Chapter Five: The Pumpkin King

Imagine this, a young pair of university students kicking back on the couch eating Doritos until they puke and watching 'Hercules in New York'. Arnold Schwarzenegger's first movie ever by the way. It was terrible. He was terrible. So terrible in fact, that they dubbed him over with some other guy because you could barely understand a single word he was saying. It's true, you should look it up. Anyway, that image was perfect, at least it was for Peter who had been staring at Anabelle Lee for a solid minute or so.

The woman in question furrowed her brow, and Peter was sent into one of his all too common panics. Was he being creepy? Well, he hadn't spoken for exactly 95 seconds which seemed a few seconds too long for a normal, 'not creepy' conversation. He could try and say something now...but then it would sound awkward and forced and Anabelle would probably move away to some secluded island just to ensure that she never endured his awkwardness again.

Suddenly, as if acting in direct response to Peter's pathetic internal prayers, there was a rumbling that seeped through the ground which was accompanied by the sound of a tremendous explosion. Peter, feeling blessed by this act of divine intervention, glanced over his shoulder towards the direction of the commotion.

The young man was then patron to a whirling roller coaster of emotion as his feeling of relief was instantaneously replaced by an eye-widening call to arms; a maniac riding a broomstick trailed through the sky, hurling explosive pumpkins at the street below. The gut-wrenching assumption made by Peter that this was the Green Goblin was also quickly denied when he spied that this guy's head was a flaming pumpkin. The latest climb in Peter's erratic emotional journey was the realisation that this criminal, the Jack O'Lantern, was a complete loser and sucked real bad so he could easily punch his ass into next week and come back in time to stare at Anabelle some more. Not in a weird way. Obviously. Because Peter Parker was not a weird guy, no siree.

His bug-eyed gaze shot back to Anabelle as he declared much too loudly in a stressed tone "UM I HAVE TO GO CATCH MY BUS."

Anabelle instantly blurted "I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I...I DON'T KNOW WHY I TOLD YOU THAT."

"COOL. SEE YOU LATER."

"BYE."

Peter took off like a proverbial lightning bolt because yes he was fast, but he wasn't Quicksilver fast and still had to maintain the meticulous illusion that he was a loser science nerd with the physical capacities of a six year-old. Once he rounded a corner into an alleyway, he leapt onto the wall and scaled it like...well...a spider. You didn't come here for creativity, you came here for SPIDERS.

Speaking of spiders, it took the blink of an eye for the eternal loser Peter Parker to re-emerge as the Spectacular Spider-Man. This time it's Spectacular. Next time maybe Friendly-Neighbourhood or Amazing. He kept a list of the ones he liked. The wall-crawler leapt off the rooftop and rocketed straight for the path of an incoming pumpkin bomb. Using his trusty trigger fingers and far-too-extensive knowledge of physics, Spidey fired a web line at the explosive device, twirled it once, then let it go off into the sky.

A split second later, the bomb detonated in a cloud of red embers. "I thought the giant flaming pumpkin head was cool but stealing the pumpkin bomb thing was a bit much. I mean you're the second person to try ripping ol' Gobby off."

Jack O' Lantern ceased his flight path and took this time not to actually throw some more bombs at the webhead, but instead engage in a super-villain speech. "You...! I've been waiting for you, Spider-Man!"

"I feel like we know each other a little too well for you to be calling me by my full-name. It's a little...overly formal. Spidey is fine."

"I don't care! I've finally got you where I want you! And by the way, the pumpkin bombs were just a coincidence!"

With that, the living Halloween decoration hurled another bomb at Spidey, who simply rinsed and repeated his last tactic with ease. The bomb exploded harmlessly in the sky. "Oh. So you designed the head first, then just went with it without making sure it wasn't too similar to someone else? I mean...I could've called myself Ant-Man but I actually did some research. Well, that would've been kinda stupid because I was bitten by this crazy radioactive spider thing."

"How the hell was I meant to know that Green Goblin and Hobgoblin made their bombs look like pumpkins? That makes no sense! What links goblins and pumpkins?!" Jack once again attacked Peter with a thrown bomb.

At this point, Peter was getting a bit tired of this. He threw the stupid bomb away, then said "You know, that's a good point. What's up with that?"

"Well they're both pretty SPOOKY." Said a woman's voice at Spidey's side.

