Thanks to all of you for reading! Particular thanks to Oleander's One for her thoughtful edits. This chapter NSFW.
The Normandy was speeding through space, Joker nimbly avoiding anyone who might have an interest in chasing down the rogue ship. Shepard was still trying to wrap her mind around being a fugitive on a stolen ship, on the way to slip into forbidden space on a mission the Council, and her own Ambassador, thought was little better than a deluded fantasy … and she knew that if she was still struggling with it, the crew must be having an even harder time. They had all followed her out of personal loyalty and a belief that this was the right course, but the consequences would come down hard on each of them if they were caught, if she was wrong, or if the mission failed.
She had thought about it and worried about it and tried to plan until her head was spinning. Before she could think any further, she hit the comm button on her uniform, keying into Kaidan's line.
"Commander?" Just his familiar voice, his imagined smile, helped.
"You have a minute?"
There was a pause. "I … suppose."
"Report to my quarters?"
An even longer pause as he digested the possible implications of the order. "On my way, Commander."
With Kaidan on his way up, she was, if anything, more nervous than before, more uncertain of her motives and plans. What she wanted was not in the regs … but neither was this whole chase after Saren. They were all in uncharted territory right now. What was a bit more skating on thin ice?
She sat down in front of her monitor, which was tied in to Joker's screen, and she watched the blips on the radar that signified other ships. An asari was out there somewhere, and a human cargo freighter, but those would be left behind before too long, and there would be fewer and fewer ships as they came closer to their destination. It looked like Joker was in for a quiet night.
The door opened behind her, and she looked around as Kaidan came in. "Commander."
Shepard stood up, sighing. "You probably shouldn't call me that. I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform."
"Yeah, hell of a thing," he agreed. "We broke our oath to defend the Alliance … so we could keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship—if you want to get technical, we could throw in kidnapping." He shook his head. "We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest."
"I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing. If Udina had been willing to listen to reason, we'd be doing all this with his blessing … But I don't really believe me yet."
Kaidan reached for her hand. "If I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here." He looked down at their joined fingers and his tightened around hers … then he thought better of it and took his hand back. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If … things don't go well, I want you to know—well … I've enjoyed serving under you."
She had the sense that he was just as unsure how to proceed here as she was, as torn between wanting to be a good soldier and focus on the mission and wanting—everything else. She was the Commander here. If one of them were going to take that step, it would have to be her. "Kaidan."
"Commander."
"You stopped being a subordinate a long time ago."
He nodded. "You're right … Juniper."
Hearing her name fall so easily from his mouth made her shiver. It had been so long since anyone had used it, and no one ever in those rough, caressing tones of his. "In that case, perhaps I should point out that I haven't yet had the pleasure of you serving under me, and this might be the time to rectify that." She projected the confidence she had learned as a Commander, as a Spectre, but inside she was anything but, and it was a relief when her words and her play on his registered and he laughed.
"I walked right into that one, didn't I?" His eyes searched her face for signs of her certainty. "You know we could get drummed out of the service for fraternization."
"Would that be before or after the court martial for mutiny and grand theft and potentially treason?"
"You're right, I suppose bringing that up at our firing squad would be redundant."
"Now you're thinking." She smiled, pushing down her very real fear that her crew would suffer the consequences of her leadership. Hopefully Captain Anderson could keep them safe … or at least cushion the blow for them somehow, no matter what happened to her personally.
Kaidan took a long breath and let it out slowly. "You are right, Juniper. About everything. I've dragged my heels, wasted all this time, because of a rule that in the end doesn't seem to make a lot of difference. I think about losing you, and I … I can't stand it. To go into this fight not having … never having …"
"Kaidan." She stepped toward him, so close she could feel the heat from his body, his breath on her cheek. Remembering what had happened the last time they stood this close to one another, she reached up and turned off her uniform radio. If Joker needed something, he knew where to find her.
