Cookies, Disco, and Demons

Disclaimer: Same as before…This story runs in parallel with my story, Journey of a Halliwell. I also do not own the movie Once Upon a Time in Mexico or the series Charmed

Many thanks to RoguefanKC for being the first to crossover Charmed with the Misfits.

AN: Refer to Red Witch's Night of the Firefly about his attack on the Xavier Mansion.

"Friends! Friends! I have friends!" Xi said as he raced frantically about Misfit Manor, hugging anyone who stood still for even 1/1000th of a second.

"OK, who gave Xi cookies this time?" Pitor of the X-men shouted as he struggled to dislodge Xi's stranglehold like hug around his neck.

"It wasn't me." Lance said, innocently.

"Avalanche!" Scott shouted. The X-men arrived at the Misfit Manor for a very important briefing from General Hawk. Not two seconds after they showed up, they were promptly tackled and hugged by a very intoxicated Xi wearing bell bottoms and other 70s disco clothing.

"C'mon, let's get down and boogie!" Xi shouted excitedly, as he pulled Scott into a John Travolta stance.

"Let's not and say we did." Scott replied.

"Come on, Summers, you gotta admit this is funny." Lance quipped.

Meanwhile Xi somersaulted into the air singing, "Oh that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it! Uh-huh, uh-huh!"

He landed on top of Pitor's shoulders and began to start doing Travolta moves on top of his head. "Get off me you lunatic!" Pitor shouted and armored up.

"I'll get him!" Bobby shouted, powering up.

"No Iceman don't, you'll…" Jean began. Bobby splashed at Xi with a shower of ice. Unfortunately Xi did a backwards handspring off of Pitor's shoulders and landed squarely onto Xavier's lap.

"…Freeze his face." Jean continued. Pitor's face was now a solid block of ice and Amara used her powers to melt the ice, but subsequently heated the armor and gave Pitor the equivalent of several bad sunburns. Had it not been for the armor, Pitor's face would have been incinerated.

Lance laughed hysterically at the now red faced Pitor, "Do you know that metal is a good heat conductor…"

"Alvers!" Pitor shouted.

"Shake shake shake! Shake shake shake! Shake your booty!" Xi shouted as he gyrated around the floor, on the walls, and on the ceiling in various disco dancing forms.

"Didn't you guys know about Xi's latest disco fascination?" Althea quipped, "He got into it after Psyche Out gave him a KC and the Sunshine Band album for therapy."

"No, you neglected to mention it! Otherwise I would have brought my John Travolta suit." Scott replied sarcastically.

"You got a Travolta suit, Summers? Groovy!" Pietro said as he sped downstairs wearing a flashy white disco suit with a Misfits logo pendant and a fake white afro, "Yo Xi, let me join the party!"

"I'm the boogie man! I'm the boogie man!" Xi sang out as he tried to dance with an extremely baffled X-23.

"Take your paws off my daughter Lizard!" Wolverine bellowed. He hadn't taken two steps before he was surrounded by a whirlwind.

"Come on and sound your funky horn Wolverine!" Pietro shouted, honking a bicycle horn as he ran circles around him.

Logan noticed his reflection in a nearby mirror and saw that he was dressed in bell bottom jeans and a tie-dyed t-shirt with an equally garish tie dyed headband.

"I made costumes for everyone!" Pietro declared.

"Hugs! Hugs! Hugs!" Xi shouted.

CRASH! DINKLE! SMASH! SLASH!

Cover Girl walked into the living room just then and asked, "OK, can someone explain to me why Pietro and Xi are going completely nuts and dancing around like two Saturday Night Fever rejects."

"To be sure, that was a good film." Ted quipped as he and Emily followed the more senior Misfit handler.

"Cookies." Cover Girl exclaimed, "That's the only explanation."

"That and a few dozen pixie sticks." Emily quipped, noticing several of them around the vicinity of the kitchen counter, "And a three pound bag of B.A.'s coffee."

"OK, you guys got the memo about Xi and cookies being a bad combination, didn't you?" Cover Girl replied.

SMASH! CRASH! CRACCKKK!

"OK you guys, listen up! Who gave Xi cookies?" Cover Girl shouted over a bullhorn.

"Wasn't me." Lance grinned innocently.

"Who said anything about giving Xi cookies?" Ted quipped.

