Disclaimer: I own nothing
A/N: I did have another account, but had to change because of reasons I won't say. That account has been deleted, and I am re-posting my stories on this one. Just to clear things up; enjoy!
"Potter!" screamed a very angry red-head, Lily Evans, at the top of her lungs. "Where the hell are you? If you don't come over here and get me out now I'll knock your abnormally large arrogant pig-like head off!"
She was in a bit of a dilemma. You see, as Lily was walking down the steps from her dormitory to the Gryffindor common room to finish some homework, she started sinking into the hardwood floor. As she tried to get out, she realized she was stuck. Only on person at Hogwarts despises me enough to do this she thought. That person was James Potter.
"You rang, Evans?" James said innocently, trying to make a straight face on his way down the boy's dormitory steps. He carefully jumped over the plank on the floor that he cast a spell on to make it behave similar to quicksand, so anyone who stepped in it would sink in.
"Don't play with me Potter! Get me out of this damn sinkhole now!" she said very annoyed, and very angry.
"I haven't the slightest idea what you are talking about, Evans." James said mockingly, trying to hold back a laugh.
"You know perfectly well you put it here!" What the hell's he playing at? She thought why does he always do this to me? "Get me out of this damn floor now, or I'll rip your testicles off!" This final remark frightened James a little, because he could clearly see the fire burning in her normally bright green eyes now, and he knew she meant it.
He was laughing hysterically now.
It had always been like this. James Potter and Lily Evans hated each other from day one. He was always pulling immature pranks on her, always. Not that she was exactly nice to him either, though; but she wouldn't have done anything to him if he hadn't done anything to her first.
Flashback
As Lily stepped off the Hogwarts Express, and walked into the Village of Hogsmade, she heard a deep and slightly raspy voice. "First yea's this way'! Cum with me firs' yea's ova' here!" Lily looked over to it, and jumped as she only saw two very large legs about the size of her whole body. Then, as she gradually brought her head up, Lily saw a humongous body to go with it. "First 'ears, folla me!" it called again. Reluctantly, she went with all the other first years following the giant man.
The small crowd of children walked out of Hogsmade and watched the older kids get into flying carriages. They soon came to a huge lake that lay between Hogsmade and Hogwarts, and they formed a long line, Lily being the last because she was a little frightened of the giant man.
Then they all got into small boats, three at a time, and slowly started to make their way across the lake. Lily stepped in a boat with a three boys, since it was the last one left.
The boys seemed nice, and she tried to engage in pleasant conversation with them.
"Hi, I'm Lily," she said, "Do you all know what we do when we get to school?"
"Yeah," one of the boys who had sandy blonde hair and light blue eyes started, "We go to the castle and get sorted to our house. I'm Remus by the way, and this is James," he said pointing to a boy with messy black hair and wire rimmed glasses, " and Sirius," he finished, gesturing to the other boy, with dark hair and deep eyes with handsome features.
James and Sirius both smiled and said hello, then not two seconds later they started secretively whispering to each other, with Remus looking at them unsure and worried, like when they normally whisper, nothing good comes out of it. But Lily ignored it.
"What are houses?" Lily questioned.
"There are four houses, or family like groups at Hogwarts, and when you arrive as a first year, you are placed in one of the houses based upon your specific qualities," Remus told her politely
"Oh, thanks," she said sheepishly.
Then, in the distance, the giant castle drew near. She could see its dark silhouette against the starlit sky. It towered above everything around it, including trees, hills, and the village of Hogsmade in the distance. It was beautiful.
"Oh my god!" Lily said. "It's amazing! This is Hogwarts?"
"Yeah, I guess it is!" Remus said, also in awe.
Then, ruining the moment of seeing Hogwarts for the first time, all of a sudden James said "NOW! One, Two, Three!"
Before Lily understood what James had said, she was in the water, courtesy of James and Sirius.
That's why when they got to school and she started to learn magic, Lily bewitched a sign to say in bright, flashing pink letters 'I'm Gay' and stuck it to James's Arse.
End of Flash back
Yes, it was all James Potter's fault that she had to go to the start of term feast dripping wet, as it was also his fault that some seventh years still refer to her as 'the girl who fell in the lake' despite the fact that it has been five years since that happened. But it was also Lily Evans fault that half the school used to think James Potter was gay. She laughed to her self at the thought of the sign, but then remembered how angry she was.
