Chapter 5: The Vast Ramen Conspiracy
Warning: Nonfic stuff continues until the bold message that was put there for the convenience of people who don't want to read all the stuff in this chapter that is not part of the fic. Most of the space is taken up by descriptions of the OCs, who, if you pay attention, you will discover are actually people. As in, they live on the same planet as you. Now there's something to keep you up at night.
"I see these children with their boredom and their vacant stares..." That may have described readers who don't know my friends after reading that last chapter. (Thanks selle18 for warning me!) Sorry if you were one of the vacant starers, but I plan to include my friends at least a few more times over the course of the fic. (The line in quotes, by the way, is from "No Man's Land", one of two Billy Joel songs my songfic-loving mind has associated with Dune. The other is "The Stranger", which goes perfectly with Alia in Children of Dune.) So I'll tell you about my friends here so you can have some idea of the people I'm writing about: (Further explanations will be put in the pre-fic author notes of the chapters they are needed in.)
Malia: Today in English class, we agreed that the people who wrote myths where girls are beautiful and delicate and boys are unruly obviously didn't know her. She has a habit of growling when angered. She's also proven herself able to consume endless amounts of ramen and soba noodles. Most of all, she happens to be the most productive artist in our group. She is currently drawing a comic called "The Insanity Talk Show", which I mentioned briefly in the last chap, so I'll explain it here. There's a show, the hosts are Malia, Hannah, and an OC, and various people appear as guests. The mentioned episode featured Anna, Kitty, and Pat(a member of our school's anime club), and the latter got beat up with mallets by the two others, who then had Red Bull to celebrate. This was the inspiration for the ending of the last chapter. The only thing that still needs to be said about Malia is that she's a Kakashi fan.
Anna and Kitty: Vampires. Randomness. Sound nin headbands. That's pretty much it. I myself have never seen them on Red Bull and I hope it stays that way. In case you don't know what Red Bull is: It's pure caffeine, that's what it is! And I don't know about Kitty, but Anna certainly doesn't need it. Might as well mention here: We tell Kitty she loves Grima Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings. She insists that she doesn't love him and doesn't hate him. We tell her she's in denial. She denies she's in denial. If you need any more evidence that our whole club needs help: We don't call him Wormtongue. We call him Grima Mushroom! Then when we get tired of arguing about Grima, we debate Kitty's suggestion that Ed "McElric" from Full Metal Alchemist is Irish. Yeah, we definitely need help.
Hannah: Everything you need to know about her can be summed up in four words: Loves Gaara, Hates Pink. It might also be useful to know that she likes certain songs on my iPod (I can count them on one hand), so she hogs it whenever she gets the chance. Her favorite of these songs include a Swedish rapper called Markoolio, and "That's My New Philosophy" from the musical "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown". In a way, she's more dangerous than Malia because there are so many things that drive her nuts, such as hearing any of us say "Believe it!" in any context(apparently the only dubbed voice she's ever liked was Gaara.) And sometimes she's nuts without anything having to drive her. And I almost forgot: She likes explosions. And songs about monkeys named Bob. And I owe her the chance to be in this story because she makes up exactly 50 of my reviewers.
On an unrelated note: I'm serious about abridging the scenes this time!
The Nonfic stuff ends here.
Since Iruka was unable to finish the scene, the play skipped to the entrance of Dr. Yueh. As Hyuuga Neji stepped onto the stage, his fangirls leaped as one upon the fangirls involved in the Iruka auction and silenced them.
Well, thought Julia in the wings, that worked like a charm. (A/N: Yes, I confess to stealing that line from The Insanity Talk Show!)
"You'll be happy to hear we haven't time for regular lessons today." Neji's tone indicated that the hilarious scene that had just unfolded had left him in what could almost be called a good mood. "Your father will be along presently."
Naruto looked up hopefully.
"However," Neji continued, "I've arranged for you to have a filmbook viewer and several lessons during the crossing to Arrakis. You'll be studying the planet's terranic life forms. Before I go, I've a gift for you, something I came across in packing." He took out a tiny device, which from the audience could not be seen for what it was, a small snakebite kit that had been dressed up by the props department. (AN(Dropping the , too troublesome, as Shika would say): We have a props department! I'm splitting up the interrobang in the last sentence, let's see if it makes it. BTW, I just pictured the device as looking like a snakebite kit, so in the fic, it is.) "It's a very old Orange Catholic Bible made for space travelers. Not a filmbook, but actually printed on filament paper. It has its own magnifier and electrostatic charge system. The book is held closed by the charge, which forces against spring-locked covers. You press the edge--thus, and the pages you've selected repel each other and the book opens."
