Chapter 4

Bam walked into the room and stood quietly in the doorway. He leaned his head against the doorframe and looked at her.

"Jenn?"

She lied there curled up in the bed, facing away from him.

"Come on Jenn." He pleaded. She did not respond.

"Look you know it's not your fault that we lost the baby."

She still did not respond, but slid her hand down over he belly.

"So you're not even going to look at me or anything?"

"What do you mean we lost the baby? You weren't the one who was carrying it. You weren't the one who had it ripped away from you before it even had a chance to fully develop. I'm the one who lost the baby."

"Jenn please don't do this to yourself. This kind of thing happens all the time. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I don't want to hear it Bam. Just leave me alone."
He looked away from her, feeling the pain surface to his eyes.

"Fine." He turned slowly and left the room, closing the door behind him.

He leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. Not being able to control that falling tears, he hid his face behind his hands.

The pain was too much for him to bear. Ryan walked up and knelt beside Bam, and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Bam looked at him and wiped some tears away.

"Hey. You know it's going to be ok, man."

"I know Ryan. But Jenn…. She's putting all the blame on her, and she's pushing me away and everything. And I don't know what to do or say to her to make her feel better. I'm trying to be strong for her during this but it's so hard." He sniffed. "It just hurts so much."

Ryan changed his position so he would be sitting and leaning his back against the wall. He stuck his legs out in front of him and looked at Bam, searching for the right words to say.

Nothing came to him so he sat there beside Bam and allowed him to cry.

"It's not fair, Dunn. It's just not fair. I thought that after my cancer, I wouldn't have to go through anything that bad again. How foolish was I to think I could be happy after that?"

"Dude don't think like that."

"Why shouldn't I? Jenn and I just lost our child." He looked away from him. "And Jenn's acting like she's the only one who has the right to be hurting over this. She acts like how dare I be upset over it since she's the only one who had anything to do with the kid during the pregnancy because she was carrying it. I might as well have been just a sperm donor."

"No Bam you know that's not true."

"I know! But that's the way she's treating me."

"Then why don't you talk to her about it?'

"She barely even wants to look at me right now. How can I talk to her?"

"Well… just make her talk to you."

"Dunn I can't just make her talk to me. Are you trying to
help me feel better, or make me feel worse?"

"Sorry I just don't know what to say to you."

"Maybe it's best that you don't say anything right now." Bam put one hand over his eyes. "Why'd this have to happen? Why to us ?" He continued to cry as Ryan sat there by his side.

The door cracked open and Jenn stepped out. Bam barely noticed her until she stooped down next to him. He turned his head toward her, showing her the rings of water just below his eyes.

He blinked and then the water rings rolled down his cheeks. Ryan stood up once Jenn wrapped her arms around Bam's neck and shoulders.

"I'll just leave you two alone."

"Thanks Ryan." Jenn answered.

"Bam I'm so sorry. I had no idea how much I was hurting you." She started to cry as he put his arms around her.

"I guess I have just been too worried about feeling sorry for myself, I didn't stop to think of how this would be affecting you."

"Jenn you should know that we're in this together. We're going to get through this together."

"I know Bam. I'm sorry."

"But we can't blame ourselves for this. This wasn't our fault, ok?"

"I know it wasn't. But why did we have to lose our baby?"

"I don't know. That's just one of those questions that can't be answered." He kissed the side of her face near her neck. "We have each other now. It's going to be hard, but we'll be alright."

"I sure hope so. It will be hard leaving this hospital, without a baby inside of me. Oh God this hurts so much."

"I know it does. But like I said, we have each other."

He cradled her and they began to rock back and fourth a little as they shared tears.

Chapter 5

Some time had passed since Jenn's miscarriage. Bam and Jenn, though still wanted to have a baby, decided no to try to get pregnant for a while.

They were moving forward with their lives together, however every time they passed the half decorated room that was meant for the baby their heartache returned for a moment.

Bam was keeping himself busy with filming his show and directing music videos for HIM, and Jenn was by his side the whole time.

One night Bam decided to throw a party to celebrate the end of another season. Jenn was making her way through the crowd of people, trying not to spill the beer in her hand.

"Excuse me! Out of my way!"

She pushed pass some people without looking where she was going and bumped into someone, causing beer to spill onto the floor.

"Oh shit! I'm so sorry."

