The button was just inches away. And yet it seemed like miles. Nothing moved in the darkness; not a speck of dust disrupted the stillness. It was quiet…so quiet…was it because of what had happened? Or was it because she had just cut ties with the only home she had ever known?
Terra stood staring at the door. She was at the end of the hallway. She couldn't go forward without pushing the button to open the door. That much was obvious. And yet it was harder than she could ever have imagined.
The earth-shifter's arms hung lifeless at her sides. Sweat glistened down the back of her neck, despite the small chills that seized her now and then. All she could do was stare at the seemingly plain slate of metal dividing discord from uncertainty.
Some of the fire that had been kindled during her shouting match with Beast Boy was still alive. It was like a brand that still smoked on her charred skin. I'm not wanted here, it burned in her chest. There's no point in staying.
And yet there she was, standing in the dark, not moving. The silence pounded her eardrums worse than any sound could. She strained her ears for any kind of sound; a shout, a reprimand, a sob, even that of a fly buzzing. There was none to be heard.
Terra started suddenly. The situation was too recognizable. It was like remembering a dream you have one time too many, only to forget it the moment you wake up. This was familiar, this had happened before…
Terra recalled standing this way, alone in her room, when she had arrived at the Tower the day before. Her sapphire eyes softened; she felt goose bumps popping up on her skin. Years separated her from that memory. Back then she almost wished she hadn't arrived; it was a scornful mix-up, akin to interrupting a private gathering. How could she face everyone after what she had done? And now…the circumstances were almost the same.
Terra bit her lip to keep from crying out. How different things had seemed, had been back then! The Titans were all there, even that…the sorceress. They were all supportive, ready to offer a hand, to pick her up one last time; that pair of emerald eyes full of joy and trust…
Terra shook her head, dispelling her thoughts. She regained some feeling in her stiff knees with effort. Her eyes hardened. Affirming her resolve, she pushed the button and exited the tower.
Outside, the weather had winded down a bit. There was no more thunder to be heard, but the sky was still saturated with clouds and black as pitch. The air was frosty, and the wind blew when you were least prepared for it, whistling through the trees. However, a heaviness hung in the atmosphere, merely another tangible darkness, deep and thick enough to seep into the throat and lungs of its victim, drowning it in despair.
Terra summoned a block of earth near the edge of Titan Island. She jumped on the boulder nimbly, and was about to take off, but something stopped her. She knew in her heart that no matter how angry and bitter she was, she couldn't leave without one last look. Terra breathed deeply, and with effort kept her lower lip from trembling. She turned around for a last look of Titan's Tower. The sight hit her like a ton of bricks.
There it was; the same big T, warm and welcoming, offering protection from the figurative storm. Terra felt lightheaded; could she walk away again?
"It's not like I haven't done it before," she muttered under her breath, attempting a chuckle, which died in her throat. Her eyes remained lock on the building. Something welled inside of her at that moment; it went beyond loneliness and dismay. This feeling seemed to come from her very core; she felt an indefinite physical pain at the mere thought of being on the move again.
It wasn't like the other times. She had left places she considered "home" more than once. But now, she felt a panic rising within her. With a rush of fear, she realized what was the matter; it was more than a feeling, it was an instinct, which told her that if she left, she would not survive.
Terra had never doubted her ability to stay alive. She recalled being forced, more than once, to live in what others would consider inhospitable places, such as in caves, under bridges, the works. But this had nothing to do with physical needs. It seemed new and well-known at the same time. She had felt it once, but when? The decision to leave was shifting her world; an earthquake of a magnitude she could never summon up was taking place in the very foundations of her being.
No…I can't stay…
No, no…
This has to be done.
She came back from the edge; she felt slightly drunk.
The earth-shifter blinked several times to distort her vision of the T. Using her powers, before any more spells could occur, she shifted the boulder 180 degrees and disappeared into the night.
The streets of Jump City were usually bright and cheery during the day, with the occasional exception of destructive monsters and dangerous burglaries. But at night, it was a different matter. A cold wind blew discarded newspapers around in an ominous fashion; the quiet here was different than from back in the Tower. That had been stifling and unnerving. This was an uneasy silence, haunted by a specter of an indescribable nature.
The boulder hovered slowly over the abandoned streets. Terra looked around. The movie of her life was replaying: in her mind's eye, she saw a manipulated henchman, floating through the fog, sweeping through the same path, scanning the area for any fool who would dare threaten Slade's ascension to power. The apprentice's eyes were jaded; her mouth was set, every muscle tight, ready to respond to the slightest, unnatural wavering of the mist.
