If You're Complaining…
You Must Be Training
Disclaimer: Same as before…
AN: I could use help giving Ted a codename…
AN2: After reading RoguefanKC's Light in the Heart of a Misfit I figured Elder Gideon was due for a visit by our Guardians of Chaos.
AN3: Any Pirates of the Carribean fans want to suggest what a Pirate style christening ceremony (for Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann's new baby) should entail? Then hit the tiny little review button...
Finally the Misfits that had been sent to San Francisco had returned and training had begun anew. In this case, the Misfits and X-men were going on a conditioning run through the desert with Ted.
"What is this guy, lost or something?" Kitty gasped along as they ran along their fourth mile of hard baked desert trail, as the sun rose over the horizon.
"What is he trying to do, run us all the way to Mexico?" Ray asked. Ahead of them all was Ted, wearing his olive green Israeli military fatigue trousers, a tan MAGAV (Border Guard) t-shirt, and lightweight combat boots. He was loping along at a fairly steady but not blazingly fast clip.
Most of the X-men were, to their chagrin, strung out in a line behind the Misfits. Jean had a determined look on her face as she tried to catch up to Althea. "I'm not letting that little bitch beat me…no I'm not…" Jean said through gasps and clenched teeth. She and Scott were furthest ahead, but still slower than the Misfits.
"If you're complaining about the heat." Ted shouted evenly, "Think of what it was like when we trained in Israel. By sunrise it could be ninety degrees…"
"I'm gonna die…I'm gonna die…I'm gonna die." Kurt said as he padded along the ground.
"How far have we run?" Tabitha muttered.
"This blows! Even Arcade and the Blob are faster than us!" Bobby grunted.
"Duh, they've been doing this for a while!" Amara snapped, "Quit complaining."
"Sadistic Israeli bastard…" Scott groaned, as they pushed the last mile to a large rock.
"Where did he go?" Jean asked.
The X-men were all clustered around a large boulder, across the road from a dry wash and sporadic desert vegetation. They sat down on the rock or in its meager shade or somewhere in between, stretching sore and tired muscles.
"At least he's true to his word." Forge replied, "There's water here for all of us."
The X-men greedily gulped at the water from the jugs that Ted had left over there, with several cups. And they had almost forgotten that the Misfits and their instructor were nowhere in sight. That was until gunfire erupted all around them.
Bullets zipped by, narrowly missing them, skipping off the hard baked desert ground, splintering at cacti and vegetation. Scott jumped sideways and landed heavily on a small, stunted cactus, but that was the least of his worries as he curled up, waiting for the gunfire to subside. Almost as soon as the burst of gunfire had stopped, it had ended. Standing behind the X-men was Ted with an assault rifle in his hands.
"This is the Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle." Ted replied, the weapon trained on the X-men, "The preferred weapon of terrorist organizations the world over. Notice the distinctive report it makes when fired. Or the ratcheting sound when the charging handle is pulled back."
"We were kind of busy dodging bullets to notice those things!" Pitor snapped.
"Had I been a real terrorist, intent on ambushing you, almost all of you would be dead or wounded right now." Ted said, grimly, sweeping his weapon in an arc.
"That wasn't fair!" Jean protested, "We were resting, drinking water…"
"Combat isn't fair." Ted replied, evenly.
"This isn't combat!" Scott added, "We were at a rest stop…"
"Try telling members of an Israeli jeep convoy that was massacred in Lebanon in 1985." Ted replied, "They were resting and trying to orient themselves and failed to post a guard. They were unprepared and six Israeli soldiers died because of it."
"This isn't Lebanon!" Bobby snapped.
"My armor protects me from bullets." Pitor scoffed, "An enemy would have to be crazy to face us alone…especially a human enemy…"
Ted whistled and from all sides the Misfits stormed out of the dry wash. "A wise foe will never attack alone. While I drew your attention with the gunfire, the Misfits snuck into position behind you and at the flanks." Ted replied.
"You – !" a red faced Jean began before a truck pulled up. Sitting in the vehicle were Cover Girl and Roadblock.
