Demons, Parrots, and BA's Coffee
Disclaimer: Same as before…For the record I have no anti-Semitic leanings, I just thought the mental image of a certain character singing 'Hava nagila' was exceedingly funny.
RoguefanKC – Technically Sands isn't a criminal. He was a crooked CIA agent in the movie Once Upon a Time in Mexico.
AN: Leo hasn't given up his powers just yet…
"Hey," Paige said gently as she climbed out of the attic window, onto the roof, "Cover Girl said I might find you up here."
"It's not quite the top of a large boulder, but it'll do." Ted replied.
"Can I ask you something?" Paige asked. Ted nodded, and she continued, "Why would a Canadian join the Israeli military?"
"If you spend enough years in a place, it starts to grow on you." Ted replied, "As a boy my family shuttled between Vancouver and the Holy Land every summer. I guess Israel grew on me after a while, I started to fall in love with the culture and the history of the place."
"I remember you said you used to live here for a while." Paige began.
"My paternal grandfather was American, and obviously my Dad was too." Ted replied, "When Grandpa got sick when I was about to enter high school, my folks moved down here with me to keep an eye on his affairs and help Grandma through the grieving after he died."
"I'm sorry." Paige replied, putting a sympathetic arm around Ted's shoulder.
"I take it Xi's calmed down?" Ted asked.
"More or less. It took Phoebe a while to write a soothing spell to calm Xi down, too bad we couldn't find one for Piper's nerves." Paige began, "You should have seen him doing triple backflips to Play that Funky Music White Boy."
Ted chuckled lightly, "Hanging around Sands and the Misfits will fray anyone's nerves. And I've seen my share of him acting like that."
Paige yawned, "It's late, but Piper wants to call a meeting about Nazarac and what we know of the Heartless."
"I could use some coffee, but not nearly as badly as you guys, because I've still go jetlag." Ted replied.
"So why the roof?" Paige asked, as Ted climbed back through the window back into the attic, and then took her hand and guided her back to the floor.
"Whenever I need to clear my head, I always do it outside." Ted replied, "Sometimes climbing on rooftops, if there aren't any large boulders, hillsides, or cliff faces to climb on."
"You're a climber." Paige replied.
"How did you guess?" Ted replied.
"Your hands and fingers have weird calluses all over them." Paige replied.
"What can I say," Ted began, "It's an obsession."
Piper yawned, as she walked over the coffee pot. It was almost midnight and they still had to discuss Nazarac and what they knew of the Heartless from Prue's letters.
"Do we have any coffee left, sweetheart?" Leo asked Piper.
"Sorry, we only have decaf. We haven't had strong coffee around the house since Prue…" Piper replied.
"I may have just the thing." Jack Sparrow began, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I want to apologize for all the damage Xi did and extend me own olive branch…"
Jack produced a three pound bag from a pocket and put it on the counter. "What is it?" Piper asked suspiciously.
"It's a solution to your coffee shortage." Jack said, "Something that will do your late sister, Prue proud."
"She's not dead." Piper said, "Well, technically she was killed, but was resurrected on another world, it's kind of a long story…"
"Ah, I'm sure we'll hear it." Jack replied.
"Since when does coffee carry a warning label in half a dozen different languages, including Ancient Egyptian?" Leo asked, raising an eyebrow at Jack.
"It's a special kind of coffee." Jack replied.
"Warning:" Piper said, as she read the label, "Has been known to cause spontaneous insanity when consumed by mutants…I don't know about this stuff."
"That's only if the kids get their hands on it." Jack replied, "It can't be that bad for you. You aren't mutants."
"I guess it can't hurt." Piper said, as she opened the bag and sniffed, "Hmm, this stuff smells good."
Little did Piper realize she would regret saying that. She brewed a pot of the coffee and handed a cup to Leo. "You're too good to me." Leo said, as he sipped it. The first sip felt like being kicked in the diaphragm by Pheobe with a hard soled shoe. A grin spread across his face, he had to have some more…
"Leo?" Piper asked, "Are you OK?"
"I'm better than OK! I'm feeling great!" Leo replied.
"There's something very weird about this coffee." Piper replied.
"What on Earth?" Paige asked as she and Ted walked downstairs into the kitchen to see Leo dancing around in a circle.
"Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Ve nimecha! (hic)" Leo sang out as he twirled himself in a circle with a cup of coffee in one hand.
Too late Jack Sparrow realized that BA's Coffee was the equivalent of a dozen shots of tequila and lime for a Whitelighter. "Jack…" Piper said, her voice taking on a dangerous tone, "Prepare to die…"
Jack ran around the kitchen as Piper chased him with a frying pan, "Come back her and get brained like a man you scalawag!"
"Thanks for the compliment!" Jack replied. CLANG! The pan struck him upside the head, "OUCH!"
Leo snagged Jack's arm with his own and twirled with the staggering pirate for a few seconds. "Hava nagila! Hava nagila!" Leo continued to chant, with a huge grin on his face as he sipped more of the coffee, "Hava nagila! Ve nimecha!"