Smiling, Kaidan did the same. His eyes were dark and intense, almost heated. "No matter what we do here tonight, the galaxy will just keep going. Everything will move on its normal course—civilizations rise and fall, the Reapers come around again—but you and I … We are important right now."
Shepard found her hands pressed against his chest, his resting on her waist.
He continued, his voice rasping tenderly over the words. "This is what will never happen again, what we feel for each other right now. Us. Shepard—Juniper—you make me feel …" He shook his head, unable to find the right words. "Human," he finished at last.
"I can make you feel much more than that." She curved a hand around the back of his neck, urging his head down toward hers.
Their lips met, tentatively, softly, at first, but then their mouths opened and their tongues found each other and the passion they had tried for so long to deny for the sake of duty rose in them. When they broke apart to breathe, Shepard took his hand, tugging him toward the bed.
"Come here."
"Is that an order, Commander?" There was both a smile and a caress in his voice.
Shepard smiled, too. "Shut up and get over here."
"Careful, Shepard." He chuckled, following her, sliding his arms around her waist. "I might think that you're abusing your authority. Serious breach of protocol."
"What can I say? I'm trouble. Or so people keep telling me." She kissed him again, hungrily, and set to work on the top of his uniform. When it was on the floor, she pushed him back, pressing him against the wall, and set her lips to his ribcage, kissing her way up over his broad, muscular chest, her hands following the same path and then diverging to caress his back.
Kaidan kicked off his boots, losing a good inch of height in the process. Shepard smiled and did the same, restoring the more familiar height difference between them, and then went back into his waiting arms, kissing him again.
There seemed to be a tentativeness in his touch that bothered her, as if some part of him were still waiting for orders, or worrying about the breach in protocol, and Shepard leaned back to look him in the eye. "Kaidan."
For answer he cupped her cheek with one hand, his thumb caressing her jaw, waiting for her to speak.
"I don't want a pet, someone who snaps at my every command. That's … that's not what this is. You know that, right?"
He nodded. "I do. It's just … I want this, you, more than anything I can remember, and … Well." He smiled. "I do get used to following your orders."
Shepard smiled, too. "Then what do you want?"
"I …" She could see him fighting his natural reticence, his ingrained sense of duty and protocol and his innate chivalry. "I want to see you. All of you. And … your hair down. Is that all right?"
"Yes. Yes, it is." She stepped back, and Kaidan removed the rest of his clothes and lay down on her bed, watching her. Something about that dark gaze made her heart speed up. To the best of her knowledge, no one had ever watched her strip before, and this felt like … like taking Commander Shepard off entirely and becoming someone else. She liked the idea, but it was so new her hands were trembling as she unfastened her pants, sliding them off. Her underwear followed, and then her uniform top and the thin shirt she wore below it and her bra.
"Now the hair." Kaidan's voice was rough and it sent a shiver through her.
She could barely find the familiar pins that held up her hair, her fingers were shaking so badly. Finally she had the careful twist down, running her fingers through it to spread her dark hair out over her shoulders. Because she had put it up wet, it was twisted and bent, not smooth, but Kaidan's swift intake of breath indicated he didn't care about that. "Juniper."
Shepard crawled across the bed to him, their mouths meeting in a heated kiss as he put his arms around her and rolled them both over, pressing her back into the pillows. His skin was smooth and warm against hers, the faint rasp of his body hair adding a friction that made it feel even better. The kisses went on and on, Shepard losing track of where one ended and the other began other than the quick breaths she took between them.
Kaidan's hands were everywhere, knowing just where he wanted to touch her, so suddenly sure of himself in a sea of sensation. At last, he pressed her legs apart, his fingers finding her center, stroking lightly at first and then more firmly, and Shepard wasn't sure she was going to last much longer. Her own hands had been exploring, and now she took him in both of them, nudging him closer to where she needed him. He came willingly, and they both moaned at that first contact.
As he pressed fully inside her, Shepard wrapped her legs around his hips, holding him there. "Kaidan."