"We heard all the noise. And now I see Ted standing here, with a gun poised." Roadblock asked, "What's going on?"
"I was merely telling and showing our friends on the other team a lesson regarding combat and ambush." Ted replied.
"Those bullets had better have been blanks. Or Hawk's gonna be angrier than when Shipwreck trashed those tanks." Roadblock replied.
"There was a valid training purpose to this." Ted replied.
"Well, you could convince Hawk, but Xavier's gonna be pissed that you fired live rounds at his students." Cover Girl replied.
"I have enough training with this weapon and enough confidence in my aim that I wouldn't have hit any of them." Ted protested.
"We'll talk about this later." Cover Girl replied, "Come on kids, climb aboard."
Ted stayed where he was, "I'm not needed for another few hours, I just need some time to think over something."
"Be back before lunch." Cover Girl said.
"I will." Ted replied, and he began to remove his combat boots, replacing them with a pair of soft soled, sneaker like camp shoes he had stored in a small backpack with the water. He began to climb the great boulder after he slung the AK-47 across his back.
Cover Girl rolled her eyes and said, "I wonder why some people can't keep their two feet on solid ground."
"Easy, I get bored." Ted replied, as he was halfway up the great boulder.
"What do you think?" Paige asked Phoebe that morning at breakfast.
"About what?" Phoebe asked, "I think your sweater looks nice."
"No," Paige replied, "You write an advice column. How about some free sisterly advice…"
"This is about Ted, isn't it?" Phoebe replied, smiling, "Come on, I saw how you two were flirting with each other last night."
"He seems like a nice guy. A little off beat, sure, but…" Paige replied.
"…His friends are completely insane." Piper said, "That alone is a turnoff."
"You never really complained about Leo's friends." Phoebe observed.
"Well, Leo may have some unusual friends, like Nigel the Whitelighter but they're not screwloose relatives of the Mad Hatter like Shipwreck, Jack Sparrow, or those three coyotes." Piper began.
"Piper, we're trying to help Paige here." Phoebe replied, as she poured herself some coffee.
"Well, you saw what happened last time Ted was over here." Piper protested, "The house got wrecked, I was nearly driven insane, San Francisco almost got leveled by freak earthquakes, and we were nearly exposed!"
"That so does not count…" Phoebe replied, "We had a demon on our hands."
"Well the people Ted hangs around are about as destructive and certainly more insane than any demon I've ever seen!" Piper snapped
"To be fair, Lance was experimented on." Paige interjected.
"Will you guys shut up?" Phoebe shouted at open air.
"Fine…" Paige began in a huff.
"No, I don't think she was yelling at us." Piper replied.
Indeed, Phoebe seemed to be carrying on a conversation with thin air. "Why don't you guys bug Lance or something?"
Phoebe turned to her sisters, "You won't believe this, they have a schedule of who they bug and when. Lance isn't due to be bothered until one o'clock."
"No, Bambi eyes are not going to get me to release you again. Considering the damage you caused last time…" Phoebe argued.
"But it was the FOH we attacked, that's gotta count for something…" Mischief said.
"Yeah, you guys also destroyed the museum skylight when you strapped Duncan Matthews to that enormous bottle rocket!" Phoebe snapped back.
"I do think you're overreacting." Trickery replied.
"Overreacting…OVERREACTING!" Phoebe shouted, "You guys almost set fire to one building, totally trashed another, and ruined an exhibit of really sharp objects."
"But we're not supposed to annoy Lance until one o'clock and we're bored." Guile protested.
"Why don't you go annoy Elder Gideon or something?" Phoebe said, exasperated.
"Hey!" Mischief said, "That's not a bad idea! Onward brothers!"
"Phoebe…" Piper said, her left eye twitching, "Are you out of your mind! Elder Gideon is not going to be happy when he gets driven insane by three singing coyotes!"
"According to the Book of Shadows, harming the Guardians of Chaos is forbidden even to the Elders." Paige replied.
