Everything was confusion; people were screaming in pain and weeping, pieces of the Normandy still falling around them. Kaidan did his best for everyone, following Dr. Chakwas and aiding her in getting people out of the pods and their various injuries tended, doing his best not to worry about Juniper. She would come through this, he was sure of it, as she had come through everything else. She had to.
He remembered those brief moments at the end of the battle of the Citadel when he had thought she'd been crushed beneath falling pieces of Sovereign. Those had been the longest moments of his life. When she had appeared, climbing to the top of the debris, he had promised himself never to doubt her again. He wasn't going to start today.
It didn't even worry him that he couldn't find her; she had gone back to the cockpit for Joker, and theirs would have been the last pod off the ship. No doubt they had landed somewhere removed from the rest of the pods, and she would be tending to Joker. The helmsman's condition was well-known—a hasty removal from his seat, a dash for the escape pod, a crash landing, none of those would be good for his fragile bones.
He said as much to Dr. Chakwas, who nodded. "We need to find him quickly or Jeffrey's recovery will be seriously compromised."
The doctor was the only one who insisted on calling Joker by his first name, as she did Kaidan, and all the others. Except Shepard—the Commander was the only Normandy crew member Dr. Chakwas never attempted to mother. A firm and uncompromising mothering, to be sure, but mothering nonetheless.
Now the doctor stopped and looked at Kaidan. "Is your head all right?"
It wasn't; he was seeing stars in the edge of his vision and he could feel the little tendrils of pain that signaled the onset of a migraine. But that didn't matter now. In Shepard's absence, and with Pressly dead, he was de facto in command, and he would have to push through whatever pain he might feel. As Shepard would, if she were here; as any good commander would. He waved off Dr. Chakwas's concerns, and she nodded, understanding the situation precisely and recognizing the futility of argument.
"Over here!" came a shout, and he followed the voice, Dr. Chakwas right behind him, to a heavily damaged escape pod that had come down in the midst of a field. Garrus was struggling with the door, trying to get it open.
"Let me," Kaidan said, shoving the turian aside with his shoulder.
From behind him came the familiar krogan growl. "No. I'll do it." Both he and Garrus fell back and let Wrex attack the door with all his considerable strength. At last, with a sharp squeal of metal, it came open.
They were all here now—Garrus and Kaidan, Wrex and Liara, Tali, Dr. Chakwas … everyone but Ashley, Kaidan thought with a pang of the guilt that had never truly left him. They all heard the shriek of pain as Wrex reached into the pod and tugged at Joker's arm.
"You're stuck," Wrex told him. "Gotta get you out."
Dr. Chakwas was leaning over the opening with the krogan, assessing the damage to Joker's fragile bones.
"Maybe we should get Shepard first," Kaidan said. He hadn't heard her speak yet, from inside the pod. He needed to hear that calm, uncompromising voice—only then could he relax.
They both ignored him, working at the straps that imprisoned Joker in the hunk of metal. At last Wrex called to Kaidan to come help him lift the helmsman out of the pod. Joker had stopped screaming a few minutes ago; Kaidan assumed he must have passed out. As Kaidan reached down into the pod for Joker's legs, he saw the inside of it, and for a moment he couldn't believe the evidence of his eyes.
There was no one else there. Joker had been alone in the pod.
Maybe she had gotten out already, he thought desperately. Maybe she was over with the other survivors, getting things organized. Maybe she had taken another pod.
But he knew none of those things could be true. She couldn't have gotten out of this pod before Joker, because they'd had to pry it open. This one had been the last one left on the ship, and he knew all the others had left while she was going for Joker. If she wasn't here …
He pushed the thought aside, lifting Joker's legs and carrying him, with Wrex at the pilot's shoulders, to a broader area of grass where they could lay him out straight. Dr. Chakwas immediately knelt next to him and went to work, with Tali holding a light over her head so she could see.
When no one followed them, and no one moved to go back to the pod, Liara looked at Kaidan, startled, the truth beginning to dawn in her eyes. Garrus pushed past him and looked inside the pod.
It was Tali who finally voiced the question. "Where's Shepard?"
She looked at Kaidan. They were all looking at him. And he shook his head, unable to find the words. He could feel his eyes filling with tears. When was the last time he had cried? He couldn't remember.
Joker moaned, consciousness returning. Dr. Chakwas bent over him. "Don't try to move, Jeffrey. This arm …"
"Shepard …" he said weakly. "Dragged me out of my seat …"
"Where is Shepard?" Liara asked him.
"Hit the button … closed off the pod … ejected." Joker's eyes closed, and they could all see that he was crying. If Joker, of all people was crying, then it had to be true. "Still … on the ship … when it blew."
Kaidan wanted to give way. He wanted to sink to his knees and cry and wail and curse the stars. But none of that would bring Shepard back, and worse, it wouldn't take care of her people. And she would want him to take care of her people, he thought numbly. Before he gave in to his grief, she would want this from him.
He cleared his throat and touched Dr. Chakwas on the shoulder. "Can we move him?"
She shook her head. "I don't think so."
"There were blankets in another pod," Liara said. Her eyes were reddened, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. "I'll go get him one."
"If I rip off this door, we could maybe use it as a stretcher." Wrex suited the action to the words, muttering under his breath, "Really want to rip something to pieces anyway."
Dr. Chakwas looked up, her voice gentle even as her words were sharp. "Hold that light steady, Tali. I need to be able to see what I'm doing."
"Yes, Doctor." Tali's shoulders were shaking, her voice more tremulous than usual.
Kaidan left them and returned to the knot of the other survivors, wondering how he was going to tell them. He had to hold himself together—only the knowledge that Shepard, cool and collected, would be here soon had kept them calm this far. He owed it to her to take on that role and be the leader she would have been, or as close as he could come.
At his shoulder he felt a presence, and he turned to see Garrus there. "Let me help."
"Thanks." Kaidan nodded, and together they approached the rest of the survivors of the Normandy with the news that the savior of the galaxy was lost forever, somewhere in the sky above them.
A/N: I know this planet is ice-locked when they find the wreckage, but I figure it can't be all the time - and if it had been, a lot of the crew would have frozen in their thin uniforms waiting for help. Also, we zipped through ME, but ME2 and ME3 have a lot more content, so I plan to take my time. Good news is I have a big buffer, so starting next week, look for a new chapter every Thursday. Thank you for reading!