Emily punched him on the arm and gave him a very disparaging look. "You gave him cookies?" Emily asked.

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying alive! Staying alive!" Xi sang out.

"You won't be 'staying alive' for long you mutant gecko look alike!" Bobby shouted as ice flew by him close.

"Not if I get him first!" Logan began.

"Nyet! I want first dibs!" Pitor shouted

"See what you started?" Shipwreck remarked as he dodged a flying dinner plate, as he overheard Emily blaming Ted.

"What, I had nothing to do with this!" Ted protested.

Cover Girl head up a credit card bill, the one for the Misfit grocery account, "Who bought two dozen gingerbread cookies last week?"

"That could have been for anyone." Ted replied.

"No." Cover Girl said, evenly, "I think you went grocery shopping both times last week."

"Damn it, I knew I should've used cash." Ted groaned.

"Normally we trash their place." Shipwreck grumbled, "Say, that's not a bad idea, give Xi cookies and..."

"Oh no you don't Shipwreck!" Cover Girl countered.

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying Alive!" Xi shouted, John Travolta dancing across the floor.

Forge now was following Xi's lead, "Groovy man."

Forge, Xi, and Pietro were disco dancing across the floor. And Ted watched as Cover Girl, Emily, and now Shipwreck were looking on in amazement. Lance and Pitor were rolling around the floor, punching, gouging and wrestling each other while Kitty stood over them shouting frantically for them to stop fighting.

"Somebody's got KP for a month." Cover Girl said, looking straight at Ted.

The Canadian protested, "I had nothing to do with this."

"Boy I'm glad I'm not in your shoes…" Shipwreck quipped.

"And you, Mr. I know somebody told Ted that gingerbread cookies are especially potent on Xi." Cover Girl said, "You two are definitely on KP duty for the next month."

"Rock head!"

"Metal mouth!"

"Whack Job!" Rogue shouted.

"Psycho!" Wanda countered, and objects began to take lives of their own.

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying Alive! Staying Alive!"

The sound of more breaking items could be heard echoing throughout Misfit Manor.

Much later, the kids had been calmed, or what passed for calmed and they sat clustered around the living room as Alan Breck and the crew of the Black Pearl joined the Misfits and their handlers.

"What is it you wanted us to discuss, Roadblock?" asked Xavier, "Or did you invite us for destruction and disco dancing…"

"Ha ha ha ha! Staying alive…" Xi began, still on the tail end of detoxifying from the gingerbread cookies.

Blob said, "Not now, maybe later you can have your little disco dancing session."

"Mmmpphhh!" Pietro said, from the coffee table. After a hectic half hour the Misfits and X-men had wrapped Pietro up like a mummy and duct taped him to the table.

"Actually, Professor X," Roadblock began, "It's a serious matter, as I expect."

"What is it?" Professor X asked.

"Earlier this week we encountered some creatures out in the woods near the Manor." Ted began, "They were about three or four feet tall with glowing yellow eyes and antennae. They started to appear in larger and larger groups around here around Monday of this week."

Just then Firefly walked into the room. "What's he doing here?" Tabitha demanded.

"Nice to see you too." Firefly quipped.

"You weren't exactly polite when you shoved Multiple around, asshole." Tabitha countered.

"When was this?" Emily asked, appalled that anyone would beat up on a child.

"It was the Night of the Firefly." Tabitha replied.

"He's a child!" Emily said, in a rather heated tone, to Firefly, "How could you shove one around like that?"

"Hey! I'm not a child!" Jamie protested.

"Easy, with not as much force as I'd shove an adult around." Firefly smirked under his mask.

"That may have been in the past, but you shove any of these kids around, I'll plaster you full of holes." Ted replied, coldly.

"It must have hard seeing that school bus in Jerusalem last year," Firefly taunted, "All those children burnt to a crisp...Your source was wrong, the Al-Asqa weren't targeting the school, they were going after the buses. A huge foul-up for the Jerusalem YAMAS unit…"

That was as far as he got before a blow from Ted's fist landed on his jaw. "You're gonna regret that Jew-lover!" Firefly snapped and jumped towards Ted.

Ted launched a knee kick that caught Firefly right in the groin, as the latter's momentum crashed into him. Grappling the two fell, hitting the coffee table on the way down and began punching and gouging one another.

