A/N: Goodness, I missed the Fullmetal Alchemist fan fiction section. But I have returned…Hopefully. And this is like, in the same department as my "No, I do NOT have a vagina" fic—people said it'd be cool to do other characters. If there's a bunch of positive feed back for this fic, too, then you'll see more of 'em. (grin)
Dear children of the WORLD,
My name is Alphonse Willy Wonka Squibbles Elric. And I love YOU. I hope you love me too, but according to the recent "fan letters" I've been receiving, you all don't. And homie don't play that.
Why must you always make fun of my voice? I'M SORRY THE PUBERTY TRAIN HASN'T ENTERED THE BUILDING FOR ME. But really…Isn't the fact that Envy sounds like a clown who either A) swallowed tons of helium, or B) got kicked really, really hard in the crotch the reason you love him so much? Can't I get any love? Please?
PLEASE?
I know you love my brother more than me.
I know he's got buns of steel, while my buns are like…literally steel.
I know it looks like I'm wearing a loincloth—it's an APRON, damn you! Which now that I think about it, doesn't even really help me in the masculinity department. Dammit.
But then again, why do you love Ed's BRAID so much? Braids are GAY. IT'S BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT BRAIDS ARE GAY. Oh, so does that fact that my BROTHER ties his hair up in one make it cool? HUH? DO YOU WANT ME TO TIE MY HAIR IN A BRAID? THEN, SO HELP ME, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'LL DO.
…(violent breathing)
Okay, then.
Oh, and do any of you mind telling Winry I left the money under her doormat? And that I really, REALLY needed last night, too? Thanks.
Hearts and cookies and kitties and crayons,
Alphonse.