Chapter Four

When I woke up, I stretched, and bumped my head against the computer. The nightmares had left me alone, and I didn't know what to think about that. Swallowing down the dryness in my mouth, I cleared my throat, and sat up, trying to disentangle myself from the blanket.

A figure sitting near by scared me into another heart attack. "Do you realize how many people have been looking for you?" Beckett's voice wasn't angry, just resigned.

I stared at him in confusion. "Why were they looking for me?"

He leaned forward, till the shadows splayed across his face. "You missed your appointment with Kate. We tried to get you on the radio -"

"I left it in my room," I answered automatically. "You took me off duty."

Carson nodded. "Aye, I did."

Blearily, I tried to focus on the clock across the room. If they'd had people out looking for me, it had to have been a while. I scrubbed tired hands across gritty eyes, and gave up on reading the numbers. It was too dark, and my mind was still sluggish from sleep.

"How long?" Beckett asked.

"How long what?" I repeated. I knew I was missing something, but I couldn't figure out what.

"I'm the one that went to your quarters, Colonel."

I didn't get it. He was sitting there, tense, and staring at me with something that bordered…reproachful? What'd I do… "Shit," I swore, as I suddenly remembered. I'd uncapped the bottle of pills, shook out two, and dropped them in the toilet, but a call from Kate to see if I could come to an earlier appointment had distracted me…I hadn't flushed before rushing to make the new time.

Beckett repeated his question again, his voice as stony as the highlands where he came from. "How long?"

I let my head bang against the wall. Fuck. "I never took any."

"None?" he exploded. Thrusting the chair back, he stood. "Infirmary, now."

"You're just pissed because I didn't follow your orders," I replied. I had no intention of going to the infirmary. I didn't need the pills, and I wasn't going to take them. "I don't need them. I'm not depressed."

"You're sleeping in your dead friend's office, wrapped in his blanket."

I laughed wearily. "What do you think you have in the infirmary that can make this better?"

Beckett stared at me. His face shifted like a chameleon; anger, sadness, acceptance. He turned his head away, and I watched as his face fought off the emotions, and failed. When he spoke, it was shaky. "He would've wanted me to take care of you; to see you through this."

Raggedly, I got to my feet, and put an awkward hand on his shoulder. "You have," I said, sincere. "But pills aren't the answer. Put me back on duty – I'm ready now, and I need the distraction."

"Kate disagrees."

He'd recovered some semblance of control, but I could still see the glassiness of his eyes reflecting in the poor light in the room. I didn't want to fight with him, but I couldn't keep on like this. Seeing Kate during the day, pretending I had things to do, when in reality all I ever did was think about those days on the Hive ship. "I need something to keep my mind off it," I all but begged. "She thinks I need a solution; what I need is life." The stillness of limbo was killing me.

Beckett shook his head, but he was staring at me thoughtfully. Finally, he released a long sigh. "It's against my better judgment, but I'll tell Elizabeth you're clear."

"Thank you," I replied earnestly, resisting the urge to run out of the room before he changed his mind. I started to walk away, but stopped when I realized he wasn't following. "You coming?"

"No," he said, voice so soft it could've floated away with a whisper of a breeze. "I think…" he looked around at the room, lingered for a moment on the mess from the broken cup, before returning back to me. "I'm going to look around for a bit."

"Yeah," I said. I understood. "I'll see you later, Doc." I left him behind, knowing he was hurting, in a lot of ways just as much. The only difference was the lack of baggage from the way Rodney had died. If I hadn't had that to carry around, maybe I wouldn't be floundering, barely keeping my head above the water. Maybe.

OoO

"Doctor Z!" I called, cupping my hands around my mouth. "Pack it up!"

The first mission since I'd told Elizabeth who was going to be McKay's replacement. I'd resisted the suggestion. Had fought loudly over it with Elizabeth, and even though we'd been in her office, everyone had overheard. I felt bad about that; bad that the rumor mill implied that my problem was with Zelenka, when that could've been the farthest from the truth. The truth was I didn't want Zelenka to die. I didn't want to speak at his eulogy, or watch him get desiccated by the Wraith, or any other method of dying.

She'd finally told me to shut up; that alone startled me into being quiet. Then she'd told me if I wanted to go through that gate ever again, I'd accept Radek on my team, and I'd damn well better make him feel welcome.

When Radek had walked into the gateroom, kitted out with vests, and a thigh holster, I'd almost turned around and walked out of there. He reminded me, painfully, of a certain other scientist. The same nervous walk, awkward fit of gear, and uncomfortable feel with the gun. He'd smiled tentatively and said, "I am ready, Colonel Sheppard."

Feeling Elizabeth's stare on my back, I'd patted him on his shoulder and said, "Looks like it, Doc." I tried to smile reassuringly, while inside, I was falling apart.

The mission was a cake walk. In and out. I knew Elizabeth had planned it that way. Ronon was impatient, but awkward. Teyla was just sad. It'd been a month, and none of us were over it. I tried to make small talk about Teyla's trip to the mainland; about Ronon's hair cut, but all of it died with grunts and short answers. Down deep there was a part of me that wondered if they'd lost the faith in me as their leader. Did they still trust me to get them home alive? The funny thing is, the real question was for me. Did I trust me to get us home alive? The answer wasn't one I wanted to think about.

The screams are what made me whip my head around, and sent my heart pounding. Wraith! It was the first thing through my mind, and the last thing I wanted to see. Luckily, it wasn't. But what it was, turned out to be not so good, either. Radek was running full bore towards me, and right on his ass was the biggest animal I'd seen so far in the Pegasus galaxy. It had to have been the size of a horse, but the fangs that I could see even at this distance made me doubt it was wanting to ask Radek to hop on up and take a ride.

I quickly got my P90 up, safety off, and scattered a few rounds above Radek's head. The animal slowed, uncertain, but when Zelenka stretched the distance between them to what it must have deemed too far, the beast sped up again.

There was no way in hell I was going to go through that gate with anything less than the number we'd left with. I started running towards Radek, and shouted as loud as I could, "Duck, Doc!" When he did, I riddled the animal with my entire clip.

Everything would've been just fine then, if it hadn't been for the fact that Junior apparently had a mom nearby. I picked Doctor Z off the ground, and turned us towards the gate. He was shaking like a tree in hurricane force winds – that shaking that comes from not knowing which way to bend. I shouted at Ronon to dial it up, and then I was flying through the air.