Chapter 2: Strange

Ashley's point of view. I'm going to just blatantly ignore the Crellie crush in this story, it would take so much more to address it and I want to focus this more on Crash. Seeing as I do have to deal w/ Cranny as well ;-). This part is pretty angsty, but don't worry all will be well soon enough! ) This chapter is much longer than the first!

Song credit: "Strange" by Tori Amos

strange
thought I knew you well
thought I had read the sky
thought I had read a change in your eyes

Wow. I can't believe that it's really him. It feels like forever since I last saw him, though it's only been about a year. Ok, wow, nevermind that is forever. Craig Manning. My first real love. My first time. My everything, for a while anyway. Until everything just got to be too much for me and even though I loved him so much, I had to get away. For both of our sakes. I didn't know it was going to end up this way. But the look on his face when he saw me almost brought tears to my eyes. He still loves me, I can see it. I know it sounds like I'm full of myself but I don't care. It's true. But everything is so different now.

so strange
woke up to a world
that I am not a part
except when I can play it's stranger

He looks great, I just can't quite bear to look at who is standing right next to him though, oblivious to the fact that he is staring at me. Manny Santos. The bane of my existence. Why Craig? Why did you have to go back to her? Anyone but her. Is this payback for Ali…God why did I even get involved with him. That was so stupid, and such a rebound. One things for sure it made me appreciate Craig much more.

after all
what were you really looking for?
and I wonder when will I learn?
blue isn't red everybody knows this
and I wonder when will I learn?
when will I learn?

I turn away to look at Ellie and she looks sad. That's weird, I don't understand why but I can't really think about it right now. It's probably because she doesn't like Manny. I look back at Craig and he's still looking at me, and still standing next to her, so I decide to just stand there with Ellie. There's sort of an awkward silence going on so I suggest we go mingle. Of course, this was stupid because in just a few minutes who do I find myself in front of but the very person I was trying to stay away from. I somehow lost Ellie and he somehow lost Manny (that's a feat in itself!). "Hey" he says to me, just a simple greeting. But I have no idea what to say, I can't even form a thought in my head.

guess I was in deeper than
I thought I was
if I have enough love for the both of us

"Um, do you want to go somewhere to talk?", for some reason he's looking at me like I'm going to slap him again, like I did when I found out he cheated on me with her. "Don't you have a shadow you need to stick close to?" Ok I shouldn't be saying these mean things, but I can't help it. "Wait a minute, shouldn't I be the one making the snotty remarks? You did leave me you know". "Ok, I'm sorry, um, yeah let's get out of this crowd". We walk inside the school and end up in the gymnasium, where he first sang to me and told me he loved me. That was a great memory. It softens me a little. I guess I'm just being defensive because I know that all of this really was my fault and I don't want to face it. He didn't want me to go, even tried to follow me there. But I was firm about him staying behind and it killed me.

"just stay"
you said "we'll build a nest"

"So how's your English boyfriend?" This is how he chooses to start the conversation, go figure, remind me of the biggest mistake I made. "He doesn't exist". "What? You made him up?". He stands up and looks at me incredulously. I had to giggle a little at the ludicrousness of the idea of me inventing Ali, I wish. "No, I mean we broke up". "Oh, ok I guess that was a pretty stupid thing for me to say". "Yeah, but it was funny". "Whatever, Kerwin. So how was London anyway, worth the stay?". Ok, here's my chance I need to start being brave and honest, I'm just going to tear the band-aid right off. "It was amazing, Craig. But…no, it wasn't worth what I did to you and you have to know I'm so sorry for that…" I look down and away from his eyes that despite being sort of angry still show the love I saw earlier, "…more than you can imagine."

so when the bridges froze
and you did not come home
I put our snowflake under a microscope

"Trust me, I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I understand why you left in the first place. But you really did hurt me bad when you didn't come back. And I had to find out from Spinner, on my birthday." Oh God, that makes it so much worse, I could kill Ellie for not listening to me about telling him myself. "I told Ellie that I was going to tell you, I…I was waiting for the right time." He looks up at me and I can see anger in his eyes. "The right time, Ashley? There was no right time for that." He's right, because I never should have done it. I should tell him that but for some reason I can't.

and I wonder when will I learn?
maybe my wish
knew better than I did
and I wonder when will I learn?
when will I learn?

"I don't know what else to say." That's not entirely true. I should say it was all a mistake. I should say I'm an idiot. I should tell him I still love him, and need him, and he should take me back. But I can't do any of that.

guess I was in deeper than
I thought I was
if I have enough love for the both of us

"It's alright, I guess we're even now huh?" He doesn't say it out of spite, but more in a humorously ironic sort of way. And it is. I can no longer point a finger at him for making the biggest mistake in our relationship. We are pretty much on even ground now. Maybe in a stupid Freudian way that's part of the reason why I did it. I don't know right now.

so strange
now I'm finally here
the party has begun
it's not like I can't feel you still

"So, friends?" He has that hopeful look on his face with his eyebrows raised and slight puppy dog eyes. "Yeah, of course…you know you don't have to though…" He cuts me off before I can finish. "Don't be stupid, Ash, I could never stay mad at you; I've had enough time to come to terms with everything." And there it is, the final nail in the coffin. Come to terms. Like, he's over everything. Over me. Maybe I was wrong earlier that he still loves me. It seemed like he did, but I just don't know anymore. "Alright, well I better get back." He starts to get up. "Right. Manny must be waiting." He moves to walk away, but changes his mind and turns to give me a hug. And thus takes all the breath I have left out of my lungs and it hovers in the air somewhere between us. He hugs me tightly and whispers he's glad I'm back. "See you around then?" My breath comes back to me. "Yeah, see ya." And he walks away, just like I walked away from him almost a year ago.

but strange
what I will leave behind
you call me one more time
but now I must be leaving