The Boys are Back in Town
Disclaimer: Same as before…Piper still owns P3 at this time.
AN: If you hear references to Prue's letters, read my fics Journey of a Halliwell and Once Upon a Time in Traverse Town.
"Phoebe, what are you waiting for, cast the spell and release those coyotes." Paige urged.
"Wait a second! One annoying silver furred dog was enough! Three of them is just asking for trouble." Piper replied.
"The Book of Shadows has to have something about them." Paige countered and ran upstairs.
"Come on, lady, what's the hold up?" The brown furred Coyote asked Phoebe.
"My sister wants to find out more about you guys before we release you into our world." Phoebe replied, she was going to hold back the idea that they would be only around for twenty four hours.
Paige ran back downstairs just then, "Well, there's something about them in the Book of Shadows. Apparently the Papago believes that they are the Three Guardians of Chaos."
"Well that's accurate." Piper remarked, "Considering one of their brothers is already causing complaints in Golden Gate Park…"
"Well the Silver Furred one is the Guardian of Mischief, the Brown Furred one is the Guardian of Trickery, and the Gray Furred one is the Guardian of Guile." Paige replied.
"So are they evil?" Phoebe asked, again talking to thin air.
"Oh no! Don't believe anything they say!" Lance shouted, "One Coyote running amok is all I can handle, I don't need THREE of them driving me insane!"
"Ditto!" Piper replied.
"Please." The Guardian of Guile replied, "Evil? Nah? Those guys are way too wound tight. They're fun to annoy, but they always wanna use us for killing this guy, wiping out these guys, take over this place, yada yada yada."
"According to the book they aren't evil." Paige replied, "They're the spirits of three fun loving brothers who wandered too far from their settlement and were tortured to death by a conquistador that was convinced they knew the location the golden Seven Cities of Cibola. The Great Spirit turned them into three coyotes and he cursed the Conquistador that killed them."
"Let me guess, they annoyed the guy to death?" Piper asked.
"Pretty much." Paige replied, "They say that Marquez, the conquistador, spent the rest of his life yelling at three imaginary spirits. He could be seen walking all over Cordoba, yelling at the air from time to time after the King of Spain tossed him on his haunches out of the court."
"OK, Phoebe, release them." Piper said, "On second thought, wait…"
Piper ran into the basement and grabbed two dog muzzles and leashes. "Now release them."
Phoebe nodded, "Creatures of another plane. Cause of conquistador's woes and pain. Invisible to all but him and I. Be seen for all by the naked eye."
Just then a brown furred coyote and a gray furred coyote appeared in the middle of the kitchen. The gray furred Coyote, the Guardian of Guile, scratched his fur with his hind paw.
"Ah! Breathe the free air!" Guile began.
"I say," Trickery began, in a trademark British accent typical of educated Londoners, as he walked up to Piper, "We are not dogs. I've never been so insulted in all my life. I am a canis latrans or coyote…"
"I know you're not a dog." Piper snapped, "You're a coyote and a brother of an extremely annoying…"
"Ah yes, my youngest brother can be a bit of bother." Trickery began, standing on his hand paws and putting an arm around Piper's shoulders, as if to commiserate.
Piper was a bit wary, after all this coyote was the Guardian of Trickery, "For a trickster, you do seem refined."
"Well my dear, we eldest siblings must always maintain a certain image…" Trickery replied before drawing away, bearing Piper's bra in his mouth.
"What the - ?" Piper shouted angrily.
"And true Trickery is of the subtle variety." Trickery replied.
"Come back here you!" Piper shouted, chasing the coyote about the room.
Just then the door opened, as Darryl walked inside and into a lot of chaos. "Tell me I'm dreaming and Piper isn't running around with a meat cleaver after a brown coyote with a bra in it's mouth."
"I'm afraid not, my friend." Ted replied.
"Where did that thing come from?" Darryl asked.
"Let's just say that the Oktoberfest singing coyote has some siblings…" Paige added.
"And there's three of them now?" Darryl shouted, veins appearing in his neck and his left eyebrow twitching, "Three walking, talking, singing coyotes are going to wreak havoc all over San Francisco."
