks.

For the first time in too long she moved her head and turned to face him. She waited for his reaction and actually found herself smiling when he turned his head and looked at her. She nervously glanced away before returning her eyes to his.

"Can we go for a walk?" She asked quietly, in respect of the silence they just shared.

He smiled at her and gently nodded his head. They sat a while longer, both anxiously awaiting the others movement until he finally stood up. He stepped to the side until he stood before her and in reaching out his hand he pulled her up from the bench.

Once and again they were motionless, standing opposite one another – their eyes locked. Abby smiled at him before tilting her head.

"Come on" she still spoke quietly, almost as though she was afraid of anyone hearing her.

They walked side by side down a great length of the river bank barely speaking – only passing comments on their surroundings. They continued to walk like this for a while before Abby plucked up the courage to ask him something she'd been wanting to ask him since he arrived.

She took a deep breath before she spoke.
"What's going on with you and Kem?" She looked concerned.
Carter stopped and smiled, knowing that question would have came up at some point. He shook his head a little.

"Where do you want me to start?"

"How about the beginning?"

He sighed. "We uhh…I think we're falling apart…" He ran his hand through his hair and down to the back of his neck. "I know we're falling apart." He confirmed, solemnly nodding his head.

Abby stopped for a moment. "I'm sorry, John."

He smiled discretely in response to her calling him John. He loved hearing her call him by his first name more than anyone else - there was just something about the way she said it.

They continued to walk, not speaking for a while – Abby absorbing everything she had just heard.

"Why?" She asked, speaking softly.

Carter stopped and looked at Abby and instead of answering he merely smiled at her and subtly raised his eyebrows. Abby felt her self blush a little until she was over come with an odd sense of guilt.

"Me?" She raised her voice, though still speaking relatively quietly.

Carter smiled again and as he did he shrugged his shoulders.

Abby shook her head. "But I live here, and you're there, and it's…well it's impossible. Wha…why?" She spoke slowly as she stuttered it out.

Carter laughed to himself as he shook his head gently.

"She thinks I'm still in love with you…"Carter said very quietly, he waited for a moment to try and gage Abby's reaction but she didn't move; her eyes were fixed on the ground – almost as though she was refusing to look at him. When she didn't respond Carter continued.

"…pretty crazy huh?" He laughed very nervously.

Abby felt her eyes water but she pushed the tears back into her eyes as she raised her head and looked at him. She painfully smiled at him.

"Is it really?" She sighed.

Now it was his turn to avoid her and in doing so he turned and looked out onto the river beside them.

Abby stuck her neck out, trying to catch his eye.

"Hey! …look at me" She begged.

He breathed in and in doing so he turned back to Abby. He smiled gently at her and shrugged his shoulders.

Abby shook her head.

"You know…this could have all been sorted out a long time ago…but now, it uhh…" She spoke slowly, her voice breaking as she spoke.

"It what?" Carter added.

Abby shook her head violently.

"You're married"
"I know!" Carter shouted.

"…and I'm getting married…tomorrow!" Abby shouted back at him.

Carter smiled smugly and shook his head, almost laughing.

"John…tell me what you want" Abby spoke gently, sounding concerned.

Carter shook his head and smiled. "I want you" He spoke with a slight sense of confidence in his voice.

Disgusted, Abby laughed at him and as she went to speak she sighed.

"Well you could have had me a long time ago…but you didn't and uhh…you ran away and chose Kem" She spoke with an angry tone in her voice.

Carter was getting slightly angry with her.

"I didn't choose her!" He spoke loudly. "…we were having a baby" He added somewhat quieter.

Again, Abby laughed at him.

"Ohh that's right: John Carter – everyone's knight in shinning armour – here to save the day!" Abby replied sarcastically.

"…don't" Carter said quietly, almost embarrassed.

Abby sighed and with a lack of energy she gave up.

"You know what… I can't do this" She stated before turning her back and walking away from him, lifting her left arm in the air as a sign of defeat as she walked away.

"That's right Abby…walk away, it's what you're good at" Carter shouted after her.

She stopped and stood still for a moment before turning round and walking quickly back up to him.

"Don't make this about me" She said angrily.

"But it is about you!" He shouted at her, just as angry.

He grabbed her by the arm as he walked towards the railing lining the river. He brought her beside him as he leaned over and looked at the water.

"Look…I want to be with you…forever. I want the white picket fence, the Labrador, the SUV and the 2.4 kids. I want it all…and I want it with you" He said softly and most importantly – sincerely.

Abby, who had been watching the water pass below her, brought her head up and locked her eyes with Johns. She could feel her eyes watering up as he spoke and now she was on the verge of tears.

She swallowed. "What about Kem?"

Carter shrugged his shoulders sadly.

"I don't know. I thought I loved her…and in ways I guess I did, or I do…but uhh…" He stammered, trying his hardest to be honest with her but he knew talking about Kem wouldn't help him, or her.

He took in a deep breath and in doing so gained some confidence in his voice.

"Okay…I believe there's one person out there for everyone…ok? And sometimes you don't know a good thing till its gone, you know?"

"John…" Abby tried to interrupt.

Carter lifted his hand by way of telling her to let him finish speaking.

"I just…" He sighed

"It's always gonna be there isn't it?" he paused and looked at her. She tilted her head, waiting for him to continue.

"…you and me"

She smiled a littler and lowered her head before nodding gently.

"…and I guess I'm just tired of running from it." He smiled at her.

"I've spent the last two years trying to avoid it, going with Kem – the safer option and as much as I have tried…it's not the same." He finished.
Abby smiled to herself – thankful for his honest outburst and also, because of what he had said and despite her best intentions and her conscience she couldn't help but feel the same, and in spite of all of this she was unable to say a word.

She turned away from him and took her attention back to the river. She needed time to absorb everything he had said and everything she was feeling. Her head was slowly becoming more and more overwhelmed. Carter had brought himself closer to her as he leaned in and spoke.

"Abby…I love you" he said it so quiet that only she could hear him. Abby remained motionless; convincing Carter that she hadn't heard him at all. He felt his heart pounding in his chest as he waited for her to respond.

Abby felt a tiny tear roll down her cheek as she took a deep breath. Carter was growing more and more anxious all the time.

"Did you hear me?" He asked her, speaking at a normal volume.

She jumped when he spoke, catching her somewhat off guard and as she kept her head down she nodded. She could feel his eyes on her, begging her to talk to him – but she couldn't.

Another tear rolled down her face as she brought her head up, still not looking at him – allowing her eyes to look over his shoulder.

When she finally looked at him her face was water stained from the tears and before he could reach up and wipe them away she turned her head again.

"I can't do this…" She said quietly, almost as though she was afraid of him hearing her and before he had the chance to respond she had walked away, leaving him alone by the river watching after her.

I write - you review. Thanks guys )