Chapter Three: Crikey, Mate!

The Kangaroo was one of Spider-Man's deadliest enemies. Now stop laughing, it's very true. Well there was that one time where Peter thought the villain had gotten himself blown up or something, but hey, it turns out he didn't get blown up. Seeing as he isn't blown up, The Kangaroo is going around Midtown kicking down secure vault doors with his rippling thigh muscles and proceeding to loot whatever materials he could fit into his pouch. He has a pouch now. It's new.

Spidey stumbled upon the scene of a forced entry after hearing the alarms go off from a couple blocks away. With quite the astounding level of acrobatic finesse and ballerina-like grace, Peter spun through the air after releasing from his previous web swing and went barreling through the hole that had been kicked through the bank's front wall.

After a ludicrous double front flip, he landed in a low crouch in the bank's lobby. "Hey! I think the bank's closed now! So you should...probably come back later!" He called into the darkness.

"No...no...! For God's sake...I just got outta jail...!" A very obnoxiously Australian voice snarled from the distance. Seconds later, the Kangaroo came stomping out with a massive angry frown on his middle-aged face. "I'm gonna clock ya one, mate."

"Yeah, please don't. I'm chronomentrophobic."

There was silence as Peter stood with his hands planted proudly on his hips, staring expectantly at the Kangaroo who, quite frankly, seemed to be as confused as most people were when Peter started using words with more than four syllables.

Peter said "It's...it's a fear of clocks. Because...because you were gonna...you know. Clock me."

"Why does everyone around 'ere like you?"

"They don't." Spidey replied, pointing both fingers at The Kangaroo.

Peter snapped a hand forward and shot a web net outward at the Kangaroo, who due to his spectacular lower body strength, managed to bound into the air and evade the shot like...like a Kangaroo.

Suddenly, as Kangaroo came barrelling down with Spidey in his sights, who was witnessing his life flash before his very eyes in the wake of his foe's tremendous power, a car tire flew from out of sight and struck the Australian criminal in the forehead. He was pushed backward by the 'wheelie' effective strike. Peter watched in amazement as Kangaroo's landing turned into a crash landing, face scrunched in confusion.

"Was that...a tire?"

"Yeah. Someone just threw a tire at me." Kangaroo said in disbelief.

At the entrance to the bank, or more so the hole in the front of it, stood a woman with long blonde hair, wearing a black jumpsuit that was also black with black highlights. Her face was covered by a domino mask.

"Hey, did you just attack this guy with a tire? A tire?"

The woman shrugged "I dunno, fuck off."

"Oh. Uh. Okay." Peter said in confusion.

Kangaroo shook his head and made a mad dash for Peter, who was predictably warned by his Spider Sense. Like really, what else was going to happen? The Kangaroo was going to kill him? Come on. I think we all know how these stories play out by now...

Peter wove free of the tackle, webbed his Australian foe, swung him around in the air, then released. The criminal went crashing into a row of wooden seats in the far side of the bank.

Peter dusted his hands off and looked back at the costumed woman "Alright, I have this under control...uh...whatever your name is. What is your name?"

The woman cocked her head with a smile that told Peter that he had just made her day by asking her name. He knew the next part would not be good. "I'm Protonslaught."

Peter squinted. Kangaroo could be heard yelling things like 'struth' and 'fair dinkum' because, was it ever mentioned, he was Australian.

"You know. It's proton and onslaught put together."

"Yeah don't worry. I got that part." Spidey reassured lowly.

"Why weren't you laughing?"

"Because I'm not ten years old?"

"Whatever, Jizz-Hands Man."

Peter scoffed in disgust. "Ew."

"You shoot white stuff out of your hands."

"Hey it doesn't come out of my hands. It comes out of these gadgets I made."

"Oh...that's kind of stupid. You call yourself Spider-Man and you don't even make webs."

Peter crossed his arms. "Hm, maybe I crawl on walls. And have the proportionate strength of a spider. What do you do? Slaughter protons?"

The tension in the air was thick, like the skull of a person who failed to realise that Pacific Rim 2 was just a Power Rangers movie.

The Kangaroo finally broke out of Peter's webbing then pounced back over into the main lobby. "Alright, playtime's over, ya bloody idiots. You're really gonna cop it now."

Peter gestured towards the approaching foe, being a gentleman and letting the lady have a go.

Protonslaught asked "Stand back, Jizz-Hands. I've got this."

"Yes, defeating the almighty Kangaroo is going to be a cool moment. Because he's such a big threat. And Australian."

Protonslaught extended a palm and growled, sending a ferocious yellow blur soaring through the air. The Kangaroo was blinded when the unstoppable form of a mildly smelly banana peel slapped into his face. Protonslaught took a single step to the side and watched as the Kangaroo barged head-first into the marble wall behind her.

He was rendered unconscious. The Superhero nodded and clapped "Oh yeah. That's right. I kicked his ass and I made it look good."

"You...made a banana peel."

"Yeah. Like you can do that. Well you can't because you're a loser."

Peter sighed. 50% of his life was already allocated to taking this kind of treatment from Neanderthals at college; he wasn't ready for it to grow to 100%. Peter strode out to the front, leaving Protonslaught to follow. "Listen Prote, maybe you should quit while you're ahead. Yeah you beat The Kangaroo, but what happens if you run into someone dangerous like Rhino? Banana peels and tires won't cut it."

"Oh shut up you asshole. I don't need to listen to you."

The time for fun and games was over for Peter. This banana peel-conjuring clown was starting to irk him. "Look, I'm just saying. I've been doing this for like seven years. Maybe you should listen."

Momentarily, police cars pulled up at the crime scene. One of the officers emerged from his squad car and looked at Peter. "Figured you beat us to it, Spidey. What's the damage?"

"Don't worry Fred, it was just the Kangaroo."

Protonslaught flicked her hair over her shoulder and pressed her hands onto her hips. "I took him down."

The cop narrowed his eyes. "Uh. Okay. Thanks...?" He glanced back at Spider-Man. "Friend of yours?"

"No, no, no, no. Nuh-uh, nope. Just met."

The woman smirked smugly and declared "I'm Protonslaught."

"What?"

"P-Protonslaught."

The cop gave her a once over before shrugging.

Protonslaught then turned over to Peter and said "Don't call me Prote. It sounds too much like scrote. Loser."

With that, the incredibly modest and level-headed superhero hovered up, up and away, as Spidey and his police officer friend watched.

"What a very...likeable individual." Peter announced sarcastically.

"You can say that again."