This chapter is named after the song "Trade Mistakes" by Panic! At the Disco.
Chapter 12: Trade Mistakes
The closer they got to Wakayama, the guiltier Inuyasha became.
He believed, truly believed, that he was doing the right thing, but his instincts...the instincts he'd trusted this whole time, were starting to waver.
And every night he spent with Kagome wrapped in his arms only made it worse.
He would inhale her scent as her head lay on his chest while she slept, and her body always felt so relaxed, so trusting, against his. It killed him; she had no idea what he was planning to do, had no idea that Inuyasha had been feeding her lies since they'd met.
The peace that had come over him since her birthday was still present in his heart, but the guilt and shame and dread of his deceit was slowly beginning to overpower it.
By that point, he felt like a walking piece of shit, lying to the woman he loved more than anything about a ploy he'd had throughout the entirety of their time together. Kagome was such a good person...Inuyasha knew she didn't deserve to be constantly lied to, even if it was just lying by omission most of the time. Regardless of how much Inuyasha's plan made sense in the beginning, as the days passed by, he wasn't so sure he couldn't keep it up now. He'd never expected to fall in love with her, of all things, but it had happened and he'd been powerless to stop it. Not that he wanted to anymore; all he wanted was to dive into Kagome, surround himself in the love she poured onto him from within her heart, and embrace it with every ounce of strength he had inside him.
And with all of those feelings, he was starting to think about the situation harder than before. If his plan with Naraku didn't work, and he couldn't stop Kagome from getting hurt, he didn't know what he would do. He didn't know how he could go back to a life without her.
It was starting to be too much.
They were a day away from Wakayama and Kagome was at his side, holding his hand and happily chattering about what they could do once the jewel was gone and Naraku would no longer be after her.
"We can stay longer in Higo if we decide to go there for hanami next year," she chirped. "We won't have to worry about staying in one place for too long. That'll be amazing, huh?"
Inuyasha grimaced at her excitement.
After the nightmare he'd had about Kagome's death...if his plan somehow didn't work, if he really couldn't protect Kagome from Naraku...
That's when he realized he couldn't do it anymore.
He stopped walking, tugging gently on Kagome's hand so she would pause, too.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
Inuyasha took a deep breath. "I...there's something I need to tell you."
Kagome came to stand in front of him, setting her hands on his cheeks.
"Are you not feeling well?" she asked as she felt his forehead. "You look a little pale."
Inuyasha bit his lip, letting his eyes close so she couldn't see the shame in them.
"I'm not sick," he replied. "I...I have a confession, but...it's not good."
Kagome's hands slid down to his shoulders.
"Okay," she said gently. "What is it? You can tell me anything." Inuyasha took a deep breath and opened his eyes.
"We're not...we're not on our way to see a sage who can get rid of the jewel."
Kagome frowned. "Oh. Then where are we going?"
Inuyasha wrapped his arms around her waist, not wanting her to try and leave before he finished explaining.
"There's something I haven't told you," he admitted. "I haven't been completely honest about Naraku. I already knew who he was before you and I met. He's the one who killed my parents. He wanted their power so he could usurp them to rule over all youkai."
Kagome's eyes widened. "So Naraku is the one who killed them?" She moved one hand back up to his cheek. "I'm so sorry. I wish it weren't something we had in common, but at least we have each other." She smiled kindly. "But why wouldn't you have told me sooner? I could've tried to help you feel better."
Inuyasha grimaced. "Because...you and I are the opposite when it comes to Naraku. You're trying to run away from him."
Kagome nodded. "Right, but that's what we've been doing since…" Realization seemed to dawn on her. "Wait, you and I are opposites? So are you trying to say that you're running toward him?"
Inuyasha winced. "Yes. I want revenge against him."
"Why do I feel like this isn't the worst part?" Kagome asked. "Just tell me, Inuyasha. You're scaring me."
"I saw you and Kagura in the forest the day after we met," he admitted. "I saw you fight her off after she said that Naraku wanted something from you. I didn't know what it was back then, but I figured that if we traveled together, we could lure Naraku out with what he wants from you...which now I know is the jewel."
