Extra Random Bonus Chapter
This is called a "Bonus Chapter" because it has nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the rest of the plot. If you don't understand a thing, it doesn't matter, I just have these ideas in my head and want them published. As far as I can tell, all that needs to be explained is: Malia hates Misa from the manga Death Note. Hannah, on the other hand, argues with Malia all the time in Misa's defense. And Kitty still thinks Ed Elric is Irish and his name should be "McElric". In fact, she now also thinks that Ed is really herself in disguise. And I can't forget the disclaimer: I have no idea why you'd think I own Death Note or Full Metal Alchemist. In fact, I had to beg Malia just for the chance to read volume 4 of DN, and my knowledge of FMA is almost completely restricted to what I hear my friends talking about at lunchtime. (This is why I knew about Gaara and Kakashi even before I had been exposed to anything else Naruto-related. It came from spending a semester of art class with Malia and Hannah.) And no, I don't own my friends either. Or so they think...
Anyway, here's the promised bonus chap. Let the randomness begin!
As Naruto left the Room of Ramen Wonders, he was pondering how in the world the director had managed to hide a huge room full of ramen, not only from him but from every ninja on the set. Why didn't I notice that door before? What else could she be hiding?
Determined to uncover the answers, Naruto set out to explore the mysterious place the cast was being kept in. He kept his eyes peeled for more doors that hadn't been noticed, hoping to find another ramen treasure trove.
Instead, he found himself turning into a hallway that, predictably, he hadn't noticed was there. This hallway is really creepy, he thought. It reminds me of the one leading to Kyuubi's cage... But this hall didn't have the same sewer-like appearance as the demon's prison. It was the supernatural aura that was similar.
Naruto looked up to see a large banner strung across the ceiling. The huge letters painted on it said CROSSOVERS. Beyond the banner were doors. Lots of doors. Doors and doors and doors as far as he could see, and he got the impression that they went on forever.
I've got to uncover the conspiracy. I can't turn back now. He slowly walked down the great, echoing hall of doors. Most of the doors were closed, except for one that was marked REALITY. Naruto peered in and saw what would appear to be a girl's bedroom. The director was sitting at a desk, typing on a computer. She was listening to an iPod nano at the same time, and was singing softly to herself.
Naruto turned away from that door and turned to a smaller one. Unlike all the others, this one was unmarked. He turned the knob and the door opened to reveal a seemingly empty closet. Naruto turned, and headed off toward the other doors without closing it.
Meanwhile...
Julia, Hannah, and Malia had finished exploring the Room of Ramen Wonders. As they left, Hannah began singing (again).
"I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try...What could I do?...My baby's fun had gone...And left my baby blue...Nobody knew... What kind of magic spell to use...Slime and snails...or puppy dogs' tails...Thunder and lightning...Something frightening?...Then baby said..."
Suddenly Kimimaro appeared out of nowhere and joined Hannah in singing. "Dance the magic dance(Dance, magic dance)...Dance the magic dance(Dance, magic dance)...Put that baby spell on me...Jump the magic jump(Jump, magic jump)...Jump the magic jump(Jump, magic jump)...Put that magic jump on me...Slap that baby, make him free!"
Julia and Malia's facial expressions at that point can be approximated by the following: O.O Their thoughts can be described as a series of interrobangs about the length of this chapter.
Finally they took a break from staring blankly at Hannah and Kimi(Yes, as hypocritical as it may seem, I'm using Hannah's nickname for him) long enough to turn to each other. At long last Julia spoke over the insane singing of the Otonin Five member and the hyper fourteen-year-old they were pretending they didn't know.
"Do you know what this means?"
"The Apocalypse is coming?" guessed Malia.
"No."
Malia thought a while about what this could signify, if not the bitter flowers of Heaven being released upon the earth. (AN: Sorry, couldn't help it. Malia's first and middle names mean "bitter flowers from heaven". So I think we should be more worried about "bitter flowers from heaven" being unleashed on an unsuspecting Kakashi)
"Kimimaro is just as insane as Hannah?" Malia suggested.