"That's ENOUGH!" Roadblock bellowed angrily, "The enemy's the Heartless, not each other. If you don't like it, tough!"

Cover Girl and Blind Master yanked Ted off of Firefly, while Shipwreck yanked Firefly off the floor. The latter, nursing his bruised privates, muttered, "Thanks..."

"Don't thank me." Shipwreck said darkly, "If you harm anyone in this family, Ted's going to have to wait in line while I personally kick the living shit out of you."

"Now, before we were so rudely interrupted," Spirit began, "the creatures we found are known as Heartless. They feed on the hearts of worlds and of people."

"What the hell is he doing here?" Scott demanded, indicating Firefly.

"Those Heartless we killed were members of his unit." Spirit replied.

"If he commands the Heartless, what is he doing here?" Kurt asked.

"He doesn't command them." Cover Girl replied, "They tried to kill him."

"My question is how did COBRA Vipers turn into these Heartless?" Beast asked.

"Xamot and Tomax came to my unit, offering us ways to enhance our physical performance. They showed us Crimson Guardsmen injected with these wonder concoctions. They outperformed my men in every endurance test. I ordered them to undergo the enhancements. At first they outperformed all they opposed, but then they began to get weaker. Hair began to fall out in clumps, skin sloughed away, fingernails fell out, they were bedridden for days and weeks as if near death. But no, death was not their end, I still hear the screams as they felt their hearts collapse inward and in their place were Heartless…"

Logan, despite his dislike for the COBRA saboteur, found the idea of experimentation on soldiers without their knowledge to be deceitful. Inwardly, he fought down memories of his own experimentation, while still looking calm, but he noticed X-23 wasn't nearly as calm. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Where was this base?" Scott asked.

"Somewhere in the Mexican desert just south of Rio Grande." Firefly replied.

"Guys," Ted replied, "I may just know someone who could be of help."

"I didn't know the Israeli Border Guard conducted operations in Mexico." Cover Girl replied.

"We don't." Ted replied, "But the CIA sure as hell does."

"How do you know someone in the CIA?" Blind Master said.

"Ex-CIA, actually. He was there around the time of the Barillo Cartel." Ted replied, "It was Once Upon A Time in Mexico that he worked over there. He lives in San Francisco right now. I think I can get some information on this base, or maybe a lead. Just give me twenty-four hours."

"Ted," Roadblock replied, "Why don't we all…"

"He's not overly trusting." Ted replied, "He might not talk if he knows you guys are around. I'll call to check in every four hours."

"We'll teleport in if you need us." Roadblock replied.

"Good, I'll just throw on some civilian clothes before I go. A Canadian with a nearly shaved head in Israeli battle fatigues might draw a few stares." Ted replied, before he left the room, changed, and teleported to San Francisco.

"Now for the rest of us," Roadblock said, "we're going to be finding out more information about the Heartless as well as working together. And that means training…"

"Oh man," Bobby groaned, "Ted gets to go off to San Francisco and go sight seeing and we've gotta train here at the Pit."

"Hello," Althea snapped, "He's on a mission, jerkoff, he's not exactly going to have time to see the sights."

"And besides, why do you want to go to San Francisco anyway." Pietro asked, "All the hot guys?"

"No that would be you, Speedy." Bobby snapped.

"How crass and unoriginal." Pietro quipped.

"Now wait a minute, Pietro…" Tabitha began, "Didn't Miss March say that…"

"Do you guys want proof? Names? Numbers? Bras?" Pietro shouted.

Hours later, when the rioting had died down, Low Light groaned, "I bet Ted's having an easy time in San Francisco…"

"No kidding." Cover Girl replied.

"Guys," Roadblock said, "I hate to be rude, but I've some bad news to give you dude."

"What is it Roadblock?" Low Light asked.

"We just lost contact with Ted." Roadblock replied, "His teleportation watch transmitter is out.."

Severe combat damage was about the only way a Mass Device transmitter could fail to transmit the user's position…

Ted made his way up the stairs to the third floor apartment. He rapped on the door and a fifteen year old boy of Mexican descent answered. "Is Jeffrey in?"

"Si," the boy replied, "Senor Sands, you have a visitor."

