Christening Chaos, Round One
Disclaimer: Same as before…I don't own the song Taco Grande, by Weird Al Yankovic either.
RoguefanKC – What you've been awaiting.
"Shipwreck, just how much alcohol did you buy this time?" Cover Girl asked.
"A few bottles of rum…" Shipwreck replied, trying to hide a receipt.
"Give me that!" Cover Girl replied, snatching it out of his hands.
"Hey!" Shipwreck snapped.
"Shipwreck! This is enough booze to make a college frat party look like a First Communion at a Catholic School!" Cover Girl snapped.
"Maybe it isn't a good idea to mention that we swiped Beach Head's credit card to buy it with, huh?" Jack Sparrow whispered.
"I don't care if you swiped Beach Head's credit card!" Cover Girl snapped, "What I care about is that you bought all that alcohol for a christening party!"
"I guess that means we can swipe Beach Head's credit card for any other expenses, right?" Shipwreck asked.
"Don't you dare!" Cover Girl replied.
Right about then, baby Alexander began to wail as the shouting of the three adults had just waked him up. "See what you've done?" Cover Girl snapped at the two men, "You just woke up the baby."
Cover Girl lifted the little boy out of the bassinet. "Shh…it's OK sweetheart. Don't mind the rude sailor." Cover Girl said, in a soothing tone.
Alex continued to wail loudly. "Please don't cry sweetie. Your mommy will be back soon…" Cover Girl replied.
"Aw, Courtney you're not holding him right." Shipwreck began.
"How am I supposed to hold him?" Cover Girl asked.
"You're asking me?" Low Light said, as he walked into the kitchen, "I don't know anything about babies, other than the fact that they smell and poop a lot."
"Be nice!" Shipwreck snapped, "Let me get him…"
"Be my guest." Cover Girl replied, handing baby Alex over to Shipwreck.
"Oooh…Don't mind Low Light, he's got a steel rod up his butt." Shipwreck said, "You gotta hold him close to you, it comforts him. And you might wanna try a song and dance routine…"
"Why you…" Low Light growled. Shipwreck started humming a melody of some kind just then.
"Taco…" Shipwreck said, pointing at Low Light, as he danced with baby Alex in his arms.
"…Grande." Shipwreck said, flexing his right bicep.
"Taco…" Shipwreck continued, pointing at Low Light. Then Shipwreck flexed his bicep again, "Grande."
"Oh boy this is ridiculous." Cover Girl replied, rolling her eyes. Wow, who'd have thought Shipwreck would know what to do with a baby?
"Yo quiero chimichangas y chile Colorado. Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado. Las flautas y tamales, siempre muy bueno. Y el chile relleno." Shipwreck continued to sing in a fake Mexican accent. Baby Alex started to coo a little bit, as Shipwreck rocked him gently, while doing several dance steps around the kitchen floor.
"You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada. That's right, I want the whole enchilada.
My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla. I need a quesadilla." Shipwreck continued to sing.
"You need a psychiatrist." Low Light remarked.
"Forget it Low Light, it's several years too late." Cover Girl remarked. Though I must admit, that does make sense. I'm gonna have a Weird Al Yankovic song stuck in my head all day…
"I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbon. With my friends, or when I'm all alone. Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero. Un burrito ranchero." Shipwreck kept singing and twirling and dancing across the floor as he sang in the fake Mexican accent yet again.
"I want you to sing solo, Shipwreck." Low Light shouted, "So low I can't hear you!"
"So give me something spicy and hot, now. Break out the menu, what you got, now? Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have sour cream on the side. You better make sure the beans are refried." Shipwreck began, wiggling his hips and shoulders. Alex cooed as well.
"I said soothe the baby, Shipwreck, not warp his mind!" Cover Girl snapped. Note to self, he loves the Taco Grande song. Whoa! Wait Courtney, are you thinking about Shipwreck or the baby?