Kagome's eyes widened. "So you're using me as bait? Even though I told you that Naraku wants to kill me?" She pulled out of his embrace, her face pinching into a glare as she looked at him.
"I'll kill him before he does anything to you," Inuyasha countered, trying to hide any fear or doubt.
Kagome's eyes flashed, and a look of anger unlike anything he'd seen from her became the prominent glint in her gaze.
"I can't believe this," Kagome jeered. "Maybe you can kill him with Tessaiga, but that won't matter. He'll still get me first. I'm his target. He wants the jewel! And if he gets the jewel from me, I'll die."
Inuyasha frowned. "What do you mean? So what if he gets the jewel from you? I'll kill him before he can do anything with it!"
Kagome looked at him hopelessly. "Don't you think it's strange that you've never seen the jewel?"
Inuyasha paused. He'd never thought about it, but...it was true.
"I...I guess," he replied.
Kagome glared at him. "It's because the jewel is inside of me. If Naraku cuts it out, something that's so deep in my body, I'll die."
Inuyasha's eyes widened. "But...I thought-"
"No, you didn't," she replied. "You didn't think. This whole time, you've been baiting me, planning to betray me, making me fall in love with you and acting like you feel the same way for me."
"I do feel the same way," Inuyasha retorted. "You know that. I love you more than anything in this world, Kagome."
"No, you don't," Kagome argued. "There's one thing you love more than me. Revenge. Revenge against Naraku." She let out a shaky breath. "The worst part is that what you did hurts more than what I know Naraku will do to me. You set me up to get killed by him!"
She scoffed. "Remember when that match burned me? And you said 'oh, it's not the match that burns you; it's the flame.' Well, Inuyasha, you've just proven that I was right and you were wrong. It turns out that you are the match and Naraku is the flame. This time I was burned by you, by the match, not the flame. How could you do this to me? You're leading me straight to my death."
Inuyasha tried to reach for her. "So let's run. We'll leave now and just stay in hiding."
Kagome moved away from him. "I'm leaving. By myself." She looked away from him. "There is one thing you were right about, though. Love is a weakness. I wanted to show you that it can be a strength, but now...now I'm not so sure."
She turned to leave, but Inuyasha took her hand before she could walk away.
"Please," he begged, his voice desperate in a way he'd never heard before. "Kagome, please don't leave. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to earn your forgiveness."
Kagome shook her head. "It's not my forgiveness. It's my trust."
"Look at me," Inuyasha pleaded. Kagome was still for a moment before she finally turned around.
Inuyasha's heart broke at the unbridled, betrayed look on her face.
"I can't ever put into words how sorry I am," he began, gently tugging on her hand to pull her closer. "But now...after everything we've been through, I could never go through with it. You're the love of my life, Kagome. I did want revenge. That was my focus, my goal in life."
He slowly, hesitantly, wrapped his arms around her waist. "But that's not my focus anymore. You are. I could never...I could never want anything as much as I want you. That's why I'm telling you the truth now, before we find Naraku."
Kagome looked up at him, and he could see the conflict in her eyes.
"Inuyasha…"
"Please," he cut in. "Please stay with me."
O.o.O.o.O
Inuyasha's eyes were sadder than she'd ever seen.
The pain she saw...she knew it was genuine. She knew it was real.
But he was using me as bait for Naraku, of all people. He knows I've been running from him for years, and Inuyasha was going to lead me right to him.
She'd never felt so betrayed.
It was even worse knowing that it was the man she loved of all people who had put her in a position so difficult and so dangerous...had Inuyasha not told her before they reached Naraku, Kagome knew without a doubt that she would have been killed.
She'd been thisclose to death.
And if that had happened, it would have been Inuyasha's fault.
The thought made her knees weak, and not in the way they usually did when Inuyasha was involved. Her heart was racing as she caught up with everything he was saying.
She saw everything starting to horrifyingly click in his mind, and as she explained the presence of the jewel in her body, she could tell he was realizing just how close to real and true danger he'd almost brought her to with Naraku. She'd never seen such an intense guilty glint in his eye, but she'd still seen small bits of the glint before. Now she understood why. He really had been lying to her from the start.