A swarthy man dressed in black, wearing sunglasses with a white-tipped cane walked over. "I heard him come in, Jose." Sands turned towards Ted, "What do you want? Are you another reporter? You want to interview the infamous 'Man With No Eyes'?"

"No, no, and no." Ted replied.

"Wait a second, I recognize you." Sands began, "Ted Griffin? Riverside High School?"

"You've got that in one sitting." Ted replied.

"Yeah, the Canuck Israeli himself." Sands replied, "How have you been?"

"I've been good." Ted replied, "You seem to have changed."

"Yeah, a dentist's drill does kind of put a dampener on one's eyesight." Sands replied, "I was just about to have lunch, would you like to sit down."

"If there's no gun pointed at me when I do so, yes." Ted replied.

"Old habits die hard, my friend." Sands replied, "But in a show of good faith…"

As Sands headed for the dinner table, he put a .45 USP onto the table. A round figured and matronly Mexican woman entered the room.

"That would be my housekeeper, Rafaela. She's Jose's mother." Sands began, "Her Puerco Pibil is excellent."

"Not that excellent, considering you didn't shoot her." Ted quipped.

"Very funny." Rafaela said, "If he shot me, he would have trouble finding anyone to make his pibil."

"It's nothing fancy; it is a slow roasted pork that happens to be my favorite." Sands replied, "Oh I forgot, Jews can't eat pork."

"I'm not Jewish, moron." Ted replied, "I'm Catholic."

"You were head over heels for a Jewish girl, that's close enough." Sands replied, "I seem to remember you were on a big kosher kick in college when I last saw you here in San Francisco for a semester break."

"Whatever you do," Ted replied, icily, "Do not bring Caitlyn into this again…"

"Ouch." Sands replied, "I had no idea she is still such a touchy subject…"

"Keep that up and your eyes won't be the only round things you'll be missing." Ted replied.

"Senor Sands," Jose whispered, "I thought you two were friends?"

"We are." Sands replied, "Insomuch that I haven't shot him."

"Have you met anyone you haven't killed, played mind games with, played bed games with or some combination thereof?" Ted asked.

"Well, I haven't killed you; I've only barely mentioned Caitlyn, who, incidentally, was an unfortunate episode in your life; and I've no intention of taking you to bed." Sands replied.

"Good." Ted replied.

"This has to be something other than a social call." Sands replied, "What do you want? And can it wait for supper?"

"What I want is some info. And I have time to stick around well past supper." Ted replied, "However, it might be best that we discuss this as we eat."

"Depends on what info you want." Sands said, "I may have had a long beat in Mexico, but I don't have all the info."

"What do you know about terrorist organizations and cartels?" Ted asked, "Specifically one known as COBRA."

"COBRA? Not that much. I concentrated a lot of my efforts on the Barillo cartel and its attempted coup d'etat." Sands replied, "However there were rumors of Barillo working together with some group by that name, but I didn't have much to go on."

"So after Armando Barillo died, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, what happened next? Did COBRA move in on his operation?" Ted asked.

"You'll have to ask my replacement." Sands replied, "But before I got transferred out of Mexico, I had quite a bit of funding to create a new counter-terrorist unit to counter the Barillo Cartel. It was called the Bloque de Busqueda or 'Search Bloc'. It should still be around, but it's down to about 170 members from the original 600. Since Barillo was outta the picture, the Mexican government, in their infinite wisdom, transferred most of them all over Mexico. Quite a few of them requested transfer."

"Why?" Ted asked.

"They stopped doing operations against the Barillo Cartel and some COBRA faction up in the North." Sands replied.

"Why?" Ted asked.

"I was getting there." Sands replied, irritated, "Anyway, the operations in the north ceased, because contact with both the surviving Barillo members and the COBRA unit had stopped. And there was some bullshit rumor about some mystical heart eating beasts, but…"

At this Ted froze, "Rumor?"

"Supposedly the more superstitious members of the Search Bloc requested transfer or quit entirely. It's mostly small villages no one gives a shit about around that area anyway." Sands replied.

"Small villages, gentlemen." Came a voice, but not belonging to either Sands or Ted. Ted turned to see Rafaela standing behind them, "A rule of magic. Only let them see what you want them to see. But I suspect you gentlemen won't be alive long enough to know that."