"Yes." Ted replied, bluntly.
"OK, first there's a shape changing demon with a hatred of blind people running around." Darryl said, "Then there's a silver coyote running around after the shape changing demon, but isn't evil. And NOW this coyote has siblings that are about to annoy the demon."
"That's about right." Paige replied.
"I need to sit down…" Darryl said, flopping down onto an easy chair, "Better still I'll need some Anacin."
Paige replied, "I hope this is enough to distract Nazarac."
"I'm certain it will." Lance replied, "Their brother distracts me enough times."
"More like drives you psychotic." Althea remarked.
"Anyone who had to deal with a crazy coyote all the time would be slightly psychotic." Phoebe replied, "This doesn't sound like any Ask Phoebe letter I've ever seen."
"And where, sweet maiden, is our brother?" Guile asked, sauntering up to Phoebe.
"He's in Golden Gate Park." Phoebe replied, "Causing trouble for some demon named Nazarac."
"Hmm, is she evil?" Guile asked.
"Yes." Phoebe replied.
"And overly wound tight?" Guile replied.
"Yes." Phoebe replied.
"Hmm…" Guile replied, "Heh heh heh heh heh! Trickery! Let's go and have some fun!"
"I say one thing, dear brother: The boys are back in town…"
"Guess who just got back today! Them wild eyed boys that have been away! Haven't changed had much to say, but man I still think them cats are crazy! They were asking if you were around. How you was? Where you could be found? Told them you were living downtown! Driving all the old men crazy…" Guile sang out.
"The boys are back in town! The boys are back in town!" The two coyotes sang as they ran out the front door, cackling maniacally.
"It's official, now I've seen everything." Darryl said, "First I see demons, magical creatures, and now two intelligent yet insane coyotes singing annoying '80s songs that get stuck in your head forever. Forget the Anacin, I need a drink."
"Amen." Jack Sparrow said, "And I think I can oblige you matey…"
"What do you got?" Darryl asked.
"Forget your troubles, chum, with a bottle of rum…" Jack replied.
"Oh no you don't!" Piper snapped, snatching the rum out of his hands, "There is no way you're getting Darryl drunk too!"
"More for me then!" Jack Sparrow said, taking down a swig before Piper snatched the bottle out of his hands.
"You're staying dry for this one…" Piper snapped, "I swear this would be easier without 'allies'. And those certainly are some allies, two alcoholic sailors, a former runway model, four insane mutant teenagers, a Canadian, a blind guy, and now three insane coyotes."
"We'll be right back, Courtney." Shipwreck said, gently, squeezing Cover Girl's hand, she in and out of consciousness.
"Just make sure you guys nail her for me…" Cover Girl replied, coughing, "In case I don't…"
"Don't even think about it, soldier." Shipwreck snapped, "You're going to make it."
"Hector," Cover Girl said, "I can barely keep my eyelids up…"
"This is why women don't belong in the military!" Shipwreck snapped, "Where's your fighting spirit. Come on, are you going to prove me right!"
"Shipwreck, when you guys beat this Nazarac lady, you're in for some pain." Cover Girl groaned.
"That's the spirit." Shipwreck replied as he walked downstairs, "I'll be back soon, and you'll be better."
"Are you ready?" Darryl asked.
Shipwreck nodded, as he chambered rounds into his twin Desert Eagles. He left Jack Sparrow upstairs and left Cover Girl her rifle in case the Heartless made an appearance at the Manor.
"Let's hope those coyotes of yours distract Nazarac long enough for Paige's idea to work." Shipwreck remarked.
"Shouldn't we just wait for Nazarac to come to us? Where you're at your strongest…" Darryl asked.
"We have to go after her while she's off balance, Leo." Piper interjected.
"Fortune favors the bold." Ted quipped, "Virgil, the Aeneid."
"Look, I'm in favor of getting rid of Nazarac too, but we should…" Darryl began, "I'm just saying it might be smarter to fight the demon on your home turf."