"It's so small," answered Naruto, staring blankly at the one example of cool technology he'd seen so far in the play, which was supposed to be science fiction. Well, except for the box used in the test. Apparently he'd been too busy acting out being in pain to notice.
"But it has eighteen hundred pages. You press the edge--thus, and so... and the charge moves ahead one page at a time as you read. Try it." The device was handed over to the eager blond.
As Naruto became absorbed in the tiny "Bible", Neji stage-whispered to the audience so it was clear that Naruto could not hear. "I salve my own conscience. I give him the surcease of religion before betraying him."
Naruto, apparently still clueless as he was supposed to be, interrupted, saying, "This must have been made before filmbooks."
"It's quite old. Let it be our secret, eh? Your parents might think it too valuable for one so young. Open it to four-sixty-seven Kalima--where it says 'From water does all life begin.' There's a slight notch on the edge of the cover to mark the place. Read it aloud."
Naruto pretended to do something with the snakebite kit, and started reciting. "Think you of the fact that a deaf person cannot hear. Then, what deafness may we not all possess? What senses do we lack that we cannot see and cannot hear another world all around us? What is there around us that we cannot--" He looked up to see Neji in a controlled panic. "Is something wrong?"
"I'm sorry. That was... my... dead wife's favorite passage. It's not the one I intended you to read. It brings up memories that are... painful."
Neji then hurriedly changed the subject. "Your father will be here any minute. Put the book away and read it at your leisure."
Naruto put the "book" away. "I thank you for the gift, Dr. Yueh. It will be our secret. If there is a gift or favor you wish from me, please do not hesitate to ask." (AN: Books should be edited by making the editors copy the book word for word. I'm catching so many mistakes this way. At least I think they're mistakes. The original said "gift of favor", but "or" makes more sense. At least I get to rub it in for poor Itachi:P)
"I... need for nothing," answered Neji. He turned and hurriedly left the stage. Naruto looked after him, clearly wondering What's with him?
:(AN: This is the new way of marking scene breaks.)
In the next scene, Sasuke made his entrance at last. He wore a black costume with the red Atreides hawk on it. A fangirl or two had to be kicked out for uninhibited drooling.
He didn't care. He looked boldly at Naruto and said, "Hard at work, Son?"
"Not very hard," answered Naruto. "Everything's so..." He trailed off and shrugged, as scripted.
"Yes. Well, tomorrow we leave. It'll be good to get settled in our new home, put all this upset behind."
"Father," answered Naruto, still making it evident that he hated having to say the word, "will Arrakis be as dangerous as everyone says?"
"It'll be dangerous."
They continued the conversation. Rather than type it, I will simply tell you that it involved plans for allying themselves with the Fremen, the desert people of Arrakis(which if you hadn't figured out, is nicknamed Dune, hence the title of the book.) and how the Harkonnens were stockpiling spice, intending for spice production to fail and blame to fall on the Atreides. Then, in an abrupt subject change, they ended up talking about the Spacing Guild which would transport them to Dune and why nobody had ever seen the mysterious Guildsmen who reportedly steered the giant spaceships.
"Do you think they hide because they've mutated and don't look... human anymore?"
The casting department, aka Julia, cast an appraising look at Kisame.
(AN: I don't think I'll end up doing Dune Messiah/Children of Dune, but I do want to see Kisame playing a Guild navigator. They are described as looking as much like fish as like humans, so A: No human being besides Kisame could look the part and B: Kisame could not look the part of any other human being.)
The next scene began with Temari alone on a new set, a different royal house that gave the impression of having an overabundance of empty, echoing space. She was surrounded by piles of boxes, crates, and cases, some open and spilling packing material onto the stage. The fake window now showed a view of a bustling, dust-colored desert city. This was to represent the city of Arrakeen, but in fact, it was based on Suna, because it had been painted by the Sand Siblings. The paint was still wet; the project had taken longer than expected because instead of painting the scenery as they were supposed to, Kankuro and Temari had been splattering each other with paint while Gaara took time out to watch them.