"Well..." answered Julia, "it could be that, I guess. But I think I have a more reasonable explanation. Someone must have opened the Closet of Randomness! We'd better go see who did it and make sure they don't cause any more trouble."
"Fine," replied Malia. "Should we bring them?" she asked, gesturing at the strange duet.
They turned back to: Hannah and Kimi, LIVE from outside the Room of Ramen Wonders!
"You remind me of the babe."
"What babe?"
"The babe with the power."
"What power?"
"Power of voodoo."
"Who do?"
"You do!"
"Do what?"
"Remind me of the babe!"
The two sane girls(AN: Not for long, if Hannah's singing!) turned back to each other.
"We'll take Hannah."
(AN: This is for Hannah, because I promised her she would sing "Magic Dance" from the movie Labyrinth, which I do not own either. I looked up the lyrics online. She has recently taken to singing this song all through gym class, except when she is making some pretense of playing volleyball, talking, or singing another song from Labyrinth. I remember she once paused her singing of "Magic Dance" to talk about Kimi, so I decided to make him her singing partner. Plus there's the fact that he would probably be the most bizarre character to see singing. I needed to make it obvious that things were even more insane than usual. This is probably the randomest thing that will happen at any point in this chapter.)
Meanwhile, in the Hall of Crossovers...
Naruto walked up to another door. This one was marked FULL METAL ALCHEMIST. There was a Post-It note on the door that said "Do not open during St. Patrick's Day."
Naruto said to no one in particular, "St. Patrick's Day. Hmmm, I wonder what that is. Speaking of which, what's the date? I know it's March... March... Seventeenth? Yes, that's right, it's March seventeenth."
At that moment, Julia and Malia arrived on the scene. They were carrying Hannah, who was now singing "Chilly Down"(That's the song the Fireys sing, Hannah's second favorite song from Labyrinth) with Kimi, who had followed them to the Hall of Crossovers.
They saw what was about to happen, but could not get there fast enough carrying Hannah. They tried to call out, but their voices were lost in the singing.
Our favorite yellow-haired baka grabbed the knob, seemingly in slow motion, and flung the door wide open.
To make things worse, Kitty and Anna chose that exact moment to return from wherever they had gone off to after their brief appearance a couple chapters ago. Kitty was wearing her St. Patrick's Day best (all green and shamrocks everywhere), since she claimed to be part Irish. Anna was too, so as not to be left out of the fun, even though, as far as I know, she had no claims to Irish blood.
They were there to see Edward Elric walk through the mysterious door.
"Wow, it must be St. Patrick's Day!" exclaimed Kitty, pointing at the confused alchemist. "I think I see a leprechaun!"
"What the-- ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SHORT! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" yelled Ed in response, leaping at the two seemingly defenseless girls.(How do they hide such big mallets anyway?) If you've seen even the first 3 episodes(which is all I've seen), you'll already know how he gets when anyone makes the smallest implication that he is short. (He must have gotten some sort of complex from the fact that his little brother is taller than him.)
"How do you know we were talking about you?" replied Anna. "You're being too defensive. The lady doth protest too much." (AN: She's used that line on Kitty several times when they were arguing about Grima.)
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU CRAZY GIRL?" asked Ed, unable to get out of spaz mode. "GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD: EDWARD ELRIC IS NOT A LADY!"
"Whatever," said Kitty. "Anyway, McElric, you must join us and celebrate your Irish heritage!"
Ed turned on her. His "de-spaz" function seemed to be disabled. Either that or somebody taped down the caps lock button. "I AM NOT IRISH! I'M ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE GERMAN AND PROUD OF IT!" His voice then went from spastic and loud to cold and venomous. "And it's just Elric. NOT McElric. Just Elric. Got it?"
"Yep, he's in denial," said Anna, who decided to switch sides on the issue once she realized how much fun Kitty was having torturing poor Ed. "Shall we then?"
Kitty nodded and the two girls turned as one and leaped on the unsuspecting alchemist. When the dust cloud cleared, Kitty and Anna stepped aside to show everyone their handiwork.
