Jenn smiled down at her tiny babies as a thousand thoughts raced through her mind. It was all so overwhelming; she wanted to laugh and cry and jump for joy and sink down into the pillows and sleep, all at the same time. She thought of Orli, telling her he'd wait if she wasn't ready to have kids, and knew now that she was, that this was what she'd been born to do. Oh, yeah. She cradled those five-pound wonders in her arms and thought of the stories she'd tell them, about how she was in labor with them for twelve hours. She imagined dressing Allyson up in little doll clothes and taking her for a walk in a stroller she had yet to buy. She imagined Nicholas trying to wrestle with his father, and Orli letting his son win, and telling him how tough he was. She imagined Orli letting Ally climb on him and sit on him and read storybooks. She imagined herself chastising Nick for being too loud with his toy cars and getting dirty when he played in the mud with his friends down the block. She could see it all playing out before her eyes, even as she sat in a stuffy hospital delivery room.
She snapped back to the present as a nurse lifted little Ally and Nick out of her arms, talking softly about an incubator for the night. Jenn was reluctant to hand over her children to a complete stranger.
The nurse in question turned to Josh, Orli and Michelle. "You'll have to leave. We're going to keep Mrs. Bloom overnight. It's a standard procedure, and I can't imagine where you'd stay."
"No," Orli said instantly. "We are not-" He began to raise his voice, feeling impatient with nurses and hospitals in general.
The nurse ushered the three outside and followed them. The door closed with a soft snap. But Jennifer found that she didn't particularly care. She was sleepy, so sleepy. And she'd have the next few years of her life to be awake, far more often than she'd like. She drifted off into pleasant dreams that she couldn't remember later.
Jenn awoke several hours later, refreshed and alone. The room was dark. She automatically reached for a light, momentarily forgetting where she was. As she recalled the events of the past sixteen hours, she stopped looking for a light. By the lack of sunlight coming through the tiny privacy window high on the wall, she estimated it to be late night or very early morning. But there was a full moon shining down on the floor at the foot of her bed, and deep, steady breathing coming from the same spot.
Jenn sat up fast, heart racing, wondering who on earth could be asleep at the foot of her little hospital bed. But even as she sat up, she realized who it must be, and almost laughed out loud.
Sure enough, Josh, Orli and Michelle were all at the foot of the bed, asleep. Jennifer silently swung her legs over the side of the bed and got up, wanting a better look at these three crazy people, whom she loved so dearly, who, apparently, would do absolutely anything they wanted to do- especially for her- never mind the decrees of the powers that were. Jenn remembered how the nurse had shooed them out of the room to try and make them leave. But any one of them on his or her own was stubborn and unmovable, and the three of them together were a formidable force not to be reckoned with. No way was a wimpy nurse marauding around and stealing Jenn's babies going to get her way over theirs. Thinking about what must have gone down while she fell asleep, Jenn almost laughed aloud again.
She tiptoed around the bed to see them better, and smiled. It made for a sweet picture: Michelle sat in between Josh and Orli, her hand laced with Josh's, and her head, for some reason Jenn would have to demand an explanation for, on Orli's shoulder. Orli had his arm across Michelle's back, and his hand rested on Josh's shoulder. Orli and Josh had their heads titled towards each other over Michelle, who, even sitting, didn't rise to either man's shoulders. Michelle was smiling happily, Josh was muttering something about sheep, and Orli was frowning slightly, as though there should have been another person on his left in that darkened hospital room.
As though he sensed her sudden wakefulness, Orli opened his eyes and smiled at Jenn. "Have a nice nap?" he whispered.
"Yeah," Jenn smiled. "You don't look that comfortable down there."
Orli waved the hand that wasn't slung across Michelle's back. "We're doing great down here. Never had a better night's sleep."
By this time Josh was awake too. "Hi," he murmured simply. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be sleeping?"
Jenn laughed softly. "I have to find a restroom," and it was true. She needed food, and water, and a bathroom, and a nice hot shower, all very soon.
"Mind if I take a walk with you?" Orli asked, attempting to get up.
"No," Jenn said quickly. "Don't wake Michelle."
"Not sleeping," Michelle muttered. Jenn rolled her eyes. Even when she wasn't awake, Michelle was determined to be obstinate.
Josh laughed softly and pulled Michelle against himself so Orli could free his arm. "Go take a walk," he told Jenn and Orli. "You deserve it."
"He's not following me into the restroom," Jenn protested. "I don't want you to have to get up…" She trailed off as Orli rose and Michelle nestled herself against her own husband. "Or you could come," she finished lamely.
