A Sense Of Family

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent or adult transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Ten: Coming to Terms

Michaelangelo:

I carried Rama's limp exhausted body back to her bedroom, I laid her down on the bed and quickly tucked the blankets up and around her, she lay trembling a vacant empty look in her eyes, clear signs of shock, though tiny tears fell from her eyes, leaving wet tracks along her cheeks.

"Rest Ramiela, I love you, and no one will hurt you. You've done nothing wrong. You are going be all right honey. Just sleep now" I crooned softly as I reached out to caress her head with one hand.

Baka came in jumping onto the bed, he nestled down by her side purring loudly to let her know he was here, and every thing had to be great because he was purring up a storm. Rama reached out one arm very slowly to stroke the old black cat.

I hard her whimper "Why'd he hurt me?"

"He didn't love you Rama. He never did, it is easy to hurt one you don't care for. But hush now we will talk in the morning after you get some sleep." I insisted.

Rama looked up at me "Don't leave me" She begged.

"I won't I will stay right here until you are asleep." I assured her kindly.

She heaved a heavy resigned sigh and closed her eyes nestling down further under the blankets.

I sat on the floor and watched her slowly give in to sleep, knowing that when she woke it would bring changes, I just didn't know what they would be, or if it would be changes for the good or bad. I knew it had to be hard for her to suddenly realize, the man she loved and cared for, idolized even, had treated her so badly. True, she had probably always known it to some extent, but could not acknowledge it for what it was, and soon denying it became easy. I sighed, wistfully knowing that morning would bring it's own set of problems now that she had accepted the bitter truth of Yukio's treatment of her but she really needed some rest more then anything.

Once I was sure she was sound asleep I returned to the dojo to set about cleaning up the scattered remains of the dummy, considering he damage to the mock Yukio it took awhile to gather up the mess and dispose of it. While I cleaned up I thought about Ramiela and all she had gone through not only through Yukio's hands but things she must have been fighting with, at least inwardly, for the last few days. It was no wonder she had gone submissive towards me and acted as if I would discipline her harshly when I found her. She had come to expect it from Yukio and, so, she probably felt I would act in the same fashion.

'Ah, Rama, he made me lose so much time with you. Made you miss out on so much love,' I mused to myself, 'things would have been far different if Yukio had never had you. If I could turn back time I would.' I shook my head though, knowing no one was going wave a magic wand, and we had to deal with the fact that Rama had been warped by Yukio, though under that there was still my daughter in there, and I considered myself pretty lucky to have even found her and have her in my life again.

It was far to early to contact Don to let him know about Rama's break through so I just returned to Rama's bedroom to watch over her and be with her when she woke. I sat for hours lost in my own thoughts, before Rama finally woke up, she saw me sitting by the bed and she quickly glanced away, as if embarrassed.

"Rama it's okay. What is wrong, do you want to talk about what happened last night?" I asked gently.

"I don't want to talk about it" she mumbled a bit.

I nodded "Rama, I know it may hurt to talk about it, but through talking you might find the release that you haven't been able to find by keeping things all bottled up," I advised tenderly, "I want to help you Rama but you have to let me in, you have to trust me."

She sniffed and looked my way, staying silent watching me as if trying to gauge how well I spoke, she bowed her head for a moment chewing on her bottom lip before she gave just the tiniest of nods as if to confirm my suspicions.

"Did Yukio ever allow you to be angry at him?" I asked her hoping that she would find that to be a safe starting point.

She drew back huddling near the wall, she swallowed hard and her eyes grew large, she trembled then spoke hesitatingly "If I got angry at him, or told him I hated him he would lesson me" She gulped. "He told me that I was ungrateful and didn't deserve to have his kindness."

"I figured as much. He couldn't let you be angry at him without some sort of repercussion later on." I said, recalling all the times that a two or three year old Rama would yell out at me " I hate you!" Course she didn't have a big vocabulary at that age and when she got upset at my punishments she would express her feelings with those words, as she was unable to say what she truly felt or meant. Course I loved her then; Loved her even when she was in Yukio's clutches intent upon hurting us.

Yukio of course couldn't allow her to express her own feelings, no. She had to love him and be extremely grateful for everything he had done for her, after all things could be worse she could be locked up in a lab and tortured and not be free, or so he had her believe. Brainwashed so completely that she accepted his lies for truths, until too much conflict rose up inside her.

I shook my head as I reached out and touched Rama's hand, "Yukio hurt you Rama and it is perfectly all right to be angry or mad at him for that."

"But he's dead what does it matter?" She asked

"It matters because you feel that way and your entitled to feel these things, even if your feelings don't go along with any one else's. I feel sorry for you, and all, you had to suffer. I feel bad that I wasn't there to protect you or save you from his schemes. I'm so steaming mad at Yukio for how badly he treated you, that ...well I've never felt this angry at anyone before." I told her hoping by my saying this it would give her the strength to be angry at Yukio too, "But I am also aware that you might feel you have to love him, even now, when you are more aware of what he did and why. That's all right too Rama."

