Three steps, turn, step step step, turn. Revan continued her pace, trying to erase the last minutes from her mind. That was so wrong, but it felt so right. How could I do that in front of Carth, while he is fighting for his life? I am truly evil. I deserve no mercy.
"Revan, don't do this to yourself." Treg's words were calm, resounding off the walls, making them echo in her head long after they were spoken.
He stood there, watching her pace, seeing the guilt distort her features as each step landed.
"No more guilt Revan, you have provided yourself with enough of that throughout your life. It ends here, ends now."
He grabbed her by the shoulders, making her stop the frantic pace. "It happened. It doesn't have to happen again but you have to stop blaming yourself for everything. For every single thing that happened in the past, for how it affected Carth, for decisions you made, for your kids, for needing comfort, for loving Carth, for kissing me even though your heart is somewhere else."
How can I make him understand? It's not that I kissed him, nor that he kissed me back. It's that I enjoyed it, that I didn't want it to stop. That it felt so reassuring. That it was so different from the kisses I share with Carth, where our strong passion, our desire, burns on our lips. But this kiss, it was so soft, so comforting, like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. And I felt so naked, so cold, when it was no longer there. That kiss was so gentle, its warmth had been like a slow starting fire, smoldering inside my abdomen until its heat radiated to the tips of my fingers, my toes, my lips. She cut off her thoughts, refusing to admit anymore to herself.
Get a grip Revan, there are other things that need your attention. "Treg, I will always live with my guilt. I can't erase all the horrific things I have done, nor should I expect it from others." Like Carth. "But right now that doesn't matter. I need an update on our situation. What happened? Where are we?"
Treg knew she was hiding, tucking away her own inner turmoil and trying to replace it with action, but he let the conversation drop and proceeded telling her what she had asked about, wondering how long she could continue on this path of self-denial. "We are on course to Anthrecite Labs. I was not able to access the route Onasi had planned, but, thanks to the droid I was able to get us off the planet and on a new course. I dumped the bodies a few hours after takeoff, there was nothing on them to indicate who they were or why they were here. After moving Carth to the medbay, I wrapped the wound, mastered the art of injecting medpacs and have been waiting for you or him to wake up."
Her eyes questioned him. "You were exhausted after you healed him. Your body carried on but you weren't really there. Your face has been riddled with alternating emotions. You are hanging on by a thread Revan, and frankly, I am extremely worried about you. I have seen evil play on your features and I have witnessed compassion. These past few days have taken you from one end of the spectrum to the other and I am concerned that when you finally stop, it will leave you in the wrong domain. Revan? What did you do, what happened?"
"I don't know Treg, I honestly don't know. But thank you, for taking care of Carth…"
"No thanks necessary, I'm just glad that some of my medical training must still be left in here." He tapped the side of his head and the tension seemed to break, letting them both give a small chuckle.
She shifted uncomfortably, gaining the courage to ask what she needed of him. "Treg, I need you to promise something. Whatever I did, however I did it, Carth can never know. Can you promise me that?"
His eyes narrowed, "I'm not sure I can promise that. There may come a time when he needs to know."
"You're afraid of me too?" she asked, eyes widening in shock.
Too? On top of her guilt does she also believe he is afraid of her? His reply came in a firm voice, "No, not afraid, just worried Revan. But I won't say anything if I don't have to. That is all I can promise. If he needs to know though, I will tell him."
She knew that was the most she could get from him and it was an honest answer, she had to trust he wouldn't say anything, unless circumstances changed.
Finally willing herself to know what she had been afraid to hear she changed her questioning, "Will he be okay?" she asked.
"He'll be fine, though not ready for any physical exertion anytime soon. He should wake up any day now."
"I should go to him –"
Why? So you can saddle yourself with more guilt? Treg held his thoughts in check, "No, you need rest, and something to eat. Right now you are in worse shape than him."
"I'm fine, I can't sleep anyway, there is too much to sort through."
"And that can wait. Sustenance Revan, I will even cook … although I can guarantee it will not taste very good." He started leading her down the hall to the galley.
She let him win, drained of the energy to argue. But it was more than that too. With him she didn't have to worry about guilt nor did she have her past thrown in her face when in his company. Relaxing her body and moving in step she realized how eager she was to enjoy the luxury of someone taking care of her, someone who would not be a constant reminder of her past. Someone whose life she hadn't destroyed.