In the End

by the Raven of Roses

In the end, it doesn't even matter...all of the work you put into saving the world. Because in the end, the world was doomed anyway. And in the end, you will have helped to destroy it. And in the end...you couldn't be happier. ch 7 up

3. Dude, Where's my Planet?

8-21-05

"ZIM! YOUR STUPID ROBOT BROKE MY GS6!"

Zim dodged a flying robot and entered the sleeping quarters. Gaz hovered over a small electronic device that looked as though it had been broken in half. Her eyes glowed red as Zim approached, but she didn't attack him. Yet.

"Er...Gaz? Are you-"

"FIX IT OR DIE!" snarled Gaz, her voice overlaid with a deep, evil growl.

Zim cautiously took the GS6 away from her and retreated to the cockpit. Dib was there, but he ignored him. Zim had relative quiet as he set about repairing the gaming system.

Half an hour and six electrocutions later, Zim handed back the GS6. Gaz hugged it to her chest and fled, presumably to the storage area.

"She didn't kill you. Amazing," remarked Dib, not looking up from his laptop.

"I wasn't the one who broke that thing," Zim pointed out.

"True. Still, I've seen the guy next to the one who trips her get his head caved in." Dib typed something furiously and leaned closer to the screen.

"Really? I think I like that Neptunian even more."

"Great. You'd make a perfect couple," drawled Dib, squinting to read the encrypted message. "Oh. Shit."

"What is it, H-Dib?"

"We killed all the humans, right?"

"Of course." Zim stood behind Dib, attempting in vain to read the words on the screen.

"I think we missed a few." Dib's eyes widened. "Okay, we missed a LOT more than a few."

"Shit."

"Yeah. So I said a minute ago. What're we gonna do about it?"

Zim rested his hands on the back of Dib's chair. What were they going to do about the humans? The filthy monkeys should have been destroyed...what would it have been? A year ago? More than likely. There should be only a few stragglers left, but from the sound of Dib's voice, there had to be at least a few million around.

"I'm...not sure. We need to call a conference."

And he was gone, leaving Dib to his laptop.

A small, struggling ship limped its way along. Dents and cracks marred its shell, and its viewscreen was dark with dirt. There was barely any fuel left, and even less air. The ship drifted toward the two Irken cruisers, accompanied by a larger vessel of Vortian origin.

A small red distress beacon stuttered to life. The two Irken cruisers picked up on it and hesitantly allowed the ships to approach...

"What is this?"

Zim's arrogant question pretty well spoke for the entire group. They sat in the cockpit, cramped as they were, and in front of them was a tiny, crippled Irken cruiser and an ancient Vortian warship. Gaz cautiously opened a communication link.

"Zim?" crackled a dimly familiar voice. "Zim, is that your ship?"

Zim hurriedly moved to the mic. "Of COURSE, you pitiful scum. State your name, rank, and intentions. NOW!"

There was a loud rush of static, and something that sounded like "Skoo" crackled through.

"Zim, let me handle this." Gaz took over the communications, adjusting the link to its highest clarity. "We're sorry, but you need to repeat that. Your com link is badly damaged.

"You don't think we KNOW that?" huffed a different voice. "For YOUR information, we've been through an intergalactic battle."

"Fine, fine, just tell us who you are."

"Skoodge, Former Irken Invader; Tenn, also Former Irken Invader; and Vortian Prisoner #777. We need assistance badly, if you haven't noticed!"

"Of course we'll provide assistance immediately. Permission to dock our ships on the Vortian craft?" Gaz tapped the mic a few times to make sure it was still working.

"Yes, yes, so long as you can help us."

Zim and Tak's ships docked on the Vortian warship, along with the damaged Cruiser. Skoodge and Tenn abandoned the cruiser just as the last of the air ran out.

"So." Tenn held out a gloved hand. "Nice to meet you, Gaz. I'm Tenn."

"Hi. This is my brother, Dib." Gaz shook her hand and gestured to the human.

"Brother? But you-" Tenn started, but Gaz gave her a glare of death, and she changed subjects. "I've heard much about you, Dib. You destroyed the humans, correct?"

"Yeah. They didn't deserve to inhabit such a beautiful planet."

"The planet is beautiful. It's been renamed, hasn't it?"

"We decided to call it Terra," interjected Gaz.

"Lovely. It sounds much better than 'dirt.'" Tenn turned away from the two and addressed Zim and Tak. "Good to see you're both in good condition."

"I'm sorry about the thing with the SIR units," muttered Zim in a rare fit of remorse. "It wasn't my fault they switched the labels on the packages."

"Don't worry about it. I managed to recruit most of them and rewire them." Tenn grinned and snapped her fingers.

A stampede of SIR units, each a bit different from the rest, clambered into the room. They all surveyed the new creatures, determined them non-threatening, and stood at attention behind their mistress.