She gazed at me in astonishment "That's just it I don't understand how I can, love and hate him all at the same time. It feels wrong to hate him." She confessed, "As if I am betraying him in some way." Her face crumpled a bit as her eyes turned all watery with unshed tears.

"It will take time Rama but Yukio can't hurt you any more" I assured her, "What he did to you was very similar to Pavlov's law." I informed her, recalling that Don had often spoke of that.

"You mean where you ring a bell give a dog a treat and soon the dog expects a treat when he hears a bell." Rama stated.

"Exactly, a conditioned response and Yukio taught you, that certain behaviour or words were not allowed and would bring harsh punishment, in order to avoid that, you, of course did what you had to, just to please him." I gave a rueful shake of my head " Problem is he taught you so well, that even now when you feel angry at him you feel as if you have betrayed him and deserve some sort of punishment." I reached out caressing her face with my hand "It is time you stopped punishing your self and expecting others to do likewise. It is a bad habit but it can be broken if you really want it to be."

"He never really loved me. He might have enjoyed what I did for him" she remarked bitterly, "But he never..." she stopped glancing around nervously as if she expected Yukio to rear his ugly head and reprimand her.

"He didn't have to love you. He just had to make sure that you obeyed him" I pointed out, and she didn't bother to correct me. "You up to a work out today Rama?" I asked figuring she knew how ready she was for practice.

"I have to" she moaned bowing her head with a wearied exhausted sigh, as if she was facing a momentous task.

As far as Rama was concerned she figured as long as she could stand up on two feet she ought to practice, there was, just no excuse what so ever to miss it.

I smiled, "Rama it is okay to miss a day. The city above won't crash down upon you if you do" I jibed, "Besides I think you could use a day off to do things you want to do. Come on we can both play hooky" I entreated.

She gave a quick negative shake of her head " I can't" she protested, "I can not maintain my proper kunoichi skills if I allow myself to slack off just because I don't feel like it."

I almost laughed at her words but knew if I did so she wouldn't appreciate it, so I managed to choke my mirthful reply back down the way it came. "Ramiela, listen to you!" I chided, "You are playing more of his tapes. Kunoichi you are, and a damned good one I might add, I mean you can beat the shell off of Leo when you put your mind to it. You are one impressive ninja and missing one day of practice isn't going hurt you any" I assured her. " I think a day off will do both of us good."

Ever since Rama had come home she had been a stickler for keeping to three or four time a day sessions. I swore the girl worked out far more then Leo even, talk about obsessive. Of course I often had to join her in those work outs if only to keep her from killing one of my brothers. The idea of a whole day off was like a ray of heaven to me at this moment. " What d'ya say Rama, we could stay in and talk, watch movies or we can go out and tour some of New York City. Go to the zoo maybe and watch all the animals gaping at the residents."

I saw a light come up, flicker and die in her eyes almost instantly as if the thought was trying to take hold, she sat up in bed clearly considering my offer, and I took hope in the fact that she hadn't turned me down like instantly.

"I don't know I want to" she admitted in a low whisper, "I'd like to but..." She heaved a heavy forlorn sigh "I'm just so tired of being kunoichi, of being ninja" she complained.

I hadn't expected those words, did Rama really want to give up, turn her back on all of her training?

"Don't you want to be a ninja Rama?" I asked

She gave me a confused, look and hugged her knees close to her plastron "There was a time when I was a little girl that I wanted nothing else, then to be a kunoichi, I remember that was how I felt when I was a child with you. When I got to Japan for my training it was like I had lost all the fun of being ninja. It wasn't fun, it was just something I had to do, and father would tell me that I wasn't good enough I had to work harder even though I was better then many of the other students my age." She sniffed a bit.

I nodded understanding her problem " You're not very happy right now Rama, you have been through so much and you have a great deal to figure out."

She looked up at me "I'm probably just kidding myself any ways I don't know how to be anything but ninja. Ninjitsu is my life. I don't know what I would be if I was not ninja."

I dropped my hand lightly on her shoulder " Personally Rama, I think you may find you enjoy being a ninja when it is no longer connected to Yukio, but to your roots, to who you are inside. Master Splinter and his Master came from Japan, trained as Foot Soldiers but Yoshi was disgraced and left his clan, to be followed by the Shredder who sought revenge." I reached around her giving her a hug " I think that is just one more reason why you ought to take a break today." I suggested kindly.

"Will Leonardo allow it?" She wondered a look of disbelief etched on her face.

I did laugh then "Sure Leo isn't a slave driver. He'll understand. What do you say girl, ready for a day off?"

