Some Time in San Francisco:
i.e. What Shall We Do With a Drunken Shipwreck?
Disclaimer: Same as before…I had to reference Red Witch's What's New Emu fic for this one…I also don't own 'A Pirate's Life for Me'.
"So let me get this straight." Piper Halliwell began, sipping a cup of tea as she spoke to Sands, "You were with an agency you can't name, working in a Spanish speaking country you can't name, and on an operation you can't talk about you got your eyes gouged out with a dentist's drill."
"That's right, sugar buns." Sands replied.
"Way to bring a blind sexist asshole into the house Paige." Piper quipped.
"He'll take that as a compliment." Ted shouted from the kitchen as he cupped his hand over the phone receiver, "No, ma'am this isn't a prank call. I need you to connect me with the Pit immediately."
"And you," Piper whirled on Ted, "What's your story?"
"It's a long one." Ted replied, and then spoke back into the phone at the unseen and recalcitrant telephone operator, "No, ma'am, I am not a terrorist, or affiliated with COBRA. Listen lady, if I were a terrorist, do you think I'd be calling this line."
"Believe me, I've heard weirder and longer tales." Piper replied.
"She's right you know." Phoebe interjected.
"Listen, judging from that demon chatter you were going on about, I don't doubt anything." Ted replied, and then shouted back into the phone, "Listen! How many Canadians do you know in the Isalmic Jihad?"
Paige laughed as she imagined some frumpy old woman with a paranoid disposition saying something like, "If you want to make a Federal case out of this fine by me…"
"Damn it!" Ted groaned, "It's the answering machine. They must have already gone after me."
"Who?" Piper asked, "What 'unnamed Federal agency' is going to come knocking on my door?"
"Why do you ask?" Sands asked.
"Gee, maybe so I can put my best dress on and have tea and biscuits ready for them before they drag us off for experimentation." Piper snapped, "Before we get treated like mutants. I don't want some giant robot killing machine chasing us around San Francisco like the X-men got chased through Bayville."
"For the record," Ted replied, "They happen to be mutants themselves, the 'unnamed Federal agency' guys. They're called the Misfits, by the way."
"Wait a second, I've heard of these guys." Phoebe replied, "They're that group of mutants that helped the X-men contain all those mutant emus in Bayville. And caused more than their fair share of damage to multiple FOH meetings."
"FOH?" Paige asked.
"Friends of Humanity." Ted replied, "They're a right wing nut-job group that hates mutants."
"Actually, Piper, about our other friend here, this is what I have." Paige began, "Stop me if I'm wrong, but you're a Canadian who has two archaeologists for parents who went on numerous digs all over Israel. You went to school at Oxford, but after you graduated you went to Israel for some reason and joined the Israeli Border Guard…"
"Actually his reason's name was Caitlyn…" Sands began.
"Shut your trap or I'll remove two other important round objects from your anatomy." Ted replied.
"OK. With friends like that, who needs enemies?" Paige said, "Moving on to the next item, you spent nine years in the Israeli Border Guard, six of them in the YAMAS undercover counterterrorist unit in Judea, Samaria, and Eastern Jerusalem and now you work with GI Joe for an exchange tour."
"GI Joe?" Sands replied, "Those assholes…"
"Watch your language, there are children in the house." Leo warned as he walked downstairs with a sleepy one year old Chris in his arms.
"Daddy, what's an asshole?" Chris asked.
"A word you shouldn't say." Leo replied, looking angrily at Sands, "Who's our new guest?"
"Leo, this is Mr. Sands our innocent. Though I use the term loosely." Piper replied.
"Who's preppy boy here?" Sands asked.
"That's Leo, my husband." Piper replied, "So sorry, I'm already taken."
"You're not even my type anyway." Sands replied.
"What is your type, blind, deaf, and dumb?" Piper asked.
"I told you those two wouldn't get along…" Paige replied.
"Well, if a demon's after him, he's going to need protection of the magical variety." Ted replied.
"Phoebe, who is this Nazarac character anyway?" Piper asked.
"She's a demonic shape shifter. She can take up many forms." Phoebe replied.
"Let's see what the Book of Shadows has to say about this." Piper replied.
"On it." Phoebe replied as she dashed upstairs.
