Chapter Nine

The next few days I passed in isolation, following Beckett's orders to the letter. I stayed in bed, played solitaire, and started thinking seriously about asking again for those happy pills. I talked to Rodney, wished my arm wasn't broken so that I could play my guitar, and read War and Peace. I said the right things when Kate came by, her mandatory visit because of the 'stupid' comment Ronon and I had admitted to, even if it was indirectly.

When Radek came by, I almost told him to go away. He was standing outside my door, his hands clenched nervously by his side, and he asked, "Colonel, may I come in?"

This was a conversation I didn't want to have. I'd heard the rumor mill. Some said I hated Radek, others that I resented him, while the latest said that McKay and Radek had been close and I'd been jealous. Everyone had a rumor for whatever sordid scenario they hoped was going on; but all of them were wrong.

Radek made me hurt. And not physically, but down deep, because he lived and worked in Rodney's lab now, and because he'd worked with Rodney, fought with Rodney, known Rodney just as much as I'd known him. Their relationship mirrored ours, except that Radek still had the gilded innocence of not having watched McKay murdered.

I wanted to tell him to go away, that I wasn't ready for this conversation, but the look on his face stilled my tongue, and I moved aside, gesturing for him to come in.

He walked in, and didn't even cringe at the mess. I had plates, cups, papers, scattered everywhere. I hadn't felt much like picking up. "What's on your mind, Doc?"

"I wanted to tell you in person," he said, his accent thicker than normal.

I waved at the chair, sweeping the papers to the floor. "Sit," I ordered. He looked on the verge of collapse.

But Radek shook his head. "No," he smiled briefly. "I won't be long. I just…" he stumbled, and took a shaky breath, before rushing on, "I'm resigning from your team, Colonel."

"What?" I asked. It came out harsher than I meant, and I felt a surge of guilt when he winced. "I'm sorry," I apologized, but I was still annoyed. I took my free arm, and pushed him into the chair. "You'll be here for a while," I told him. "Now – start explaining."

He released the breath he'd been holding, and blew the air out his cheeks. "Colonel, I'm not Rodney McKay. I can't be Rodney."

I laughed, but it was short and bitter. I knew he wasn't Rodney, God, knew it more than anyone else. He shook his head, "No – it's not like that. I never meant to be a replacement."

Looking at him, sitting there, with his hands twisting within each other, the words from that damn song came back to haunt me; what have I become, my sweetest friend. I was standing here, barking at Zelenka, and making him tear himself apart over my supposed expectations.

"Damn it," I swore. "It's not you." I walked over to the desk, and leaned against it, being careful not to bump my arm. "You should know that."

His mouth pursed, and he agreed. "I do. But I need you to know that."

I'd known it, that was the problem. I'd known it too well. What he didn't get was why I hadn't wanted him on the team. I sighed, and rubbed at my eyes. "Doc, I didn't want you on my team because I have an aversion to seeing another scientist killed." I left off the heavy stuff – the 'I don't want to see your life drained till all that's left is a dried corpse'.

He nodded, and I thought he got it, till he asked. "Tell me, Colonel, if Rodney was given the choice to be on your team, all over again, would he say yes?"

"That's not fair," I protested. Rodney had liked going through the gate. He'd confessed to me one night not long into our missions, that for the first time in his life he truly felt like he was doing something.

"It is fair," he insisted. "Rodney was a big man – he knew the risks." Radek paused, and stared at me above the rims of his glasses. "As do I."

I groaned, because no, he didn't. He didn't know what was out there. It was one thing to sit in Atlantis, and hear the stories, read the mission reports – get a glimpse now and then. It was something else entirely when you held your dead friend's body, and knew everything was at an end.

"You might die out there," I said, because I couldn't say the other.

He shrugged. "I might die here."

I looked away, trying to hide the wry smile that his fearless response had elicited. He was right. Atlantis wasn't the safe haven that we'd thought initially. Zelenka had almost died once from a nanovirus. It was only when McKay hadn't died that we'd figured it out. And ironically, it'd been my actions that saved Zelenka, and Ford, and all the others infected.

"Resignation denied, Doc," I said, turning back to face him. "I'm afraid you're the only scientist I'm willing to have on my team." I shrugged apologetically. "Guess you're stuck with me."

For a minute, I thought he was going to turn me down. But then he grinned weakly, and stood. "I think some day I might regret this," he admitted. "Thank you."

I nodded. "You're welcome." As he moved to the door, I hoped to God neither of us regretted it. There was only one way I would, and that was if the day came where he died, and I lived, because I wasn't so sure I could pick myself up next time. Zelenka wasn't McKay, but in time, I figured he'd become a close friend, too. If I let him.

He left, and I turned to the empty room. "Rodney, see what you did – went and gave your scientists hero complexes."

I just hoped it wasn't the case of 'one good death deserves another'.

OoO

When Elizabeth came by later and said Radek was throwing a wake for Rodney, I stared for too long. A wake? We'd had a memorial, but that was formal, and quiet. I knew what Radek wanted to accomplish; a rip roaring party, one to truly celebrate the brash, arrogant man that McKay had been. She got up to leave, and I called without looking at her, "Stay."

She stopped.

I didn't want her to leave. I'd been alone for so long; I wanted to tell her what had happened in the cell, wanted to find out if Teyla was really helping Ronon cope like she'd promised. I wanted to find out if Lorne was talking to Kate like he'd promised me. I wanted a friend, again.

But instead, I raised my face to meet hers, and gestured at the chair. "Tell me what's happening," I asked, giving her an excuse to stay under false pretenses.

The road to normal was as long and pitted as the fall from it, even more so, if anyone was being honest. It's easy to fall. It's a lot harder to pick yourself up and continue on. I'd said a lot of things I shouldn't have, and pushed away a lot of people that had tried to help after that mission. Elizabeth was one that I'd pushed away the most. She'd assigned that mission. On her orders, we'd walked through that gate, and while logic told me she wasn't to blame, the part of me that had died along with McKay wouldn't listen to logic. I supposed I'd been blaming everyone else, but no one half as much as I blamed me.

"The city misses you, John," she said, opening up to my invitation. Shed sat, and with hands settling on her knees, she began to brief me on the latest gossip and reports.