She nodded "But I really just want to stay at home and rest. I think I could use a long soak in the tub right now" she declared.

"All right, by the time you are ready for breakfast, it will be ready for you, as will your morning tea" I vowed, "I'll get on it right after I let Leo know what's up."

XXXX

We spent a better part of the day talking, Rama seemed to be questioning Yukio's disciplinary treatment, and his way of raising her.

"Was I so horrible Mike? Was I such a rotten child that I had to be treated like that?" She asked of me at one point.

I looked at her recalling all those wild temper tantrums she had thrown as a two year old, or the many rules she had stubbornly broke on a continual basis, and wondered how was I suppose to answer that? I mean she wasn't always a sweet and obliging child, more like a terror. I sighed a bit, "Rama you were a child, and you acted like one. You misbehaved, you got into trouble, you were wild and unruly, but there were times you were fun and loving. No different then any other child I know" I replied kindly.

I sensed she wanted answers perhaps wanted to be ready to accept the truth of the matter, that she wasn't ungrateful or terrible in spite of what Yukio had made her believe. Even though she teetered on the edge of that knowledge, I didn't know if she was fully ready to grasp it and take it to heart. She wanted answers, in hopes they would bring peace and understanding but there was no easy answers, and searching for them brought a great deal of hurt. She cried often, and I sensed it was something she needed to do, a form of release in her search for the truth that laid buried under so many falsehoods.

When ever she broke down in tears, I would pull her into my arms holding her close and reassuring her that she wasn't evil. She didn't shun or reject any of my touches, if anything, she seemed to want to be close to me, for she often huddled up by my side as we sat on the couch and talked about whatever she wanted to talk about, even if we had all ready discussed it moments before, as if she needed to be reassured that what she was thinking was permissible, amongst other things.

By the evening she was wrung out, looking like she was ready to drop from exhaustion, she was wrung out and all conversation had long dwindled into a deep empty silence.

"Mike can we watch some videos or a DVD or two?" Rama asked almost hopefully, " I have the sudden need or desire, to just forget today, at least for a bit, and lose myself in a comedy." She explained.

"I think I have a few comedies here that might work. We can pop up some popcorn, fix up some tea, or I can run out and grab us some sodas" I offered quickly. Her suggestion made me feel so relieved today had been hard on both of us, not much of a break or a rest, so I was glad she was now looking for an escape even if that escape was for short term, we both had far more than enough for one day.

Rama glanced up at me giving a faint, kind, faltering smile "I remember when I was a child you'd make me hot chocolate, with whipped cream on top and..."

"Bits of shaved chocolate on the whipped cream you called sprinkles" I concluded quickly. "My special hot chocolate for my special little girl." I smiled at the memory of that.

She nodded "For some reason I really want some of that right now Mike. I don't know why I want it, but I do."

I thought I understood why, Don had told us that memories were connected to certain senses, like certain taste, words or what have you could quickly remind someone of a specific event in their life. Rama's sudden longing for the hot chocolate was probably a connection to when she had been a part of our family, the hot chocolate was a reminder of the love, caring, and safety in our home. When she had a stable life. So perhaps her desire to have it now, was simply a desire to shun the feeling of being lost and alone.

"I'll make the hot chocolate, if you make the popcorn" I bargained.

Rama beamed at me. "Deal" she agreed readily.

It wasn't long before we were once again parked on the couch huddled together under a large patchworked quilt, while munching the popcorn and sipping the hot chocolate from steaming mugs as we laughed at the show we had chosen, a video tape of different standup comedians doing routines.

Rama was laughing so hard, it was good to hear it, she seemed to delight in one of my favourite comedians who had a wonderful sense of word play that was amusing her to the point where she was holding a hand on her side while she continued to chortle over the jokes.

"He's hilarious" she mumbled when she finally got her breath back, she wiped a tear from her eye "But I'm tired and I think I'm going call it a night now" she stated as she stood up.

"All right sleep well Rama" I replied.

She smiled, "Thanks for everything dad. I really appreciate it and I needed tonight." She gave me a kiss on my cheek before she turned and slipped quietly from the living room.

I sat back in shock, stunned in total disbelief, one palm rested where she had given me a peck on the cheek, yeah I was astonished she had kissed me. That alone was an incredible event considering she often didn't care to be touched.

But had I heard what I thought I had heard? Had Rama said what I thought she did? I replayed her words in my mind and I was sure that it was there, and I was positive she had really said that word, I hadn't just placed it in there myself. No. She had, she did. Rama had just called me DAD!

I was dad not Mike, but dad. Up until now Yukio had been her father and I was Mike but now in one instance that had all she called me dad!

I smiled while inside I was doing the wildest gymnastics in celebration of this momentous occasion, I started to whistle as I began to clean up the mess from the evening.

TBC