"I think they're much nicer than the normal SIRS," Tenn laughed. "They have personalities. Your SIRS should get along with them very well."

"Why are we exchanging these pleasantries?" huffed Tak. "We should be doing something more productive. Like repairing that ship."

"I'll go with you, Tak," offered Tenn. "It'll give us a chance to catch up on things."

"Fine, whatever. Let's just go."

Tak and Tenn headed off for the crippled vessel, leaving the others to resume introductions.

"Glad to meet you, Gaz," grinned Skoodge, bowing deeply. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you, too. This is-"

"You're an Irken too? You and Tenn?" Dib didn't bother to wait to be introduced. "How many of you are there?"

"I have no idea. Probably a few million. Most of them are always off-planet, though, so there might be more. You used to be Zim's enemy, right? So why are you working with him now?"

"I have my reasons."

Zim finally spoke. "Everyone, this is Vortian Prisoner number 777."

The Vortian smiled and nodded, every bit the old, wise teacher. "Just call me 777. I didn't much like my old name anyway. It's nice to meet such generous beings such as yourselves."

"Yes, yes, that's all very interesting." Zim waved the words away with a gloved hand and wandered off, presumably to help with the repairs.

"So you were a prisoner? How'd you manage to get out of jail?" asked Dib, immediately fascinated.

"The Irkens don't watch their garbage chutes very well."

"Oh." Dib winced. "Oh."

The Vortian laughed and ran a hand over his graying scalp. "My people helped design almost everything the Irkens use today. I'm actually surprised that the Resisty hasn't scooped me up yet."

"The Resisty?" Dib grinned. "That's a stupid name."

"Tell that to Lard Nar," chucked 777.

"Are you guys hungry?" Gaz gestured to Tak's ship. "We have snacks if you need anything."

"No, no, I'm fine." 777 waved the offer away with another serene smile.

Dib turned to Gaz, and they shared a look that said, quite plainly, "What the hell has he been SMOKING?" Skoodge saw them and gave a shrug of mutual confusion. 777 didn't seem to notice.

"Shall we go see how the repairs are coming?" asked 777, turning his steady gaze to the direction Tak, Tenn, and Zim had gone.

"It's not like we've got anything better to do," Skoodge pointed out.

A short while later, the ship had been repaired and restocked. Our heroes then found themselves in the Vortian ship's conferencing room.

"We've repaired the engines and got the oxygen levels up," reported Tenn happily. "The cruiser should be good for another century or so." You could almost see the emoticon floating above her head.

"That's lovely," murmured 777, a strange dazed grin on his face.

"Er...so does that mean you're going to leave now?" asked Dib.

"If you wish..." sighed Skoodge, suddenly rather melancholy.

"No, wait!" Gaz held up a gloved hand to illustrate her statement. "We could always use more troops."

"Yes," agreed Zim. "And your ship is...impressive, 777."

"Thank you," he replied.

"So it's settled?" asked Tenn, her eyes wide.

"I suppose," answered Zim.

"After all, it's not like you three could completely destroy our work," noted Tak.

"NEVER SAY THAT!" Gaz clamped a hand over Tak's mouth while the others' expressions changed to horror.

"ARE YOU INSANE!" shrieked Skoodge. "IT'S LIKE A DEATH SENTENCE!"

Tak bit Gaz's hand and glared at the group. "Screw you."

"Alright, then, it's all settled. We have officially joined forces." 777 proceeded to shake the hands of everyone in the room, including himself and the SIRS that were mulling about.

"Er, Skoodge," whispered Dib, leading the Irken away from the group, "what's wrong with 777?"

"Oxygen. For him, it's like pot," he answered matter-of-factly.

"And what about Tenn? Can Irkens get high off of oxygen too?"

Skoodge laughed. "No, of course not. Tenn's just on Prozac. She was having some trouble after the Tallest abandoned her, so we hijacked a few shipments of the stuff."

"Oh. That explains a lot."

Dib and Skoodge rejoined the collective, which was discussing the progress of the "plan." Zim, Gaz, and Tak were getting Tenn and 777 caught up on where they were headed and the state of Earth.

"And now we're just going to check and see how many survived the blast," Gaz was saying.

"According to the Dib, quite a few of the survivors are banding together to do...something." Zim glared darkly in the direction of Earth. "It would be...amusing to take care of them as well."

"Lovely," breathed 777, still grinning like an idiot.

"We should be getting there in a few days or so." Tak looked out the window at the stars and planets lazily moving by. "This repair job set us back a ways. We had to drift quite a bit out of our way to get to you."

"I'm terribly sorry," sighed 777. "It was very kind of you to repair our ship. We-"

"Let's get some rest, kids," commanded Gaz, cutting short 777's monologue. "Tomorrow's rest period isn't going to come until we get within sight of the planet's ice caps."

