Ok. So my guinea pig died yesterday. We don't know why, it was really random, but it will not stop me from updating……just delay me. So, here's the update.

Disclaimer: I own everything!...Not!

Everything was peacefully quiet. The moon was hidden only by one cloud, and everything slept, except for the raccoons which are nocturnal. Yay nocturnal! Anyway, everything was extremely quiet by Fowl Manor.

Then, as you guessed it, something ruined the peace. A loud trumpet sounded through the halls, really loudly. Artemis, who was asleep, screamed, before bumping his head on a ceiling panel, and slumping to the ground.

"OoOh, Itsssth time to milk da gold fishie." He muttered in his state of semi-consciousness.

That's when Butler walked in holding the trumpet, revealing that he was the trumpeter. Artemis rubbed his head before rising and looking at a clock.

"Butler its four A.M.! Explain yourself," Artemis yelled.

Butler snorted. "I told you last night that we were going to give you self defense classes."

"But I don't wanna!" Artemis said in the whiney voice of a two-year-old.

"Too bad, it's for your own good, so people like that gunman don't have you at gunpoint, or randomly take you anymore."

"Oh, fine," said Artemis, "But what was the trumpet for?"

"Well I thought that I should treat you like you were in boot camp, so-"

"What? Did you say boot camp?" interrupted Artemis.

"Yes…." Said Butler

"Now way! I can't wear boots," protested the rich boy, "They totally clash with my designer Armani Suit! I mean come on; most boots are brown, or midnight black. They are also too mountain Manish, and that does not go with pale black dress suits.

"There's such a color as pale black?" asked Butler, again dumbfounded.

"Duh! Everybody who's anybody knows that!"

"Whatever," Butler shrugged, "We need to start your self-defense classes." He then pulled out a whistle and blew really loudly.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" shouted Artemis Fowl Sr. from two stories up "STOP THAT DAMN NOISE, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"

Artemis shot Butler a ha-see-I-told-you-so-you-have-to-stop-because-my-dad-said-to-and-you-can't-disobey-him-because-he'll-dock-your-pay-so-that-takes-care-of-that grin.

Butler ignored it. "Ten-Hup! To the Gym! High knees! Let's March! NOW! Move it, move it, move it!"

Artemis tried to March, but in the end Butler picked him up and carried him to the gym, because Artemis has no physical skill whatsoever, and he was wasting valuable time trying.

When they finally got to the gym, (Which one needs a map to get there, because it's a Manor for Pete's sake) Butler put Artemis down in a standing position, and brushed the dust off of his shoulder. Artemis sneezed like a cat, sneezing, but it's like a really tiny little squeak.

"Okay," began Butler, "Let's say I was a bad guy, and I was going to shoot you. Your bodyguard is nowhere around, what do you do?"

"That's easy" said Artemis "I sit there and do nothing until you come."

"Uhh, Artemis, we're talking hypothetically, so I'm not coming."

Artemis laughed. "Of course you are silly! That's what my daddy pays you to do. And besides, I've been through this with the gunman before; nobody can touch me until you get there, because that would be defying Eoin Colfer. You wouldn't want to defy him now would you?"

Butler sighed. "Artemis, your changing the topic."

Artemis ignored him, for a thought just struck him in the head. "Hey, if nobody can touch me if you're not there, then if I got rid of you, nobody would be able to touch me at all."

Butler began to sweat. "Uhh," he fumbled, trying to come up with some excuse so he could keep his job, because he really needed to get paid somehow, "You… can't do… that."

"And why not?" said Artemis smirking, "Who's going to stop me?"

"You would be defying Eoin Colfer if you did that, because he made me be with you." Butler finally managed to come up with.

"Hmmmm, I guess you're right." Said Artemis. Somehow he would find a way so that he could defy Eoin Colfer and nobody else could.

"Ok, back to my question," said Butler, thankful that that moment was over, "The answer is you're supposed to duck. Ducking is an important thing because it helps you avoid things. It was invented back in B.C. by Crag a very noble cave man who-"

Artemis was not listening; instead he was watching a fly, which kept bumping into the light on the ceiling, and shocking itself. It amazed Artemis that any creature could actually be that stupid.

"-and so by the 1800's ducking was a very valuable and world renowned technique. So now we're going to practice it. Basically all you have to do is bend your knees and head for the ground, while placing your hands over your head." Butler finished.

