Of Shapeshifters, Coyotes, and Complaints

Disclaimer: Same as before…

"OK bird, do your stuff!" Piper said, opening the door. Polly flapped out the door.

"Now what?" Cover Girl asked.

"We write a spell and figure out how to vanquish Nazarac." Phoebe replied, "We've done this before…"

"How do you track someone who can change their shape at will?" Ted asked.

"We've got plenty of experience with that." Althea began.

"Shapeshifters?" Ted asked.

"Uh-huh." Toad replied, "Genetically engineered assassins, yes. Demented Greek, Egyptian, and Norse Gods, yes. Demons from other dimensions, yes. We have plenty of experience with the bizarre."

Ted looked at them, raising an eyebrow, "Odd…"

"Demons?" Piper said, dangerously, "You guys…"

"Not evil, per se, just insane." Lance explained, "You see my ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend who's sister Illyana is the demonic ruler of another dimension…"

"OK," Piper said, turning to Leo and pointing at the Misfits, "You want us to work with people who have demons for friends."

"To be fair, honey," Leo began, "Phoebe did date a demon for a while…"

"Then became Queen of the Underworld!" Piper snapped.

"Is she always like this?" Ted asked Paige.

"Mostly." Paige replied, "But Piper obviously has a lot to lose. Us. Her children. Leo…"

"I understand." Ted replied, "Trust me, in Israel that's our attitude on a national scale. We're a small country forever protecting our borders and policing our territory."

"What did you do while you were over there?" Paige asked.

"I served in our Border Guard's undercover counter-terrorist unit." Ted replied, "We basically become what we hunt, insomuch that we adopt Arabic dress, language, and culture. It took me over a month when I came home to get used to using a fork again."

Ted said something in Arabic and Paige asked, "What did you just say?"

"I just said 'The lovely redhead seems amused' In Arabic of course." Ted replied.

Despite herself, Paige blushed. "Flattery will get you nowhere." Paige said, smiling. OK, down girl, get back on track here. Sure he's cute and off the beaten path, but we've got a demon to track down.

Come on Griffin, quit thinking with your hormones, you've got an asset to protect. Forget the cute red head and get on with it. Ted thought. Note to self; ask her what she's up to Saturday night.

"If you two are done fooling around, maybe we can go find this demon, oh I don't know…before she kills me!" Sands began.

"Are things always like this when you guys chase demons?" Althea asked Phoebe.

"Usually, but innocents usually aren't this much trouble." Phoebe replied.

They heard a loud bang from the kitchen and a plume of thick, black smoke streamed out of the kitchen. Piper came out of their coughing.

"You guys don't seem bothered." Paige said to Lance, Xi, Althea, and Toad.

"That's because explosions are really common at Casa Delgato." Althea replied.

"No offense," Paige began, "But it sounds like your house is a nuthouse."

"None taken, believe me." Althea said.

"I am not the chief nut of Misfit Manor!" Lance shouted at the air.

"It's starting again, guys." Toad began.

"What's starting again?" Piper said.

"Uhm, Lance's former boss used to inject him with all sorts of chemicals to enhance his powers." Shipwreck replied.

"OK, do those powers include yelling at the air like a raging lunatic?" Piper asked.

"You see, sometimes he has visions of an imaginary enemy." Shipwreck said, as the house shook.

"What the – ?" Paige snapped, "There aren't supposed to be any earthquakes."

"There weren't, but Lance's powers include creating seismic phenomenon ranging from terraforming to earthquakes." Ted replied.

"Now you choose to tell me?" Piper said, whirling angrily on Ted.

"To be fair, you never asked." Cover Girl interjected.

"I've heard of imaginary friends, but this is ridiculous." Piper said.

"Not entirely." Phoebe replied as she saw Lance rolling on the ground punching away at a silver coyote.

"You can see it?" Cover Girl asked.

"I don't see anything." Paige replied.

"Guys, it's obvious. Lance is pummeling a silver furred coyote." Phoebe replied.

"Are you sure you're not seeing things?" Shipwreck asked.

"Can't you guys see that silver coyote that Lance is beating up? Can't you hear it insulting him?" Phoebe asked.

"Lady," Shipwreck said, "All I see is what we always see, and that's Lance rolling around punching air."

"Die! Die! Die! Die! DIE!" Lance shouted in the background.

"Can you get more original than that?" The Coyote laughed.

