Chapter 6: It's Only Love
This one is just Ash's point of view. More angst, unfortunately but I'll start off with some sugary sap! )
Song Credit: It's Only Love by Heather Nova
I've decided that Craig sleeping is one of my favorite things. I've been laying here for fifteen minutes already, just watching him sleep. It's cheesy, I know, and a little freaky too, but I can't help it. He's just so darn cute. But I'm going to have to stop soon, I need to get home before my mom starts calling me to tell me it's late. I debate on whether or not I should wake him up when he decides for me. He opens his eyes, and looks a little startled at me propped up by my hand just watching him. "Hey you, sleep well?" "You know, not really I had this nagging feeling that someone was watching me." "Oh. You jerk!" I playfully push him, and unfortunately, start a war. "Oh I see how it is, you want to push? Okay, well than I guess it's alright if I…tickle you!" "Nooo, Craig…okay, okay stop…" He knows how ticklish I am so he relents pretty quickly. "That'll teach you for calling me a jerk." "Whatever. Jerk." I smile at him and rest my chin on his chest. This is nice. A thought occurs to me. "Hey, we didn't even get to finish listening to your cd." He laughs. "Believe me, it's alright. We'll listen some other time." "Promise?" "Of course." Suddenly, his face becomes serious, "Come with me." "What?" Go with him, where…oh. "To Vancouver?" "Yeah, we can get an apartment just like I said before and you can help me with the recording process…" He sounds so excited I almost want to jump on board but someone has to be the realist here and I hate myself for having to always be the one. "What about school? I still have to graduate high school, remember? Not to mention the fact that my mother would never allow it." Apparently, he's not that easily faltered. "You can go to school over there, and your mom let you stay in another country for a year…" "With my dad." His face falls a little, now he's starting to see my side. I hate making his face do that. "Oh, right. Well it was just a thought. An impulsive little thought, you know me." I give him a smile and hold his face with my hand. "It was a nice thought." I also give him a kiss hoping that will make it a little better. That gets a smile. "Alright, well, I need to go home now. It's getting late." "What? Oh, come on, I'm sure your mom doesn't even know you're still out." I have to laugh at his pathetic attempt at reasoning with me. "Gee thanks, my mom doesn't know I exist." I move to get out of the bed but Craig wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me back in. "But I do." Then he starts placing kisses on my shoulder. Okay, I have to admit, it is a little convincing. But not enough. Because this is the time that my mother chooses to call me. Craig groans while I move to answer my phone. "Okay, so she does know you're still not home." I try to make my conversation with my mom as brief as I can. "Hi mom, I'm just leaving. Yes, I'll be careful. Okay, love you too. Bye." By the time I hang up, Craig is already fully dressed again. "Aww, no fair." I give him my best pouty look. "Hey, don't play with me missy, you know I can keep you here a lot longer and get your mom even madder at you." And he would too. "How bout I take a raincheck on that?" "You can count on it." I quickly get dressed, as soon as we managed to spot my shirt hanging from the back corner of his dresser. How we manage to always get our clothes in the weirdest places I'll never know. He walks me to the door and gives me a quick kiss. "Wait, how are you getting home?" I nod towards my mom's car parked on the street. "She let me use it tonight." "Alright, well call me when you get in." "Okay, goodnight." "Goodnight."
We spent the rest of that week being a couple without actually acknowledging that we were a couple. This week was his last full one here until he has to go back to Vancouver. We spent today just hanging out in his garage coming up with some ideas for possible new songs he can record. That's when he drops the bomb on me. "So, I know this is usually the girl thing to do but since you haven't done it yet…what are we?" "Huh?" He rolls his eyes, must've learned that from me. "C'mon, Ash you know what I'm saying. I'm going to be leaving soon. Am I going as a taken man or am I single?" I've been having such a good time with Craig, it really has been amazing. But we're going our separate ways. I thought it was sort of an unspoken thing that we both knew about. "Craig, I'm going back to high school. You're recording an album and living out your dream. You deserve to be free and do what you want. I don't want you to blame me for holding you back." Oh, great. Now he's mad, how did I know this was going to happen like this. "Holding me back? What I deserve? Ash I don't need you to tell me what I deserve…" "Exactly." "But that doesn't mean I don't need you." Great, and he's making it difficult. Fabulous.
I
used to think that I knew what we needed
just
assumed we would always be fine
now
I don't think that we lost the feeling
but
we let everything build up inside
"I'm sick of hurting each other, Craig, that's all we do." "So don't." He's really not giving this up easily is he? "I just, I don't know if we can do it. Maybe we're just not supposed to." He gets up and starts pacing. I can tell he's really mad now and he probably wants to throw something. But I can't just give in. I need to look out for both of us.
it's
only love
but
love should make us strong
it's
only love
but
love has been hurting so long
"You know what your real problem is, Ashley?" Maybe he's mad enough now to start agreeing with me. "What's that?" "You're scared." What? Me, scared. That's ridiculous. "I'm not…" "You're afraid that if you actually did something kind of crazy it might just work out. And then you'd be stuck with me. And it would be real and it would be scary sometimes, but it would be us."
what
a challenge, honesty
what
a struggle to learn to speak
who'd
have thought that
pretending
was easier
"Fine. Maybe I am scared, but the only thing I'm scared of is us getting hurt again." "But it doesn't have to happen that way, Ash. Sometimes things actually do work out." Ugh, he's not supposed to be doing this. This isn't the way it was supposed to go.
and
its all a part of me, tearin' my heart
only
love
and
it's all an eternity, hoping to learn
only
love
"You're always trying to make sure things are so stable and perfect before you get into anything. But you're not seeing that it can't just be perfect. You have to keep working on it. And you can't run away from it. You can't run away from me, Ash. Not this time."
there's
a part of you I'm trying to reach
still
a part I don't know
tell
me, is devotion a gift or a thief?
do
you wish I'd let go?
And now I'm crying. God why won't he just let it go. If it's meant to be than we'll find each other again. "I just…I just think if we let it go. Maybe there's a better time for us later." Suddenly, he grabs me by the shoulders, not forcefully but just enough so that I'll pay attention to him. "There is no better time. You can't wait around for something to mold to your liking. What do YOU WANT, Ashley? Because you know what I think. I think you already know, you're just afraid to do it. Look, I know where I am at. You need to figure out where you are. When you do, you know where I'll be." With that, he reaches for his plane ticket and throws it down on the dresser next to me, and walks out of the garage.
it's
only love
but
love should make us strong
it's
only love
but
love has been hurting so long