Remembering this made her even angrier. "I swear I'm gonna kill you Potter!" the red head screamed. Everyone in the common room was looking at them now. Then again, if a girl was stuck in the floor and was screaming viciously at a laughing guy, then stopped for a minute or two and started to stare into space, deep in thought before continuing to scream, that would get my attention too.
As he was laughing uncontrollably, James thought about the situation for a moment, something he rarely did. In his mind he could either a) let her go and risk getting his testicles torn off, or b) watch and laugh and maybe take a photo or two and then let her go and risk his testicles getting torn off. He chose the latter.
-
"Potter!" Remus heard a familiar scream. Frustrated that James and Lily's arguments and interrupted a good book that he was reading, which happens very often, he wondered what James did this time.
"Get me out of the damn floor now or I'll rip your testicles off!"
Remus winced at the thought, and then decided that he better go down and see if he could help. Last time Lily threatened to rip James's testicle's off, she pulled out a knife, and probably would have succeeded if Caroline Beard hadn't summoned the knife away and held Lily to the ground until she calmed down.
It can't have possibly been as bad as the time that he made her burp very loudly every time she opened her mouth, or the time that he taped her shoelaces to the ground with Manse's All Purpose Magical Tape. He thought Even James didn't have the nerve (he thought) to do anything worse than the whole 'push in the lake thing'. Maybe Sirius, but not James.
Unfortunately, as he was walking down the stairs, Sirius (speak of the devil) was walkingup the spiral staircase to their dorm.
"Mooooo-ney! How great it is to seeee a friend of mine!" Sirius sung in a strange made up tune.
"Oh, great, not again," Remus said aloud. "Hi Padfoot. Why are you speaking in song again?"
"Because when yoooou have a song in yooour heart you have to sing-a-ling!" he sang out.
"Ok…" Remus said annoyed.
"Coome onn, Mooney! Don't yooou want to singggg?"
"I'd rather not."
"Buttttt I looove singing!"
Remus just looked at him and then decided to carry on and go downstairs. He got to the Gryffindor common room with Sirius behind him humming, and saw a bunch of students gathered around, some looking very angry, and others laughing. He pushed and shoved his way to they center of the students, and saw James and Lily, or half of Lily, as she was up to her hips in the 'quicksand' floor. To no surprise for Remus, Lily and James were still arguing bitterly.
One thing that did slightly disturb Remus, was the fact that while Lily was screaming non stop at James, James (while laughing) was just watching her yell at him, and then he pulled a wizard camera out of his robe and began shooting pictures of her screaming furiously while being caught in the floor.
"ARGH! POTTER, IF YOU DON"T GET ME OUT THIS
INSTANT, I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE YOU DIE A VERY, VERY, VERY, PAINFUL DEATH!
This was the final straw for Lily. Not that she wasn't going to try to strangle James as soon as he let her out, if he did, but she was at the point of exploding. I wonder if they can treat internal combustion due to James Potter is an arrogant pig headed arse hole- itis at St. Mungo's. she thought.
Remus grabbed James and said "What the hell do you think you're doing? Lily is going to kill you when you let her out! What could of possibly going through your brain when you did this to her?"
James said "I thought it would be funny."
At those words, Sirius laughed hysterically and then said (thankfully he had stopped singing, as he had the attention span of a goldfish with ADD) "Well done, Prongsie-poo, I have taught you well in the art of pranking, grasshopper."
Everyone looked at him.
"I mean it was funny, wasn't it Prongs? I can't believe I didn't think of it! You thought it was funny, aye moony?"
"hardy har har," Remus said sarcastically.
Suddenly, as the spell wore off, the floor rose Lily back up and hardened under her, and she promptly ran towards James and jumped on him, with arms extended like claws and teeth bared ,and she then tightly grasped her 'claws' around his throat.
"Evans, no!" James choked
Remus and Sirius then grabbed her and pulled her back, but Remus let go of her and bent over in pain as Lily kicked him in the groin. Sirius laughed at the sight of his fellow marauder curled in fetal position on the floor, until Lily kicked him in the groin too. They both moaned in pain as Lily went back to her target.