"Anyway, back to our original topic." Phoebe said, "Paige, I'm happy for you, just be careful like you'd be for any other guy."
Leo orbed into the room just then, covered in soot and ash as well as what appeared to be whipped cream.
"Guys," Leo began, "It's really a mess up there."
"Phoebe…" Piper began, advancing menacingly on her sister.
"What's Phoebe got to do with this?" Leo asked.
"Well, there's a certain problem with three demented coyotes who keep a schedule on who to annoy and when to annoy them…" Paige began.
"AAGGHHH!" Natalie screamed as she streaked across the Whitelighter area with rocket powered roller skates.
"Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" Guile laughed.
"Will someone get these coyotes out of here?" Elder Gideon demanded as the coyotes in Mariachi getup stood around the Whitelighter area singing at the top of their lungs.
"Hola mis amigos!" The Coyotes began to sing, "It's fiesta time for you…"
"Will you people stop this non….WWHHOOOAAAA!" Elder Gideon shouted as he ran up to the singing Coyotes before a rocket powered Natalie bowled right into him.
"HELP!" Gideon shouted as Natalie carried him in her arms, her momentum being helped along by the two rockets apiece on her roller skates.
As they sang, the Coyotes began to set off a huge Roman candle in the palace and cause a heck of a lot of ruckus.
"…Swing in Acapulco with anyone you meet…" The Coyotes sang as Gideon grabbed onto a hanging vine and held on for dear life while Natalie continued to fly into other Whitelighters at high speeds.
"What on earth is going on over here?" Patty Halliwell shouted.
"AAGGGGHHH!" Natalie shouted as she went flying by on the rocket powered skates.
"Why are there three coyotes dressed up like Mariachi singers singing an EPCOT song up here?" Penelope asked.
"GET ME DOWN!" Gideon screamed as the Coyotes spun him around with a rope tied around his ankles on a block and tackle rig in a huge circle.
"It's here for everyone. See the festivities, run to late at night…Fiesta late at night…" The Coyotes sang as they spun the wooden lever.
More bottle rockets started to go off, creating a massive fireworks display the like of which the Whitelighter Area had never seen (and likely would never again want to see).
The rockets in Natalie's skates burned out. "Thank God," Natalie began as she tried to stop, and then she looked up, in time to see a large marble column looming, "Oh no…"
WHAM! Natalie ran into the pillar and knocked herself unconscious. Meanwhile the Coyotes were covering Gideon in glue and pasting yellow and red feathers all over his body as they spun him around faster and faster.
"What's going on here?" Patty demanded of Trickery.
"Why, my dear lady, it is El Cinco Del Mayo…" Trickery replied.
"It's barely February!" Patty shouted.
"Details, details, my dear." Trickery replied, "We're celebrating according to the Aztec Calendar."
"Quetzalcoatl! Get your tail feathers back here!" Melinda Warren shouted, shaking her fist.
"Hic! Wow is that tequila potent…" The Aztec winged snake god said as he flapped about erratically.
"Remind me to kill those whoever decided those Coyotes should be the Guardians of Chaos." Melinda groaned.
"I think Elder Gideon is ruing the day he created them…" Penelope replied.
Indeed, on this block and tackle rig, Elder Gideon's three closest advisors were also covered in feathers and glue and being spun around by three gleefully singing coyotes.
"I'm certain you rue giving that 'no harm must come to the Guardians of Chaos' clause right now?" One of them said.
"Just shut up and let me vomit in peace." Elder Gideon commented and promptly puked up the remnants of the ambrosia salad he'd eaten for breakfast all over the place.
"That crazy bastard." Scott muttered, "I swear he was trying to kill us all."
"Ugh. He already did with that run. Six miles, what was he training us to do, invade the neighboring county?" Pitor replied.
"Hey, at least you didn't do it with an eighty pound rucksack." Pietro replied, "Of course, when you're in shape…"
"Are you implying something?" Kitty demanded.
"Nothing really, saddlebags." Pietro began.
"That's it!" Kitty shouted and launched herself at Pietro, who dodged her attack easily.
