Chapter 4: Lots of Long, Boring Explanations

Andy and Tedder were bickering again. Tedder was groaning about the hill they had to ride up, and Andy was going on about how Tedder needed to exercise more anyway.

"Ohh, I could be sitting under my tree right now, being lazy and perfectly content."

"Jesus, Tedder, this hill isn't that bad. Besides, how often does Jill come over to your house, and you never go over to hers?"

"Jill hasn't been at my house for a long time!"

"That's because you're too lazy! Like I said before, Jill actually likes being active."

"Well, she's an insane freak!"

"She's not a freak, even if she is a little insane."

"I win."

"What?"

"I win. I got you to admit that Jill's insane."

"Tedder, I'm not so stupid that it's taken me this long to figure out that Jill's insane. She only reminds us about three times a day."

"You have a point there."

"See? You don't win after all. I do."

"Now wait just a minute there, Andy! You haven't…"

They continued fighting with each other and didn't stop until they turned onto Jill's street. (Conversations between Andy and Tedder really do go just like this one. Oh, and by the way, that whole thing about me being insane is just an inside joke)

………………………………………………………………………………...

Adrienne had finished introducing herself, but she had left out a few of her names in order to save time. Unfortunately for her, Jill was about to take advantage of that.

"Well," she started. "I'm Shadow Kamedake Hasaka Gene Zeke Van Irvine…"

She continued to recite her many names while being chased in circles by an irate Adrienne, who was moving much faster than usual. Jill, however, was too quick for her, always bounding just out of Adie's reach. All the while, the man called Silk stood there, listened, and watched, completely dumbfounded, which was not something that happened very often.

Finally, after about 5 minutes, Jill finished with, "Guru, Messenger, and Master. And that was the abbreviated version."

"WHAT?" Adrienne and Silk said simultaneously.

"I still have about 100 more names or so," said Jill.

Silk, who was very confused, said, "You two are very strange, you know."

"We know," said Adrienne.

"I seem to recognize some of your names. In fact, I recognize so many of them that I'm surprised neither of you are claiming to be Polgara or Garion."

"Oh," said Jill. "That. Yes, well, umm, actually, she's Polgara and I'm Garion, but we decided to leave those particular names out so as not to confuse you."

"Too late. I'm already more confused than I've ever been."

"Umm, well, uh, sorry about that."

"I don't understand. How can you be more than one person at the same time? It just doesn't make any sense."

"Actually," said Adie. "If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. You do exactly the same thing, though for entirely different reasons. You see, you do it to disguise yourself, but Jill and I do it for fun. Or, in Jill's case, to annoy people ("Hey!"). So really, us having multiple names is no different from you using Radek of Boktor or Ambar of Kotu."

Silk blinked for a few seconds then burst out laughing. "You two are even more strange than I thought!" He stopped laughing a few seconds later. "Alright," he said. "Seeing as you both have quite a few names, which ones should I use?"

"You can just call me Adrienne or Adie. Either one works."

"And you can call me Zakath." Jill got one of Adie's elbows in her ribs. "Oh, fine then. Call me Leto the second, or just Leto."

"Umm, may I point out that you don't really know that much about Leto?" Adie said.

"So? I personally really don't care. All I need to know is that Leto rules the universe."

"Yes, but then Leto dies."

"Everybody dies eventually." She paused, then, seeing the look on Adie's face, added, "You're not going to win this, you know. It's either going to be Leto II or Zakath of Mallorea. Your pick."

Adrienne sighed in resignation. "Fine, then. Have it your way, Leto."

Jill smiled. "See? I always win one way or the other."

"You most certainly do not!" Adie exclaimed. "I'm usually the one who wins the arguments and…" Adrienne's tirade was interrupted by Silk, who had seen this as a good time to intervene in the argument.

"Ah, girls, while this is all absolutely fascinating, I still need to ask a few more questions."

Adie and "Leto" stopped in the act of trying to push each other to the ground. In the heat (or excitement) of the argument, both of them had almost forgotten about the strange man standing there in the front yard.

Jill let go of Adrienne and took a few steps towards Silk. Adie, who had been leaning against Jill during their fight, was thrown off balance and fell forward, nearly landing flat on her face.

"Of course. What is it exactly that you wanted to know?" Jill asked, completely and totally oblivious to the nasty look Adrienne shot at her.

"Well," Silk started. "I know your names, but I still don't know exactly who you are, nor do I know what you are."

"Oh. Well, as to who we are, that changes with our names, but at the same time it doesn't. You see, no matter which name we choose, or you choose, we will always be the exact same to the people who know us, but we can completely alter the conceptions of those who don't really know us, hence changing exactly who we are in their eyes. By changing my name, I can become the greatest ruler ever known to man, or the sorriest excuse for a gunman alive. In this world, and to the people who know me, I will always be a short and blond teenager. No matter what name I use, that's what I'll be, and no matter what name Adie uses, she'll always be a complete and total idiot who is over-obsessive about her grades." Jill paused to catch her breath, then started again. "As for your second question, we're Americans."

