Conspiracies and Unresolved Consequences
Chapter 2
Monday 7th August 1876
My Dearest Jarrod,
It is with a heavy heart that I must lay this burden upon your shoulders. I have had more than a few regrets in my life and this story that you are about to read is without a doubt the deepest and most shameful of all my decisions on this earth. Please read this story with an open mind, apportion no blame to the young man in question and find the courage to undo what I have done. This is my story to tell, not yours. Please pass this letter on to each of your siblings so that they too may read my words. I only wish that I was stronger to help temper Nicholas' wrath when he learns of my and your father's failure but I know that if you are reading this my wish has not been granted.
Jarrod, Nicholas, Audra, Eugene,
For once I am at a loss for words and how to start this story to you. I suppose I should take my and your father's advice and start at the beginning but that beginning spans some twenty five years of secrets.
It all started late in the year 1849 when I fell pregnant with my third child, your stillborn brother James. It was not an easy pregnancy and James was born in early January 1850 and not ready for this world. Through my grief and guilt at been unable to provide your father with his third son and James the life that we had wished for him, I drove your father from our marital bed. Jarrod, you were seven at the time and Nicholas, you were nearly four years old. I am sorry Jarrod, that I selfishly left the care of my son and your brother in your young hands while I wallowed in the depths of despair. It was during those first few months after James' death and your father's leaving that Nick gave you the nickname Pappy.
Your father had bought into our first mine in Strawberry at the start of the year 1850, despite my misgivings at the venture. We had several arguments over the purchase as I didn't feel that we had enough capital nor did we need to expand our hard earned holdings to such a risky adventure, especially considering the number of played out mines that had started to dot the landscape in California and other parts of the country. When I pushed your father from my life, and yours Jarrod and Nick, and he realized that his presence here on the ranch only made my guilt more profound he decided to move to Strawberry in the February and oversee the new mine. Jarrod, I'm sure, if you cast your mind back, you will remember those almost four months of your father's absence. You tried so hard to be the man of the house. Do you remember, you would pick wild flowers and Silas (bless Silas, what would we do without him) would help you cut a rose bloom from the rosebushes? You would leave your posy at my bedroom door because I refused to leave the confines of my room but I knew they were there, just from the heady scents. I never told you how much I appreciated those posies Jarrod, how they helped to lift my despair a little each day and for that I am sorry. One of those regrets that I have lived with throughout my life.
Your father was away for four months and when he returned in June to the ranch he was a changed man, in fact we had both changed during his absence. I had learnt to control my grief and guilt, to accept that there was nothing that I, the doctor, your father or even God could have done to prevent James' death. In hindsight, and there have been many years of hindsight, I realized that James was telling me that he knew it was not his time to be born. As to your father's demeanour, I knew straight away that something serious had happened to him during his time in Strawberry. There was no physical evidence, his wounds having healed well before he returned home but emotionally he had changed. Your father had never been a romanticist, unlike you Jarrod, posies and letters, small gifts and trinkets were not his style; he was always so practical. He would see what I needed and buy it, never wasting money on the frivolous even if it would have made me feel loved and cherished. Oh don't get me wrong children, your father and I were deeply in love. His practicality was one of the things that I loved and admired about him. It gave me confidence that we would have a long, successful and plentiful life together, but after he returned home from Strawberry, he would shower me with flowers, small love notes and gifts from his trips into Stockton. Jarrod you may remember how attentive he was to you and Nicholas on his return also. I had never seen him set aside time out of his busy work day to take you both fishing or riding and he started reading you both bedtime stories instead of doing the books at night. I must apologise again to you both because after I confronted him about his changed demeanour and got to the bottom of his behaviour he was a little more reticent to spend as much time with you both.
Nicholas, I am sorry, I know this next part will be especially hard for you to hear. You placed, rightly or wrongly, your father on a pedestal. You have admired and emulated him in the years since his death and you have maintained and exceeded his dreams and vision for the Barkley Ranch and I know that your father would be very proud of you, as I am, but please remember that your father was only human and as fallible as the next man and indeed myself also.
Your father confessed to me several months after his return from Strawberry that he had had an affair. That's correct, your father slept with another woman. I can put it no more bluntly than that. Jarrod, do you remember the loud shouting matches, slammed doors and angry words? And how Silas would help you and Nick steal out of the house to go to the barn and sit in the hay loft with a book until one of us had left the house. I was so grateful to Silas for protecting you and Nick from our arguments.
Eventually I realized that it was my fault that your father found love in the arms of another woman. After all I drove him from our bed, I blamed him for James' death, indeed; for everything that I felt was going wrong with my life. Your father wasn't completely blameless but he assured me that as soon as he recovered his memories he returned to us.