"But we'll be practically on TOP of the thing once we see the ice caps!" Dib complained, reminding everyone that he was indeed a teenager. "They're smaller than presidentland, for Gods' sake!"

"Exactly."

"You lot get some sleep," murmured 777. "I'll take over piloting the ship."

"It's on auto-pilot," Zim pointed out.

"Then I'll monitor it. Bye bye..."

He wandered off in the direction of the cockpit.

"By the way," asked Gaz, "how did you set the coordinates in the Vortian ship's computer, anyway?"

"It's a relative of the Dib's computer," he replied with a shrug. "All I had to do was hack into his mainframe. It was like a family reunion, as I believe the humans said."

"Hey!" cried Dib. "You hacked my computer!"

Zim merely grinned and headed off to his cruiser.

Mimi hissed at the approaching SIR units. Her holographic ears folded back, and she bared her teeth. The SIRS kept coming.

Then Gir introduced himself to the SIRS.

"HI, COW!"

"Where is this cow you speak of?"

"Oh. HI, PIGGIE! LET'S GO TO MY ROOM!"

"My name is Bit. Nice to meet you." The SIR held out a clawed hand, which Gir promptly impaled a handful of muffins on. "Oh. Muffins. Thank you."

"I'm Gir," giggled the malfunctioning SIR unit.

"Alright, then. These are Giga, Pixel, and Amy." Bit gestured to the other SIRS, who were respectively red, black, and gray.

"Hello, Gir," they chorused.

"They've got what you call the 'hive mentality.' That means they tend to think as one entity." Bit grimaced. "They've got perfectly good minds of their own, but they still like to be the collective."

"Tacos?" Gir held out a fistful of tacos.

"Where did you--nevermind." Bit hung her head and returned to advancing on Mimi.

"We mean you no harm," Bit reassured her.

"One of us...One of usssss..." droned the other SIRS in unison.

"Don't pay attention to them. They're pricks," sighed Bit.

Mimi suddenly stopped cowering. She blinked once, and then her hologram disappeared. Then she smiled and shook Bit's hand.

"Good. Nice to see an intelligent SIR around," she stated briskly.

"Er, pardon me-" Bit glanced nervously at the small creature floating near the ceiling. "-but who is that strange floating thing?"

"It's Minimoose. Don't mind him. He's really a lot more intelligent than he appears." Mimi waved the words away with her clawed hand.

"Why don't we go irritate the computer in Tenn's ship?" suggested Bit.

"Sounds good. Come along now, all of you." Mimi gestured to the other SIRS and left the room, Bit following close behind.

"Hey, Tenn?"

"Yes?"

Dib wiped his glasses on his shirt hem. "I thought the Meekrob things captured you or something."

"Oh, that? 777 was kind enough to negotiate for my release." Tenn smiled. "He's a very good-hearted being."

"Tenn, I think you should limit the Prozac intake. You're starting to scare me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to alarm you. I'll try not to be so serene all the time. Would it help if I punched you in the stomach?"

Dib sighed. "No, Tenn. No, it wouldn't. You know what? Just forget it. You're fine. You don't have to be moody. Just...keep taking that Prozac."

Tenn smiled and wandered off. Dib was left to himself--or at least as "to himself" as he could be with Gaz and 777 around.

"Shouldn't we be resting now?" asked Gaz in a low, almost dangerous tone.

"Sorry. Uh, 777, why aren't you keeping watch on the navigation systems?"

"Oh, of course." 777 drifted away, humming softly to himself.

"I'll be in Tenn's ship, Dib. She wants me to help her repair the sleeping quarters." Gaz gave her brother a strange look. "Are you going to be okay with Zim?"

"Yeah, of course. I should really go monitor Earth broadcasts again. Zim's probably already started without me."

"That's not what I mean." She gave him that strange look again. "I mean, well, are you and Zim on good enough terms that..."

"Tak's going to be there, right? So why should it matter?"

"Tak's going to be in her own ship, trying to fix her stabilizers. They went out of whack while we were approaching the Vortian warship."

"Oh. Well, I'll be fine. We're on much better terms than we used to be."

"Good." Gaz looked away, off somewhere that seemed to be neither here nor there. "I'd better get going. Good night, Dib."

Gaz gave what Dib interpreted as a smile and left the room.

When Dib returned to the sleeping quarters of Zim's ship, he found the Irken comfortably nestled in a bunk, accessing Dib's computer through a remote link in his own...computer? It irritated Dib, but he got over it as soon as Zim spoke.

"I located the stink-beasts, Dib."

"Really? Where are they?" Dib hurried over to the Irken, who impatiently turned the holo-screen around so that he could see better.