Terra could feel her insides twisting, the bones in her fingers grinding against each other in her gloves. It was impossible to express how much she hated that figure, a figure she was tied to, impossible to escape from. That figure summed up the lowest kind of degeneracy she thought imaginable. Self-loathing and guilt merged together into a noose that tightened around her neck, making her dizzy with abhorrence. She knew it was a part of her; it made her despise it all the more. All she could feel for that person was revulsion.
But that feeling didn't remain. The gloom made it's presence known again, and began to pivot around her. Soon, the aggressiveness faded away.
Terra's gaze at non-existent entities slowly dropped; she stared at the ground. Her shoulders sagged under an unknown weight. Her stiff knees buckled faintly. The rock kept carrying her forward, and she let it lead her wherever it wished.
With every inch it advanced, she was drained of a painful feeling, a cold resentment. She continued to watch the asphalt as she followed her unknown path. The distant sounds of the city night began to fade along with her emotions. The dizzying spiral of guilt and self-loathing began to shrink.
Vaguely, she wondered what was happening. It was like she had submerged into a deep pool, and was slowly leaving the cruel, bitter world behind her. It wasn't real, it was merely a dream.
She could feel an emptiness growing in the pit of her stomach. She welcomed it. It smothered the former feeling of apprehension. It was as if she had entered the eye of the storm. There was an eerie silence about her…but instinct told her shrapnel could strike her at any moment.
Her taut muscles relaxed gently. There was no fear, no desperation. There's no point, she thought blankly. She smiled strangely, her eyes half open, mocking herself.
Anything, anything is better than remembering.
She opened her arms, as though welcoming a long-lost friend. Her body began to blend with the vacant nothingness of the shadows surrounding her. She embraced the peace bestowed upon her. Yes, this was what she must do: forget, simply wave away the past, and forget it…
The changeling grabbed Terra's arms and shook her. "WHY DO YOU HURT THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU?"
Terra's eyes faltered slightly. The emptiness in her wavered a bit. She lowered her arms bemusedly, confused. The memory hadn't completely shattered the void; but she could tell it was cracked. Something was trying to break through the surface, penetrating the smooth, calm waters of her subconscious.
She frowned absentmindedly; it was disrupting the stillness. A beat from an unknown drum began to pound. A question kept pulsing inside of her, echoing in the empty depths of her spirit, softly at first, but slowly gaining strength. It was inescapable, unavoidable: Why?
One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your friends…
Her friend…that's right. Beast Boy was her friend. Her first real friend. Her only real friend.
The dreamy feeling began to leave her. A fog, oddly reminiscent, began to creep onto the streets, until she could hardly see two feet in front of her. The moisture from it clung to the skin on her face; it felt cool against her warm forehead. She felt more detached from the outside world than ever.
And yet consciousness, pain-ridden and agonizing consciousness was pouring in too rapidly for her to stem the flow. The walls that took years to erect could not be brought back up in time. The awful truth was unavoidable.
Her powers…Terra cursed the power she harnessed within her. To others, it was an inhuman ability, a god-like attribute, something only possible in power-hungry fantasies. To her, it was a rift, a gorge that separated her from the rest of humanity. It was too powerful, too uncontrollable…and so she had no choice.
"I had no choice!" she murmured to herself, her voice cracking slightly from lack of use, the harsh sounds it produced swallowed up by the night.
"I had to run, I had to leave…it was for everyone's good." She said it like a mantra; a personal invocation of numbness, protecting her from something too hard to contemplate.
Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else
Didn't even wanna admit it to yourself
No…She shook her head, clearing it swiftly. No, she had to do it. There was no one to confide in, no one to tell the truth to. It was too hard to face it, and how could she guarantee anyone's safety? No, it was better to leave, and start anew someplace else. That way, no one would get hurt. No one.
The memories burned holes into her mind…
Years of isolation, years of trying and failing. Years of occasionally achieving minor successes, which were never enough to cushion the blow of the next disappointment. Years; days, months and years of falling, of picking herself back up, to keep running, to always keep on running…no matter what.