"Hey, quit picking on Lance!" Phoebe shouted.

"You can see him?" Lance asked.

"Can you?" Phoebe asked, rhetorically.

"I wish I couldn't see this stupid silver dog." Lance growled, "Yes I called you a dog! Yes I know you're a coyote! And yes you're a flea infested, silver furred, drag queen mongrel!"

"That boy has issues." Leo said.

"You think." Piper began.

"Hey! No one insults Lance but us." Althea snapped.

"You know," Phoebe said, "This coyote of Lance's might not be entirely a hallucination. It could have magical roots."

"Then how come I can't see it?" Piper asked.

"I don't see anything either." Paige added.

Phoebe thought of a spell, "Creature of another plane. Cause of Lance's woes and pain. Invisible to all but him and I. Be seen for all by the naked eye."

In the middle of the room appeared a large, silver furred coyote. "I don't believe it!" Piper said.

"Oh no…" Toad moaned.

"It's there in the eyes of children. All their faces smiling in the windows!" The Coyote sang out, "You can come on out, come on open the doors. Brush away the tears of freedom. Now we're here, there's no turning back. We have each other. We have one voice."

The Coyote started bouncing and dancing around the room and Lance started making tremor after tremor in an attempt to kill it.

The Coyote nimbly evaded them all, singing out, "Hand in hand we will lay the tracks.Because the train is coming to carry you home."

"Phoebe," Piper said calmly before shouting, "Your train of thought is a runaway!"

"Come dance with me. Come on and dance into the light. Everybody dance into the light." The Coyote sang as he danced with a very startled Paige.

"Lance, I must admit your imaginary enemy certainly has good taste in music." Ted quipped.

"TED!" all the Misfits and their handlers shouted at him.

"What, I like Phil Collins." Ted remarked.

The Coyote sang, "A British tar is a soaring soul, as free as a mountain bird…"

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Lance shouted as he chased it with a meat cleaver.

"NO! Lance! Do not use my cutlery set to kill your imaginary enemy!" Piper shouted at Lance, who chased the Coyote out the front door.

"Phoebe…" Piper said, menacingly advancing on her younger sister, "Do you realize you just loosed a Coyote with annoying tendencies being chased by a mutant with the power to make earthquakes on the city?"

"Yes." Phoebe squeaked nervously under the collective glares of her sisters and the Misfits and everyone else in the room except for Sands (giving the last one's lack of eyes that was understandable).

"Come on guys, we've gotta find that Coyote before he causes any more destruction." Cover Girl said.

"Wait! Don't go out there!" Phoebe shouted, "Remember my premonition! Nazarac could kill you guys!"

"We can't just let Lance and his imaginary menace cause havoc through the city." Cover Girl protested.

"I'm going with you guys then." Paige replied.

"So am I." Phoebe volunteered, "I brought that thing to life, I need to vanquish it."

"Ted," Shipwreck said, "Stay behind with Sands."

"Forget it!" Piper snapped, "I'm not about to put those two in the same house, they'll kill each other."

"Fine." Shipwreck said, "I guess I'll stay with Sands."

"And I'll do so as well." Jack replied sheepishly.

"Why?" Piper asked.

"Uhm, it has something to do with a very graphic threat Cover Girl made if I ever set foot out of doors for the rest of our time here…" Jack replied.

"I'll call Darryl." Piper said, rolling her eyes as the team consisting of Cover Girl, Ted, Paige, Phoebe, Toad, Xi, and Althea walked outside to Paige's car.

"Daddy! Doggie!" Little Darryl Jr. gurgled.

Darryl walked out of the kitchen, into the living room where his son had been watching cartoons, he held a glass of water in his hand and was sipping it.

"That's great son and…" Darryl spit the water out of his mouth as his eyes widened, "What the hell?"

In the middle of the floor was a large silver coyote, lying on its back as little Darryl Jr, rubbed its midsection.

"Darryl?" Sheila asked, as she walked into the "What's going on here? Don't swear in front of our little boy…What the hell?"

"Mommy! Daddy! Doggie!" Darryl Jr. said as the Coyote licked his face.

"Where did you come from?" Darryl said, dropping to one knee to look for an identification tag.

The Coyote stood up on two legs and started to dance around, "I come from the land of the ice and snow! Where the midnight sun and the hot springs flow!"