Ed looked down at himself. He was wearing all green. With shamrocks absolutely everywhere. The biggest shamrock of all was on his new bright green T-shirt, surrounded by the words "KISS ME, I'M IRISH!" Not a single letter of that message was obscured by the name tag that read "Edward McElric". But the worst was yet to come. On top of his head was a giant green foam leprechaun hat.
Hannah finally stopped singing to join her friends in rolling on the floor and laughing their heads off. (Julia and Malia had been doing this ever since they had heard Ed having to insist that he was not a lady.)
"Grrrrr..." was all Ed could say. He burst out, "CALLING ALL PROUD ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE GERMANS! COME STAND BESIDE ME AND CORRECT THIS MASSIVE INJUSTICE!"
Just then, a door marked HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE flew open. Howl ran out, wearing just a towel. His hair was bright orange and he was screaming.
"Sophie! How dare you mess with my magic potions again!" He gave off a melodramatic sigh. "I'm hideous. I see no point in living if I can't be beautiful."
Kitty pointed at the interrupting towel-clad man. "Holy cow, he's Irish, too!"
Anna gave her a conspiratorial smile. "We should cover him with our St. Patrick's Day clothes before that towel falls off."
They took out more green and shamrock clothing and prepared to pounce on Howl.
But Howl, seeing Ed's misfortune, saw what was about to happen. Before the Irish girls could attack, he grabbed Ed's hand and the two ran off to wherever alternate-universe German bishies go when they are seeking refuge from insane girls with a neverending supply of green clothing.
AN: Last week in Anime Club we watched Howl's Moving Castle (Sorry, don't own that either, and is it really supposed to be Germany? My friends said that so I blame them if it's not true!) and this exact scene unfolded(minus the shamrocks of doom). Incidentally, how can one be from Ireland or Germany and speak Japanese? That's what I'd like to know!
"Hey, we haven't used our mallets yet in this chapter!" was how Kitty chose to break the awkward silence after the alternate-universe Germans had left.
"Hey, you're right!" exclaimed Anna. "We must randomly pick another victim!"
They scanned the small crowd that had assembled to watch the chaos. Their gaze came to rest on Envy.
"Huh?" said everyone. "When did Envy get here?"
"We came through the door while everyone was distracted watching the show," answered Lust, who was also there, along with Gluttony.
"Oh," said everyone.
"Hammer time!" said Kitty and Anna.
Gluttony and Lust stepped aside and left their comrade to the mercy of the crazy girls with mallets.
Gluttony grunted, watching the amazing display of random violence. "This is making me hungry..." There was a large crowd there staring in his general direction, so he settled for stealing the ten bags of potato chips that the kid behind him was holding.
"Hey! Give those back!" fumed the kid, who was of course Chouji.
"Make me," replied Gluttony.
Chouji growled, but attempted to bargain. "Give. Me. Just. One. Chip. Back."
Gluttony snickered, but was elbowed by Lust. "Don't make a scene. Surely even you can spare one potato chip."
Gluttony sighed, found the smallest chip in the pack, and handed it to Chouji. Chouji snatched it back, then did a few hand seals. (How he did them without dropping the chip is beyond me.)
"Provision Replenish no Jutsu!" And once again he was holding ten bags of potato chips.
Now everyone knew how Chouji managed to never run out of chips! Everyone stared blankly at him, stunned by this revelation. (Come on, don't tell me you've never wondered about it!) Chouji, on the other hand, simply ignored all the eyes on him and continued stuffing his face with chips.
Meanwhile...
While everyone was watching the mallet-and-potato-chip drama, a door in the Hall of Crossovers marked Death Note silently swung open. Misa emerged, followed closely by Rem.
As she set out to explore the mysterious hallway she found herself in, she was startled to see a teenaged boy wearing purple face paint and a black hood reminiscent of cat ears run past her.
"Kankuro, come back!" she called after him, hoping to find out where she was.
The frightened puppeteer turned around as he heard someone calling him. Strange thing was, he'd never seen her before in his life.
"How do you know my name?" he asked.