And now your chest burns and your back aches
From 15 years of holding the pain
Terra bowed her head. Her vision had cleared a bit. Her body was suspended in the void. She listened to the ghostly silence of the lonely city…a city that had seen her sneak back and forth, from Titan's Tower to an evil, underground lair. Every night creeping, every night descending into it's depth, swallowed up by the pitiless darkness, whispering, looking over her shoulder, feeling hunted. Every night cowering under the cold, unflinching grey eye, as pain lashed her and made her body rack with sobs. Every night, the unforgiving hardness of the floor, the panic caused from hearing heavy footsteps, the absolute relief of a moment's rest dashed by the dread of when it would end…It's for the best, she thought constantly. This way, it's under control. This way…no one gets hurt. No one…
With time, the wounds healed. The hard floor was replaced by a stiff cot. Her techniques improved, and the fear of being consumed by tons of earth, or a heartless man's sadism, diminished. Soon she was challenged by more difficult tasks, which she slowly began to accomplish with ease. And yet…the fear never went away. Physical demons gave way to emotional ones. She would still wake up at night, drenched in cold sweat, hyperventilating, questioning the agonizing methods.
Was it the only path? How could such hatred and suffering produce anything positive? Now, removed from glaring reality, Terra surrendered to the one instinct she had refused to acknowledge, the one she had buried under indefinite stretches of trials and anguish; she let the one thought that wasn't allowed in her mind to present itself: Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do, for anyone.
And now you only have yourself to blame
If you continue to live this way
With that, she came back from the brink. Terra gasped as her eyes sprang backed to awareness; she felt as though she had dunked her head in ice cold water. Her shoulders were shaking uncontrollably. She hugged herself, trying to make it stop.
She realized the rock had descended; it lay in the middle of the street. The fog was receding slowly, as if giving her the chance to catch up with it. A slight pain in her legs made her realize she had fallen to her knees. She bowed her head, golden locks covering her face, curtains signaling the end of the play. She felt an urgent wish for the pain to just go away.
"But that's just it," she murmured softly, the words echoing into the emptiness. She closed her aching eyes. "It won't."
In that agonizing moment, Terra saw the truth flash before her eyes. The questions that had plagued her for months no longer seemed inconceivable. Beast Boy image flashed before her eyes once more.
"It wasn't necessary," she whispered to herself. "All that…it didn't need to happen."
Beast Boy, welcoming her as no one had before; how could she suspect him of betrayal? She thought of her reflections the night before. She knew now, with all her heart, that B.B. had never betrayed her trust, had never done her wrong.
"I should have stayed…maybe none of this would have happened."
Tears leaked from those cobalt eyes. Terra scrunched up her eyes, still fighting to keep them back. She hugged herself tighter, struggling to stem the flow of emotions those simple thoughts had triggered. It lasted only a minute, but in that minute, a lifetime of hardships rang out, bouncing off the vacuum of hopelessness.
And yet, all was not lost. Somewhere within her, a voice was shaking it's head.
No, it said. It's no use thinking this way. Regrets won't change what you've done.
Slowly, Terra's small shoulders ceased to shake. The tears ceased to flow. From the inner depths of her heart, she breathed deeply, and emitted a pent-up, long overdue sigh. With it came a sensation of peace she had not felt since God knows when.
You have to heal your heart
Terra lifted her head. The fog had lifted. She glanced up; as if on cue, the smoky black clouds that had seemed to dominate the sky since the beginning cleared to reveal a brilliant full moon.
The moonlight revived her a bit. Shakily, she got to her feet. Exhaustion seeped in from every pore. And yet, she felt strangely light; a weary burden had finally been lifted from her shoulders. She knew she had a long way to go before things could be set right, but it didn't seem to matter at that moment. It could be done. She could put things right.
Life is a choice you make
You can give or you can take
An unbelievable relief swept through her. It was so simple…The truth had set her free.
"The pain won't go away. But maybe…just maybe…with some help, I can put it behind me…"
She was filled with a fresh hope. There was also fear; she didn't know where to go from here. But she no longer thought the path didn't exist. She had almost treaded it before, without realizing it…
Suddenly, a thought stabbed at her consciousness. The Titans…once again, she had left their home, leaving it in emotional disarray. How much more harm could she cause them? She could feel the guilt welling up inside of her, threatening to overwhelm her.
"No."
With a power Terra never knew she had, she stood up straight, and turned back.
"No…no, it doesn't have to be that way…not this time."
She had found the freedom; she knew that the answers to her lost questions were not in an uncertain life of wandering…it was back at the tower, the only place she had ever called home.
The Titans had always tried to help; it had never been enough, because she hadn't been willing to help herself. What would she be if she hurt them again, left them behind again?
She couldn't permit that, she couldn't sink that low. Somehow, Terra knew that this was a key to her eventual recovery.
No matter what anybody says
What matters most is what you think
of yourself
Slowly gaining strength, Terra took one step, then another, then another; slowly, but surely, making her way back to Titan's Tower, back to her friends, back to her home, back to her life.
Get it together