CHAPTER SIX: STRONG
(Post 'Flooded')
Tara looked across worriedly at Buffy. She hadn't said a word since asking Tara to drive her to a roadhouse diner in between Sunnydale and Los Angeles. The place that Buffy was to meet up with Angel. Tara couldn't help but be worried about Buffy.
Whenever Tara asked Buffy if she wanted to talk about anything, the Slayer would immediately stiffen and shake her head. It was getting frustrating, and Tara had no one to turn to for advice. Even though Giles was back and Tara had been certain that the Watcher would figure out that his Slayer hadn't been in a hell dimension, Giles had yet to put all the pieces together.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Tara asked.
Buffy sighed and nodded. She was sitting in the passenger side seat, her knees scrunched up to her chest. It seemed to be Buffy's position of choice lately, one that showed the vulnerable side of Buffy that no one really ever got to see except for the Scoobies. Except that the rest of the Scoobies seemed to be completely ignoring the fact that Buffy wasn't coping as well as she tried to appear to be doing.
"I'm fine," Buffy replied.
Tara couldn't take it anymore. She knew enough about the Slayer to realise that if she didn't want to talk about something she wouldn't ever talk about it at all. And that was the worst thing that could possibly happen. Tara knew enough about keeping things bottled up inside, and she knew that it didn't help.
Without giving it too much thought, Tara indicated to the right and pulled the car off the road, stopping. Buffy sat up and looked at the blonde Wiccan worriedly.
"Tara-"
"Buffy, you need to talk about this," Tara stated. Her voice was oddly authoritative, something that very rarely happened, especially when it was Buffy that she was addressing.
"No, what I need is for you to keep driving so I can meet up with Angel," Buffy replied.
Tara shook her head. "Are you planning on telling him where you were?" she asked.
Buffy paused. She hadn't been planning on telling him anything. She hadn't thought of anything beyond wanting to see him. Wanting to know if the spark between them still stood. She knew that their love had survived Angel being in a hell dimension for however many years he'd been trapped down there. What she didn't know was whether or not it had stood up to being put through heaven. She didn't know if she still loved him or not, and she figured that the only way to find out was to see him in person.
The truth of the matter was that she hadn't been planning on telling him anything about where she'd been. She was hoping that he would have drawn his own conclusions about the truth of her whereabouts.
"No," she finally whispered.
Tara sighed and reached over to take Buffy's hand. Buffy stared at it dumbly for a moment.
It was strange, the first few days of her return, everyone had been clambering to touch her as constantly as possible. Now though, it rarely happened, almost as though they were afraid that Buffy would lash out at them. Tara and Dawn, and now Giles seemed to be the only ones who would reach towards her.
Strangely enough, Buffy had been pulling away from Giles and Dawn. But whenever it was Tara who reached towards her, she would let it happen, and usually would lean into the comforting hand. She let Tara's warmth seep into her own hands which were slightly cold.
"Buffy, you'll never heal unless you start being honest about this," Tara said.
Buffy chuckled slightly and the sound of it sent shivers up Tara's spine. It was the kind of hysterical laughter that usually symbolised something bad.
"Heal?" Buffy repeated. "How the hell can I heal?"
Despite Buffy's angry tone, her grip on Tara's hand was still gentle, and that gave the blonde Wiccan a semblance of hope.
"You're strong Buffy," Tara said.
"But I'm not!" Buffy replied, turning to face the other girl. "You all think I'm so strong cos I'm the Slayer, but…I'm not strong at all. I never have been."
"Yes you have," Tara said confidently. "Buffy, it's not a weakness to be afraid. It's not a weakness to be hurt. It's definitely not a weakness to be angry or upset with m-me and the Scoobies for what we d-did to you."
Tara's stutter was back, and she hated that it had begun showing up every now and then. It was strange because the only time she ever stuttered lately was around Buffy. Almost like when she'd first met Willow…Tara didn't want to think too deeply about that.
"I'm not mad," Buffy said flatly.
"You resent us though," Tara said quietly.
Buffy paused and finally sighed, lifting her eyes to meet Tara's.
"It hurts," she admitted. "Every day it hurts a little more and a little less. Some days I just want to stay in bed and sleep forever, but…other days are okay. Some moments are better than others."
"What about seeing Giles?" Tara asked softly.
A genuine smile broke out on Buffy's face, the first that Tara had seen in a while. The spark flickered in Buffy's eyes, but died out just as quickly.
"I missed him," Buffy explained. "He's…he's…well…my dad was kinda MIA for a few years, and…well, let's just say I didn't mind so much cos Giles was there."
"He is pretty special," Tara agreed.
Buffy nodded her agreement. They sat in silence for a moment before Buffy finally spoke again.
"I hate that Giles and Willow were arguing about me…about what she did," Buffy said. "I hate that we're nearly broke, and that if I don't get a job, I'm probably gonna lose mom's house. I hate that sometimes when I wake up at night, I can barely breathe. I hate that I still have scars on my hands even though I've been back for over a week. I hate that I have nightmares about being ripped from…from…"
"Heaven," Tara supplied.
Buffy nodded.
"I hate that I'm not still there," Buffy whispered.
Tara's heart broke completely for the Slayer and she pulled her into an awkward hug, stroking Buffy's hair. She pressed a kiss to Buffy's forehead, and leant closer to Buffy's ear to whisper to her.
"You'll go back there one day, you know," Tara whispered softly, intimately. "You'll go back one day when you're done. And you'll meet up with your mom and you'll be able to rest. But for now, you've still got people here who love you. You've still got the smaller pleasures of life to enjoy. Caffeine and chocolate and ice cream. You've still got a sister who loves you and friends who'd do anything for you. You've got all of eternity to be in heaven, but not so much time back here."
Buffy let the words wash over her, the soft voice and the loving tone soothing her aching soul. She closed her eyes and listened carefully to what Tara was saying, and knew with perfect clarity that what Tara was saying was making sense.
"It's still going to hurt," Tara continued. "It'll hurt for a while, but you need to see the silver lining."
Buffy chuckled a little, remembering a conversation from long ago that had made her reconsider things.
"When life hands you lemons," Buffy whispered softly.
Tara smiled and hugged Buffy tighter, knowing that she'd somehow reached the Slayer. "Make lemonade," Tara finished for her.
Buffy pulled back, tears running freely down her face. She leant forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Tara's cheek.
"You're a very wise woman you know that?" she said, a genuine smile on her face.
Tara grinned and squeezed Buffy's hand before letting go and putting her hands back on the steering wheel.
"Of course I am," Tara replied. "I'm a Scooby."
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DKG.