Piper continued to chase Jack through the kitchen, "I wasn't alone in this! Blame Shipwreck! He snuck it out of the Pit…"
"What is this stuff?" Phoebe asked.
"It's coffee, of course." Cover Girl said, "But it's a coffee unlike any you've ever seen."
Phoebe said, "It's almost like he's drunk on shots bourbon with a beer chaser apiece."
"That's BA's coffee. For normal humans it will have them wired for days." Cover Girl replied, "For mutants, and whatever Leo is…"
"He's a Whitelighter, a kind of guardian angel for witches." Phoebe replied.
"For mutants and apparently Whitelighters, drinking BA's coffee is like drinking alcohol." Cover Girl sighed.
"So how long is he going to be dancing around to traditional Jewish songs?" Phoebe said.
"It'll wear off in a few hours…" Cover Girl replied.
Piper stopped chasing Jack around the kitchen, "Wait a minute, you're telling me that my husband is going to be singing traditional Jewish songs and dancing around like a moron for hours?"
"Yes." Cover Girl said.
"Jack Sparrow! You are dead! You hear me! DEAD!" Piper shouted.
"Help!" Jack shouted as Piper chased him all over the house.
"Hava neranena! Hava neranena!" Leo continued.
"Phoebe." Paige said, "Please use that soothing spell…"
"On it." Phoebe said, "Oh substance of omen ill. Leave Leo's system, if you will. His antics are of great woe. Leave his system with due haste and go."
"What happened guys?" Leo said, when he regained sobriety and noticed everyone staring at him, "Piper, why are you strangling Jack?"
"Mazeltov." Ted replied, grinning and humming the tune to Hava Nagila. Paige couldn't help it and chuckled as well.
Leo stared at both of them, puzzled until Piper spoke up, "You got a little drunk honey."
"Drunk?" Leo asked, "All I drank was that coffee. I normally don't get that way with regular coffee."
"Well, B.A'.s is some sort of special blend." Cover Girl said, "It is scientifically proven to cause mutants, and apparently Whitelighters, to act like their severely drunk. For normal humans, it just makes them wired for several days."
"Oh." Leo said, as Piper continued choking Jack.
"Air…." Jack Sparrow begged.
Sands laughed as he heard all the commotion going through the house. "I take it back, Piper, this house is a lot more entertaining than a Mexican street brawl. It's almost as much fun as a Mexican cantina at happy hour…"
Piper clobbered Sands in the head with the frying pan that was next to her foot after releasing a gasping Jack. "OW! You're not supposed to hit a blind man…"
"I wonder if the Barillo cartel should have removed your tongue instead." Piper quipped.
"Awk! You should stock more than just light beer in the fridge lady." Polly said.
"Did that parrot say what I think he did?" Paige asked.
"I'm afraid so." Ted replied.
"What kind of demented bird is beer crazy?" Paige asked.
"This kind." Ted replied, "And let's not forget it isn't only beer he craves…"
"Awk! Is there a liquor store around?" Polly demanded, "Polly want some Jim Beam."
"Alright bird!" Piper said, gesturing with her hands.
"Piper, don't blow up the bird." Paige warned.
"Blow up the bird?" Shipwreck said.
"Piper's powers are stopping molecules, which mean freezing time, or accelerating them, i.e. causing things to explode." Paige replied.
"Wait a second lady! No one harms my parrot except me!" Shipwrecked piped in.
"Awk! Like you could even succeed! Awk!" Polly said, flapping his wings.
Piper flicked her wrist and Polly froze in mid air. "Perfect." Piper said and tossed Polly into a decorative bird cage.
"Piper," Phoebe said, "I don't know if that thing can hold an actual bird…"
"Phoebe, it's the only thing we have." Piper replied, "…Besides he's just a dumb bird."
"Piper, people have had some serious problems when they've underestimated Polly in the past." Althea warned.
"Yeah, Polly has escaped from a maximum security COBRA prison on no less than eight separate occasions." Lance warned.
"We do have more pressing concerns, guys." Paige interjected, "Especially one named Nazarac."
"She's right you know." Cover Girl began. Phoebe walked by on her way to the sink for a glass of water when she brushed against Cover Girl.
Cover Girl's mouth was opening and closing, her eyes widening. From lip reading, Phoebe could see her saying the words: "Shipwreck! Watch out!"
She saw Cover Girl flying over the edge of a roof somewhere in the city and heard the woman's last screams mixed with a cackling that had to be Nazarac's. She saw the hooded figure waving a wand that looked like a bunch of vines twisted together, and evidently this wand had caused the former runway model to fall to her death…
"Oh my God…" Phoebe paled.
"What's going on?" Cover Girl asked.
"Phoebe just had a premonition." Paige explained.
"Great, tell them more about us why don't you." Piper remarked, "Maybe if we're lucky we'll only have one robot death machine chasing us around!"