"Uh... Lucky guess?" said Misa. Her Shinigami-empowered eyes couldn't meet his, as is often true with bad liars. "Anyway, why were you running?"
"Oh, my brother is killing the costume people," Kankuro answered matter-of-factly. "It's the second time today his homicidal side has come through. Except the first time he was protecting us from an attempted invasion by a fearsome army of Mary Sues."
"Does that happen often?" asked Misa curiously.
"Yep. Especially when he's exposed to Mary Sues. I'm really surprised he let that go-fer through..."
That was enough for Misa. She set off in the direction Kankuro had come from.
Soon she came upon a hallway strewn with blood and sand. A little farther, and she saw a red-haired boy staring at a lifeless costume worker. His heavily outlined green eyes had a cold look in them that could only mean that he was the one responsible. She looked at the space above his head and read SABAKU NO GAARA. As she continued to stare, her eyes became large, liquid, with little hearts in them, in short, fangirlish. She let out a squeal that would strike fear into the heart of any bishie.
"OMG it's a hott serial killer!"
Meanwhile...
"Paging Tsunade... Tsunade, please report to the Hall of Crossovers... We need you to rescue Lust... Paging Tsunade..."
Julia was whispering frantically into the intercom. It had been approximately thirty seconds since Jiraiya had shown up, and things were already looking pretty bad. This was mostly because he showed up in midair, making a desperate leap and wrapping his arms around Lust. Lust, of course, struggled out of the Ero-sennin's obscene grasp and made a break for the nearest open door, which happened to be the Closet of Randomness. Jiraiya ran in after her, slamming the door shut. Kakashi ran to open it. Then he heard...
"Kakashi-sensei!" shouted Malia joyfully. And she began pushing people out of the way so that she could get to her beloved ninja. She would take him for her own, by force if necessary!
Kakashi was stunned. "I thought backstage was supposed to be a fangirl-safe zone!" he exclaimed, and disappeared in a puff of smoke just a second before Malia would have reached him and pulled off the mask she hated with such passion.
It was right about then that Tsunade appeared and strode purposefully toward the closet in which, as was clear from the noise, Lust was, for once, finding herself a victim. A victim of being stuck in a closet with the king of all perverts.
Tsunade yanked open the door to the Closet of Randomness so hard it made a dent in the wall. She would have beaten Jiraiya to a pulp right then and there, but apparently that violated a Rule of Humorous Fanfiction: No important characters should be seriously hurt for a good reason. And it's best not to hurt them for no reason at all, because this is how the great evil known as Ultimate Showdown came into existence.
"Well, then how are we supposed to punish the pervert?" asked Tsunade.
"See, you can't physically beat up a character," explained Julia, "but you can humiliate them." She continued, "I therefore suggest that there is only one punishment that will fit the terrible crime of being a super-pervert..."
"And... what is that?" asked Tsunade nervously. That girl was showing symptoms of having inhaled the invisible fumes from the Closet of Randomness.
"CROSSDRESSING! On stage, in front of hundreds of people!" Everyone either gasped or sweatdropped, except for a few people who did both, and Jiraiya, who fainted. Yep, she's definitely inhaled the Fumes of Randomness, thought Tsunade.
AN: Not only was an interrobang edited out of the last chapter, we also lost a slash and a percent sign! WHY? They didn't do anything wrong!
Anyway, this is how I write when I'm trying to be random. You can look forward to more bits of Gaara and Misa in future chapters. And what will happen when Hannah finds out about it? Speaking of Hannah, she's threatening me into including another extremely random scene, involving Swedish rap and Akatsuki style cloud-patterned miniskirts. Wait for the intermission! There's too much Dune to do first! Yes, next chap I promise I will get back on topic! And if she doesn't, she will run laps around Konoha with me! Lee! Get off the computer! And I will NOT run laps! But how else will you celebrate your Springtime of Youth? Hey, I got myself an Eternal Rival, what more do you want? Speaking of which, the following goes out to Sam:
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE!
Yes, I definitely get more insane late at night. I'm going to bed now before I endanger my plot any further.