"You can talk?" Darryl said, stunned.

"Give the man a prize." The Coyote said.

The phone ran just then and Darryl answered, "Morris. OK, I'll tell you right now that I've located one half of the 'crazed duo' you described. Keep it occupied? That shouldn't be too hard; it's singing and dancing all over my living room."

"Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Hava nagila! Ve nismecha!" The Coyote sang, as it donned a small blue yarmulke and twirled across the floor.

"Die! Die! Coyote!" Lance shouted as he burst through the door with murder in his eyes, his words matching the rhythm of the song, "Die Die! Coyote! Die Die! Coyote! Why won't you die now?"

The house shook as Lance launched another tremor at the Coyote which kept running all over the place.

"Correction, get while my house is still standing." Darryl replied.

"Four footed flea farm!" Lance shouted, as he chased the Coyote across the lawn.

"Seventy-six trombones…" The Coyote sang as Lance chased it around with an ax.

Paige slammed the brakes as she saw a very familiar coyote run across the street, chased by Lance wielding an ax. Standing on the sidewalk was a very harried looking Darryl Morris, without a tie and with his shirt's top button undone. He was waving them down.

"Please tell me you're going to vanquish that thing." Darryl began, as Paige rolled the window down.

"Not exactly, more like contain it until the spell that brought it to life breaks." Phoebe replied.

"And when will that be?" Darryl asked.

"It should be over by midnight or so." Phoebe winced, "Midnight tomorrow that is."

"By midnight tomorrow half the city might not be standing with your friend making unexpected earthquakes…" Darryl said.

"Can't you call the dog catchers or something?" Phoebe asked.

"Maybe." Darryl replied.

"Well, we'd best get to chasing this fellow." Shipwreck replied, "Xi, Toad, you're with Ted. Althea, stay with Cover Girl and me. We'll cut them off with the car."

"I'm going with you guys." Paige replied, putting the car in park, "Phoebe, you're driving. And don't screw up my car…"

Paige, Ted, Xi, and Toad chased Lance down the road while Phoebe drove the car around into the possible path of the Coyote.

As they drove down the road, Cover Girl said, "Shipwreck, there's Polly."

Indeed, a couple blocks away, they could see a green and yellow parrot dive bombing something or someone behind a house. "Step on it Phoebe." Shipwreck began.

They stopped and saw a middle aged housewife swinging a broom as Polly climbed away from her. "It's about time!" Polly said, flapping his wings, gaining altitude and then diving.

"Dive! Dive!" Polly replied and pecked the old lady.

"Bad Polly! Don't hit the nice lady!" Cover Girl shouted and stormed over.

"Oh thank heavens you're here, miss. I was sweeping my patio when this crazy bird starts attacking me and…ack!" The woman shouted as Polly made another kind of attack.

"Bombs away!" Polly said.

"Bad bird! Bad bird!" Cover Girl said, "I'm so sorry miss…"

"It's quite alright." The housewife replied, as she vainly attempted to wipe parrot poop off of her clothing. "And one more thing, the first rule of magic is, only let them see what you want them to see…"

The housewife waved her hand in front of her face and standing before Cover Girl was an old crone in a black cloak with a crooked nose and wisps of silver hair and wrinkles. "Nazarac."

"Awk! I tried to tell you! Awk!" Polly said, diving down towards her.

Nazarac raised the wand and sent a beam of strange energy that lanced into Cover Girl and sent her flying into the patio railing. She stood slowly, her left ankle experiencing a sharp pain and fell back down again. Something struck her in the neck and she passed out.

Shipwreck drew out his double Eagles and fired four .50 caliber Action Express rounds, hitting Nazarac in the chest. The first round alone should have totally obliterated her heart. Given the fact that Nazarac was not human, the half inch slugs were the equivalent of being hit with several grapes thrown by a two year old child.

Nazarac sent Shipwreck flying onto the bumper of Paige's car, leaving a huge dent. Before Nazarac could apply the coup d'grace, she was knocked over by a huge, silver furred Coyote. She stood up to face this latest irritant when she was promptly walloped upside the head by a croquet mallet. Lance was swinging the mallet and shouting, "Die Coyote! Die!"

"Whoa! Demon!" Paige shouted, skidding to a halt.

They saw Cover Girl lying half conscious on the grass below the patio and Shipwreck on his back atop Paige's car. Ted pulled his IMI Jericho 9mm and squeezed of three shots, all of which clustered in a tight pattern around Nazarac's chest.