Peter glanced at the source of the stupid remark and was forced to sigh in exasperation. "Why? Why is it always you? And with the losers I can fight on my own?"

Wow, what a surprise, it was Protonslaught! Who could've guessed, considering the fact that she was introduced not that long ago, left pretty quickly, and had conflict with our webbed hero that could be used for the build-up of dramatic tension? She kinda just stood there proudly for a second before saying "You could not take this guy. You suck."

Jack nodded in approval as he floated with the aid of his broomstick. "Yeah man, you suck!" He snarled.

Peter shook his head. "What is this, the Daily Bugle? I get enough of this crap every other day of my life. You know what? Screw this."

With that, with one thrust of his legs, he propelled himself three storeys into the air to match Jack's height, reached out and violently snatched his satchel of pumpkin bombs. In another swift motion, Peter tossed them into the nearby river, spun and kicked Jack in the face.

Those bombs, since they were totally just ripped off from the Hobgoblin's ones, weren't designed to work in water. The circuitry would get all soupy and short out, meaning that this wall-crawling hero just engaged in some explosive ordnance disposal. Before he landed , Spidey sent out a web line, swung on it, and zipped into Jack with a punch.

This blow sent the bad guy zooming backwards on his broom. Peter landed atop a streetlight, bracing for when Jack would recover from these blows and return the favour.

However, Spidey's trusty ally Protonslaught had other ideas. As the webspinner stared down Jack, he saw a plastic bag slowly but surely drift up from the street and gently fall onto his face. Peter, in utter disbelief, glanced down at the woman. "...Seriously, what do you even do?"

"Shut the hell up, you inbred asshat!"

If it wasn't for his Spider-Sense, Peter may have been struck in the head by the suddenly-appearing bowling ball that zipped mere inches away from his face. In outrage, he threw his hands up in the air as the bowling ball totally smashed some random dude's car window. "Hey! What's the matter with you?!"

"What's the matter with me? What's the matter with you!?" She called back.

The thing is, Peter's Spider-Sense worked most of the time. Sometimes, if he was distracted, it would feel like it came on a little too late. Oh, why is this information being relayed to you right now at this seemingly random interval, you say? Because this was one of those times, silly.

A blinding light consumed Peter's vision, and a hot mess of an impact slammed into his chest. Seeing as his costume provided no real protection and was a glorified onesie, whenever Spidey sustained damage in a fight, it was always a testament to his superhuman durability that he didn't die for not wearing some padding at the very least.

He was propelled off the streetlight with velocity that would've broken bones in any human person, and into the brick wall, behind him. Peter, despite the pain he felt, managed to latch onto the surface and recover within seconds. Gritting his teeth in frustration, Spidey simply splashed a layer of webbing right into Jack O'Lantern's eyes and resumed his berating of Protonslaught.

"Hey. You seriously need to knock this off. If I was anybody else, I could've died from that." Peter scalded.

Protonslaught had her attention on the stream of pebbles, streamers, apples, rubber balls, branches, and crow bars that poured forth from her hands and bounced off Jack's writhing form. "Just shut up for a sec, I'm trying to focus here."

If he'd been the kind of person that maybe didn't respect the responsibility that came with great power, it was probable that he would've dropped down there and punched that chick in the face. But of course, he had a lot of respect for responsibility.

Biting his tongue, Peter just zipped back towards Jack O'Lantern and laid a hefty jab onto his face. With a scream, Jack snapped backwards as his helmet cracked from the force. Spidey perched onto Jack's broomstick and was ready to finish this fight...until his Spider-Sense went off again.

Using a great deal of his physical strength, he wrenched the broomstick to the side, sending both he and Jack O'Lantern spinning away from whatever his sixth sense was warning him about.

As they spun free of the danger, Peter's eyes widened when they fell onto...a tree. A massive, thick oak tree that sprouted out of the concrete. At its base was Protonslaught, who was scratching her head.

Spidey glanced into the sky and his heart stopped dead. This tree seemed to grow to full size instantly...meaning that if Protonslaught materialised it underneath something, it was launched into the sky with incredible force. Peter saw a car spinning in the air, and heard terrified screams in the distance. "Oh my god!" Spidey gasped.

Before he could throw himself into action, Jack, like the sneaky, honourless scumbag he is, thrusted a concealed blade into Spidey's gut. The pain landed up Peter's side, but he didn't stop for a second. He pushed Jack's blade outward, then dropped off the broom.