His eyes bore into hers, the guilty glint mixing with insurmountable sadness, begging her to stay, to not leave him.
She looked away, trying to figure out what to do.
It was too much at once.
"I need a minute," she finally said, looking away from him. "Just...leave me alone for a little while."
Before he could respond, Kagome stalked off in the opposite direction, walking for a few minutes before she felt she put a good bit of distance between them but not far enough that he couldn't easily catch her scent.
Once she was alone, she heaved a sigh and sat down against a tree. Leaning her head back against the trunk, she closed her eyes and tried to relax her mind after the bomb Inuyasha had just dropped on her.
Sitting there like that, with her back against the tree, suddenly transported her back in time to just a few months earlier.
She recalled falling asleep against a tree trunk just like the one she was leaning against now, but a warm body atop her, scattered sakura blossoms, and a hair comb running through silver locks were missing. The night of hanami burst into her mind, and she grimaced at the now bittersweet memory.
A lot had changed since then. She and Inuyasha had been through so much together, and she loved him more than she'd ever thought she was even capable of loving someone.
But after what he'd just told her, she found herself really letting the truth sink in. Everything was different now. It wasn't the night of hanami. The sakura blossoms weren't scattered throughout the wind and ground and her hair comb was buried in her bag where she'd left it with Inuyasha.
Kagome tried to hold back her tears, hating even the thought of crying. She sniffled and managed to keep any drops from falling, instead closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths.
I should leave, she mused. After this, there's no way I can ever trust him again.
The thought of leaving him sent pangs of hurt throughout her body; she was in too deep with him. She'd fallen in love with him to the point of no return.
Could she do it, though? Could she push all that aside and actually leave him?
Sighing, she opened her eyes and bit at her thumbnail, mulling over what her next step should be.
He's always wanted revenge...he said he's been by himself for fifteen years, so that must be how long he's been after Naraku. Would I have done the same if I were as desperate as he is? No...I wouldn't have, but Inuyasha and I are different people. And he's telling me now before we reach Naraku, so…this doesn't excuse anything, but he's still Inuyasha. He's still him. He's still the man I love.
Kagome cursed softly. "How did he manage to put me in this position? Of all things…"
His aura flared softly from nearby, and she could tell he was alerting her that he was approaching.
Frowning, Kagome stood up and waited for him to come into her line of sight.
When he did, the guilty expression was still heavy on his face.
"I brought your bag," he said quietly. "I wasn't sure if you would...go back there or…" He trailed off, and Kagome could see how obviously terrified he was of her potentially leaving him.
But she knew she couldn't.
Kagome finally took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes at him.
"I'm so mad at you," she began. "I'm madder than I've ever been in my life." She sighed. "But...I won't leave. I'll stay."
Inuyasha breathed a sigh of relief and went to pull her closer in a hug, but Kagome stepped away.
"Don't touch me," she ordered. "We're going to sit down right here and you're going to tell me everything you've been hiding." Inuyasha nodded.
Kagome settled herself on the ground, looking at Inuyasha expectantly as he sat across from her. He didn't try to touch her again, but she could tell he wanted to.
He set his hands on his knees and clenched them into fists as he took a deep breath and began to explain everything to her.
Kagome's eyes widened as he spoke about Naraku killing his family and nearly killing Inuyasha and his half-brother. There was a pain in Inuyasha's voice as he explained finding his parents slain.
The last thing his father had done was deliver what he'd thought was a finishing blow to Naraku, but it only wounded him. It was enough to drive Naraku away, but the deceased Inu no Taisho and Inuyasha's mother didn't survive the battle.
It was only the wound inflicted by him, warding off Naraku, that had saved Inuyasha and his half-brother.
"Sesshomaru has a sword that can revive the dead," Inuyasha explained in a tight voice. "But...he couldn't revive my parents. They'd lost too much blood from the wounds Naraku had inflicted on them, so their bodies couldn't sustain them if they'd been brought back."
Kagome finally reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently.
"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "Is there anything else I need to know?"
Inuyasha hesitated. "Well...Miroku lied about the sage in Wakayama. There...there isn't one. That's where he thinks Naraku might be located."