"Lousy Israeli and his lousy gun…I'll show him surprise when I ice…" Bobby began.
Lance shoved Bobby saying, "Don't talk about Ted like that!"
"Why not? He almost killed us all!" Bobby snapped.
"You saw he wasn't aiming at us!" Lance replied.
"I couldn't really see anything." Scott complained.
"Oh, I forgot you dived out of the way Cactus Butt." Lance replied, "Ted was trying to teach you guys to always keep your guard up. He learned that in Israel, fighting in the Gaza Strip."
"Hey what makes you so buddy-buddy with that guy anyway?" Bobby replied, sneering at Lance, "Would it have something to do with why you never jumped in Kitty's bones?"
"Hey!" Lance snapped angrily.
"Bobby, if you value your life you'll shut your trap right now…" Wanda said in a menacing tone.
"He's kinda like the big brother I never had." Lance protested.
"The big brother I never had, what a laugh." Bobby said, "Maybe it has something to do with what mommy and daddy did to you…"
Lance angrily stormed out of the room. Bobby never got far in his snide remark when the back of Kitty's hand smacked him in the cheek. "Why do you have to be such an asshole Bobby? Why? Lance couldn't have done anything about that? He was just a kid!"
As Kitty spoke, her tone of voice became angrier and angrier as she railed at Bobby, "Why are you such an insensitive jerk?"
Bobby, despite his relative immaturity, began to feel like a real jerk as the glaring eyes of the Misfits, and some X-men bore down on him.
"Stupid…stupid…stupid jerk…" Lance sputtered.
"What happened?" a voice said gently.
Lance glanced up to see Ted sitting on top of a large boulder. "I kinda wanted to be alone." Lance replied.
"I understand." Ted added, "In fact, come up here. It's really peaceful being on your own in nature for a while…"
The sound of the Hatikvah began to echo from Ted's mobile, and he grinned saying, "Excuse me…"
Lance grinned at his fellow Misfit, "Paige?"
Ted nodded, smiled, and answered the call. "Hello."
"Turn on your TV…" Paige began.
"Why?" Ted asked, "And for your information, I'm in the middle of the desert on top of a boulder."
"Oh." Paige replied, "I just wanted to tell you that Duncan Matthews is a runner up for the Worlds Dumbest Criminals hall of fame."
"Who would have thought?" Ted smiled, "How are you?"
"I've still got the song Dance into the Light in my head." Paige replied, "Thanks to those coyotes."
"Come dance with me. Come on and dance into the light…" Ted began.
"Very funny." Paige replied.
"Everybody dance into the light." Ted continued.
"Stop." Paige replied, laughing playfully on the other side of the line.
"On a more serious note." Ted began. Damn it, be a man and ask her. You can run through buildings with gunfire all around and you can't ask a woman on a date?
"Yes…" Paige prompted after Ted faltered for a bit.
"I was wondering what you were up to Friday night? I realize that this is short notice, and you probably have plans…" Ted began.
"I didn't." Paige replied, "But I do now."
Ted grinned and nearly started dancing around on top of the boulder. "Ted?" Paige asked after another long silence.
"Yeah." Ted replied.
"I thought you fell off the rock or something when I said yes." Paige replied, "So what did you have planned?"
"Dinner and a movie sound good?" Ted replied, "Both being my treat."
"Sounds wonderful." Paige said, her heart hammering. Oh my God, he asked me. I can't believe it…
"Paige, I need to use the phone right now…" Phoebe began.
"Ted, I'll call you back. Phoebe really wants to use the phone right now." Paige replied and hung up.
"So she said yes?" Lance asked.
Ted looked at him squarely and smiled. Lance returned the grin faintly saying, "Congrats."
Ted noticed that Lance seemed sad, even when congratulating him. "Hey," Ted began, softly, "What's wrong?"
"It's Kitty." Lance replied, "Her friends at the Institute keep warding me off…"
"A classic Romeo and Juliet type romance." Ted sympathized, "I know what you mean."