The wallcrawler fired a web strand from each hand, both latching onto buildings on opposite sides of the street. He pushed backwards, stretching and tensing the webs. Then, using them as a slingshot, Peter was fired through the sky like a missile, with the car growing in size upon his approach.

In less than a second, he slammed against the top of the vehicle and affixed himself to it. Now is where more of his seemingly useless physics knowledge came in handy. Right then, the occupied car was spinning out of control; the motion was shaking the people inside around like clothes in a dryer, so they could get hurt real bad. All Peter had to do was apply a counterforce depending on which direction the car was spinning, and he could negate this tumble which would make it safer for the guys inside, and also make it easier for him to catch it before it hits the ground.

The webhead scurried over the side of the sedan and onto the bottom of it, all the while observing how the world around him was spinning and taking note of the growing cityscape. Spidey braced his legs and pushed off the left side of the undercarriage. This thrust sent him several metres away from the vehicle, slightly slowed its descent, and corrected its chaotic spins.

Peter somersaulted, landed on the concrete, then extended his hands into the air. "Oh boy. This is gonna hurt."

The four-door sedan dropped onto Spider-Man, who growled in pain as the impact sent him dropping to one knee. He braced the car on his back as he powered through the strain, and carefully laid it onto the road. There was a woman in the driver's seat and a man in the passenger seat; both looked understandably freaked out. "Are you guys okay?" Peter asked urgently.

They both nodded erratically, the woman muttering "Oh God...thank you, Spider-Man...!"

Peter's hands were curled into fists as he turned around and sent his attention to Protonslaught. She stared in utter disbelief; completely motionless. "I-I...didn't mean to do that."

"You're out of control!" Spidey snapped as he grasped his bleeding wound.

Jack, who finally peeled the layers of webbing from his face, interjected "What? What's going on? Are you talking to me?"

Protonslaught retorted "No, you idiot."

"Oh. Okay." Jack replied. "This is getting a little...heated. I might just...go."

As the pumpkin-headed criminal was about to zoom off with his broomstick, an unannounced blow struck the device and stunned Jack. A circular object bounded off the broom, bounced off a traffic light post, and into the trained hand of Captain America, who stood tall in the middle of the street. "Now where do you think you're going, son?"

Protonslaught clearly hadn't met anyone on Cap's level before...and you could easily tell that she was starstruck. "Holy shit, it's Captain America!" She bellowed.

Jack O'Lantern froze. He muttered "C-Captain America!? N-No, not Cap! He's gonna kick my ass!" As Jack was desperately trying to get his broomstick under control, Cap ran towards the bleeding Spidey. "Spider-Man...you need a medic?" He asked worriedly.

"I-I'm fine Cap...look, this just hasn't been my day. I should be able to turn this joker into toast...but my hands've been full."

Steve smiled triumphantly, and the gesture alone managed to help Peter out of his rut. "Hey, stow that talk. We'll finish this together." He extended a hand for a shake. Peter, the anger and frustration cooled for now thanks to Cap's naturally inspirational aura, firmly squeezed his friend's hand.

This was a beautiful moment. Spidey had his favourite ninety year old super soldier to thank for steeling his resolve. So, like every other good thing in Peter Parker's life, it wasn't to last. "Holy FUCKING shit! C-Captain! O Captain!" Protonslaught cried as she came closer.

Cap's determined stare dropped into a confused glaze as the woman came to a stop inches away from him. "Foul language is the mark of a small vocabulary, miss."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. I'm just a big fan. Of freedom. A-And democracy. My favourite thing to read is the Declaration of Independence."

Peter swiftly inserted himself between Cap and Protonslaught, eyes narrowing at her. "Steve, this grade-A idiot almost got two civilians killed just now. She needs to leave and let us handle this."

"Hey shut the fuck up, Jizz-Hands Man."

"Are you serious? You got me bombed, threw a bunch of innocent people into the sky, and that's all you have to say?" Peter snarled.

Protonslaught planted her hands on her hips. "Ha! Look at that, you got stabbed."

Captain Rogers' voice boomed through the city like a clap of thunder "That's enough." For the first time since Peter met her, Protonslaught was made speechless. Her eyes seemed to shimmer in Cap's presence. "Whatever happened between you two, it needs to be put on hold. Right now, that maniac needs to be put behind bars. Are you going to start working together, or do I have to do this myself?"