"You're not going to believe this, human, but they seem to be gathering near that Skool place we used to attend."

"So we just blast them to dust and leave?"

"Not quite." Zim sighed. "Normally, I'd be all for your plan, but this is a strange situation."

(If Dib hadn't known better, he'd have thought Gaz did something to Zim to make him sound so intelligent. Really, it was probably just her endless coaching: "Don't yell, Zim." "I heard you the first time." "Quieter, please.")

"So what's going on?" Dib frowned at the text, which had been translated into Irken.

"We'll have to investigate further. Our original mission was to provide a way for Terra to start over, right?" Dib nodded, and the Irken continued. "We can't just go killing off what might be Terra's future. First we must assert that the humans gathered at the Skool are not worthy of surviving to see the new world."

"Are you sure Gaz didn't tamper with your pak when you weren't looking?" Dib snorted, eyeing Zim with an incredulous expression on his face.

"DO NOT MOCK THE ALMIGHTY ZIM!"

"Oh, good. You're back."

"Don't mistake this as a me going soft, Human," snarled Zim. "Your filthy sister is forcing me to cooperate. If she'd been born Irken, she would have been deactivated by now. Defective," he spat, like the word left a foul taste in his mouth.

"So that's what your society does with people who show emotion."

Zim stared at him, mouth agape. The human looked livid, his normally pale and drawn face suddenly full of color and tension. Zim unwillingly cringed, all-too aware of how unstable his companion could become.

"On your planet, you kill anyone who doesn't fit the 'perfect soldier' mold. Well, Zim, why are you still here? Did they miss one? Or are you just so pathetic, they take pity on you?" Dib's eyes flashed dangerously.

"ZIM IS NOT A DEFECTIVE!"

"Yes, you are. I've seen you looking at my sister. Pretend to hate her all you want, Zim, but you can't deny it. Everyone here shares a bond with each other. You can't change that, no matter how badly you want to. That bond is still there, even if the person dies..."

He let the words trail off, and there was something solid in his throat, something that kept anything else from escaping. He could feel a white-hot burning in his eyes, and he knew he was going to cry again. Dib turned away, trying to hide his shameful tears.

"Human? Why are you leaking?" Zim's voice, once so sharp and acid-laced, suddenly grew soft and almost fearful.

"I'm not. Just go back to monitoring the broadcasts."

Zim started to say something, then thought better of it. Instead, he turned the screen back toward him and resumed scanning the continuous threads of conversation running across its surface. The humans had rebuilt the Net in a very short time. It was...impressive, though he hated to admit it. Perhaps they weren't all stupid stink-beasts as he'd first thought.

Finally, the Dib stopped crying. Zim supposed he should have tried to comfort the teenager, but it seemed like such a waste of energy. Anyway, it was the Dib's sister who should be doing the comforting. She was better at the "making people smile" thing.

Which was rather odd, seeing as how she'd spent years as an antisocial, misanthropic gamer. Who would have thought that she was gathering information the entire time? When she appeared to be engrossed in her game, she was almost always really scanning the area for news reports and any inside information she could get her third eye on. Pure genius, though Zim hated to admit that even more than the thing about the humans being...smart.

"H-er, Dib."

Dib wiped his eyes one last time and turned to face him. "What?"

"I, er, I didn't mean that about your sister."

"I know. I'm just under a lot of stress right now and..."

"Don't apologize like that. It's disturbing."

Dib laughed in spite of himself. "Okay. Did you find out anything else?"

"Apparently, their leader is a teacher."

"You don't think it was..."

"I wouldn't dismiss the idea."

"Shit. That could be bad."

"When we reach Earth, we should land away from the Skool. Somewhere more desolate, somewhere we won't be noticed.

"How about the Hi Skool?"

"You're right. That is desolate."

"Think we should report to the others now?"

"No. Now is the time for rest. Tomorrow, we will tell them. Humans need sleep." Zim leaned back and stretched. "I'll continue monitoring the broadcasts."

"Don't you need to rest, too?"

"I've plugged my pak into the power lines. I'll be fine."

"Okay."

Dib crawled into a bunk and closed his eyes. The last thing he heard before sleep finally overtook him was the rhythmic clicking of the Irken's fingertips on the keyboard.

"Tak, how did you manage this?" Gaz pulled at a power cable. "It's mutilated!"

"Don't ask me, Neptunian. Before, it was just the stabilizers! Then those SIR units came in, and now the whole SHIP needs to be rewired!"

"M-miztrez," crackled both computers in unison. "My mainframe iz g-going to zhut duwn if you don't figz me zoon."

"Hold on, you two." Gaz turned to Tak. "Permission to download them into Zim's ship?"

"Go ahead, if it'll save them!" Tak's eyes glowed in panic. "They've got everything I've collected over the past sixty years stored in them!"

