In The A.M.
It's 3 a.m. and I cannot sleep because I am thinking of him.
My Zabuza-san. The first thing that comes to me at this time is physical attraction. That is because I am human and superficiality always comes first.
His eyes…so like mine. The first thing I ever noticed about him.
Then there's the obvious, his body. All sinewy muscles, and he hardly ever wears a shirt. Sometimes I wake up in my bed in the night, soaked with sweat over dreams and errant fantasies.
It's 4 a.m. and I am awake still.
Physicality isn't everything.
At times like this, I look upon the slightly deeper aspects of our strange relationship.
As he always says, I'm a weapon to be used at his disposal. This is true. But, I often wonder if his taking me in was not a completely compassionless act. Could he truly have known about my abilities at so young an age?
It is also true that I care deeply for him; possibly even love him. He is precious to me. And I yearn to know, does he have some shred of humanity in him that causes him to care for me? Am I precious to him? Could he even possibly…love me as I love him?
These are the questions my heart screams but my mouth will not ask.
It is 5 a.m. and I fear no sleep is coming tonight.
I fear this because at this time I am crying. Not only my eyes, but my soul is also crying. Crying out for trust, friendship…love. The small heart in me is breaking with love for my Zabuza-san, thinking, almost knowing, that he does not feel the same; or, if he does, he will almost certainly never admit to it.
At 6 a.m. I fall asleep; to once again dream of him, and awake to suffer silently by his side.
fin