"No it's ok Jenn." Said Raab as he slipped a shoe off. He ran his foot over the puddle of beer on the floor.

"Sock mop. Sock mop. See? All better." He laughed as he put his shoe back on.

"You know Raab I could have just easily got a towel for that."

"Yeah I know. But you would have had to go all the way into the kitchen to get it. That was quicker."

"All the way into the kitchen? The kitchen is like… three feet away!"

"But still, that's…. yeah never mind." He grimaced and took a sip of beer. "So how are you doing? You look good."

"I do? Well actually I think I'm coming down with the flu or something."

"Sure don't look like you're sick."

"I know I don't look like it, but I feel like it."

"Well I hope you feel better then."

"Thanks. By the way have you seen Bam any where?"

"Um." He gazed around the room. "No I haven't. But I'll let you know if I do."

"Ok. Thanks any way Raab."

Jenn left to look for Bam. As she walked, she started getting a queasy feeling in her stomach. She knew that she shouldn't have been drinking since she already didn't feel well.

Now she was going to have to pay for it. She stopped mid-way through the living room, trying to keep her alcohol down. There was no way that she was going to get sick in front of everyone. Feeling a little dizzy, she decided to take a seat on the leather couch near by.

Bam came up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

"Hey where have you been?" She looked at him. "Oh what's the matter Jenn?"

"I'm just not feeling well right now."

"How much have you had to drink?'

"Only two beers from the keg. But I haven't been feeling all that great any way."

"Well I hope you'll be feeling better soon."

"I'll be fine. Just have to sit down for a minute. Go on and have fun, Bam."

"But I can't have much fun knowing you're sick."

"Really I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me."

"Are you sure, because…"

"Bam you're giving me a headache. Please I'll feel better if you just stop worrying about me and have fun."

"Ok." He started to turn away and then looked at her. "Just let me know if you need anything."

"Alright." Bam took a few steps from her. "Bam?"

"What?" He asked, coming back to her.

"I'm going to be sick."

Bam sighed and rolled his eyes. "I knew it. Come on."

He held his hand out for her, which she accepted, and he helped her onto her feet. He then guided her upstairs to the bathroom as quickly as he could.

Once they got into the bathroom, Jenn let go of his hand and collapsed in front of the toilet. Bam sat behind her and held her hair back.

"You ok now?" Bam asked once Jenn was done.

She nodded.

"Why are you so good to me? You don't treat anyone else this nice, not even your own mother."

"I just feel differently about you than I do about anyone else in my life. We've been through so much together, especially these past two years."

"I didn't really expect you to answer my question. But you're right. We have been through a lot."

A week later…

Jenn walked out of the doctor's office with her head half down and a slight look of bewilderment. Bam approached her and placed a hand around her back.

"How did the check up go?"

"Fine."

"Just fine? What did he tell you? How sick are you?"

"Bam calm down. I'm not sick."

"You're not sick? Then what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I'm just fine. Just not what I expected for some reason."

"What? What are you talking about? I'm confused."

"Bam." She looked up at him, unable to hide the sparkle in her eyes. "I'm pregnant."

Bam's jaw dropped open.

"Pregnant? B…but we weren't even trying."

"I know. But I'm pregnant." She smiled.
Bam took a step back and shook his head with a nervous grin. "But…. I…" He paused and took a breath.

"I feel like we barely got over the loss of our first baby. Now we're going to have another one?"

She placed her hands on the sides of his face.

"Bam it's ok. Just relax. Maybe it will be different this time… better. If it will make you feel better, we'll hold off on telling everyone."

"Ok." He kissed her. "I can handle that."

He took her by the hand, allowing their fingers to intertwine. Turning his head down slightly as they walked out to the parking lot, a soft smile ran across his lips.

As they drove home, neither of them spoke much. Bam placed his hand over the top of Jenn's hand, and gave it a squeeze. Jenn moved her hand out from under Bam's before she held his hand firmly in both of hers. She gazed up at him with a smile and sighed.

"Bam?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have the same feeling that I have? About this pregnancy that is."

"I don't know, what's your feeling?"

"That it's going to be just fine, ad we're going to be awarded with a very happy, healthy child."

"Well then if that's how you feel then that's what's going to happen."

"You think so?"

"I know so." He picked her hand up and kissed it.