Gaz pulled out a small silver capsule and began looking for something on the controls.

"Girls, I'm going to have to download you into Zim's mainframe for awhile. It'll be cramped, but you'll be safe, and I'm sure you won't mind keeping his computer company."

Tak's computer giggled, and they started whispering to each other in binary code.

"I'll take that as a yes." Gaz rolled her eyes. "Now where's the info port?"

A small slide opened up, and a hair-thin needle rose out of the opening. Gaz carefully placed the capsule on top of it, letting the needle latch into the equally delicate machinery inside. It retreated into the control panel, and at once, Tak's computer let out a digital shriek loud enough to wake the dead.

"Now yooou know what it feelz like to be downloaded!" cried 2.

"Almost done."

It was at 89, and the Computers' voices were fading away. Gaz watched the status bar flicker to 100, and the capsule slid smoothly off of the needle and rolled onto the floor.

"Are they hurt?" asked Tak, who had watched the proceedings with a sense of awe. "I've never attempted something that extensive."

"They're fine. Now the default computer is loading. It'll be like a human computer, so you have to type in commands yourself. I'll go load the girls into Zim's mainframe."

Zim's computer was indeed happy to see the girls. The three of them had long since built up a good relationship, sharing data and arguing about which was better- plasma cannons or incendiary lasers? Zim's computer was very sympathetic to the girls' pain and immediately ran a diagnostic to see if they'd been infected with any bugs. When Gaz left them, they were talking like old friends.

"Hey, Zim," whispered Gaz, poking her head into the sleeping quarters.

As she'd suspected, the Irken was going over Earth broadcasts.

"What is it? I need to get back to work."

"I had to download Tak's computer into your mainframe. Hers is fried."

"WHAT!"

"I'm sorry, but it's only for awhile, and besides, your computer doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he and the girls are getting along great. Just be careful with what you're accessing, okay? You might even want to switch over to Dib's computer just to be safe. There's not a lot of room left."

"I'm already using the Dib's system. Otherwise, I would have known you committed such a..."

"Grievous offense?" offered Gaz.

"Yes, that. Now be gone with you!"

"Okay. See ya, Zim."

Gaz left, laughing quietly to herself.

"All set," reported Gaz as she slipped back into the cockpit of Tak's ship. "How're the repairs going?"

"This default computer is INFURIATING!" fumed Tak, slamming a fist down onto the control panel. "It won't react like I tell it to!"

Gaz sighed. "That's because you have to type in the commands. That, or click on things. It's not all automatic or voice-recognition. That thing was meant to be a backup, nothing more."

"Well, it's still irritating."

Tak began to type furiously, keying in commands as soon as screens popped up. In a fairly short amount of time, she had the thing run diagnostics, fix its wiring, and had discovered that there was a virus in her mainframe. More than likely it had been initiated when the ships passed through a cloud of intense magnetic force a few days back. Tak then set the computer to root out and destroy the bug, rubbing at her temples as the machine hummed.

"Gods, I am going to be glad when this is over," she sighed.

"From the looks of it, this mission is going to last awhile." Gaz looked away. "Years, more than likely."

Suddenly, Tak pushed back her chair and stretched. She looked Gaz straight in the eyes for a long time, as if she was trying to see something in them. Some hidden thing.

"Your species...They don't live long on their own, do they?" she asked, her eyes cunning.

"At birth, our young are injected with several solutions. Most of them protect against illness and promote the growth of intelligence. One of them, though, is for elongated life. Our society is built upon utilizing every advantage for the benefit of our species."

"Are any of the young denied injections? Defectives and the like?" There was a keen interest in Tak's eyes that made Gaz feel slightly uncomfortable.

"Of course not. Not unless the parents refuse to allow it. And even then, it's very rare that they don't get the longetivity injection." Gaz's eyes narrowed. "And 'defectives,' as you so blatantly call them, are given additional solutions."

"You never kill them? Fascinating."

"Why do you want to know this, anyway? I thought Irken databases had ample information on my kind."

"They don't know everything. And mostly I'm just curious."

They didn't speak for a long time. Tak didn't bother to go back to the monitors, seeing as how the problem was taking care of itself anyway. Gaz tried to make herself look busy, but she failed miserably. After what seemed like an eternity, Tak spoke again.

"Did you give your brother the injection?"

"Of course not!" Gaz's eyes flashed red. "That would be inhumane! He was already enough of a freak. I didn't need to add to his suffering by lengthening his life!"

"Really." Tak smirked. "Sounds backwards to me."

Gaz started to say something, but Tak cut her off.

"Don't Neptunians need rest as well? You should go to the sleeping quarters. I'll wake you if anything happens."

Gaz reluctantly left the room. She could hear Tak laughing until she finally drifted off to sleep.

