Yep. It's me. This time I'm here with my friend who will remain anonnymous (sp?). We're writing our first Artemis Fowl story, basically what we say to each other to get them to laugh. Read and er...Review or we will have your head.

Disclaimer: We own Nothing! Not Artemis...Not Butler...you get the idea.

One day Artemis and Butler were skipping down the street (and holding hands) doing who knows what (or who...whoops not rated K anymore) Suddenly Butler got the strangest craving for a donut. Lucky for him there was a Tim Hortons nearby. Unlucky for him Artemis had no wish to enter the donut store.

Artemis turned the corner and began skipping the other way. Butler cast an aprehensive glance behind him at the Tim Hortons, whimpering as they left it.

Suddenly a creepy warehouse type building showed up. Artemis , scheming as usual, decided to go in the creepy warehouse type building to well...scheme. Butler missed Tim.

Wanting to get a donut Butler said, "Artemis...can we go back to Tim Hortons?"

Artemis turned to face him. "No," said he ," We need to scheme!"

Butler whimpered, then thought of an excuse. "But I really gotta goooo!"

"What do you mean gooo?"

Butler whimpered again.Then he began to do the potty dance.

Artemis snorted. "I told you to go before we left Fowl Manor!"

"But...Artemis! I gotta go really bad!"

Artemis sighed. "Fine. But don't be gone to long. We don't know when...I don't know. Something bad might happen."

Butler quickly loped back to the Tim Hortons. He wanted to hurry because he was being paid to protect Artemis. He opened the door to see only one fat guy at the counter. He sighed thinking that this would go really fast, but unknown to him the fat guy was really Moe! The fatman of the coffe shop! (Phantom of the Opera Parody we made up)

Butler got in line behind Moe! (DUN-DUN-DUN) Ahead of him he heard the murmerings between Moe and the Horton clerk (P.S. I'm high on caffinated soda a.k.a Pepsi!)

"Uhh...I'll have fourty custom donuts," Said Moe counting to fourty.

"Will all of those be different?" asked the Horton guy in his Horton shirt.

"Uhh...I guess...The first one has got to have white filling... Not too much... Exactly thirty ounces. Then the icing must be white ...a cotton shade of white...and the sprinkles gotta be chocolate...thirty sprinkes only, all only a half inch long."

Butler stared at Moe horrified as he slowly stated what he wanted. Butler was trapped in Tim Hortons, and if anything happened to Artemis he could not help.

Artemis tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for Butler to return. He had a feeling that his manservant/bodygaurd wasn't actually using the potty. He was probably getting a donut. Now what was taking him so long? Sure it was a fast foodish type restaurant, and usually they take forever, but forever isn't usually this long. Maybe he was behind some fat guy who wanted fourty donuts and was a picky, yet piggy eater...

Suddenly a man stepped in front of Artemis holding a gun. He lifted his gun and pionted it at Artemis's head, which surprisingly wasn't large even though he was a genius.

"What are you doing," Artemis inquired, even though he knew what was coming.

The man scoffed. "Why I'm going to shoot you!"

Artemis snorted. "You can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Butlers not here."

"...So?"

Artemis nearly slapped his forehead in frustration. "Butler has to intervine the shot."

"Why?"

"Because thats how the book goes you moron! We cannot defy what Eoin has written! That would almost be going against our very existence itself."

"...Huh?"

Artemis then finally slapped his forehead. "Just don't shoot until Butler gets here."

"Okay. How long will that be?"

"It depends on the person in front of him in the line, which he very obviously is getting a donut at that very Tim Hortons down the street."

"...Excuse me?"

Artemis could have banged his head on the wall nearby. "Never mind. Just wait for Butler."

"Okay."

"...And for my tenth donut I'll have A jelly roll! I like jelly rolls! My grandma gave me my very first jelly roll...It's a long story...let me tell you!" Moe exclaimed. "It all started..."

Butler shook his head in agony. Something could happen to Artemis. He could feel it. Something was happening now. He tapped Moe on the shoulder.

Moe turned. "How Rude of you!" He yelld at Butler, obviosly blind. What idiot would yell at a scary looking man? "Do not interrupt me when I'm talkin you rude man!" Moe turned back to Horton guy. "Now on my jelly roll...I want it to be grape jelly. Freshly squeezed..."

Butler was trying to keep calm. It would all pay off when he had that donut in grasp. He could only pray that his principle hadn't run into any trouble yet.

Artemis looked at a watch. Butler had been gone for a half an hour. How long would this be? Surly not much longer. Henoticed the gunman chewing something.

"What are you doing?" Artemis asked.

The gunman stared at him. "Who me?"

"Nooo...the flying lampost."

"Flying lampost! Where?"

"I was being sarcastic you fool."

"Oh...Okay...What's sarcastic?"

Artemis was about to run to the Tim Hortons, grab Butler, and leave the whole city behind. But then again he couldn't run there...he had no physical skill whatsoever...

Just then the gunman blew a pink bubble. So he was chewing gum. The gunman pulled out a stick of gum and held it to Artemis.

Artemis stared at the gum. "What do you want me to do about it?"

The gunman shook it. "Take it."

Artemis cast a weary glance over his shoulder. "I don't know...I really shouldn't."

"Come on. Who's gonna know?"

"But...what about Butler?"

"He won't find out. Come on."

Doing what no little kid should do when facing strangers or gunmen he took the gum. He ate it. Oh great, now he was choking on a stupid piece of gum. Where was Butler when you needed him?

"...Number Twenty-Nine should be a wheel. I want multicolored sprinkles. Only red, pink, blue, and green...wait ...make that lime green."