"Okay," Artemis said. He was still staring at the fly bumping into the light, which was joined by an orange lady bug, which didn't bump into the light.

Butler snapped his fingers in Artemis's face. "Do you know what I just said?"

"Umm, something about squatting?" Artemis guessed. Butler slapped his forehead.

"Never mind," said Butler, "We'll just go straight to running; you need a lot of practice at that. You will always need the speed an endurance running gives you." Butler then got out his Swiss army knife and made two marks on the floor about 50 yards away.

"Ok, run from one mark to the other as fast as you can." Said Butler.

"What, just like that? Don't I get a fancy count down or something? I think I am worthy of a countdown and I want one so-"

"Onyourmarkgetsetgo!" Butler yelled really fast, because he was getting annoyed. Artemis began pumping his legs and moving his arms. Within moments he was sweating. Soon his lungs gasped for air. The oxygen just seemed to avoid him, and his legs felt like lead. He felt like he should just drop down dead.

3 Hours Later:

"Yes! I did it!" Artemis exclaimed. "I though I would never make it but I did!"

"Uhh….Artemis-"

"Wow! This is a new record for me! I only tripped 482 times!"

"Artemis-"

"I mean really, how many 14-year-old boys can say they can run 50 yards in less than 4 hours? I'm not only a mental prodigy; I'm a physical prodigy too! Who would have guessed?"

"ARTEMIS!" Screeched Butler, trying to get the boy to shut up.

"What? You don't have to yell."

"Sorry to burst your bubble," said the bodyguard, "but you only ran 2 inches."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you-"

"GO ME!" Artemis yelled.

"That's not a good thing, That's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,-"

"Ok, I get it!" Snapped Artemis, "There's a lot of very's so get to the point."

"-very very pathetic." Finished Butler.

"….oh," said Artemis, his head drooping.

Just then you-know-who ran through the door…guess…guess…come on! You can do it!...guess…NO Not Michael Jackson! It's Moe!

"How'd you get here Moe?" asked Butler looking around to see if Harmonious Rose or that weird girl were nearby.

"I'm here to help the boy!" said Moe, "I know just the thing to make anybody exercise better!"

"Really? You know how to fix my sorry state?" asked Artemis.

"Nooo…..But I can make exercising more fun!" Yelled Moe pulling out a stereo, and an exercising band for his forehead. Moe pushed a button on the stereo, and music started playing.

"Let's get Physical! Physical! Let's get Physical! Physical!" sang and danced Moe, to that very annoying and stupid song.

"Not Again," said Butler, beginning to freak out, "Do what you want with me but not the boy! He's not even begun to drive, and he has a full life to live, please don't ruin it with the bad images!"

Artemis shrugged, and walked out of the gym, trying to go order somebody to feed him, since Butler was too preoccupied with his 'guest'. Just then Holly popped up, because she hasn't been in this chapter yet.

"Holly, feed me!" barked Artemis.

Holly shrugged. "What else have I got to do?" And with that the two made off for the kitchen, which was soon to be destroyed, because neither of them have any cooking skill whatsoever.

It was then that Harmonious Rose, and Waffler realized that if Moe didn't leave this chapter would have no ending, so Waffler grabbed a copy of one of the Artemis Fowl books, and ran up behind Moe and smacked him on the head.

Moe went unconscious, and fell to the ground, causing an earthquake.

Somewhere in Antarctica: A bunch of penguins were jumping around, when they felt a shudder in the Earth, like an earthquake was happening somewhere in the world. They shrugged and continued doing…..err…..whatever penguins do.

Back at Fowl Manor: After the monstrous earthquake, that knocked everybody but two people in the Northern Hemisphere unconscious, Harmonious Rose and Waffler drug away Moe's body, by getting help from a government agency from the Southern Hemisphere. Yay south!

Little did anybody know, but the earth quake disturbed something in the water, and it poured out of the kitchen sink and surrounded Artemis and Butler with a faint yellow glow……

Will Artemis ever be physically fit?

Will Butler ever join Mr. Sock Puppet again, or get a donut?

Will Holly ever have a role in this story that doesn't involve her looking like an idiot?

Will Waffler ever get another guinea pig?

Will Harmonious Rose ever get to say anything to Artemis, since she told me she wanted too?

Will Moe lose weight? (Of course not)

Will we ever reveal what happened to Butler and Artemis with the yellow water?

Will I ever stop asking stupid questions and let you review?

Review and you'll find out.