Josh smiled and closed his eyes, apparently satisfied.
Jenn and Orli stepped into the hall and looked around, lost. "Do you know where the restroom is?" Jenn asked her companion.
Unfortunately for her, Orli looked just as perplexed. "Not around here. But," he added, "I can tell you exactly where the restrooms by the waiting room are."
Jenn groaned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take so long!"
Orli laughed and pulled her into a hug, his chin resting on top of her head. Life was best at these sorts of small, seemingly trivial moments, when he could still smell the lingering scent of that morning's shampoo, and feel her small body surrounding him.
They took a longer walk than they had to, both for time alone and to extend the same courtesy to Josh and Michelle. Orli's cell phone rang, but he turned it off just to give everything to the moment. Other people could wait; he was with his wife. Orli even ran out for fast food for Jenn, who refused to live on hospital food a second time. Overall, they took nearly an hour and a half walking aimlessly, laughing when they discovered they were lost and finding their way back to the maternity ward. They stumbled in, laughing over a joke that wouldn't have been funny had they been fully awake, at nearly two in the morning.
A cursory glance of the room revealed no Josh or Michelle. Orli and Jenn figured they'd gone off for their own private walk and would be back in their own good time. Nobody rushed those two. Jenn climbed back into bed and offered to share with Orli, but he declined, saying she needed her comfort, and the bed wasn't nearly big enough, anyway. He sat on the end as they talked softly of the future.
It hadn't been five minutes before the door crashed open and Josh ran noisily in, looking around in desperation, but apparently not able to see them yet in the darkness.
"Josh," Jenn called softly, "over here."
"What'd you do with-" Orli started to say, but never found the chance to ask where Michelle was. Josh rushed over toward the sounds of their voices, stumbling over something that provoked a string of curses. "I tried calling you..." he began, out of breath and frantic.
"Josh," Orli began. "Slow down. Just sit for a minute."
But something was wrong. Jennifer had never seen tranquil, composed Josh in such a panic before. She could only imagine something had happened to Michelle- but just then, Michelle came running in behind him. Her eyes were wide and frightened, but Michelle had seen some painful things before, and come out of them unscathed- physically, at least. She merely took a deep breath, forced herself to calmly say, "We may have a bit of a problem," and proceeded to pull at the sleeve of Jenn's hospital gown, nearly ripping it. Jenn, confused, simply followed Michelle out of the room and down the hall.
Jenn grew worried, imaging all the terrible things that might have happened, and wondering what could possibly be so terrible to begin with. After all, they were there, all four of them- and then she remembered. There weren't just four of them anymore. There were six, and the other two were not accounted for. She fought off the urge to panic, wishing someone would tell her what was wrong. It had to be serious, if Josh had lost it.
They arrived outside a small room moments later. Jenn, mystified, stepped inside to be greeted by a scene the likes of which could have rivaled the situations on E.R. There were no less than six people crowded around a small operating table, and Jennifer was suddenly afraid of who lay on that operating table. Looking around, she saw a similar scene across the room.
"What happened?" she heard Orli demand roughly of Michelle.
"They don't know for sure," Michelle answered, sounding far away. "They think it's something to do with the car accident in March."
"Like what? How could a car wreck… why were you in a wreck to begin with?" Orli sounded angry, almost as though he blamed Michelle.
"Orli, I can't explain this away. Nothing I say is going to make it better. If it helps, they're still optimistic." Michelle sounded neither angry nor offended, to her credit.
"Yeah? Who's optimistic?" Orli growled. Jenn knew he was trying to cover up his very real fear of this unexpected situation.
"The doctors," Michelle said simply. "Orli, it's out of your hands. Just calm down, and pray, or do something constructive. Yelling at me won't help."
Her calm tones were infuriating, but Orli knew she was right. He wasn't a terribly religious sort, although life with Jenn had begun to change that. But praying, talking to someone he couldn't see, still seemed alien to him. He tried anyway.
Hi, God. My little babies were just born a few hours ago and- well, I guess You know what's going on. You wouldn't take them from me like this, would You? Well, not even from me. I know there'll be other chances. But God, what about Jennifer? Doesn't she deserve something for all those months she was carrying these babies? And now they're finally here and You're just going to take them from us? I know You could snap Your fingers and make it better, or whatever it is You actually do. Come on, Lord. Please. He ran out of words at the end. Michelle was right. This wasn't his battle. He looked around the room with a new sort of calm as a voice in his head said, All is not lost. Have hope still. So, he did.
Jennifer, in the meantime, had slumped against the nearest wall, temporarily forgotten as Orli panicked and tried to pray. She herself was too stunned to pray. She couldn't believe nine months had led to this end. So she sat with her head in her hands, staring blankly at her knees.