Rafaela had a ritualistic but no less deadly dagger in her hands and Ted stood up, pulled the Israeli Military Industries 941F Jericho handgun from the concealed holster underneath his sweater, turned, and fired the weapon four times. The shots sent four 9mm bullets into Rafaela, striking her stomach, torso and neck in rapid succession. The woman laughed contemptuously and vanished, appearing centimeters in front of Ted and knocking him over, the wounds closing up as if they had never been there. She raised the strange looking dagger over her head and with a sudden realization, Ted knew he was going to die as the athame's blade smashed into his teleportation watch.…

"Sorry." Phoebe Halliwell said as she brushed against a young Hispanic teenager.

As she did so, an image popped into her mind. The image was of a slightly round figured Mexican woman, her eyes glowing maniacally and holding an athame about to plunge it into an innocent.

"Phoebe?" Paige Matthews asked, turning towards her half sister.

"Oh my God, that kid I bumped into, he's an innocent…Some warlock's after him." Phoebe replied. The two sisters followed the boy up three flights of stairs into the apartment building.

Jose Ruiz-Lopez didn't pay much attention to the young woman that bumped into him, aside from the fact that she was good looking. When she started following him up the stairs he quickened his step, his mind racing. Was she some hitwoman from the Barillo cartel after Sands or his mother?

"Wait!" another woman, following the first, shouted.

Jose quickened his step and opened the door just as a .45 caliber slug flew past his head. Obviously Sands had a visitor that wasn't welcome. Maybe Ted was trying to kill him?

"Careful with that thing you fucking idiot!" a shout echoed out of the room, "You almost took my head off!"

Jose froze at the sight that passed before his eyes in the kitchen. He saw his mother holding some kind of weird looking dagger over her head about to plunge it into the Canadian stranger, Ted. Ted was pushing against her arm while knee kicking her in the ribs and Sands was aiming the USP around, firing towards any sound that he heard.

"Whoa!" Phoebe shouted as a bullet streaked right past her head. A swarthy man in black was aiming an H&K USP right at her head, the .45 caliber bore looking like the barrel of a howitzer to her.

"Gun!" Paige shouted and the USP disappeared from Sands' grasp into her hand.

"What the…?" Sands said.

"Athame!" Paige shouted and the weapon disappeared into her hands.

Paige cocked her arm to throw the knife when the boy leaped at her, "NO! Leave my madre alone! Puta!"

"Watch your language," Phoebe warned and grabbed the kid's arm, and as she leaned in a circular motion to the ground.

The woman blinked and Phoebe shouted, "Paige! Behind you!"

"I'll take that." Rafaela said, taking the blade, saying, "The infamous Charmed Ones! I will deal with you later…"

The warlock blinked away. "Madre! Dios mio!" Jose shouted.

"Easy…easy…" Phoebe said as the boy wrestled against her, sobbing.

"Jose…" came a voice.

Through tears the boy looked up to see an ethereal form standing before them. It was his mother, but it was like she was suspended in mid-air like a ghost…

"Mom!" Jose shouted, "Oh my God! Dios mio!"

"Jose, I am fine for now." Rafaela said, "But something terrible has happened. Nazarac has broken free and imprisoned me in her place."

"Nazarac?" Phoebe asked.

"Who the hell are you people?" Sands asked.

Ted got to his feet, aiming his gun. "OK, before we have another Mexican standoff, no offense Jose, let's get one thing straight." Paige said, "We're not here to hurt you people, we're here to help."

"Nazarac is a demon who can take up the form of any human she comes into contact with." Rafaela replied, "She could be anyone."

"Or anything?" Ted replied.

"No, she cannot transform into inanimate objects." Rafaela replied.

"OK, then how do we vanquish her?" Phoebe asked.

"The secret to vanquishing Nazarac was lost 500 years ago, when the Spaniards destroyed the Aztec temples. Quetzalcoatl said that three sisters of great power would defeat Nazarac, but it is not revealed how…" Rafaela said.

"Something tells me we're going to need the Book of Shadows." Phoebe began.

"Way ahead of you." Paige said, jingling her car keys, "C'mon guys, we'll continue this at a safer location."

The group proceeded downstairs, Jose leading Sands down after Phoebe with Ted and Paige bringing up the rear.

TBC (Up next, Ted meets the Charmed Ones while the Misfits and X-men train together…)