The next day, Gaz was awakened by a very painful kick to the side.

"GET UP!" screeched a voice in her ear. "TIME FOR MEETINGS!"

Instinctively, Gaz lashed out , catching her attacker in the chest and sending it flying. She cursed and sat up, rubbing at her sore knuckles. They had hit metal. And when she finally thought to look at who had so rudely awakened her, she was greeted by a small SIR unit.

"Oh. Hi, Gir. Sorry about that. Next time, don't head-butt me, okay?"

Gir nodded stupidly and hobbled out of the room.

Gaz sighed and ran a hand through her hair. It was tangled, but not unruly. She pronounced herself fit to be seen and headed off to the Vortian conference room.

"Good, you're up," called a friendly voice from the other side of a long table.

The voice belonged to Skoodge, who was standing at the head of what Gaz had first taken to be a dinner table. Its smooth metal surface was pockmarked with screens and buttons. Apparently, the thing served as a briefing tool.

"Where's everyone else?" asked Gaz, nervously taking a seat near the Irken.

"No one but you and the human went to sleep. 777 is briefing him on the situation already. Everyone else has already received orders." Skoodge looked positively ecstatic, completely in his soldier element.

"Who's running things now?" Gaz growled hotly. "And why was I not informed along with the others of our situation?"

"Sorry about that." Skoodge's demeanor dampened somewhat, but he doggedly continued on. "To answer your first question, 777 seems to have taken charge, organizing things and whatnot. And he insisted that you and the human be briefed separately."

"Why?" Gaz's eyes narrowed. "And his name is Dib."

"You and the h--You and Dib are to be given special orders, seeing as how you two know the planet best. The two of you are in charge of gathering inside information after we land. You have to infiltrate the enemy's base and learn as much about them as you can. Based on your information alone, we decide to either destroy the humans or aid them. The others are simply for security and decoding enemy transmissions."

"Stop calling the humans 'the enemy.' It's demeaning to the race."

"Pardon me. It's the soldier brain, you know." Skoodge gave an apologetic grin. "Now, 777 is in the process of rewiring one of the other inactive SIR units Tenn picked up. He designed most of the models, so he shouldn't have a hard time of it. Anyway, it will accompany you and Dib on your mission, serving as a databank and security."

"Why can't we just take Gir? Or Minimoose?"

"They aren't fit to the specific criteria. Your SIR unit will more than likely not have a personality of its own. It will be easily disguised as a pet of some kind so as to pass unnoticed, but we cannot let it have free will. Gir or Minimoose, should they accompany you, could bring disaster upon our entire objective."

"Stop talking like a soldier for once, will you?"

Skoodge gave an irritated sigh and tapped a button on the table in front of him. The screen by Gaz flickered into life, displaying a fairly impressive map of the galaxy. There were two red Irken symbols on it, one for the location of the Vortian ship, the other for the location of Terra.

"We're getting close to Terra. I had 777 step up the ship's engines to three-quarters maximum power. We'll be there sometime in the next thirty hours."

"Great." Gaz surveyed the screen boredly. "So he's getting some sense back, then?"

"No, it's not that." Skoodge smiled. "His soldier senses are kicking in. I figured he'd regain his reason a long time ago, but the oxygen levels in here must be higher than I thought."

"Humans only need half of the oxygen they used to for survival," Gaz pointed out.

"But the mind is better nurtured when the air quality is exemplary."

"I really need to make you listen to some of my brother's angst-ridden music, you know that? You're way too happy for my taste."

"Whatever. Now as soon as we land, you don't know us. You and Dib are survivors of the blast only because you happened to be wearing radiation suits when the bombs were detonated. You were dealing with highly unstable materials, or something. Anyway, whatever the case, it was sheer luck that saved you, just like it was for the others. I trust your information retrieval device is still fully functional?"

"Yes, of course. Zim had to repair it for me, though, awhile ago. His damn robot cracked it in half again."

"And I trust your brother doesn't know it's anything other than a game system?"

"GameSlave. And no, he doesn't suspect a thing."

"Good." Skoodge stood up. "As soon as 777 finishes them, I'll have your SIR unit's code sent to your...GameSlave so you know where to send information. I was told that your third eye can transmit directly to our database."

"It's one of the few perks about being a Neptunian."

"Got it. That will be all. Good day, soldier."

He saluted, then left the room.

"Military bastard," muttered Gaz under her breath.

Still, at least they had a plan. That was more than Gaz had been able to come up with since she and three unlikely allies had destroyed the human race. For all her take-charge leadership, she couldn't help feeling a small sense of relief. Now that 777 was taking care of things, she didn't have to worry about anything other than the duties assigned to her.

Then again, the duties assigned by a perpetually stoned alien aren't always relevant. Or coherent.

Needless to say, this caused her a bit of worry.

