Why Did I Say Yes
Nathan asked me out this morning and I could not say yes to him. Actually I began to tell him I only wanted to be friends, but he cut me off and wouldn't let me finish. Then when I told him I'd let him know later, he said let me know when you're ready. I sighed a sigh of relief. Nathan is a good man, but I am not in love with him. I don't want to keep giving him the wrong idea, but he is so hard to communicate with.
As I sit here journaling about Lee and Rosemary being away, I can't help wonder if Lucas will ever return to Hope Valley. Will I ever get the opportunity to explore my feelings for him? He has been away since the New Year. It has been several months since I have talked to him or seen him. He looked absolutely worn out when he left. The fact he did not even tell me good bye really hurt. I have no idea where he went, or even if he will return. I find myself praying and hoping today will be the day he returns to me. He has been my biggest supporter since Jack. I fear now I have let him get away.
There was a knock on the door, I opened it and there he was! I couldn't help but smile. It had been so long since I seen him. I had to restrain myself from throwing myself into his arms with all that I am. When he told me he left because he was feeling jealous, I could see the hurt in his eyes. It was amazing that this man could tell me his story with his eyes. They were mesmerizing. I could read his every emotion just by looking him in the eye. I could tell I had hurt him badly. I had no idea that he was there when I hugged Nathan. Now it all made since. All this time I spent wondering what I did and now I know. When he told me he would tell me about it later, I couldn't help but feel excited to have him back.
The day was pretty much passing as it should. There is a stranger in town, He apparently knows Nathan. Nathan didn't really say much about him, but I sense there is more to that story than he is telling me. As I was talking to Rosemary, he rode up to tell me he was leaving and then he said the weirdest thing. He didn't know what day it was and he told me we wouldn't get to have that dinner. I never told him we would go to dinner. He just assumes and it always makes me feel guilty if I say no. I wish now that I had stopped this earlier, because I am in so deep and he doesn't seem to take no for an answer. He is very pushy.
One of the things that I love about Lucas is he always asks my permission and never assumes too much. He never makes me feel obligated or guilty for my choices. He makes it so easy to love him. He never makes me uncomfortable. When he left it really made me realize how different that feeling was, then the feeling Nathan was dead. I was terrified to think of Hope Valley without Lucas in it.
Later that evening once again Nathan rode back into town and I was standing outside. He asked me out again and of course I made an excuse not to go. Why can't I just tell him the truth? Then when he said let's all go, I felt obligated to go not to make Allie feel disappointed. I have no idea why I said yes to this. Maybe if I walk next to Jack and Allie and keep Nathan at a distance it won't look so bad. The last thing I want to do is walk through town with Nathan to dinner and Lucas see me.
There he is! Great! Now what? How did this get so complicated? My eyes picked up on him immediately; I was always drawn to him. Now here I am about to go on a date with Nathan that I don't want to go on and Lucas is going to see it. How will I repair the distance between us now? Then the worst feeling hit me like a punch in the gut! Here I was with Nathan and Allie and here Lucas was with a beautiful woman with her arms around him. I feel like my heart is sinking. The whole world is crashing down at this moment. Did I wait to long? I froze for a moment and then he spoke. After he said this is my mother, I felt an instant relief. Then my mind turned in another direction. Why didn't Lucas tell me his mother was coming to town? He has always told me everything, I feel so disconnected from him at the moment. The look in his eyes when he saw me with Nathan was enough to make me sick.
As they walked away and I watched him, Nathan spoke and brought me out of my daze. I knew there was no way I could go on this date with him. I did the only thing I could think of, I told him I was sick, because after seeing Lucas's face I was sure it was true. He gave me that puppy dog look of disappointment and once again I feel like I am the worst person in the world.
I'm going to go home and hopefully forget about this day. Until tomorrow may I rest peacefully with the realization I have got to end this triangle tomorrow. I laid my head on the pillow and drifted away into peaceful slumber.