Chapter 7: What The…!
Bruno's class was boring that day. Graduated cylinders suck, so does homework. Who really cares about percent error, anyway? Oh, by the way, I think it should be known that there is no Honors Chemistry class in the middle of the summer. Bruno is still on vacay, as are the students. Not to mention this story is supposed to be the summer after 9th grade and before 10th grade, and at S.F. you don't have Chem until 10th grade, so this whole section really makes absolutely no sense at all. I'd advise you to just ignore it completely (the section, not the chapter).
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Adrienne's sad puppy makes her look like an idiotic dork. You do know what a dork is, right? I should walk up to her and, "Hey, whale male genitalia." Nah, I'm just joking. Oh, yeah, the story. Heh heh. And now, back to your Cheese.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Wi not trei a holiday in Sweden this yér? See the loveli lakes. The wonderful telephone system. And mani interesting furry animals. Including the majestik moose. A moose once bit my sister… No, realli! She was karving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given her by Swenge, her brother-in-law, and Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist," "Fillings of Passion," "The Huge Molars of Hocst Hocdlink"…
WE APOLOGISE FOR THE FAULT IN THE SUBTITLES. THOSE RESPONSIBLE HAVE BEEN SACKED.
Mynd you, moose bytes kan be pretty nasti…
WE APOLOGISE AGAIN FOR THE FAULT IN THE SUBTITLES. THOSE RESPONSIBE FOR SACKING THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE JUST BEEN SACKED, HAVE BEEN SACKED.
(You may have noticed that this section has absolutely nothing to do with the story and involves some rather horrible spelling. Of course you might recognize it as the opening of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," an awesome movie in my opinion. Oh, well. I'll try to cut back on the randomness.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………
The wise Sir Bedeviere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow; Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Gallahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.
(More Monty Python. I love that movie, as you can probably tell.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Tim: There he is!
Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim: He is the rabbit.
Arthur: You silly sot! You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
Robin: You tit. I soiled my armor I was so scared.
Tim: look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Robin: Manky Scotch git!
Tim: I'm warning you…
Robin: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp… he can leap about… look at the bones!
Arthur: Go on, Bors, chop it's head off.
Bors: Right. Silly little beater. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Tim: Look!
(rabbit flies at Bors and kills him)
Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Tim: I warned you. I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you know all, don't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always tell them t…
Arthur: Oh, do shut up! Right, charge!
(knight charge. Lots of fighting. Rabbit wins.)
Arthur: Run away! Run away!
(they run away)
Arthur: Right. How many did we lose?
Lancelot: Gawain.
Gallahad: Ector.
Arthur: And Bors, that's five.
Gallahad: Three, sir.
Arthur: Three, three. Well, we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
Robin: Would it help to confuse it if we ran away some more?
Arthur: No. And go and change your armor.
Gallahad: Here. Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it make a mistake.
Arthur: Like what?
Gallahad: I don't know. Do we have bows?
Arthur: No.
Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! It is one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
(monks chanting and shuffling, then hand HHG to Arthur)
Arthur: How does it, umm, how does it work?
Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
Arthur: Consult the book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard: Armaments chapter two, verses 9 through 21.
Brother Gilbert: And Saint Etalot raised the hand grenade up on high saying, "Oh, Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou might blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and oats, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and…
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
Brother Gilbert: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three will be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, accepting thou shalt then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
Arthur: Right. (pulls out pin) One, two, five!
Gallahad: Three, sir!
Arthur: Three. (throws hand grenade. Bunny blows up.)
End of Chapter 7