"If Nazarac kills Sands, she'll be even harder to beat." Piper replied, "We have to stop Nazarac before midnight…Otherwise Cover Girl dies, and Sands gets sacrificed."
Polly flapped back to the house and through an open window, "Awk! Heartless in the park! Heartless in the park!"
"OK," Shipwreck said, "That doesn't change anything. The Coyotes will keep Nazarac off balance, while the Charmed Ones engage her. Toad, you and Xi go rescue Sands and keep anything hostile away from him. Wavedancer, you and Lance lie in wait near the pond. The rest of us will engage the Heartless and retreat towards the pond and then you and Lance do your stuff."
The group jumped into Paige and Piper's cars and headed for the park.
"Ist das nicht ein wet old witch?" The Coyote sang, "Ja das nicht ein wet old witch!"
"Ist das nicht ein frozen fish?" The Coyote continued, "Ja das nicht ein frozen fish!"
"Frozen fish! Wet old Witch! Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" The Coyote sang and bashed Nazarac over the head with a frozen fish.
"Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" The Coyote sang as Nazarac chased him all over Golden Gate Park.
"Hey brother, can I join!" Guile shouted, dressed in a traditional German peasant girl dress.
"Ja!" The Coyote shouted.
"Please don't!" Nazarac and Sands simultaneously shouted.
"Ist das nicht ein chicken bone?" Guile sang, pulling the item out of a trash barrel.
"Ja das nicht ein chicken bone!" Mischief shouted.
"Ist das nicht ein wrinkled crone?" Guile sang.
"Ja das nicht ein wrinkled crone!" Mischief replied.
"Frozen fish, wet old witch! Chicken bone, wrinkled crone!" The two coyotes sang after Mischief whacked Nazarac with the fish again, and started dancing with each other, singing, "Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!"
"I'm screwed." Sands groaned.
"Your prospects are admittedly grim my friend." Came a British accented voice.
"Way to state the obvious." Sands replied, "Some crazy lady is about to sacrifice me for some ritual…Wait a second, where did you come from? Who the hell are you?"
"Quit singing songs from that ridiculous child's cartoon and die!" Nazarac shouted, making the ground shake.
"Let's say I'm no Saint Bernard, but here to save you nonetheless, shall we?" Trickery said and untied Sands, and snuck him away.
The cars of Paige, Darryl, and Piper pulled up to Golden Gate Park and Piper turned to ask, "Please tell me I didn't just see two coyotes dressed like Hansel and Gretel singing an Animaniacs song?"
"Sorry sis, you did." Paige replied.
"This is getting weirder and weirder." Phoebe remarked as the ground shook.
"Tell me about it." Paige replied as the three sisters headed towards Nazarac. Wavedancer and Avalanche were in position when several Heartless appeared before the three sisters.
Shipwreck bagged two of them with his twin Desert Eagles at close range. "You're covered!" Shipwreck shouted. As he spoke another Heartless, this one wearing knight's armor, complete with helmet, with a crossed out heart symbol on its chest raised its' claws and Shipwreck spun round, firing a Desert Eagle into the creature's chest, staggering it back a pace because of it's armor.
"Eat this!" Ted shouted and blasted the creature in the face with the shotgun in Darryl's trunk. The SFPD officer had handed Ted the weapon before the fighting had started.
"Ted, watch out!" Darryl said, putting three rounds into another Soldier Heartless about to claw Ted.
"Thanks!" The Canadian replied, pumping the Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun again and blasting a jumping Shadow Heartless in midair with a cloud of buckshot.
Xi and Toad were covering each other as they raced towards Sands and Trickery. Before they got anywhere near Sands several Heartless surrounded Xi, and he promptly stuffed one of Piper's cookies into his mouth and swallowed.
"Everybody was Kung-fu fighting…." Xi shouted, jump kicking a Heartless and flipping in mid air to avoid the claw swipes of another Heartless, "Those cats were fast as lightning. In fact it was a little bit frightening. But they fought with expert timing…"
Xi landed, ducked another swinging claw from a Shadow Heartless, and then decapitated the creature with both his claws. After he had clawed and kicked his way through the attacking Heartless.