He nuzzled her neck. "Juniper." And then he moved, slowly, making each stroke last. Shepard rose up to meet him each time, the delicious tension building inside her, until neither of them could hold back any further, their rhythm speeding up on its own.
He cried out first, pressing hard against her, and that last bit of friction sent Shepard spinning over the edge, calling his name.
As their breathing slowly returned to normal, they shifted so that Kaidan was lying on his back, Shepard half on top of him with her head resting on his chest. Her hair was spread out over his skin, and she looked at that for a moment, bemused. It hardly seemed like her, this naked woman in bed with her hair down.
Beneath her, Kaidan chuckled softly.
"What?"
"I was just thinking—I can't decide if I'm kicking myself for wasting all this time when we could have been doing that, or glad that we didn't do it sooner because I would never have wanted to do anything else."
Shepard grinned. "Perfectly valid, either way you go."
Kaidan's warm hand traced her spine, up and down. Shepard shivered, drawing her leg up, the heat beginning to collect in her belly again and spread itself across her body. She could feel Kaidan stirring to life against her thigh. "Since you're here," she whispered, "seems like a shame not to take advantage of the time."
He smiled. "That's why they put you in charge; you always know what to do." His voice was roughening again, the tone so quiet and intimate that Shepard could forget where they were and what they were doing—it was just the two of them here, and they could be anywhere, as long as it had a bed. She shifted so that she lay fully on top of him, kissing him, his arms wrapping around her and holding her against him as if he would never let go, and then they did it all again, but more slowly, exploring and teasing and tasting and caressing.
When they finally fell asleep, it was late into the night … or so Shepard assumed. Her internal clock rarely failed her.
Nor did it fail her when the morning came. No matter how tired she was, how little sleep she'd had, somehow she always woke up at the same time. She lay there for a few minutes, hearing the steady rise and fall of Kaidan's breathing. She could get used to this, she thought.
But there was no time. She could tell by the feel of the ship beneath her that they were slowing; she would need to go up for a briefing in a little while.
Carefully, to avoid waking Kaidan, she slipped out of the bed. He sighed when she was gone, turning over into the warm place where her body had lain, and she left him sleeping there while she showered and dressed.
She twisted her hair back up with some reluctance, wondering when the next chance would be to take it down. But this was the way things were—this was the life she had chosen. If there were a future, she would have to learn to be both, to have both. Or, at least, she hoped she would.
Leaning against a table, she watched Kaidan sleep, admiring the strong lines of his nose and mouth, the well-defined muscles of his shoulders and chest.
He stirred, mumbling something, and rolled over. His eyes came open, searching for her immediately. Shepard was impressed that he seemed to go instantly from sleep to full alertness—one reason she woke up as early as she did was to make sure she kept her first-few-minutes grogginess to herself.
Kaidan sat up, his eyes on her. The smiles and jokes of the night before were gone—there was a seriousness in his face that said he, too, could tell they were nearing their destination.
"It's been a long time since I met a woman who—" he began, but was cut off by Joker from the bridge, his voice crackling out of the loudspeaker on Shepard's desk.
"Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay."
Shepard smiled. "Five minutes? Plenty of time to work out a little more stress." The last thing she was ready for this morning was serious talk. Either they would make it through this in plenty of time, or they wouldn't, in which case she wanted the last image of him in her mind to be naked in her bed, smiling.
Kaidan shook his head, a small smile touching just the corners of his mouth. "Joker's waiting for you on the bridge." The smile faded. "I swear, though, if anything happens to you … Take care of yourself, Shepard."
"I'll do my best." She got up and crossed to the bed, touching his cheek with her fingertips. "You're a sweetheart, Kaidan."
He caught her hands, kissing her fingertips. "There are no words for all the things you are, Juniper."
With a last look at him, she left the room. As the doors slid closed behind her, she was Commander Shepard again, with Juniper safely tucked away … but for the first time, that woman lived in someone else's heart, too, and that made a lot more difference than Shepard had ever imagined it would.