He must die! Lily was focused on that goal, then, fortunately for James, Lily's best friend, Caroline, came to the rescue and pulled Lily off of him.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET ME GO NOW, CARO!" Lily screamed loudly.
"Thanks, Caroline," James said in a state of shock, rubbing his neck.
"Don't mention it, James," She replied. "And no, I won't let you go, Lily! I'm not crazy, you know! You'll kill him!" Caroline yelled at Lily.
"That was precisely the point, Caroline," she muttered under her breath. Then she broke free of Caroline's grasp and pounced on James once more.
"Lily, think about what you're doing, you are a prefect you know, after five whole years at Hogwarts, I don't think you want to kill James and get yourself expelled, and I hear they are sending minors with high offenses to Azkaban now too, I wouldn't want to have to go visit you there, dementors creep me out, remember last year when the ministry ordered them here for dark wizard protection, I know they were only here for two months, because Dumbledore was so enraged at them…"
After being her best friend for nearly six years, Lily knew when to just let Caroline ramble and ignore her. But some of the words did speak to her, the part about not wanting to get expelled anyways, Lily was angry at James -no, not angry, infuriated; boiling with rage to the point where she could just- ok, you get my point, but she knew that her friend was right and she couldn't kill him. She loosened her still tight grip on James.
"… and then when James and Sirius were caught skipping class in a broom closet together, I think some people still think that they are gay with each other, but at least I know they were spying on Remus and Candace, who had the hour off and were studying…"
"Evans, leme-" James never got to finish what he was about to say because Lily had been holding on to his throat for so long he passes out.
"… like the time we got high on permanent quill ink, I was so out of it! Hahahahaha! Then McGonagal came and- O MY GOD! JAMES IS DEAD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO LILY?"
"Shit! Lily said "Somebody get Professor McGonagal now!" she screamed in a panicked tone. (And FYI, Lily wasn't panicked because James was out cold and possibly dead, but she was panicked because she could get expelled and even sent to Azkaban with the dementors.
"Professor McGonagal is here. I heard the screaming, what seems to be the problem?" She asked, worried.
"Professor! James seems to have passed out!" said Remus who had partially recovered from the traumatic experience of being kicked in the groin be Lily Evans.
"Oh dear! Get him some water and I'll fetch the Headmaster." She replied.
Caroline went to get him some water while Lily was in deep though and prayer, hoping he was ok for her own sake.
When Caroline got back, a minute or two later, Sirius had discovered what had happened, and went up to James, trying to 'revive' him. Let's just say he didn't go about it in the best way.
"Sirius! No!" Caroline screamed as she saw Sirius squatting down with his arse pointed right in James's face, but it was too late.
A loud noise followed by a terrible smell, and James bolted upright with a scream.
"PADFOOT! AWW WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? GET YOUR SMELLY FAT ARSE OUT OF MY FACE! DAMN!" James cursed loudly.
Sirius laughed, amused at James's anger. "Well it worked, didn't it?" he said. "You should really be grateful! It's thanks to me you aren't dead!"
It's more like thanks to you I almost died, sticking your arse in my face like that! James thought to himself.
Caroline, while plugging her nose, looked disgusted at Sirius, then smiled sympathetically at James, and handed him the water. Lily, however, was fuming.
"Potter! Now are you going to apologize for making me fall in a quicksand-bewitched floor?" she spat out at him as he drank the water thirstily.
"Me apologize?" he said after the water was gone. When there wasn't a reaction from Lily he said it louder, "ME APOLOGIZE? YOU NEARLY KILLED ME!" James shouted.
"Yeah, well maybe you deserved it!" Lily told him.
"Well you don't have too-"
"Pardon me, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore interrupted rather politely, "But I believe you and Miss Evans need to come see me in my office for just a moment."
"Professor, did you see what she-"
"Now, if you please, Mr. Potter."
"Yes, sir," they replied in unison.
Author's Note: Well there's my first chapter! I know it's a shaky start, but once it gets going, I have a lot of great ideas! (And many random ones) Please comment! I'm open to all sorts of suggestions and constructive criticism to help make my writing better.