Back in the present

There are three stages in love:

Stage one. You fall in love and feel the happiest you ever have in your whole life.

Stage two. After it ends you try to cling to that feeling, hoping that you can survive on that until the next person comes along.

Stage three. The next person never comes along and you feel as though you will never fall in love again.

During stage three you feel like you can never love anything again and you go from loving that person, to hating them and wishing that he would develop syphilis and get gangrene on his penis.

Well, that's how I felt anyway. I'm not over him, I doubt I ever will be. But it's funny because I don't love him. I never will ever again, but a part of me still wants the boy I met that summer, in my life. When I'm feeling really bad about it, I look at my life and I think, "Hah! I'm beautiful, I'm famous and he doesn't have me!"

Then I think, and I don't have him. Writing the book was a bad idea, my publicist suggested it and my agent loved it so I was doing it. Of course I got paid, which is really very funny. Who knew you got paid to write autobiographies these days? Not like I needed the money, my Chester had loved it. He was the one who convinced me to actually do it.

Chester Mason, my best friend. Famous, not for anything in particular except for the fact that when he was four his mother married the CEO of the biggest recording company in the country. He was the queen of socialites, and no I don't mean king.

I stared at the little laptop computer in front of me and glared at it. I had no one to blame, but the laptop, it was what opened up all these feelings I thought I had closed years ago. I hadn't even been able to call him to arrange a meeting over the terms of my book and his involvement in it. My assistant, Caroline had to do it, and I hadn't didn't even go to the meeting. My lawyer told him that I was out of town on a photo shoot.

Who would have thought, that I, Stacey McGill would lose myself in a guy. Oh well, it doesn't matter. I lit a cigarette, inhaled deeply then leant back in my chair. My new house in Sagaponic has two bedrooms and two bathrooms. It was the first thing I bought after I signed my four year contract to Victoria's Secret. I don't get out of bed for less then $60,000. Needless to say, it's already fully paid off. Perfect for writing my novel.

I am also signed to Chanel, Gucci, Versace and Ralph Lauren. Eighteen and worth ten million. It was surreal, every girls dream and I have it. Though every girls dream usually involves falling in love with a handsome prince and living happily ever after. Though I have become a cynic over the years, and living in New York as a woman is a lot different to living in it as a young girl. Needless to say, I gave up any thoughts of falling in love a long time ago. So with these thoughts stewing in my head, I picked up my phone and dialled Chester's number.

"Have you ever been in love?" I asked.

"Darling, I am in love right now!" he exclaimed.

I twirled around in my very expensive leather swivel chair then stood up and walked out to backyard and dipped my foot in the pool, testing the temperature, "How come you never told me about it?"

"Oh! Because it only just happened, last night I met the sexiest man alive, have you heard of Pierce Daily? Well he's going to be hot hot hot! In a few months, everyone will know his name!"

I sighed, "Oh Chester! No!" of course I had heard of Pierce Daily, everyone had, and it wasn't for a good reason. He hosted bad parties full of bad actors and bad wine and was renowned for having white powder around his nose.

"Yes! It's fabulous isn't it?" he cried, then said, "Look sweetie but I must go, I'm not even close to being ready for the Burberry show tonight!"

"Oh, ok, well I love you." I said, disappointed.

"I know honey, I love you too! See you tonight!"

And with that the conversation was over and there was no way to take my mind off my thoughts. I decided that I may as well use these thoughts and put them in my book…

I spent the next week on instant messenger talking to Sean. About a week and a half after I had first met him, I met his girlfriend over messenger. I remember the night before I "met" his girlfriend. I was laying on the floor in Mary-Anne's bedroom.

"I really think I like him." I told her, "Like I know it sounds totally nuts because I hardly know him and he's got a girlfriend, but I really do."