Josh had already gone to speak to the doctors- for the fourth or fifth time, if Jenn could have known it. He'd been going back and forth, desperate for some kind of information, on the philosophy that knowing was better than wondering, and had been shooed away repeatedly, told that the doctors needed to focus on their delicate procedures and had no time to answer questions at the moment, which Josh found acutely unfair.
Michelle pulled Orli over to sit beside Jenn on her stretch of wall, while she herself sat on Jenn's other side. Her voice was not particularly fine, but she sang softly, almost whispering.
Yeah I know it hurtsYeah I know you're scared
Walking down the road that leads to who-knows-where
Don't you hang your head
Don't you give up yet
When courage starts to disappear
I will be right here
Michelle pulled Jenn into a one-way hug. "It'll be okay," she whispered.
But Jenn had a hard time believing her. How could it be okay? Something was very, very wrong. And the doctors wouldn't tell them anything. They just kept working diligently, and that alarmed Jenn quite as much as any news could. How bad could it be?
When your world breaks down
And the voices tell you "Turn around"
When your dreams give out
I will carry you… carry you
When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to flood your eyes
When you're falling behind
I will carry youJenn couldn't believe this was happening. It felt like she'd stepped into a dream- a nightmare, really. What had happened to her daydreams of hours before? How could she scold Nick for playing in the mud and being too noisy if he didn't live past the next few minutes? How would Ally read her storybooks with Orlando while Jenn smiled on and took pictures of them if Ally didn't survive? No, she decided, it was not happening. It wasn't happening, and therefore she didn't have to deal with it.
But five minutes later, as the doctor placed Allyson Michelle back in Jenn's arms, she knew she'd been wrong. She could deal with this. And she would, because she was still going to be the mother of a living child. Drifting slowly back to reality, she realized her face was wet with tears. But despite herself, despite still not knowing about Nick, she smiled as Allyson made a soft cooing noise in her arms. Jenn drifted into a dreamless sleep against Orli.
She woke up a half hour later and smiled to see Ally in Orli's arms. Like Jenn, Orli was still worried, but not so much that he couldn't enjoy Ally. She was so very cute, and when she gave her toothless baby smile, it made him laugh out loud.
Josh sidled up next on Jenn's other side, and sat there without saying anything. Jenn was happy: so this was how Michelle had felt, falling asleep in between them, content, protected, as though there was nothing in the world that could not be fixed as long as she was surrounded by Orli and Josh.
She glanced up to see the doctor speaking to Michelle, who was shaking her head vehemently and pointing at Jenn and Orli. The doctor gave up on her and walked over to the wall. Jenn rose immediately. "How's Nick?" she asked anxiously, almost wincing at the raw vulnerability in her voice.
The doctor's face was kindly, but grave. He gave her hand a soft squeeze before speaking. "Their names are Allyson and Nicholas, correct?" When Jennifer verified, he continued. "Allyson looks like she'll be fine. Her heart started racing out of control, but we managed to slow it down. She'll have a small problem with her left leg, meaning she may not be able to walk as early as other children, or she might need physical therapy around the time she should start walking. Other than that, she's fine." Jenn sagged with relief that something, at least, had gone right.
Orli sat still in the corner, cradling Allyson, as a thought came to him. He remembered a song that had always moved Jenn to tears… something about a man begging God for his son's life. Orli wasn't sure his first pray had gone entirely well, so instead he conjured up the words to the song.
Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight?Can you see him? Can you make it feel all right?
If you can hear me, let me take his place somehow.
See, he's not just anyone… he's my son.
Oddly, he heard that voiceless voice again. I gave you a daughter. Is that not enough? Orli sighed. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It's just that a little baby is over there dying, and he's my son. What am I supposed to do, give up on him because I have a daughter?
There was no answer.
Jenn leaned back against the wall for support as the doctor gave the diagnosis on little Nick. It was not very encouraging. Heart racing; lung collapsing; hours of delicate, painstaking surgery required; poor chance of survival without surgery; small chance even with it. Jenn sat back down, too weak to stand any longer. The passing hours were dark, bringing with them little promise.
Jenn walked uphill. It wasn't even a hill, really, just elevated land. Still, she hadn't exercised enough during her pregnancy, and so as she walked on, she felt her legs burn a little. But it felt good. Something had to burn. She'd been burning inside, raging at the world for days. She was spent. She needed something constructive to do.