Butler looked at his watch. Maybe he should leave...No! He spent too much time waiting for that donut, and he wasn't going to give up now damn it! He was going to wait this through...No matter how long.

After about two seconds Artemis had been relieved of his gum that had been choking him. Luckily the gun man had known the heimlich manuever. Now they sat there throwing rocks into the street.

Suddenly the gunman asked , "Can I shoot you now?"

"Haven't we been through this before? Not till Butler gets here."

"Oh okay...do you have any cards?"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

"Number Thirty-Five has to be..."

Butler was keeping himself calm. But there was good news here. Moe was at thirty-five...Only five more to go. He was counting the seconds. Hopefully Artemis was safe.

"Got any fives?" Asked the gunman who was currently losing to Artemis at an exciting game of Go Fish! Wee!

Artemis shook his head gleefully. "No. Go Fish."

Suddenly he sensed something. Like someone was watching him. He looked up to see a small flicker of light. He cleared his throat. "Show yourself fairy." He said.

The gunman was confused as usual. "Wha'd you say? Fairies?"

Artemis ignored him and continued looking for the flicker again. Finaly the fairy unshielded themself and they revealed themself to be none other than Holly Short! OMG!

Artemis raised his eyebrow again.(My friend hates that. She thinks she's the only one who can do that. She a crazy fool) "What are you doing here Holly?"

"I have no idea. The author of this fanfic just randomly stuck me here."

"Oh."

"So...ummmm...what are you guys doing?"

"Well this gunman here, " Artemis indicated the gunman who waved ," tried to shoot me, but I told him that he couldn't because Butler wasn't here, and of course Butler has to intervine the shot because that's how Eoin Colfer writes it and we can't defy him, but the gunman didn't understand. Then he gave me gum and I started choking on it, but luckly he knew the heimlich maneuver, and I didn't die, and we threw rocks in the street, and then we started playing Go Fish, and then he asked for fives, and then I saw a flicker of light, and I said 'Show yourself fairy' and you showed up, and you said you were randomly put here and then you asked what we were doing, and then I said this entirely long and pointless sentence."

Holly looked confused. She decided to just say , "So uhhh...You said something about Go Fish. MInd if I join you?"

Artemis shrugged. "Sure, be my guest."

"...And Number Thirty-Seven is..."

Butler was so close now. He could almost taste the donut. Just three more orders for Moe and then the donut would be all his.

Artemis was losing. He could not believe it. Holly and the gunman combined were beating him! He had to cheat somehow...

Suddenly a random dude in a tuxedo started walking by. Artemis formed a plan. "Hey look," he exclaimed ," Isn't that Butler."

The gunman turned. "No! He can't come! I'm beating you!" Then the gunman turned and shot the dude, knocking him down. When the gunman wasn't looking Artemis took a few of his cards.

Artemis then turned to Holly. "Whoops. That wasn't Butler. You had better go heal him before he dies." Holly grumbled but soon got up and healed the man. While she was gone Artemis stole a few of her cards, thus putting him in the lead.

Holly returned and counted her cards. "Hey? Am I missing any cards?"

Artemis shook his head. "Nope. It's just your imagination."

Holly looked at him suspiciously but shrugged. "Okay, go on."

Artemis eyed her. "Do you have any threes?"

Holly was shocked! She had exactly three threes! She gave them all to Artemis and hung her head in despair. "D'Arvit."

"...Okay...Number Thirty-Nine..."

Butler was nearly dancing in glee. Who knew that a donut could make a man so happy? Then he heard some words from Moe...

"Wait...wat number was I on...?"

Butler was shocked. Then he prayed that Moee would miracusaly remember what number he was on. Butler was so close to the donut.

"...Crap I can't remember what number I'm on...I guess I'll have to start over..."

Butler was now seething. He suddenly yelled "Screw It!" and ran out of the Tim Hortons.

Moe stared at the spot where Butler had stood for over four hours. "What's his problem?"

Artemis, Holly, anf the gunman looked up. They could've sworn they heard a loud exclamation of the words Screw It. Artemis turned to Holly. "Am I crazy or did you hear 'Screw It' too."

Holly looked him. "Really? I thought I heard 'Screw you'."

Artemis stared at her mortified, "You want to...er...screw me?" (Woah! Definetly rated K right there)

Holly's eyes grew to the size of watermelons, and she smacked Artemis. She mockingly asked ,"Do you want some lollipops with that?" (I love that part in the first book XD) Artemis glared at her, when a shadow fell over him. He looked up to see a very angry looking Butler.

"How'd your trip to the potty go?" Artemis asked.

Butler glared at nothingness. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Holly looked up and waved. "Hi Butler."

Butler looked down at Holly. "Hi Holly." Then his eyes cast over the gunman. "Who's he?"

Artemis stood up. "Oh him? He's supposed to shoot me, but we were wait-" He never got to finish because as soon as he said the shoot thing Butler jumped on the gunman and began to pulverize him whilst yelling "Die!"

Holly and Artemis watched, and soon pulled out popcorn to eat while watching the quote: "show". Soon the gunman was nothing more than a pile of dust, so to speak.

Butler approached Artemis. "We should leave now." Artemis nodded. He turned. "Bye Holly." Holly waved. "By mysterious gunman.

The gunman coughed. "Shoot ya later." He was then kicked in the face by Butler as he and Artemis left. Soon Holly left, and the crippled gunman was alone, until he was stepped on by Moe who was passing by with his fourty donuts.

There was chapter one. More will be here soon. Please Review...Now!