"Book of Shadows? Demons?" Sands asked, "What the hell is all this?"
"Can I ask if you have any enemies? Specifically enemies who might want you dead?" Piper asked.
"Well, I don't know, sister." Sands replied sarcastically, "There are members of the Barillo Cartel, some corrupt agents of the Mexican ATF, COBRA factions…"
"Tell me why we're supposed to protect this asshole again?" Piper began.
"Mommy, don't say bad words." Chris said sleepily.
"Nice parenting." Sands quipped, "Listen to your kid."
"Shut your trap." Piper and Leo both snapped at Sands.
There was a knock on the door just then and Piper motioned for Leo to take Chris upstairs to the bedroom where his brother Wyatt was sleeping. Ted reached for his gun and Sands did so as well.
"Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that there's a blind man with a gun in the room?" Phoebe asked, as she walked downstairs.
"He's actually gotten pretty good with shooting blind." Ted replied.
Paige peered through the window and said, "It's Darryl…"
"Wait!" Piper said, as she walked behind Paige, "You said Nazarac can take any form. Ask Daryl something only he would know…"
"Piper, you can't be serious." Paige began.
"I am." Piper replied.
"OK." Paige replied, "Darryl, who was your old partner before you met me?"
"Andy Trudeau." Darryl replied, "Why do you ask?"
"Come in and we'll explain." Piper replied.
"Who's Darryl?" Ted asked.
"He's a policeman, and if he sees two guns aimed at him…" Phoebe warned. Ted stuck the Israeli handgun into the concealed holster underneath his fleece jacket. Sands did the same.
A tall African-American walked into the house as Paige opened the door. "We just investigated a shootout in an apartment near Golden Gate Park…"
"Darryl we can explain." Paige began.
"Why there were almost a dozen 9mm and .45 caliber bullet holes in the dry wall of the apartment of one Sheldon Jeffrey Sands?" Darryl replied.
"Demonic interference." Phoebe piped in.
"Another demon?" Darryl replied, "Why am I not surprised?"
"Be careful it could be anyone." Piper said.
"Wait a second, so you're saying this demon can change form?" Darryl said.
"Exactly." Piper asked.
"That's why you asked me about Andy at the door, in case this demon somehow took my shape." Darryl began.
"Yes." Paige replied.
"Now this demon is after an innocent man named Sands…" Darryl replied.
"…Though we can hardly term him as innocent." Piper quipped.
"Damn right." Sands replied, "I'm a blind man, but I'm not some helpless damsel in distress that needs to be saved by magical wizards."
"I dunno, I can imagine you wearing a dress." Ted sniped.
"This keeps getting better and better." Darryl said, "So I suppose you gentlemen are responsible for the smashed door, the bullet holes and…"
"Scaring the old lady down the hall, yes." Sands replied.
"I didn't get to that yet, but thanks." Darryl replied, "This sounds like the start of a bad joke, a blind man with a .45 and a Canadian guy with a shaved head with a 9mm…"
"Officer, if you'll allow me to make one phone call, I believe I can explain this…" Ted replied.
"You've got five minutes." Darryl replied.
Ted walked over to the phone and dialed a number, "Yes, Roadblock, this is Ted. I'm alive. As I said earlier some demon lady destroyed my comm device."
After about a minute or so Ted added, "Yes you heard me right. A demon lady who can change form. And no, not this Mystique character you keep referring to."
"This job keeps getting weirder and weirder." Darryl remarked, sighing as Ted argued with this Roadblock character on the other line.
"Tell me about it." Paige replied.
Darryl's mobile went off just then and he picked it up, "Morris…Uh-huh…I see, and why am I needed again? Oh no, not him again…Listen keep them on the down low and make sure the meanest guard you can find is watching over him. What he has a friend? Oh God, I'm off to the station."
"What's going on?" Paige asked.
"Apparently a drunk in a sailor suit and a drunk in a pirate getup were disorderly in Golden Gate Park." Darryl replied, "And got arrested for beating up some local punks from the Friends of Humanity to the tune of 'A Pirate's Life For Me'."
"Roadblock, I'll call you back." Ted replied, "What was that again?"
"Two drunks with a nautical motif just beat up a dozen FOH punks to the tune of a Disney pirate movie song my son is so crazy about." Darryl replied.
