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Thane pressed the button to close the elevator doors with great reluctance. Leaving Juniper sleeping had been an effort of supreme will. He had stood watching her sleep for long minutes, the blue light of the aquarium, so like that of Kahje, playing across her face, knowing that he was among a very small number of people ever to see J.R. Shepard so completely at ease, lying there sprawled on the bed, the sheets bunched around her knees with her shapely bare feet sticking out, her hair unbound and covering her face in a messy tangle. Utterly disheveled, vulnerable, she tugged at his heart even as the sight of her skin so barely covered by the sheet had reawakened his desire.

But the night had been long, and she needed her sleep—and he needed a moment away to breathe, to consider what he had done and find the strength needed to go forward. Because forward he must go. Having been with her so intimately, he could not fall into his battle sleep again. He was awake now, whole, and there was no turning back from it. But he was as shamefully frightened of the pain, the knowledge that he only had a brief time with her, as he had been before. Somehow he must find a way to live with both the fear and the joy together and not let the former diminish the latter.

In his quarters, he found the light on his small personal terminal blinking at him, letting him know he had a new message, and he paused in the first of what would no doubt be many relivings of the past night's memories to look at it.

All thoughts of desire left him when he saw his son's name in the sender line. He clicked on the message, his heart in his throat. What would Kolyat say? Was he still angry?

Father-

I remember my mother, too, apparently more vividly than you do. You seem to think her life was all joy and laughter, but only because that's what she chose to show you. I was there for the loneliness, the tears, the anger at being constantly alone and without you. Perhaps you think I wasn't old enough to understand, but when a boy watches his mother weep often enough, he begins to learn what makes her cry. It was almost always you.

On the other hand, I agree with you that our current estrangement would make her weep more bitter tears than any she shed in her loneliness. The illusion that we were a happy family when you came home on your brief visits was very important to her. And so, for her sake, I will be honest with you, but I will give you the benefit of whatever doubt I can muster.

Your old friend Mouse came to see me recently, and he spoke of you. He remembers you fondly, and feels he owes you a debt, that you gave him the means to survive what appears to have been a brutal childhood. It was nice to see that side of you. I wonder if his comparative need and my normalcy made your heart more tender toward him than it was toward me? Or perhaps because he was not your son, you gave him the gift of your attention without expectation? I have never been certain what you expected of me, but I always felt that it was more than I was capable of. Listening to Captain Bailey, I wonder if all you truly wished was for me to make more of my life than you made of yours, and that, at least, I can attempt to do.

Captain Bailey has been very good to me, and I will strive to be worthy of the risks he has taken on my behalf. He has impressed on me that it is a good thing that you and Commander Shepard are attempting to do, and I hope you are able to accomplish it … and, yes, that you return from it.

Take care of yourself.

Kolyat

Thane blinked back tears, reading the message over again, although he had no need to, as he already carried its words indelibly printed on his mind and heart. Kolyat was no doubt right about Irikah. She had kept her true emotions from Thane, not wanting to burden him. Or, he wondered now, was it that she hadn't trusted him to care enough to make the changes she needed? In a strange way, his certainty of the truth of his son's assertions softened the hurt of them. He deserved every word.

And Kolyat was finding his way on the Citadel, making a path for himself. Thane paused for a moment to ask Amonkira to watch over Bailey, who was doing a difficult job on the Citadel with a great deal of honor, and was taking on Thane's own work with Kolyat as well.

Yes. Thane could go through the Omega 4 relay in peace now, knowing he had left his son as well off as he could reasonably have expected to.

That would have been enough last week, or last month. Or yesterday. But today—today he was Juniper Shepard's lover, and he wanted oh, so many more days, months, weeks, years with her than he could ever possibly hope for, even with the best prognosis, even if they somehow survived the assault on the Collector base.

Juniper had told him that she wasn't afraid to die. Since she had already died, he took some comfort from that—clearly the experience hadn't been one to fear. But more remarkable to him was that she was equally unafraid of living, and completely unconcerned with the length of time ahead of her. She lived each day simultaneously as though it was her last, each task the most important of her life, and as though she had an asari's lifespan ahead of her, thinking for the future and working toward it. That was a strength Thane didn't understand and couldn't hope to aspire to … but he hoped that he could act as though he possessed enough to be worthy of her. Perhaps in time the deception could become the reality.