CHAPTER FOUR: SOLILOQUY
"You guys gave me the world. I can't tell you what it means."
Tara watched Willow and Xander envelope Buffy in a hug. Tara knew, just from watching Buffy's body language that there was something incredibly wrong. Tara hadn't read Buffy's aura since the first time she'd met the girl over a year and a half ago, but reading her aura now, Tara knew that Buffy was practically screaming with desolation.
And for someone who'd just confessed to being in a hell dimension, whilst it did make sense, Tara couldn't read relief or gratitude, or even the slightest bit of happiness. All Tara was getting was a bone deep despair and a weariness that shouldn't have happened to anyone that was only twenty years old.
Buffy excused herself, saying that she needed air. Willow and Xander exchanged happy grins, thankful that Buffy seemed to be bouncing back from what had happened. But Tara knew better. She gave Buffy a full minute to herself before standing and quietly following her outside.
What Tara found though made her knees weak and her heart contract. It left her breathless and in the midst of a panic attack.
"I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time...didn't mean anything...nothing had form...but I was still me, you know?"
Tara felt tears welling in her eyes. She didn't have the strength to even try to stop them, and they rolled slowly down her cheeks.
"And I was warm...and I was loved...and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or...any of it, really...but I think I was in heaven."
Tara had been expecting it, but just hearing it aloud completely shattered her. She felt as though she couldn't breath. Her mind was unable to process even the simple thought to flee as fast as she could. But her body wouldn't co-operate. Instead, she collapsed onto a crate, just out of sight of the Slayer and the bleach-blonde vampire that Buffy was confiding in.
"And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out...by my friends. Everything here is...hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch...this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that...knowing what I've lost..."
Tara swallowed hard, and she knew that Buffy's vampiric confidante was having as much trouble processing the information as Tara was having. She couldn't imagine anything that either of them could possibly say to Buffy to try and make things right.
Buffy stood and walked into a patch of sunlight, knowing that Spike couldn't follow her. Tara's body finally began responding to her thoughts and she stood.
"They can never know," Buffy aid softly. "Never."
Spike's attention was drawn to a figure in the shadows. His eyes locked with Tara's tear-filled ones, and he looked back at Buffy who hadn't noticed their guest.
"S'a bit late for that luv," Spike said softly.
Buffy turned back to look at him, wondering what the vampire was talking about. She followed his gaze and saw Tara looking at her in shock and sympathy. Surprisingly there was no pity in Tara's eyes. She hated having people pity her, and to see no pity was a comfort. It was one of the many reasons she hadn't told the group about where she'd really been.
"Tara," Buffy whispered.
Their gazes held for a long moment, and before Tara could even force herself to take another step towards the Slayer, Buffy turned and took off at a speed that Tara would never be able to follow at. The Wiccan sniffled and wiped her eyes. She looked to Spike who was having troubles containing his own tears.
"How much did you hear?" Spike asked.
"Enough," Tara replied.
Spike nodded and stood up, careful to stay away from the direct sunlight. He walked towards Tara and gave her a small half-smile.
"I'm glad it was you," he confided.
"W-what?"
"I'm glad it was you," he repeated. "That came out here. That it was you who heard her say all that. Means that she's got someone who knows...someone who can actually help her."
"You don't think you could h-help her?" Tara asked curiously.
Spike shrugged and dug his hands into his pockets. "Probably end up making things worse," he replied. "She doesn't need darkness in her life. S'why Peaches bloody left her. I can't give her sunlight and picnics and all that rot. And, s'much as I hate to admit it, she needs that stuff right now."
Tara nodded her agreement. She didn't know all that much about Peaches...uh...Angel, rather, and she was somewhat surprised by Spike's statement. She'd have thought that Spike would have wanted the chance to be the Slayer's confidante in the midst of her agony. It was in that moment that Tara realised how deeply Spike cared for Buffy. He was willing to give her a chance at being in the light rather than pulling her into the darkness that probably would be beckoning to Buffy after being torn from Heaven. The darkness was simple and seductive, and tremendously hard to pull oneself out of. Tara smiled softly at Spike and gently touched his hand in thanks.
"You're a good friend," she whispered.
If vampires could blush, Spike would have been bright red. He coughed uncomfortably and began walking down into the alley, away from the sunlight.
"Hey, Blondie," he called to Tara.
The Wiccan turned to look at him.
"She's probably gone to visit her mum," he said.
Tara was confused for a moment before realising what Spike was talking about. She flashed him a smile and began jogging towards Restfield cemetery.
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Loving the feedback, thank you people! Glad you're liking this fic'o'mine. DKG.