"Shipwreck." Ted groaned.
"Who?" Paige asked, as she followed Darryl out of the Manor.
"You'll find out." Ted replied as he followed Paige and Darryl.
"Alright Emily," Roadblock asked, "Who exactly did you send on this search party for Ted?"
"I sent Wavedancer, Toad, Avalanche and Xi because they're our most capable fighters with two Joes and Jack Sparrow volunteered to tag along." Emily replied.
"Which Joes specifically?" Low Light asked.
"I sent Cover Girl and Shipwreck." Emily replied.
"You sent Shipwreck out on a search operation? With Sparrow?" Roadblock replied.
"I thought Cover Girl could handle Shipwreck. She almost always does." Emily replied.
"Get ready to post bail." Roadblock quipped, "For I have a feeling someone is in jail…"
"Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!" Shipwreck sang gleefully as he and Jack Sparrow walked through Golden Gate Park with a bottle of rum between them.
"How's that for a good time?" Jack asked.
"Blast! I nearly forgot how great a drink rum can be!" Shipwreck replied.
"Here, let me remind you some more!" Jack began.
"Gladly." Shipwreck said.
"Fags!" Another drunk shouted at them.
"We pillage, we plunder we rifle and loot." Shipwreck sang out as he gleefully knocked out the drunk, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho."
"Hey, no one hits members of the FOH! Prepare to taste cold steel." A thug with FOH stenciled on a denim vest shouted. Polly the parrot flapped over the thug and bit him on the nose.
"Didn't your mother ever tell you it wasn't nice to mess with drunks?" Jack Sparrow began.
"Especially drunk sailors." Shipwreck quipped.
The thug slashed at Shipwreck with a folding knife. "Big mistake son…" Jack said, as he drew out his cutlass and slashed the relatively flimsy folding knife in half.
"Jesus Christ! That thing's real?" the thug said. Meanwhile more San Francisco chapter Friends of Humanity thugs appeared from a nearby copse of trees.
"Who are you people?" another thug asked.
"It's Shipwreck from the Misfits." Duncan Matthews said, "And some idiot in a pirate costume. We can take 'em?"
"Son, I advise you reconsider…" Jack began.
"We outnumber you twelve to two, so you can't advise us on shit!" A thug said, with a nail studded board in his hand.
Duncan smashed the bottle in Shipwreck's hands with the bat. "The rum! They've destroyed the rum! The scalawags!" Jack Sparrow shouted.
"Big mistake…" Shipwreck replied.
"What are you gonna do?" Duncan replied.
A wicked gleam appeared in Shipwreck's eyes and he glanced at Jack, "Are you up for causing a little mayhem, Mr. Sparrow?"
"Certainly." Jack replied.
"Get 'em!" Duncan shouted.
"We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot." Shipwreck sang out as he punched an FOH thug in the mouth, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho."
"Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me." Jack Sparrow sang out, slashing out with the cutlass, "We extort, we pilfer we filch and sack."
"Drink up me hearties, yo ho." Shipwreck sang as he bashed Duncan's head into the pavement, another thug grabbed Shipwreck around the neck and he drove his elbow into the thug's groin, "Maraud and embezzle and even high-jack…"
"Drink up me hearties yo ho." Jack sung out, fighting at half sword's length with two thugs wielding lengths of steel pipe. He bashed one in the mouth with the hilt of his cutlass, "Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me…"
"We kindle and char inflame and ignite," Shipwreck sang as he caught and threw a Molotov cocktail back at two thugs that tried to set him aflame, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho."
"Help! Water! Water!" One thug shouted.
"My butt's on fire! My butt's on fire!" The other shouted as they ran around in circles.
"We burn up the city we're really a fright!" Jack shouted as he chased Duncan and two of his cronies around with his cutlass, "Drink up me hearties, yo ho…"
"We're rascals, scoundrels. Villains, and knaves." Shipwreck sang as he bashed two FOH members' heads together, "Drink up me hearties yo ho."
The sirens of a police car could be heard in the distance and Officer's Clancy and Mulligan dismounted to tend to one of the more bizarre civil disturbances of their careers. They saw the twelve members of a local FOH chapter, a bunch of punk kids that they frequently picked up. These kids, thanks to some fellow named Graydon Creed, kept getting bailed out time and again and it annoyed the two officers to see their smug faces. These twelve thugs were running or lying knocked out on the grass, running from a bearded man in a sailor outfit and another bearded man in a pirate getup.