She needn't have bothered, though. Tenn had already filtered out the requests for a greenhouse full of purple sunflowers, strobe lights, and mandatory uniforms made entirely of hemp. The Irken's primary role seemed to be translator, decoding 777's orders and weeding out what was to be attributed to his...condition.

At the moment, Tenn perched on a tall stack of boxes in the storage room, listening intently while her leader babbled on and on. He made dramatic gestures while he spoke, frequently losing his balance and needing assistance getting back into his chair. Eventually, though, he calmed down and started making sense.

"Now, Tenn, has the Irken briefed that Neptunian girl on the situation yet?" he inquired, the serene cloud of near-inebriation moving away from his eyes for a moment.

"Of course. Skoodge just left the room a few minutes ago."

"Good, good. That means she agreed to the assignment. Her adoptive brother seems to have taken his briefing well, seeing as how he was in the middle of putting together a cover story when I left him. Are the SIR units fully charged now?"

Tenn checked a screen floating near her head. "Yes, it looks like their cerebral functions are all in order. Should we go pick them up?"

"That won't be necessary." 777 touched a small green square at the top of the screen, and two red-and-black SIR units hurtled into the room. "Report for duty, SIRS."

"SIR reporting for duty," they chimed in unison.

"Amazing," breathed Tenn. "They look...really good."

"I updated them with some things I've been working on." 777 smiled, obviously flattered. "It was nothing after designing the Massive."

"We should deliver them to Gaz and Dib." Tenn stood. "Are you coming?"

"No, no, I think I'll just stay here for awhile..."

And with that, 777 curled up in his cardboard box chair and went to sleep.

"Amazing," murmured Tenn, with none of her previous awe. "Come on, you two, let's get a move on."

"Gaz? Dib? Meet me in the conferencing room."

This was three hours later, two and three-quarters longer than Tenn had thought it would take to get the SIRS to their new owners. Unfortunately, 777 had woken up just as she was about to leave, and Tenn was again forced to listen to him prattle on and on about "the war" and how he was once a "very high-ranking officer" among his species.

Tenn was, quite understandably, rather exasperated when she finally met up with the pair in the conferencing room.

"These are your SIR units. They will serve you with the utmost loyalty. All you need to do is bond with them."

"Oh, great," muttered Dib. "You mean like we have to get to know them or something?"

"No, idiot." Gaz walked up to one of the SIRs and pricked her finger on a safety pin. She pressed the wound to the SIR's hand. "My name is Gaz. Report to your mistress."

The SIR's eyes glowed brightly, and it bowed. "Reporting for duty, mistress."

"Usually, you wouldn't have to do this," Tenn sighed, gesturing to Gaz. "Unfortunately, since the first being they reported to was 777, we have to provide a stronger bond for them. Your SIR unit needs a sample of your DNA, best gotten from your blood. It'll be permanently locked onto your unique data, so to speak."

"O...kay." Dib cautiously approached his SIR unit, noticing that though the thing looked like Gaz's, it had a silver version of an Irken Pak hooked into its back. "Can I just have it take a reading of my fingerprint, or something?"

"No, stupid, then it would try to obey everything you touch."

"Oh. Right." Dib took the safety pin from his sister, wiped it off on his shirt, and pricked his finger. The tiny puncture brought back some painful memories, and he quickly pressed it to his SIR's hand and handed the safely pin back to Gaz. "My name is Dib. Report to your master."

"SIR reporting for duty." Suddenly, the Pak sprouted metal rods, and Dib's SIR unit rose several inches off of the floor, suspended by things that looked exactly like Zim's spider-legs.

"Is it supposed to do that?" asked Dib, his voice rising in pitch--much to his embarrassment.

"777 outfitted the SIRS with some pretty out-there equipment. Yours is fashioned after Irkens, and Gaz's is...uh...well, I'm not sure what species 777 chose to mimic with that one. He seems to enjoy mutating things; the other SIRS he's reactivated are all freaks of nature."

"They'd probably like meeting my security," laughed Gaz, remembering the "dolls" she had in the storage room.

The ship gave a sudden lurch, and all five creatures in the room were thrown off-balance.

"I've got to get going," muttered Tenn. "He's got the engines at full power now. I need to make sure he didn't accidentally overload them, or we could be towing this thing into Terra's atmosphere."

Still muttering under her breath, Tenn dodged out of the room.

"Has anyone noticed how annoying these sudden exits are?" mused Dib aloud, and his sister nodded.

"So." Gaz gave her SIR the once-over. "777 did a good job on you."

"Who is 777?" asked the robot, its bro furrowing.

"That gray alien with the horns," she explained. "He reactivated you and your...uh...fellow SIR unit."

"Fascinating." The SIR unit paused for a moment, absorbing the new information. "And who is the big-headed boy?"