He ran over to Toad's side, who was fighting off three Soldier Heartless, his bo staff smacking against the metal armor that the creatures wore.
"They were funky Chinamen," Xi shouted, leaping high into the air and dropkicking one of the Soldier Heartless in the head, "From funky Chinatown!"
Right after he landed, Xi began to engage in fisticuffs with the other Soldier Heartless, blocking and parrying its attacks. "They were chopping them up! They were chopping them down!"
Xi back flipped to avoid a sword being swung by another Heartless, this one wearing baggy pants and wielding a scimitar sword. "It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part. From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip."
Xi kicked the Heartless in the arm, making it drop the sword, and then kicked it in the head. Toad promptly brained it with his bo staff right after.
"Funky my man!" Xi shouted, exchanging high-fives with Toad, and then promptly striking a John Travolta stance.
"Oh that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it!" Xi shouted, doing some more disco moves as he dodged more attacks from other Heartless heading towards Sands and Trickery.
Meanwhile Guile and Mischief were still singing Schnitzelbank as they kept annoying Nazarac.
"Ist das nicht ein garbage bag?" Mischief sang.
"Ja das nicht ein garbage bag!" Guile sang back as his silver furred brother held up a garbage bag.
"Ist das nicht ein wrinkled hag?" Mischief sang, pointing at Nazarac.
"Ja das nicht ein wrinkled hag…" Guile sang.
"Why you? I am not an old hag…"
"Garbage bag! Wrinkled hag! Chicken bone! Wrinkled crone! Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Oh du schone. Schnitzelbank!" The two coyotes sang, dodging various orbed projectiles that Nazarac was throwing around the park and laughing maniacally.
"Wow," Piper said, as they approached, "Lance has issues."
"Now I've got that Animaniacs song stuck in my head." Paige complained.
"Let's vanquish her while we're at it." Phoebe quipped.
"Ah," Nazarac shouted, "The Charmed Ones, back again…"
Nazarac was about to use Piper's freezing power when she was promptly run over by a golf cart. "Where did they get a golf cart?" Paige blinked.
"The boys are back in town! The boys are back in town!" Mischief shouted as he drove the vehicle, and made a doughnut. When Nazarac tried to stand up, Guile walloped her upside the head with a golf club.
"Now!" Piper shouted.
"Usurper of witches' spells. Unknown demon from unknown hells. Your stolen powers, leave us unscathed. By your attacks we are left unfazed!" The sisters chanted as Nazarac attempted to freeze them.
Nazarac froze herself and Paige shouted, "Wand!"
The wand appeared in Paige's hand and Nazarac unfroze after a time. "Alright Nazarac...Fun's fun, but…"
"Demon of the changing shape. Thief of powers, from the void escaped. Return henceforth from whence you came…" The three sisters chanted and Nazarac was surrounded by a swirling mist. She started to break free.
"Keep chanting it!" Paige shouted.
"Demon of the changing shape. Thief of powers, from the void escaped. Return henceforth from whence you came." The sisters kept their chant, "Demon of the changing shape. Thief of powers, from the void escaped. Return henceforth from whence you came."
Nazarac shrieked as the mist sucked her into the void and standing where she stood was Rafaela, Sands' caretaker.
"Wait a minute, why are the Heartless still there?" Piper asked.
"Because Heartless don't always vanish when you vanquish the main demon." Phoebe replied, remembering Prue's letters that they kept receiving over the years.
"Should we help?" Paige asked.
Mischief, Guile, and Trickery were riding around on the golf cart at top speed with Sands clinging onto the rails for dear life. They were brandishing mallets and golf clubs. "The boys are back in town! The boys are back in town!" They sang.
"Man, we didn't even get to rock their world." Lance complained as he and Althea walked back into the park watching the others mop up the last of the Heartless.
"Well, at least your imaginary enemy is bugging someone else now, and not you." Paige quipped.
"Everything seems to be in order." Phoebe began.