"I sure meet the weird ones on this job." Sands remarked.
"What did you see?" Cover Girl asked.
"I saw you die." Phoebe said, "At some time, Nazarac is going to kill you."
"Over my dead body." Shipwreck remarked, "No one harms any member of my family without coming through me."
"Shipwreck," Phoebe began, "It was you that she died trying to save."
"OK, what can we do to prevent this?" Ted asked.
"We have to find Nazarac before Cover Girl and Shipwreck do." Paige replied.
"I thought Sands was our innocent. Though I wouldn't mind if a demon got to him first." Piper remarked.
"You know, I was right about guessing you'd be a total bitch." Sands replied, "Have you lost your post baby weight yet?"
"Watch it Mister." Piper said.
Leo frowned as he heard Sands throw several insulting remarks at Piper. The man had been nothing but obnoxious since he had shown up at the house. Leo had been as understanding as he could, but this was starting to really anger him.
"Oh, so you've put on a few pounds…" Sands began before a blow from Leo's fist struck him on the jaw.
"Not very angelic behavior, is it?" Sands replied, nursing the knot in his jaw.
"Listen, mister, innocent or not, I'm sick of you making derogatory remarks to my wife and my in-laws." Leo said, his voice radiating controlled anger, "They're trying to help you, and you're not helping yourself by being an ungrateful prick."
"Well, tough shit." Sands replied, "I killed three members of the Barillo cartel mere hours after my eyes were gouged out. I'm not some quavering little blind man wanting or needing the help of three ladies claiming to be witches. If you're so damn powerful, why not restore my eyesight!"
"There are limits to what we can do." Paige replied calmly.
"There are limits to what we can do." Sands said, mimicking Paige, "You're powerful, supposedly, and you can't do jack shit for my eyes, or lack thereof."
"Why would Nazarac want you dead?" Piper asked, and then sarcastically added, "Gee I don't know, maybe it's your oh so warm personality…"
"Piper, that's enough!" Cover Girl said, "Look, the enemy is this Nazarac lady and the Heartless, not each other."
"Phoebe," Shipwreck asked, "Don't witches have spell books or something to tell them what kinds of spirits exist out there?"
"I've already looked in the Book of Shadows." Phoebe said, "And there's good and bad news. Which news do you want first?"
"The good news." Piper replied.
"The good news is there is an entry on Nazarac." Phoebe replied.
"And the bad?" Paige asked.
"There really isn't anything about how to vanquish her in the Book of Shadows…"
"Great, a fucking demon lady is after me and you guys have no way to kill her?" Sands replied, "Fat lot of good three witches can do…"
"That's enough!" Paige snapped.
"I say we throw him outside and use him as demon bait." Piper added.
"However," Phoebe added crossly, "There is a spell to track him."
"Oh no!" Piper said, "I'm not getting turned into a dog to track down this demon lady…"
"Funny, you're halfway there." Sands replied.
"Shut your trap." Piper remarked, "Why they think you're an innocent I can't imagine."
"Anyway, the tracking spell doesn't involve turning anyone into anything." Phoebe said.
"Why do I get the feeling that this night is going to get even stranger?" Lance asked Xi.
"Probably because it is." Xi replied, "Say, Piper's cookies are fantastic…"
"Oh no…" Lance replied.
"Relax," Xi said, "I didn't eat any more of them."
"It just says a bird of color and cunning will find the demon that changes shape." Phoebe said.
"FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE AS A BIRD!" Polly sang, as he broke through the bars of the decoration bird cage.
"You are a bird." Piper said, "And if you don't want to get turned into tomorrow's blue plate special, you'll listen to us."
"We need you to track a demon for us." Paige replied.
"Awk! What's in it for me?" Polly began.
"A bottle of beer." Paige offered.
"Awk! That light beer? No thanks! Awk!" Polly flapped his wings.
"How about a bottle of the finest Jose Cuervo you've ever tasted?" Shipwreck wagered.
"From your secret stash?" Polly said.
"Yes, from my secret stash." Shipwreck conceded.
"Awk! Shiver me timbers! Shiver me timbers!" Polly replied.
"I think he means yes." Ted replied, at Paige's quizzical expression.
"OK, Phoebe, hit it." Piper said.
"Bird of color and cunning of Quetzalcoatl's plume. I bless your eyes and wit so you may sense impending doom." Phoebe said, "May your eyes see through guile and disguise. Let Nazarac not you surprise…"
Polly was bathed in a stream of colored light and his eyes glowed a weird greenish tint. He looked straight at Paige and cackled, "Nice underwear."
Paige reddened. Phoebe had just given Polly X-ray vision as a power, so that he could see through Nazarac's disguises. Sadly he was able to see through the clothing of everyone in the household.
"Great, our lives are depending on Shipwreck's Peeping Tom Parrot?" Piper said.
"We're doomed, aren't we?" Lance asked, "Polly is going to save the day? We're doomed."
TBC