While the authoress was reminiscing about the Sand Sibs' all-out paint fight, Temari was unwrapping a painting from one of the boxes. She looked at it and said, "This is the Duke's father. Why did I unwrap it first?"
"Here we are!" She turned around to see who had spoken. It was Sasuke. "I thought you might have lost yourself in this hideous place."
What followed was a one-on-one conversation that, both of them being good actors, caused many contented sighs from lovers of random and unlikely pairings. Sadly, it was judged not important enough to type up, since this chapter was about a week late anyway.
Meanwhile, backstage...
"You know, Julia, I still can't believe you gave up the chance to take the whole Anime Club out to ramen!"
"Malia, you tried to auction off an actor!"
"Hey, we could have been rich!"
"But... well... You could have at least waited until the play was over!"
"Yeah, but then all the characters would be leaving and it would be harder to catch them."
"Well... I guess you're right, but still..."
"Come on, it was ramen! Raaaameeeen!"
Seeing her friend could not be reasoned with, Julia looked around to make sure nobody was listening, then whispered, "Malia, there's something I want to show you. Actually, let's find Hannah and show her too."
They set off looking for Hannah. (Malia was actually also looking for some sign of her favorite silver-haired sensei too.) Eventually they found her setting out camp outside Gaara's room, humming "That's My New Philosophy" with her eyes closed in musical rapture.
"Hannah," said Malia loudly, interrupting her, "Julia has something she wants to show us, so come on so we can get this over with."
"No," said Hannah cheerfully. "No. No. No."
The other two girls stared at her.
"That's your new philosophy, huh?" continued Hannah. She then answered herself, "Yes--I mean no!" She started singing. "Just like a busy bee, each new philosophy--"
"HANNAH! PAY ATTENTION TO US!" yelled Malia, slapping Hannah on the back of the head for good measure.
"Heeeey!" replied Hannah, turning to face Malia.
Julia stepped in before things could get any worse. "Look, I'm going to show you the reason why I turned down the ramen offer."
"I thought it was because Malia was trying to auction off your actors," answered Hannah.
"Well..." said Julia in reply, "It was that, but there's another reason! Come see!"
She took her friends' hands and led them to a door that somehow they hadn't noticed before. She took out a key and unlocked the door. It led to a small room in which lay... another key.
Taking that key, Julia then dragged her friends to another previously unnoticed door. She theatrically unlocked this door and slowly opened it. Her friends stepped in...
...and found themselves in a HUGE storeroom with rows and rows of shelves that were completely filled with, what else, ramen packs.
Hannah and Malia both had that kind of facial expression that can only be described by an emoticon, namely O.O (AN: I've always wanted to do one of those!)
Then they turned on Julia.
"Why do you have all the ramen locked up here?" asked Malia.
"Yeah, and where did you get all this ramen anyway?" asked Hannah.
Julia smiled. "I'm the author, so all I have to do is write about a secret room full of ramen and here it is! And it's locked up so that A: You guys can't go ramen-crazy while I'm not there and B: Naruto doesn't find it. Well, really it's so none of the characters find it, but Naruto is the one I'm worried about most."
In fact, at the moment Naruto was watching them through the door, which they had left ajar after going to all the trouble of locking it with a key that was locked behind another door that required yet another key. (AN: I was thinking of having a third door, but...)
"WHAT? They hid all the ramen from me? This is a conspiracy! I WILL have revenge!" And with that, he stole a few nearby ramen packs and slunk off to plot the downfall of the Vast Ramen Conspiracy.
AN: PROCRASTINATORS OF THE WORLD UNITE! ... Maybe tomorrow? Yeah, I know, after saying I'd do a chapter a week, this one took two weeks. My writing has been suffering from what I'm calling "writer's block" (coughlazinesscough). I blame this partially on boredom, because when I'm supposed to be writing I'm actually thinking about random things to add in later chapters. So my next update will be an Extra-Random Bonus Chapter, to get it out of my system. There will be crossovers, more of my friends, and absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of the plot (that's why I'm calling it a bonus chapter). After that I'll try to go back to Dune, once I've gotten rid of the quote-unquote "writer's block".