"Not quite," Piper said, turning towards her younger sister with an annoyed expression, "We've got three insane coyotes on the loose now."
Shipwreck stroked his beard saying, "I may just have a solution to that problem."
"Shipwreck has a solution to something?" Lance said, "That can't be good."
"Relax, I guarantee you guys are going to love what I get on film for you…" Shipwreck grinned.
"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to have a major migraine because of you guys?" Piper asked.
"Because you probably will." Darryl said, "Where's that Anacin…"
"I've got something far better, my friend, here, take a sip." Shipwreck said, producing a small metal flask from his belt.
"Oh no you don't!" Althea shouted.
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" Shipwreck shouted as Althea dragged him off.
Several hours later, a unit from GI Joe had been dispatched to search the area and secure Golden Gate Park together with elements of the SFPD. The others were now clustered around the Halliwell Manor's living room, waiting for General Hawk.
"Three…two…one…." Shipwreck counted down.
The tape began to roll on an FOH meeting, where Reverend Stryker talked to a group his followers. Suddenly bright lights began to fill the room, coming from several enormous spotlights.
"It's there in the eyes of the children. In the faces smiling in the windows! You can come on out, come on open the doors. Brush away the tears of freedom!" Mischief, the silver furred coyote, sang.
"Die mutie freak!" Duncan shouted.
"Now we're here, there's no turning back. We have each other. We have one voice." Mischief continued to sing, jumping into the air, on top of Reverend Stryker's head, "Hand in hand we will lay the tracks. Because the train is coming to carry you home."
"Don't just stand there!" Stryker shouted, "Get this hellspawn off my head!"
"I've got him boss!" Duncan shouted and swung a crowbar.
"Come dance with me! Come on and dance into the light!" Trickery, Guile, and Mischief all sang out, while Mischief jumped and did a split in mid air. The crowbar bashed down onto Stryker's head.
"This is cruel." Piper remarked, "I don't care if Stryker's a nutjob…"
"Still, you can't go wrong with Phil Collins." Ted replied. Piper looked at him as though he'd gone completely screwy.
"I have to admit, Lance's imaginary enemy has good taste in music." Leo said. Piper elbowed him in the ribs, "Ow, Piper…I was gonna say I don't agree with their beating up on the FOH like that."
"You're in the minority, my friend." Ted replied.
"Even if they are a bunch of punks, they don't deserve that…" Piper said, "Ouch! That looks painful…"
"Dance into the light!" The Coyotes shouted as one of them tied a Roman candle to an FOH member's ankle and set it off.
"HELP! WATER! WATER!" the thug screamed as he ran around trailing flashes of multicolored flame all over the meeting hall, setting fire to things at random.
"They certainly have a great music repertoire." Ted remarked. Paige elbowed him in the ribs, and Ted protested, "What?"
"That's still cruel and unusual…" Paige remarked.
"Put me down! Put me down!" Duncan screamed as the Coyotes carried him across the room.
"Dum dum dum da da da da da da dum…" they chanted as they carried him.
"You got it Toyota." Mischief said as his brothers continued to hum the funeral dirge and duct taped Duncan to a giant cylinder. The camera moved out of focus and the living room's occupants could see it was a giant bottle rocket.
"Where did they get all those fireworks?" Piper asked.
"I don't know how one Coyote does it, who knows what three of them are capable of." Lance replied.
"I know what they're capable of." Piper said, "A lot of chaos, mayhem and destruction."
"You can say that again." Shipwreck replied.
"This was your idea, buster!" Cover Girl said, turning on Shipwreck.
"I just told them to pay Stryker a visit. I didn't say to sing Phil Collins songs and cause chaos and destruction." Shipwreck said.
"Knowing that they'd cause widespread destruction, fire, and an explosion or two." Cover Girl added, and then smiled, "Brilliant."
"You people are insane." Piper remarked.
"Bon voyage!" The Coyotes said and lit the fuse of the rocket.
"AAAIIIEEEEEEEE!" Duncan shouted as the rocket propelled him out of the building, through the skylight and into the San Francisco night sky.
"CINCO DE MAYO!" The Coyotes shouted.