"You guys gave me the world. I can't tell you what it means."
Tara watched Willow and Xander envelope Buffy in a hug. Tara knew, just from watching Buffy's body language that there was something incredibly wrong. Tara hadn't read Buffy's aura since the first time she'd met the girl over a year and a half ago, but reading her aura now, Tara knew that Buffy was practically screaming with desolation.
And for someone who'd just confessed to being in a hell dimension, whilst it did make sense, Tara couldn't read relief or gratitude, or even the slightest bit of happiness. All Tara was getting was a bone deep despair and a weariness that shouldn't have happened to anyone that was only twenty years old.
Buffy excused herself, saying that she needed air. Willow and Xander exchanged happy grins, thankful that Buffy seemed to be bouncing back from what had happened. But Tara knew better. She gave Buffy a full minute to herself before standing and quietly following her outside.
What Tara found though made her knees weak and her heart contract. It left her breathless and in the midst of a panic attack.
"I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time...didn't mean anything...nothing had form...but I was still me, you know?"
Tara felt tears welling in her eyes. She didn't have the strength to even try to stop them, and they rolled slowly down her cheeks.
"And I was warm...and I was loved...and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or...any of it, really...but I think I was in heaven."
Tara had been expecting it, but just hearing it aloud completely shattered her. She felt as though she couldn't breath. Her mind was unable to process even the simple thought to flee as fast as she could. But her body wouldn't co-operate. Instead, she collapsed onto a crate, just out of sight of the Slayer and the bleach-blonde vampire that Buffy was confiding in.
"And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out...by my friends. Everything here is...hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch...this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that...knowing what I've lost..."
Tara swallowed hard, and she knew that Buffy's vampiric confidante was having as much trouble processing the information as Tara was having. She couldn't imagine anything that either of them could possibly say to Buffy to try and make things right.
Buffy stood and walked into a patch of sunlight, knowing that Spike couldn't follow her. Tara's body finally began responding to her thoughts and she stood.
"They can never know," Buffy aid softly. "Never."
Spike's attention was drawn to a figure in the shadows. His eyes locked with Tara's tear-filled ones, and he looked back at Buffy who hadn't noticed their guest.
"S'a bit late for that luv," Spike said softly.
Buffy turned back to look at him, wondering what the vampire was talking about. She followed his gaze and saw Tara looking at her in shock and sympathy. Surprisingly there was no pity in Tara's eyes. She hated having people pity her, and to see no pity was a comfort. It was one of the many reasons she hadn't told the group about where she'd really been.
"Tara," Buffy whispered.
Their gazes held for a long moment, and before Tara could even force herself to take another step towards the Slayer, Buffy turned and took off at a speed that Tara would never be able to follow at. The Wiccan sniffled and wiped her eyes. She looked to Spike who was having troubles containing his own tears.
"How much did you hear?" Spike asked.
"Enough," Tara replied.
Spike nodded and stood up, careful to stay away from the direct sunlight. He walked towards Tara and gave her a small half-smile.
"I'm glad it was you," he confided.
"W-what?"
"I'm glad it was you," he repeated. "That came out here. That it was you who heard her say all that. Means that she's got someone who knows...someone who can actually help her."
"You don't think you could h-help her?" Tara asked curiously.
Spike shrugged and dug his hands into his pockets. "Probably end up making things worse," he replied. "She doesn't need darkness in her life. S'why Peaches bloody left her. I can't give her sunlight and picnics and all that rot. And, s'much as I hate to admit it, she needs that stuff right now."
Tara nodded her agreement. She didn't know all that much about Peaches...uh...Angel, rather, and she was somewhat surprised by Spike's statement. She'd have thought that Spike would have wanted the chance to be the Slayer's confidante in the midst of her agony. It was in that moment that Tara realised how deeply Spike cared for Buffy. He was willing to give her a chance at being in the light rather than pulling her into the darkness that probably would be beckoning to Buffy after being torn from Heaven. The darkness was simple and seductive, and tremendously hard to pull oneself out of. Tara smiled softly at Spike and gently touched his hand in thanks.
"You're a good friend," she whispered.
If vampires could blush, Spike would have been bright red. He coughed uncomfortably and began walking down into the alley, away from the sunlight.
"Hey, Blondie," he called to Tara.
The Wiccan turned to look at him.
"She's probably gone to visit her mum," he said.
Tara was confused for a moment before realising what Spike was talking about. She flashed him a smile and began jogging towards Restfield cemetery.
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Loving the feedback, thank you people! Glad you're liking this fic'o'mine. DKG.