"We're devils and black sheep - really bad eggs." Shipwreck began as he put a metal garbage can on top of Duncan's head, "Drink up me hearties yo ho."
"Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me." Jack sang as he banged on the garbage can repeatedly with a section of metal pipe, not wanting to dull the edge of his cutlass, "We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do-well cads…"
"Drink up me hearties, yo ho." Shipwreck sang out, as the FOH thugs ran screaming away from them, "Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads…"
"Drink up me hearties, yo ho." Jack Sparrow sang out, "Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate's life for me!"
"HELP!" An FOH thug shouted, bruised and battered he threw himself at Mulligan's feet.
"Save us! They're crazy!" Another began.
"Lock us up! Make us do community service! Just keep us away from them!"
"Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Shipwreck and Jack sang as they chased the thugs.
Ducan ran, the trashcan still covering him from the top of his head to just above his hips. He ran smack into a tree and knocked himself unconscious.
"Ah, me hearties, the thrill of a good fight!" Jack Sparrow said.
"Uh, Jack." Shipwreck said, "Something tells me, we're in for it…"
Mulligan and Clancy did not look happy as they eyed the two thugs, "Look, lads," Mulligan began, "As happy as I am that you beat up twelve of the worse FOH hoods in the city, it's still assault…"
Darryl Morris walked into the station with Paige and Ted in tow. As he headed for the cell block a tall red headed woman, pretty enough to be a model and sporting a US Army tanker's jacket, walked by him grumbling, "I'm not going to kill those two. I'm not going to kill those two…"
"Miss, can I help you?" Darryl asked.
"Yes." The redhead replied, "Do you happen to have a Hector X. Delgado and a Jack Sparrow in custody?"
"Yes." Darryl replied, "Would you like to post bail?"
"Yes. And after I do that, please report a homicide."
"Cover Girl, calm down." Ted warned.
"Ted," Cover Girl replied, "How convenient. I might not want to kill Shipwreck and Jack after this now."
"Let me guess," Paige intervened, "Those are the two idiots that were singing and fighting under the influence?"
"Yeah, and who are you again?" Cover Girl asked, suspiciously eying the other woman.
"Paige Matthews, I'm a social worker with the SFPD." Paige replied, telling a half truth to this 'Cover Girl' person, obviously one of Ted's GI Joe friends.
"So you're posting bail for those two?" Ted asked.
"Attica! Attica! Better conditions for prisoners now!" Polly the parrot squaked from a cage next to Shipwreck's bunk.
"Please post bail." The desk sergeant, a tough looking woman in her forties begged, "That stupid parrot, that drunken sailor, and the pirate wannabe have been driving us crazy for hours."
"Welcome to my life." Cover Girl said as she signed the paperwork and Shipwreck, Jack and Polly were released.
"Who else is with you?" Ted asked.
"Avalanche, Wavedancer, Xi, and Toad, they're outside." Cover Girl replied, "So what did you learn?"
Cover Girl had walked outside with Shipwreck, Jack, Polly, Ted and Paige. Darryl had stayed in the lockup to calm down frazzled prisoners and guards alike.
"Apparently Firefly's base of operations was in northern Mexico and the Mexican police, courtesy of the CIA, formed a unit called the Search Bloc to fight them. But since they turned into Heartless, the Search Bloc has been lying low." Ted replied.
"Heartless?" Paige said.
As Ted opened his mouth to explain, Paige said, "No need to explain."
"You know about these things?" Cover Girl asked.
"More than you think, actually." Paige replied, "We'd better head over to the Manor. There's that shapeshifter lurking around."
The group crammed themselves into Paige's car. The four teenagers that joined them had to sit on each other's laps.
"I don't know about you," Toad replied, "But I'm happy with my seating arrangement."
"Not me." Lance griped, Xi was sitting on his lap.
Finally they reached the Halliwell Manor and Paige opened the door saying, "Piper, no lectures please…"
"Paige, what the?" Piper began, "Who are you guys?"
"Piper," Ted explained, "These are some of my teammates from the Misfits."