"I wonder how long a rocket like that burns?" Xi remarked.
"I dunno, but all I can say is Duncan has gone off into the wild blue yonder." Toad replied, "Just like the Air Force song."
The Coyotes disappeared from view, temporarily as the SFPD burst into the room, with Darryl leading them. "I see this is a violation of the fire code. Where's your permit."
"It wasn't our fault!" an FOH member protested.
"We were attacked." Stryker replied.
"By whom?" Darryl asked.
"Coyotes. Three insane coyotes attacked us…" Stryker replied.
"You expect me to believe three animals without opposable thumbs bought out every fireworks' vendor for twenty miles, launched the biggest bottle rocket in history, and set off the biggest fireworks' display outside of Chinatown and the Fourth of July?" Darryl said, forcing down a smile.
"Yes!" Stryker said, "The spawn of hell…"
"The spawn of hell had nothing to do with it. Officers arrest these men." Darryl ordered.
"But we were attacked!" Stryker protested as a cop lead him away in handcuffs.
The tape showed the Coyotes dropping the tape outside the Halliwell Manor, "Thanks for lending us Beach Head's credit card, Shipwreck!" Mischief shouted, and as the clock struck midnight, they vanished.
The tape stopped and Piper shut off the VCR in time for another newscast. "The San Francisco Museum experienced a break in by quite possibly the dumbest criminal in history."
"What?" Piper asked.
"Hey, isn't that where Prue used to work?" Phoebe asked.
"Yeah." Piper replied, "Shh, let's hear this."
"Duncan Matthews was arrested tonight, with third degree burns and multiple cuts and bruises when he apparently tied himself to a massive bottle rocket and fired himself towards the museum. The rocket exploded and Mr. Matthews fell through the skylight and into the display of really sharp objects…"
The screen showed a clip of a massive, multi-colored streak flying overhead. The rocket exploded in a splash of color and a body could be seen falling towards the skylight of the museum and then a loud crash could be heard.
Prue astral projected into the living room just then, "What's going on in here? Who are you guys?"
"We might say the same." Shipwreck asked.
"Prue," Piper began, "We have guests."
"I can see that." Prue replied.
"Don't worry, they're friends." Piper replied, and then glared at Sands saying, "Though I use the term loosely for one or two of them."
"So they know…" Prue began.
"They kinda helped us vanquish a demon, Prue, of course they know." Piper remarked defensively.
"This is our sister, Prue." Phoebe replied, "She's been giving us information on the Heartless for the past three years."
"Didn't they say you died?" Ted asked.
"I did." Prue replied, "But the Whitelighters reincarnated me on another world, on another mission. It's a long story."
Prue's attention turned towards the TV, "Wait a second, that's the museum I used to work at."
"That it is." Piper replied, "They just had a break-in."
The screen showed a reporter running alongside Duncan, who was strapped to a gurney and heavily bandaged.
"Mr. Matthews, why did you break into the museum?" the reporter asked.
"The coyotes. The coyotes…" Duncan said.
"It is evident that Duncan Matthews is mentally unstable." Came the newscaster's voice.
"How did he injure himself like that?" Prue asked, "Rappeling through the skylight with a clothesline?"
"Not exactly." Shipwreck grinned.
Piper told Prue exactly what happened and Prue replied, "What idiot straps himself to a rocket to try and break into a museum?"
"This idiot apparently." Althea replied.
"Are these guys insane?" Prue replied, "They're laughing at the poor guy."
"Lady, if you knew anything about this 'poor guy' you wouldn't be saying anything like that." Althea replied.
"And I thought the guys on the Morrowind were strange." Prue remarked, and glanced at her watch, "I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm needed back on the Morrowind."
Prue returned to her physical body many worlds away as the others waited for Hawk to show up and talk to them.
AN: Don't worry, you'll get an explanation on how Prue is able to Astral project into the Manor in the next chapter of Once Upon a Time in Traverse Town…
TBC (Next: The San Francisco adventure winds down and the X-men and Misfits experience more training in the Pit...)