"Not only that, there's Tin Man, who keeps getting egged by Bobby and Remy to keep going after Kitty too…" Lance replied.
"Lance, I know more than you realize what it's like to care for someone and have to deal with all of that opposition." Ted replied, "Nine and a half years ago it drove me to Israel."
"Caitlyn, the girl Sands was talking about?" Lance replied, "I overheard."
"Yes." Ted replied. Just Ted's mobile went off again, "Hello. Yeah, Lance is here with me. He'll be alright and we'll be back at the house before lunch."
Ted hung up and Lance asked, "Who was that?"
"That was Spirit." Ted replied, "He wanted to know where you were. When you're ready, just head around the bend of the road, my truck's parked nearby. I'll leave you to your thinking."
"Thanks." Lance replied. Just then Ted's phone rang again.
"You seem to be pretty popular today." Lance observed.
"Yeah, first Spirit, then Paige, and then…Lifeline…" Ted replied.
"Please tell me you're not due for another check up." Lance laughed, "Or you're afraid of needles."
"Only if I happened to annoy Paige enough that she stuck me with 14,000 of them." Ted quipped back.
Ted checked his text message, "It seems that Lifeline's jeep broke down and they received a call from Misfit Manor saying Elizabeth went into labor."
"You mean Jack's wife?" Lance replied.
"No, she's Will's wife." Ted replied, "Somehow, if that were the case, Jack would have been keelhauled by Anamaria a long time ago. They need my truck."
Lance and Ted scrambled down from the boulder to Ted's truck and they drove back to Misfit Manor.
Will Turner was practicing his forms with the elegant sword, the last one he had made in his blacksmith's shop before the fall of Port Royal when Jack Sparrow came running into the back yard.
"What's going on Jack…" Will asked.
"It's Elizabeth." Jack replied, "She's gone into labor."
At this, Will Turner, he who had fought against pirates and Heartless, braved storms at sea, undertook arduous journeys to distant lands, and risked life and limb for his beloved Elizabeth, promptly fainted dead away.
The door to the backyard opened and Spirit appeared in the doorway, "Can you explain why Will is unconscious on the floor, Jack?"
"He just received the word that Elizabeth just began to birth his child." Jack replied.
Trinity ran out into the back yard carrying a device that looked like a u-shaped magnet attached to a metal rod with an electrical cable spliced with several more wires and a car battery.
"What the devil is that device?" Jack asked.
"It's the Revivatron 5000A, now we get a chance to test it!" Trinity giggled excitedly.
"What happened to the Revivatron 5000?" Spirit asked, "Or do I not wish to know…"
"The watermelon we zapped with it exploded." Daria calmly explained.
"You three are NOT blowing up Mr. Turner!" Spirit began.
"Don't worry Spirit, we used it on Beach Head last week and he's still around." Brittney quipped.
"So that's why he smelled like an underdone chicken when he babysat you." Spirit replied.
"Stand back!" Quinn shouted.
"Trinity don't…." Spirit began when the magnet began to glow white, thrumming with a strange and painful power.
The Revivatron 5000A touched Will in the butt and did its job, promptly reviving him. "YYYOOOWWW!" Will shouted as several volts worth of electricity coursed through him.
"He's alive! He's alive!" Trinity chanted.
"Barely…" Will groaned as smoke clouds issued from his mouth.
"We'd best get you to the hospital mate…" Jack began, "Elizabeth's gone into labor."
As they headed inside Spirit, Will, and Jack heard honks from the driveway, as Ted had pulled in. "Hurry, she's upstairs!" Jack said.
They ran upstairs to see Elizabeth lying in the bed she and Will shared in one of the guest bedrooms.
Will ran in first and Elizabeth shouted, "Where the hell have you been?"
"I said I'd be out back for a few minutes to practice my swordsmanship." Will replied.
"If my condition is any indication," Elizabeth began, hyperventilating between the contractions, "Your proficiency at a different type of swordsmanship is not in question…"
"Thank you." Will replied.