Kagome wanted to yell at him. She wanted to just... scream.
But she kept calm. She took a deep breath.
"Miroku is gonna get an earful from me," she muttered. "But...I'm not as mad at him as I am at you."
"I'm mad at myself, too," Inuyasha replied. "I just...I need you to understand why I did what I did. You've changed me, Kagome. You are what I love most. Please believe me on that. Everything started to change when I met you."
She was dying to believe him, but she had to know…
"I'm going to ask you a question," she said slowly. "And I need you to answer it honestly."
"Okay," Inuyasha replied.
Kagome looked into his eyes, wanting to see the sincerity in them, or lack thereof.
"If you had the opportunity to go after Naraku right now," she began, "would you?"
"No," he replied immediately. "I want to get rid of the jewel you have and then...I don't know."
"I want Naraku to be defeated," Kagome admitted. "But I want to fight alongside you. If we get rid of the jewel, we'll go after him together. But right now, I'm too much of a target."
Inuyasha nodded. "I understand. The last thing I want is to put you in danger."
Kagome looked at him a moment more before finally nodding and pulling her hand away from his.
"Alright," she said. "Then...that's settled." She frowned. "But don't ever lie to me again, no matter how bad it is."
"I won't," Inuyasha replied. "I swear." He paused for a moment. "This isn't the right time to ask, but...do you know why Naraku wants the jewel?"
Kagome seemed annoyed by the question, but she didn't hesitate to answer.
"Naraku says he has an enemy," Kagome explained. "He's never said who, but he'll always talk about taking what is his or 'finishing the job.' I don't know what any of it means. He needs the jewel to make him stronger, otherwise he can't do it."
She watched the words run through Inuyasha's mind as he reflected on the information.
Suddenly, he looked up at her with wide eyes.
"Finishing the job," he repeated. "It's...my brother. My brother and me. Naraku wants the jewel to defeat us."
O.o.O.o.O
Everything suddenly made sense. Kagome had filled in the pieces, and everything was finally starting to make sense in a terrifyingly visceral way.
Kagome's eyes widened. "What? Why would you think that?"
Inuyasha shook his head. "He killed our father and my mother. He would have killed Sesshomaru and I, too, if my father hadn't used the last bit of his power to injure Naraku. That's the only reason Sesshomaru and I weren't killed that day."
He took a deep breath. "I guess...Naraku is still after that power."
"He needs me first, I suppose," Kagome said gently. "To get the jewel. Then he'd seek out you and your brother."
Inuyasha looked at her.
It's selfish of me to beg her to stay by my side...with the two of us together, I think we're an even bigger target.
"We should go our separate ways," Inuyasha finally said.
Kagome's eyes widened. "What? You just begged me to stay with you!"
Inuyasha looked away. "That was before...listen, Kagome, if we stay together, we make a much bigger target than we do if we're apart. I'll go on and find Naraku up ahead and kill him. Then...then you'll be safe."
"No," Kagome said adamantly.
Inuyasha's eyes widened at her tone.
"Why not?" he asked. "You were the one who wanted to leave just a few minutes ago!"
Kagome huffed. "You're making this so difficult. If you're going after Naraku now, I'm going with you. I'm not going to leave because you want to face him by yourself."
"But the jewel-"
"Stop," Kagome interrupted. "Just stop."
"But I want to keep you safe," Inuyasha protested. Kagome softened and reached out to cup his cheeks in her hands.
"I want to keep you safe, too," she said. "We're better fighting together than we would be apart. Besides, I want revenge against Naraku just as much as you do. I'm not letting you do this alone. If you're going to find Naraku now, so am I. I would rather try to find someone who can actually help get rid of the jewel first, but...I'll be flexible."
Inuyasha opened his mouth to speak, but words evaded him.
I can't lose her...and I have this awful gut feeling that if we go against Naraku now, that's exactly what will happen.
"Do you feel ready for that?" he asked her. Kagome grimaced.
"Not as long as I have the jewel," she admitted. "But...my pride is taking over my logic." She half-smiled at him, causing Inuyasha to soften a bit.
"Then let's wait," he suggested quietly. "We'll look harder for someone who can help with the jewel."