Peter sighed, stood a little straighter, then said "I've got your back, Cap."

The Sentinel of Liberty then glanced over to Protonslaught, with eyes filled with mild annoyance. She swallowed then said "Aye, aye, Captain."

"Oh for crying out loud—" Peter started, only to be cut off by the sound of Jack's cackling in the distance.

The discount Hobgoblin was trailing off on his broomstick as he shouted "You guys suck! Oh and thanks for fighting Nazis back in World War II Cap! I'm pretty scummy but Nazis are just plain evil!"

Instantly, Cap was in his element. "Engage pursuit! I'll cut him off!" The Super Soldier scaled a nearby building by pulling himself up using windows, pipes, and fire escapes. Faster than any human could, Steve Rogers sprinted down the rooftops like a cheetah.

Peter didn't spare another second. He swung through the busy New York streets, following Jack O'Lantern's smoke trail. Soon enough, Protonslaught appeared by Spidey's side. She flew through the air with all the grace of an injured penguin.

They trailed Jack for a while, with Peter glad that he confiscated his little bag of tricks so innocent people were no longer at risk. Every now and then, Jack would peer over his shoulder and have a little panic attack whenever he saw his pursuers closing on him.

At one such moment, a man coloured much like the United States of America, threw himself from the top of an apartment block with his shield raised. The circular plate of vibranium slammed into Jack's rib cage, causing him to squeal in pain.

Cap arced down into the street and rolled to a landing. "Hit him now!" He commanded.

"I got it!" Protonslaught yelled.

Spidey felt an incredible stabbing pain in his stomach. "No, don't!!" He urged.

Protonslaught raised her hands, and instead of a nuclear warhead coming out of it, there was only a steady jet of water. The liquid sprayed over Jack O'Lantern's head, extinguishing his flame. The man hesitantly patted his head "Woah, woah, is my hair out?"

In this momentary lapse in concentration, the bewildered pumpkin man didn't anticipate the traffic light that was going to smack into his pumpkin face in less than a second. When it came, Peter winced in sympathy pains.

Jack fell from his broomstick and onto a concrete plaza with a 'crack'.

"Jesus...!" Spidey yelped, dropping out of the sky. He landed by Jack's side, eager to see whether or not the loser was dead.

Jack writhed in pain. "My back...my back..." There came a popping sound, much like stressed vertebrae clicking. "My back...! I can...still wiggle my toes so that's a good sign. Am I still...going to jail?"

"Yes." Snapped Spider-Man.

"Oh. It was worth a try."

Protonslaught hovered in, roaring triumphantly. "That's right! I beat him! You suck, Jizz-Hands Man!"

The innocent civilians in the area were...let's say appalled by her language. Captain America promptly arrived on the scene. "That was reckless and dangerous." He said, scalding Protonslaught.

"W-What?" She asked.

"You could've crippled this man for life. And apparently...you put Spider-Man and two other civilians in needless danger. You're a juvenile and, quite frankly, a liability. You need to quit while you're ahead." Lectured Rogers.

Protonslaught seemed to be hurt by these words for a second, until she blinked several times and wore a nonchalant pout. "Right. You just can't keep up, old man. Neither can you, bug-boy."

Cap's eyes narrowed. "Don't you see how careless you're being?"

"You can shove it, Uncle Sam." Growled the woman as she took off into the air.

With the adrenaline worn off, Spidey was starting to feel the aching of his injuries. Regardless, he cocked his head and said something stupid "The bar for being a superhero is getting a little low nowadays, ain't it?"

"What exactly happened?" Cap asked as he wrapped an arm around Peter and led him away from the crowd as the police arrived to incarcerate Jack O'Lantern.

"Well...first she distracted me by almost throwing a bowling ball at my head, which gave Jack a chance to throw a grenade at me. Then, she...catapulted an occupied car twenty metres into the sky by flash growing a tree underneath it. I had to catch it...and that kinda hurt. Oh and Jack stabbed me."

Steve shook his head. "Unbelievable. You need medical attention; I'll take you to Avengers Tower...give you a once over."

"N-Nah I'll be fine. I'm sure you've got more important things to deal with."

"That's an order, son. And there isn't a thing more important than looking after your own."

Peter sighed, and reluctantly agreed "...Thanks Steve...that chick just really irks me."