"My head is NOT big!" huffed Dib, and his SIR unit nodded.

"His name is Dib. He's my brother...sort of." Gaz hesitated. "I'll explain that later."

Dib's SIR unit nodded again, and both units absorbed the collective information they'd heard so far.

"Should we go now?" asked Dib, feeling uncomfortable.

"I-"

Gaz never got to finish her answer, as a loud blast of static from a hidden loudspeaker cut her off.

"Report to the bridge," came Tenn's strained voice. "Everyone. Now."

After a quick glance toward each other, Gaz and Dib hurried out of the room. Apparently they'd forgotten how annoying sudden exits could be. Their SIRS, of course, hadn't understood what the pair were talking about, so their only thoughts while they followed behind were along the lines of "Oh, look, Master doesn't have those nice long spider-legs like me" and "Mistress sure can run fast."

"This is...irritating," hissed Tenn through clenched teeth. "777 stepped up the engines to full power, alright. AND he disabled the cloaking device. Which means if we can't slow down, we're going to crash into the planet at full speed and NOT look like an asteroid."

"Hey, Zim, that reminds me of the thing with the dogfighting planets," commented Dib to the scowling Irken beside him.

"Dib, shut up," snarled Tenn in a rare show of exasperation. "Now, Tak and Skoodge are currently trying to slow us down, but just to give you an idea of how fast we're moving..."

The huge "front window"--for lack of better term--on the bridge went clear, displaying a picturesque view of Terra...and nothing else. The ship loomed over the planet, and its miniscule polar ice caps glittered ashy white.

"We're doomed," sighed Zim and Gaz at the same time.

"FIRE REVERSE THRUSTERS!" came a bloodcurdling scream from what was later interpreted to be Tak.

The ship lurched again, and fire filled most of the window.

"Good. Those should reduce our speed...once Skoodge gets the engines powered down." Tenn rubbed at her temples. "And that would be the engines cutting out," she added as the ship jerked backward. "Hopefully they didn't stall too badly."

"Isn't it as little dangerous to be firing the thrusters when we're entering Terra's atmosphere?" queried Dib, his voice wavering a little.

"Not unless there's a leak, in which case, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" screamed Tenn, sinking to the floor and then abruptly standing up. "We'll be fine, human," she added with a smile.

"I feel so much better now," he muttered.

The new SIR units remained silent throughout the entire ordeal of landing. They kept their six senses open, letting the information be stored in its raw form for later decoding. Their masters didn't seem to be in any immediate danger, so there was no need to interact.

Finally, the ship came to a relatively smooth landing near the site of the old Hi Skool. Dib and Gaz disembarked with their SIRs, and they were soon followed by the rest of the team.

"Alright, then, children, let's get to work," ordered 777, a cunning look in his eyes. "We should set up base inside the remaining part of the structure. It's too dangerous to stay in the ship. It might be attacked while it's uncloaked. I'll handle getting the thing back online."

The others stared blankly at him for a moment, then did as they were told.

"Tenn, you and Tak get Dib and Zim's lab capsules out, will you? They should be very valuable in setting up camp."

"Yes, sir," they chorused, hurrying off.

"Skoodge, Zim, go find a suitable place to locate our base of operations."

"Got it."

"And you two be careful. You are the most valuable assets to this operation." 777 abruptly pulled them into a spine-crushing hug. "Good luck."

"L-let-us-go!" croaked Gaz.

Their SIR units fired a warning shot at 777's foot, and he reluctantly released their owners. He smiled and shook his head.

"They seem to be in perfect working order," he commented. "Alright, now remember the SIR laws. Don't break rule number 13, whatever you do."

"Got it," chimed Dib and Gaz, though they were both thinking Rule number WHAT, now?

And they set off, a human and a Neptunian in a wasteland. Gaz turned on her hologram, and the SIRs soon figured out how to disguise themselves as (much more convincing that Gir) dogs. What awaited them only time would tell.

Author's note: Okay, guys, this is only the first chapter of the "checking up on humans" story arc. I planned to do it all in one swing, but somehow the story got away from me and demanded to have more than one chapter devoted to it. . Oh well. Anyway, a note on characters: any OOCness that might occur is, as always, a (mostly) natural progression of the characters' personalities. After all, they're older, wiser, and hopefully more mature now.

I plan to make the next chapter a little darker than this one--with a lot of humor, though. Example: "You can't kill off hippies, man."

my only complaint about my work is that I always forget about those adorable SIR units. BAD ME! BAD! Anyway, I'll try harder with that next time.

Coming up next chapter: what will Dib and Gaz find on their way to the humans' base? What IS rule number 13? Why is 777 acting so strangely? When will the madness end! Stay tuned for next update's episode of "Dude, where's my planet?"

-raven, your friendly neptunian maniac