Kagome nodded. "Okay."
Her thumbs rubbed against his cheeks where her palms were still lightly cupping his face.
"I love you," Inuyasha said.
Kagome leaned forward and kissed him for a moment before pulling away.
"I love you, too. But I'm still mad at you." She half-smiled. "Will you tell me everything now? What happened with Naraku and your parents?"
Inuyasha took a deep breath and nodded.
"A little over fifteen years ago, Naraku attacked the youkai castle…"
O.o.O.o.O
Later that night, Kagome was sleeping beside him where they'd decided to make a small camp for the night after he'd told her everything that had happened since the day Naraku killed his parents.
Inuyasha remained in a seated position, stoking the fire every few moments as he thought about the day.
Everything has changed now, he realized. If we get rid of the jewel, there's no way I'll be able to lure Naraku out with it. I'll be right back at square one. It'll be nearly impossible to find him.
He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about the last fifteen years and how hard he'd worked for the sole purpose of defeating Naraku.
Then he glanced down at the woman sleeping beside him.
Her hair was smoothed back so her face was bathed in the light of the fire. The anger that had been so prevalent on her face had disappeared in her slumber.
Inuyasha's heart clenched.
They'd backtracked for most of the day, just trying to put some distance between Naraku's supposed location and themselves.
Inuyasha never would have thought he'd be running in the opposite direction as Naraku, but…
He glanced at Kagome again and gently ran his fingers through her hair as she slept.
Things change.
o.O.o
The next day, Inuyasha felt like he was walking on eggshells.
Kagome had said good morning to him when she woke up, but she hadn't said anything other than that. Her attention was focused on finding berries to eat or running a comb through her hair.
She was acting like she wasn't mad at him, which annoyed him. He would rather she just yell at him again if she were mad instead of pretending like nothing had happened.
He knew he didn't really have a right to be annoyed, though, considering what he'd done, but…
Old habits die hard.
The more he thought about it, the more annoyed he'd become.
He lied, but Kagome lied, too.
She was going to leave me yesterday, he mused. Just like that.
He knew it wasn't fair to be bothered by that. He'd lied and used her for so long, and it would have only been his fault if she felt driven away.
But...knowing that she was still capable of leaving him despite everything…
It hurt.
The insecurity he'd slowly been tampering down and moving past was swirling around him again, taunting him, making him feel a pain that had been dwindling ever since he met Kagome.
So he just sat and stared at the fire, stewing silently.
"So do you have any ideas on what we should do next?" Kagome asked.
Inuyasha frowned, knowing and hating what he knew he needed to do.
"I have to go see my brother," Inuyasha finally said. "He needs to know what Naraku's plan is."
Kagome's eyes widened. "Is that safe? Aren't you a fugitive?"
Inuyasha growled. "Yeah, but what else am I supposed to do?"
"Calm down," Kagome soothed. "I'm just worried about you. How do youkai issues like this work? Will Sesshomaru just throw you right into prison?"
Inuyasha looked away. "I don't know. Maybe. Probably." He took a deep breath. "I'm hoping he'll hear me out."
"I'll go with you," Kagome offered. Inuyasha immediately shook his head.
"That would make it worse," he replied. "Humans aren't allowed in the castle. My mother was...an unusual exception." He grimaced at the memories of the dirty looks youkai would send him and his mother when they would roam the castle without his father walking with them.
He stifled a shiver. They weren't pleasant memories, and he refused to put Kagome through the same thing.
"Hey," Kagome said gently, setting a hand on his arm. "You still with me?"
Inuyasha shook himself from the dark memories.
"Yeah, sorry," he replied gruffly. "Anyway, I'll have to do this alone."
Kagome sighed. "That's our next destination then."
Inuyasha didn't respond; instead, he just nodded and stared into the fire.
"Is...something else bothering you?" Kagome asked.
Inuyasha shook his head.
Kagome was quiet for a moment before she moved closer to him.
"I know you well enough by now," she began, "to know when something is wrong. What's going on?"
"It's nothing," Inuyasha replied. "I just…" He trailed off, not wanting to say it, especially after how he'd barely managed to keep her by his side the night before.