"I'm assuming, of course, that you are human," Silk said.

"Of course we are. We're also high school students."

"And swimmers," Adie added.

"Don't forget geniuses," Jill said.

"You're also insane."

"This is true."

"And you're lazy."

"Also true."

"And I'm insane."

"Indeed you are."

"But not as crazy as you."

"I don't think anyone is."

"Neither do I."

"Don't forget. I'm perfect."

"Ah, yes. How could I leave that out?"

"Because you're an idiot."

"I am, aren't I?"

"Indeed."

Silk was stuck somewhere between amusement and total confusion. Things weren't going quite the way he had hoped.

"Fine. Let's go with an easier question," he said. "Where exactly are we?"

Jill and Adie looked at each other, then burst out laughing. When they saw the half-annoyed, half-confused look on Silk's face, they laughed even harder.

"Will you please just answer my question?" he asked in a pained voice.

"Sure," said Jill, still laughing. "But the answer won't help you any."

"Please just answer the question. Where are we?"

"As in what country?" Adie said.

"Yes."

"Alright. I'll tell you, but I doubt it's going to be of any help."

"Just tell me where I am!"

"You're in America. Or the United States of America, to be more precise."

Jill broke in. "Of course, seeing as America is such a large country, I doubt that knowing its name is going to help you much."

"What will help me, then?"

"At this point, probably nothing," Jill said.

Silk gave her a hard look, which, if you know anything about him, is a pretty scary thing.

"Well, if you're going to put it that way, I suppose I could tell you a bit more about where we are," she said.

"Wise decision," Silk replied.

While all this had been going on, Adrienne had doubled over in silent laughter. Jill, who had noticed this, was slowly inching towards an unsuspecting Adrienne, while giving Silk details about their location.

"You are in a galaxy called the Milky Way, in a small solar system, and on a planet whose official scientific name is Terris. The United States is located on the continent of North America, which is in both the Northern and Western hemispheres. The state you are in is called Pennsylvania, and it is in the Northeastern part of the U.S. There are three rivers, the Ohio, the Monongahela, and the Allegheny, that come together at a point. The city of Pittsburgh is built on the rivers, and is in southwestern PA. We are about 18 miles south of the city of Pittsburgh, and just north of here is a town called Bridgeville. You are standing outside of my house, 732 Wheatland Circle, in a residential community called Hunting Ridge, which is in a township called South Fayette, the Home of the Little Green Machine Marching Band. The high school is about 8 ½ miles over in that direction (she points)." There was a brief pause as Jill whacked Adie on the head ("Krunk!"). "And just in case all that wasn't enough for you, you are located at about 40-some° N, 80-some° W on the latitude and longitude world grid. Now, assuming that you didn't understand half of what I said, and you probably didn't, I'd say you're more or less screwed."

Silk stared at Jill in bewilderment. "You know, I hate to say it, but you're probably right. I've never heard of North America before, and the gods know I have no idea what the hell a solar system is." He paused thoughtfully, but was distracted by Adrienne, who was rhythmically hitting herself on the head with an idiotic smile. "Um, Leto, what's wrong with her?"

Jill turned to look at Adie. "Adrienne, no!" Jill ran over to Adie and pulled both of Adie's arms away from her head. She looked closely at her friend. "Adrienne?" she said.

"Who's Adrienne? And why are you holding my arms?"

"Oh, God, not now, Adie."

"You've been drinking again, haven't you?"

Jill rolled her eyes and looked over at Silk. "Sorry about this. She does it all the time. I'll have it fixed in about a minute."

"Oh, do you know this man, Jack? Why don't you introduce us?" Adie said.

Jill looked skyward in disgust, then proceeded to hit Adrienne on the head nine times. "Adrienne?" she said.

"Yes?"

"What on earth possessed you to do that!" Jill exploded.

"I dunno. I guess I just didn't fell like being Harry, that's all."

"You what!" Jill stared at Adie in disbelief, her mouth hanging slightly open. After a few seconds, she asked Adie in a low voice, "How can you even think about doing that at a time like this?"

"I dunno. La la la…" she started to dance around, continuing her la-la-ing (the really sad part is that she actually does do this quite often).

Jill looked darkly at her, then sighed in exasperation. Silk made it clear that he felt the same way by the look on his face.

Off in the distance, and getting closer, Jill heard voices.

"Why am I doing this? I'm lazy!"

"Shut up, Tedder!"

End of Chapter 4