She looked thoughtful which was not uncommon for Mary-Anne. She was the most sensitive person I'd ever known and a hopeless romantic, which is why I chose her to go talk to. I should probably describe her. At the time she had shortish brown hair, brown eyes and a petit frame. Her father used to be very strict with her and she wasn't even allowed to wear her hair in a way that he didn't like, but after a while he loosened up. We all put this down to the fact that he married Mary-Anne's best friend, Dawn's Mum who was very laid back. And no, Mary-Anne's parents weren't divorced, her Mum died shortly after giving birth to Mary-Anne. I often think this is why she's so sensitive, because she has had to deal with so much in her life. I still keep in touch with her. The commute to Stoneybrook from New York is nothing so I drive down there every once in a while to see my Stoneybrook friends. I actually really enjoy the drive. It's about two hours in moderate traffic which means I have two hours to myself to think. Ever since I got my license two years ago, driving has been my favourite past time for when I'm stressed, even in heavy traffic which sends most people absolutely mad, I feel calm and centred.

I did feel a little guilty talking to Mary-Anne about this. She had recently broken up with her long time boyfriend and first love, Logan and it had been very hard on her, especially as she's already so sensitive.

"The heart wants what the heart wants." She said as she got up from the bed and examined her box of nail polish, then picked out a baby pink and came at my toe nails.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you can have it." I replied indignantly. It had struck me very odd to hear Mary-Anne talking like this. She was beginning to sound almost cynical these days.

"Look, if you like him and he likes you, then what's the problem? And if he really likes you, he'll break up with her." She said, finishing off the last toe on my left foot.

"But I can't ask him to do that!" I had exclaimed, wishing that it wasn't true, "But I will be friends with him, and maybe one day more. But I will not push it."

Mary-Anne shrugged, "Fine, but be prepared for heartbreak, sorrow and weight gain."

I giggled, "Weight gain?"

"Well maybe not for you, because I guess you can't have all those sugary break up foods. Now stop wriggling or I will end up painting your toes as well!"

Speaking to cynical Mary-Anne used to depress me a lot because I was used to her being my light at the end of the tunnel.

"Oh guess what?" Mary-Anne suddenly exclaimed.

"What?"

"No guess!"

"Oh Mary-Anne I can't. I can't think of anything other then Sean." I replied.

"Oh, you're no fun! Well I guess I'll tell you anyway because I'm so excited! Dawn's coming home for the summer!"

Well at least now I had something else to think about.

I gasped, "Really? Why didn't you tell me before? That's great!"

"I know, and she's even considering staying here, permanently. To live." She said excitedly.

"Oh my god! That would be so great!"

"I know. I miss her so much when she's in California." She then moved on to my right foot.

"You know, Claudia is into Sean too." She said slowly, as if, it would soften the blow.

"What? Why?" I didn't think Claudia actually liked guys. I know that sounds bad, but somewhere between being my best friend and fighting over a guy, she become common and tarty. Also, she wasn't quite as beautiful as she's always been. Her eating habits and puberty were starting to take a toll on her body. She used to be very slim with perfect skin but by this stage, she'd gained a lot of weight and pimples now dominated her upper back and made guest appearances on her face. Because of this, she had become looser with her morals and did more to get a guys attention. By this I mean, putting out. The guys at school had gone from calling her a freak, because of the way she dressed, to calling her slut because of the way she acted. No SMS guys would go out with her.

"I don't know. I wish you two were like you used to be. I wish we all were like we used to be." Mary-Anne started to tear up.

I took her had, "Mary-Anne, what do you mean?"

"Things are just changing so much, you and Claudia aren't best friends, I'm not with Logan anymore, Dawn's a party animal and I get scared that we'll all split up next year in high school." She was only just stopping herself from sobbing.

"Oh Mary-Anne, I can't speak for the others, but I promise you that you and I will both stay really good friends. Even though I'm sure everything will work out fine and it will be just like when you moved from junior school up to middle school."

She sniffed, "I guess."

"I know." I told her.

I stayed the night there, sensing that Mary-Anne probably wasn't up to a night on her own, mulling over all the things we'd already talked about.

We shared her bed which was nice because I don't like to sleep on my own. I never have. I think it stems back to being an only child and feeling alone all the time. Sometimes, when I was younger, Mom used to lie in bed with me until I fell asleep, and then get up and go back to her own bed. When I think about it now, it was probably just as comforting for her because she'd have to spend less time with my father.

Just before we fell asleep I turned to Mary-Anne and said, "I love you."

I knew she would get all emotional, but I had become quite emotional myself in the past months so I didn't mind.

She replied thickly, as though trying to get through the tears, "I love you too Stace."

"G'nite Mary-Anne."

"G'nite Stacey."