Ted pointed them out and said, "Cover Girl, Shipwreck, Xi, Avalanche, Toad, Wavedancer, and Jack Sparrow."
"Why are they here, Paige?" Piper asked.
"Apparently they've been having problems with the Heartless." Paige replied.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" Piper said, "Alone."
Piper half dragged her youngest sister into the next room, "Are you insane? Besides the fact that the Manor is overcrowded, we've got a slight problem called Nazarac lurking around."
"They're having problems with the Heartless. Doesn't this sound like the Rising Darkness Prue was talking about in her most recent letter?" Paige replied.
"It does." Piper replied, "But didn't Prue want this all to be confidential?"
"I'm sure she would have wanted us to help people fight the Heartless. And crazy though these guys sound, I think Prue would want us to help them." Paige replied, "And for all we know Nazarac could be teaming up with them to help attack our innocent."
"OK." Piper said, "They can stay for now, long enough for us to explain to them everything Prue's been telling us with her letters. But there better not be any funny business, or you're on dish duty for a month…"
"I guarantee there won't be any trouble." Paige began.
Just then they heard the strangest sound coming from the kitchen, "Ha ha ha ha! Staying alive! Staying alive!"
They ran in and Piper asked a very shocked Phoebe, "What the hell?"
"I don't know, I gave the gecko looking kid a cookie, like all the others and he suddenly starts dancing and singing disco music." Phoebe said.
Leo walked down the stairs, leading Sands into the room. "What's going on?"
"Play that funky music white boy!" Xi shouted, as he John Travolta danced on top of the kitchen counter.
"Get down from my counter Gecko!" Piper shouted.
"Yeah they were dancin', and singin', and movin' to the groovin'…" Xi sang, and backflipped.
"Bass man turn the power on. Drummer turn the beat. Tenor man come take your stand. Everybody on your feet." Xi continued as he pointed his right index finger and swayed his hips.
"How long is he going to be like that?" Piper asked.
"Give him a few hours and his batteries should wind down." Ted explained.
"Hours?" Piper said, her left eyebrow twitching and a near murderous wrath on her face, "He's going to be singing weird seventies songs for hours?"
"Let's not forget dancing." Shipwreck said, "OW!"
Cover Girl elbowed Xi in the ribs, "Shipwreck!"
"Dance to the music!" Xi shouted as he hung from the ceiling, "Dance to the music!"
"You're lucky you haven't seen his Disco Inferno move." Althea whispered to Phoebe.
"What's that?" Phoebe asked.
"Xi was raised in a genetics lab by an organization called COBRA. Not the nicest people in the world. So Xi has to undergo a lot of therapy to undo the damage they did. Our psychologist, Psyche Out, isn't the most sane person in the world…"
"That's the understatement of the year, if his patient is any evidence." Phoebe replied.
"Anyway, one of Psyche Out's ideas was Disco Therapy and disco dancing." Althea replied.
"I take it that it didn't work?" Phoebe replied.
"It worked. Too well." Althea replied, "Any time Xi finds his 'happy place' it always involves disco dancing."
"OK." Phoebe said, "And what's this Disco Inferno?"
"Xi, as a trained assassin, knows all kinds of martial arts. He combined a lot of his lethal moves to the rhythm of various disco songs. The last group of COBRAs we fought got beat up to the tune of Staying Alive…"
"Oh." Phoebe replied.
"Alright, can we get some kind of order in here?" Sands asked, "I've seen street brawls in Mexico that were less chaotic."
"Ha ha ha ha! Staying Alive! Staying Alive!" Xi shouted as he danced with a very bewildered looking Paige.
"I'm not sure I like your comparison of my wife's housekeeping to a Mexican street brawl." Leo replied to Sands.
"Oh that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Uh-huh, uh-huh!" Xi sang, "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it!"
"One thing's for sure." Paige said, "Nazarac or the Heartless would be insane to attack this place."
"I will survive…" Piper groaned, "If only to throttle that lizard…"
TBC (Up next, the X-men and Misfits train together as the Halliwells share their sister Prue's experiences with the Heartless)
AN: Read my fics Journey of a Halliwell and Once Upon a Time in Traverse Town for further information regarding how Prue is still alive in this AU and for what purpose.