Which was why she'd come out here. Orli was with her, but he lagged behind, whether to support her if she stumbled or because he was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, Jenn didn't know. She knew had hadn't been much fun to live with these past few days, but she found she really didn't care. She didn't care about much these days- they'd be leaving together for New Zealand in less than two days, but she hadn't even begun to think about packing. Ally was in Orli's arms, wrapped in a little baby blanket, but looking at her brought back memories, and not just of a dark hospital room at three in the morning. Somehow, Jenn connected Ally with the car wreck also. Looking at her baby girl hurt.
Orli still hung back as Jenn reached her destination. The walk had accumulated in a grassy little knoll perhaps a dozen feet above sea level. It had taken a drive to get to the Jersey shore, but Orli didn't mind. Orli never minded. Jenn had made her request, and he'd taken her out here without asking a single question. He really was a good husband, Jenn knew. She pulled the small ceramic jar close to her chest for a moment, lost in sorrowful memories. It was such a tiny little container for a human being. But then, Nick had been so very small. And his ashes took up even less space.
Weeping a little, she pulled the cover off the jar. Jenn wasn't worried about keeping clean; she reached right in. The ashes clung to her hand, staining it black like Nick's death had stained her heart. She pulled the ashes out, clenched them tightly to her heart, and then stretched her hand over the ocean, and released. It would have been unbearable to look at that little jar in her house every day and think of her infant son inside. No, this way his body could float on the water, out in the open. It was the only way she would have it, and Orli had raised no objections. She held her hand out over the ocean like there was no tomorrow. But still the ashes clung to her, and her tears drew pale streaks against all the black, and that was okay.
"I don't want to see her," Jenn told Orli.
He looked surprised. "But she's your best friend."
Jenn shrugged. "So?"
"So why wouldn't you want to see her?" Poor Orli, he didn't understand. Jenn felt sorry for him. She should explain.
"Do you know why Nick died?" she asked instead.
Orli still looked surprised. "Because his heart raced out of control and a lung collapsed. They couldn't fix that in time."
"And do you know why his heart raced out of control and a lung collapsed?" Jenn asked patiently.
"Because you were in a car wreck in March," Orli answered automatically. He gasped as he realized the significance of what he'd said. "You're not serious."
Jenn shrugged again.
Orli tried once more. "Jennifer, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. There's no one to blame for that." He cradled Ally against his chest; she sucked happily on a bottle that he held in his other hand.
"Maybe things could have been a little different," Jenn said simply, too tired to try and explain. Part of her knew she was being irrational, but most of her only knew that her baby had died.
"Different how? They both could've died, Jenn." The voice wasn't Orli's. Jenn shouldn't have been surprised that Michelle had simply walked into the house, as she'd done hundreds of times before. Now Michelle sat down in a chair directly opposite Jenn, who avoided her steady green gaze. Orli offered little Ally to Michelle; clearly he was tired of holding her.
Michelle pulled Ally into her arms and leaned forward to stare at Jenn until Jenn reluctantly met her gaze. "Do you think I haven't had so many nightmares about the wreck? Do you think I've never wondered if there was something different I could have done? Do you think I never once believed the wreck was my fault?" Jenn was surprised by her anguished tone; Michelle had never voiced these feelings. She'd seemed to completely shrug off the fact of the accident. Jenn told her as much.
Michelle leaned back and shrugged. "I don't show it as much, Jennifer. That's different. I can't change what happened any more than I can get rid of the haunting thought that maybe it's my fault your son is dead." Jenn flinched at the word, but Michelle ploughed on, "I've barely slept in days. That thought keeps me up. Seeing you like this tears me up. It tears up Orli, and Josh, because we're sitting back and watching you hurt, but you want to be unreachable, and you won't let any of us help." Tears were filling her eyes as she spoke. "I know you blame me. But I also know you know better than that. Some things just aren't meant to be, Jennifer, and I'm sorry this wasn't, but you have to believe that nobody could have changed this." She leaned forward again, her intensity astonishing. "When we were younger, every time I teased you and said you were a pessimist, you always told me you weren't. So prove it. You didn't walk out of that hospital with nothing. Don't you think it's time you remembered that?" She handed over Ally, and Jenn took her, dazed.
"Thank you," she whispered, and laughed suddenly. It was a genuine laugh, the likes of which she hadn't expected to hear out of herself for a long, long time. "I needed someone to bite my ass off."
Michelle smiled too, and pointed at Ally. "Don't let your daughter hear you saying bad words."
And Jenn laughed again. She knew nothing would bring her son back, and for that she would always hurt. But she had a daughter, too, and for that she would always thank God. She stood up to get more milk from the kitchen and she knew it would be fine.