"It'll be weird to go back to the castle," he admitted, not wanting to admit the rest. "But it's what I need to do."
Kagome eyed him. "Okay...is that it?"
Inuyasha nodded curtly.
"Alright," Kagome conceded. He could tell she didn't quite believe him, but she didn't push him for an answer. "Then let's set out soon."
Inuyasha nodded his agreement and went back to looking at the fire in front of them.
O.o.O.o.O
Something was off with Inuyasha.
And it kind of annoyed Kagome.
If anyone should be extra quiet, it should be her. The man she loved had been intent on betraying her, and although he realized he couldn't go through with it, she was still hurt.
But she didn't want to linger on that. She wanted to keep moving forward with him because above all, she loved him and she knew he was a good person.
If she could do that, Inuyasha could, too.
So what's his problem?
It was a quiet day of traveling until they decided to stop for the night.
Inuyasha got a fire started and began to cook a deer he'd caught.
He'd sat down across from her, farther than usual, and that only set her on edge even more.
"Inuyasha," she began, "are you okay?"
"Yep," he replied curtly.
Kagome frowned and got up to sit beside him.
"Will you just talk to me?" Kagome asked, more than a little frustrated. "What's wrong?"
Inuyasha shook his head. "Nothing." The tone of his voice made her pause; somehow, she just knew whatever was bothering him wasn't something she should take lightly.
"Come on now," Kagome chided, gentling her tone as she reached out to take his hand. She gave it a quick squeeze and smiled at him. "You know I know you better than that. Something's bothering you."
Inuyasha glanced down at their hands before looking away.
"You were gonna leave," he said flatly.
Kagome frowned. "Leave where?" Inuyasha grimaced.
"Leave...me." He glanced at her. "Yesterday. When I told you the truth. You were gonna leave until I stopped you."
Realization seemed to dawn on Kagome.
"Oh," she replied sheepishly. "Well...can you blame me? I was mad and hurt. But I would have come back to you. I wouldn't have been able to stay away."
"Really?" he asked. Kagome smiled and nodded.
"Really," she promised.
"Are you...are you still mad?" he asked cautiously. "And hurt?"
Kagome sighed. "I'm not as mad as I was because I understand why you did it. But...I still am kind of hurt." At Inuyasha's grimace, Kagome sighed.
"I'm not saying that to try and make you feel guilty," she continued. "It's just hard for me to not be hurt right now. You finally gave in to us starting a real relationship even though you had this whole elaborate lie. That was hard to take in."
"I'm sorry," he murmured. Kagome shook her head.
"I know," she replied. They fell into a silence, and Inuyasha knew his apologies weren't enough. Maybe for her, but not for himself.
"Kagome," he began, "The reason I hesitated so long to even admit how I felt about you in the first place was because I was scared, like I said, but it was also the guilt about lying to you. What I was doing was eating me alive. It's only been killing me more since that day in the forest by Miroku's village when we finally became...more. So when you said yesterday that you thought I was pretending...I promise I never would have pretended to fall in love with you just to take advantage of you."
Kagome's eyes widened. "I forgot I said that." She reached out to gently take his cheeks in her hands, tenderly pulling him closer and setting her forehead against his.
"I know, Inuyasha," she replied. "I know you wouldn't. I shouldn't have accused you of that. It was just…I was emotional and..." she trailed off, but Inuyasha understood.
"I know," he echoed. "I just wanted you to know."
"I do," she soothed. "I promise." She sighed. "That being said, it's still going to take me a little while to not feel hurt, but it'll go away. Don't worry, alright?"
A pang of guilt shot through Inuyasha as he looked at her with wide eyes.
"How...how are you like this?" Inuyasha asked incredulously.
Kagome frowned. "Like what?"
Inuyasha shook his head. "Just...you're so kind, Kagome. I don't deserve any of your kindness."
"Stop it," Kagome chided lightly, gently squeezing his cheeks. "You deserve all goodness, Inuyasha. I'm sorry I said I was going to leave. I would've been going back on my promise and...I would've hurt both of us." She smiled. "Thanks for not letting me go."
Inuyasha scoffed quietly and pulled her into his arms. "As if I ever could."
To be continued...