"You did not just say that." Lance groaned.
"You are never touching me again!" Elizabeth screamed as another contraction hit.
"Breathe…" Ted began. Having had training as a field medic with YAMAS, he knew that he had to calm Elizabeth down. Easier said than done.
"You've done this before?" Will asked.
"Twice." Ted replied, "It can't be nearly as bad as the first time."
"Soldier, undercover operative, and now we can add midwife to your list of talents." Lance quipped.
"What happened the first time?" Elizabeth asked.
"The expectant mother was my commanding officer's wife." Ted replied, "Now be careful in getting her downstairs…"
They managed to get Elizabeth into Ted's truck with Will sitting in the front, Lance and Spirit in the bucket seats in the back, and Jack Sparrow with the other pirates into the cab of the truck. As they drove along the road a siren from a police car was visible in the rear view mirror. Ted stopped the vehicle in time to see Law, the GI Joe Military Policeman, step out.
Ted rolled down the window and Law said, "You are aware that it's illegal to put people into the cab of a pickup truck, aren't you?"
"Ted," Will began, "I hope you can replace the covering of your front seat."
"I've got a slightly more pressing matter at hand." Ted replied.
"Elizabeth's water just broke." Spirit began.
"Mother of God." Ted groaned.
"OK," Law said, "I'll let you off with a warning this time. Just drive carefully."
Ted rolled the window back up before just about racing to the hospital where Bree and Lifeline waited with a gurney. They rushed Elizabeth to their delivery ward where Will waited, alongside his wife as she gave birth.
Will took Elizabeth's hand and then another contraction hit and she squeezed his fingers for dear life.
"Ow…my hand…" Will groaned.
"I'm giving birth!" Elizabeth demanded, "And you're complaining about your hand."
"Hint, never complain about any pain of your own if your wife's giving birth." Lifeline whispered.
"You're a father?" Will asked.
"No, but I remember Shipwreck complaining about a hangover when his son, Claudius was born. Needless to say his wife wasn't pleased." Lifeline replied.
"You mean Cover Girl…" Will asked.
"If you want to keep your life," Lifeline said, "Don't make that mistake again. Shipwreck's divorced. It's a long story."
Will decided it was better to concentrate on Elizabeth giving birth than trading stories about Shipwreck's love life or lack thereof.
"Come on, push…" Bree began.
"That's what I've been doing!" Elizabeth snapped, and then added, "Sorry."
"You're in labor; you're allowed to be a bitch." Bree replied.
"Will! I'm neutering you as soon as this baby is born!" Elizabeth screamed as another contraction hit.
"I'm glad I'm not you, mate." Jack called out.
"You're next!" Elizabeth snapped.
"I'll help." Anamaria said.
"Sorry darling…" Jack replied.
"Out…out…out!" Bree shouted at Jack and the pirates, who complied and headed out into the waiting room with Ted and the others.
Several hours later the other Misfits, X-men, and the Misfit handlers were clustered in the waiting room.
"Details?" Cover Girl asked, as Bree walked into the room.
"It's a boy, 20 inches long, 8.6 pounds, and when he's asleep he looks just like his father. His name is Alexander Weatherby Turner. The happy couple is bonding with their new son in the next room." Bree replied.
"We've got a christening to plan." Jack replied, a wicked gleam in his eyes.
"Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me…" Shipwreck began.
"Oh no you don't!" Cover Girl shouted, "You idiots aren't bringing any more alcohol, chaos, and destruction to the house with a new baby…"
"I may not have been here long." Emily observed, "But aren't alcohol, chaos and destruction the order of the day at Misfit Manor?"
"Unfortunately." Cover Girl groaned as Jack and Shipwreck took off for the nearest liquor store…
TBC (Soon to come, a pirate style christening celebration and Ted's first date with Paige.)
Hatikvah - The national anthem of Israel which is Hebrew for 'The Hope'. One of its better performances was John Williams' Munich soundtrack, it's an especially haunting piece. It was played when they announced the deaths of the Israeli athletes in Munich.