I suppose you are wondering what I mean by that. Just after your father arrived in Strawberry and before he was able to introduce himself to the other mine owners he was viciously assaulted, robbed and left for dead in the alley behind the hotel. The young woman, who worked at the hotel found him, took him to her home, saved his life, cared for him until he was well again and during the four months that she cared for him they fell in love. Nobody knew who your father was and he was unable to tell them because he had lost his memory and any identification papers he had were stolen in the attack. Your father assured me from the time of his return until his death that there was never anyone else after Strawberry except for myself. Over time I forgave him and our love grew stronger, blessing us with two more children, Audra and Eugene.
God forgive me. I was not naïve, I knew what the possible outcome of your father's affair could lead to, but I implored him to never return to Strawberry, to never have contact with the other woman again. Six years later your father sold his share of the mine and we never spoke of Strawberry again and indeed I had not thought of those years until six months ago when Nick and I were stranded in the Sierras during that blizzard and Heath Thomson came to our rescue.
Jarrod you were correct, I have been distracted since our return. I have struggled these last six months with my feelings about certain actions l didn't take when the opportunity arose. Listening to Mister Thomson speak of his life growing up in a mining town, his love for his mother and his mother's two friends who helped to raise and educate him, his bitterness when he admitted that he didn't know who his father was, despite numerous pleas to his mother for his father's name. And the fact that with her death he was now unlikely to ever find his father or his father's family. I felt a deep anger at first as I listened to his story and then deep guilt and remorse and yet I still tried to ignore the truth of what was before me. That ignorance and deep regret at my inability to right a grievous wrong six months ago is what has led to this letter. My heart and body are tired now and I fear it is too late for my chance to put matters to right.
The woman your father had the affair with in Strawberry twenty five years ago was Leah Thomson, Heath Thomson's mother. Heath Thomson is your father's son and your brother.
I implore you all, my children, to not burden Heath with your anger, instead direct it toward those responsible. Your father, Heath's mother and myself. Your brother is not responsible for the actions of your father or his mother and had I not insisted that your father never return to Strawberry, then perhaps our lives and Heath's would have turned out differently. I can only surmise that Leah Thomson never notified Tom of Heath's birth for fear that your father would claim his son and bring him to the ranch. I have no excuse for not speaking up all those months ago in the Sierras and answering all those unasked questions that have plagued your brother since his birth.
Now I am asking you all. Please find your brother, tell him this story and bring him home.
Jarrod
Pappy, as you were forced to become, you have borne so much in this life already, and I am so sorry that I have had to burden you once again with not only the welfare of your siblings but also the ramifications of the actions of your father and myself. I have no doubt that your wisdom, sense of justice and morality and that sharp analytical mind will see this family through the next days, weeks and years to come. I know your father didn't always allow his true feelings to show but Jarrod, believe me when I say he was proud of you and your accomplishments as a son, the man and the lawyer that you have become, as am I. I hope, no I know, you will do right by your brother Heath.
Nicholas,
I am so sorry that you have had to learn of your father's shortcomings in this way. Be angry, that is your right but please do not allow Heath to become a substitute for your father in that anger because he is no longer here. You have met Heath; that is why I have included the picture of your father and Uncle James so that you know that I speak the truth. Heath is your brother. You remarked while we sheltered in Heath's cabin how you admired his horsemanship and work ethic and how you wished you had a hand as good as him. Now is your chance Nicholas for so much more than that. Find your brother, bring him home, embrace him and let him work beside you. This is where he and his horse ranch belong.
Audra,
My sweet daughter and the apple of your father's eye. Oh how he spoilt you as a child and how you loved him. Please do not allow these revelations to tarnish your father's memory. Heath is a lot like you and Tom. How ironic that the son, not of my loins, should look so much like you and your father. Your heart is pure Audra. You find the good in everyone you meet. Remember the good in your father and see that same goodness in the kindred spirit that is your brother Heath.
Eugene,
I find myself apologising once again, this time to you. I am sorry that your cherished memories of your father have been tainted in some way. You of all our children struggled the most in losing your father at such a young age, before you and he could find that common ground that would define your relationship. Remembering your struggles and questions will help you to understand Heath's feelings. Your father would have been so proud of the young man you have become Eugene.
I see each of you in your brother; he is a quiet thinker and considers and analyses his words carefully before speaking, Jarrod; Nick as you already know, he is an exceptional horseman and rancher, just like you; Audra, you will find in Heath a lover of nature and animals and a believer that there is some good in everyone and Eugene he is struggling to find his place to belong, like you the youngest are doing and he is doing it alone. And like every Barkley family member I have ever met he is stubborn. In fact he gives the word stubborn a whole new meaning. Please children, if he will allow it, take the time to get to know him individually and as a family.
I love you all
Mother