"Uh, Ted," Paige replied, "We've established that bullets don't hurt her."

"I don't see you guys coming up with anything." Ted replied.

"Logs!" Paige shouted, and the stack of firewood went flying towards Nazarac, striking her repeatedly.

Nazarac laughed with contempt, "You think because you are one of the Charmed Ones you can stop me? It took every shaman and wizard at the disposal of the Aztecs to entrap me…"

"Wand!" Paige shouted, and the wand orbed out of Nazarac's hand.

"Paige, shut your eyes!" Ted shouted, withdrawing a silver canister about the size of a soda can from underneath his fleece jacket.

Paige complied and Ted pulled the pin and rolled the grenade right in front of Nazarac. The device exploded in a flash, temporarily blinding Nazarac and disorienting her with the explosion.

"We've got to get back to the Manor!" Paige declared, clutching Nazarac's wand.

Lance helped Althea drag Cover Girl to Paige's car while Xi helped Shipwreck. The Coyote jumped in through the passenger side window. "Hit it tootsie!"

Phoebe glared at the Coyote for such a blatantly sexist term and stomped on the accelerator, speeding to the Halliwell Manor.

"There's nothing I can do." Leo said, "The poison that Nazarac hit Cover Girl with isn't like anything I've ever dealt with before."

"That's the bad news." Phoebe said, "The good news is, it won't kill her, yet. The bad news is, if we don't vanquish Nazarac in the next twenty-four hours, she will die."

The two were standing far away from the couch where they had laid the wounded Cover Girl. Phoebe had put two pillows underneath her head and Shipwreck had gotten her a glass of water.

"Hey," Shipwreck said, kneeling by her side, "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible." Cover Girl replied, "My head is throbbing, Sands' cane hitting the floor sounds like a jackhammer, and it feels like the North Pole in this room."

Shipwreck draped a blanket, one of several Piper had folded inside a laundry basket in the kitchen, over her. "Better?"

"Much." Cover Girl smiled weakly.

"Ted, go get a wash cloth and soak it in cold water." Leo said.

Ted complied and when he finished he handed it off to Leo who put it on Cover Girl's forehead. Shipwreck said, "Courtney, hang in there, you can fight this…On that note, do you need anything?"

"I could use some more water." Cover Girl replied, and then added weakly, "Funny, I would never have used the words 'nurse maid' and Shipwreck in the same sentence."

"In my defense," Shipwreck added, with mock hurt, amused that Cover Girl still had her sense of humor despite the situation, "I was one heck of a quote unquote "nursemaid" when Mara had morning sickness."

"I don't want to imagine that Shipwreck, I'm nauseous as is." Cover Girl replied.

Shortly, Shipwreck returned with a glass of water. "So, what's going on?" Cover Girl asked, "Will I be alright?"

"You will," Shipwreck said, "Once the girls beat Nazarac."

"Imagine that." Cover Girl said, "Being done in by an older version of Malerie Surprise…"

"You are not going to die, Courtney." Shipwreck said. I hope you don't die. I hope those witches beat the tobacco juice out of Nazarac.

"OK, Phoebe, is there anything in the Book of Shadows about defeating Nazarac?" Piper asked.

"More importantly, is there any reason she wants our blind buddy over there?" Paige asked.

"In the case of defeating Nazarac they say 'Her great strength, her great weakness' but that's it." Phoebe replied.

"OK, that's it?" Piper asked, "Nothing about a Power of Three spell or anything?"

"I don't know if a Power of Three Spell would work. It took every holy man of the Aztecs to trap Nazarac in the void." Paige replied.

"This gets better." Phoebe replied, "If any magical powers are used against Nazarac, she can mirror that power in every encounter afterward."

"OK, fascinating, but why the fuck would she want me?" Sands replied.

"I was getting there." Phoebe said, with just a trace of irritation, "Nazarac can take up any form, and she can seduce men easily…Unless they are men without eyes, they can't be enticed by her more alluring forms and they're a threat to her because of it."

"So we've somehow got to use her greatest strength, which is her greatest weakness and somehow utilize a blind asshole that is immune to her more seductive side." Piper said, "Sounds like our work is cut out for us."

TBC (I promise at some point we'll see the X-men suffer throught the gauntlet of Misfit training…)