"Shipwreck, your brain cells are more than refried!" Low Light yelled, "Quit warping the kid's mind!"
"Taco…" Shipwreck said, in the deep voice, pointing at Low Light. He took Alex in one arm and flexed the free arm and squatted down, "…grande."
"Shipwreck…" Low Light growled.
"Taco…" Shipwreck pointed at Low Light again.
"Shipwreck. I am NOT a taco!" Low Light shouted.
"…Grande…" Shipwreck continued, and flexed his free bicep. Baby Alex gurgled and giggled.
Cover Girl couldn't help but laugh as Low Light started turning red whenever Shipwreck pointed at him and called him a taco. "Lighten up, Cooper."
"I'll lighten up once I put Shipwreck's head through the wall…" Low Light growled.
"Well, there's not a taco big enough for a man like me. That's why I order two or three. Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip. It's really good with bean dip." Shipwreck continued as he made some sidesteps and dipped the baby oh so gently in a tango move.
"No but there is a strait jacket big enough for a man like you!" Low Light snapped.
"Shipwreck! Be careful!" Cover Girl snapped. Ooh! Be careful with the baby Shipwreck. You don't want to ruin a good thing…
"I eat uno, dos, tres, quarto burritos. Pretty soon I can't fit in my Speedos. Well, I hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas. And a pitcher of margaritas." Shipwreck replied.
"Shipwreck! Are you drunk?" Low Light snapped.
"The picture of you in a speedo is a frightening thought." Cover Girl added. Why did I just imagine that again? Someone should turn on the AC, it's hot in here.
"Well, the combination plates all come with beans and rice. The taquitos here are very nice. Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese. And could you make that separate checks, please?" Shipwreck continued, as he danced with the baby some more. The baby gurgled some more, smiling at Shipwreck.
"Oh Lord! The baby's disturbed." Low Light groaned.
"Taco…" Shipwreck said, pointing at Low Light. The baby laughed.
"The baby speaks the truth." Jack Sparrow commented.
"If you want to live, do not repeat that comment." Low Light snapped.
"…Grande." Shipwreck replied, flexing his right bicep again.
"Shipwreck…" Low Light growled menacingly.
"Taco…" Shipwreck said, pointing at Low Light. Low Light's face turned red and veins started coming out of his neck and his eyes became bloodshot. Shipwreck flexed again, "…Grande."
""Buenos noches, senor. bienvenido a el burritos casa de salsa. tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos si puedo recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso. sus ojos se quemaran, su estomago estara en fuego, se quedaran en el baño por una semana, entiendes lo que digo gringo estupido tonto?" Well, the food is coming, I can hardly wait. Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate! What you think you're doing with my chile con queso? Well, if you want some, just say so." Shipwreck kept singing.
"I want to bash your head in, Shipwreck." Low Light continued.
"Oh boy, pico de gallo. They sure don't make it like this in Ohio. No gracias, yo quiero jalepeños, nada más. You can toss away the hot sauce." Shipwreck kept on singing and dancing.
Despite herself Cover Girl laughed at the spectacle of Shipwreck dancing around with the baby. "Shipwreck, did you toss away your sanity?" she asked.
"Too late, he did that a long time ago." Low Light replied.
"Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole! You better get me a bowl of guacamole. Y Usted, Eugene? Why's your face turning green? Don't you like pinto beans?" Shipwreck kept on singing.
"The name's not Eugene and no, Shipwreck, my face is turning red!" Low Light snapped, "And I'm allergic to Mexican food for your information…"
"You want some more cinnamon crispas? If you don't, hasta la vista. Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna. You can finish it mañana…" Shipwreck kept singing.
"Shipwreck, I'm going to rip your head off and stuff it in a doggie bag!" Low Light shouted.
"Well, it's been a pleasure, I can't eat no more. Señor, la cuenta, por favor. If you ain't tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta. Just don't drink the water." Shipwreck continued, spinning around.
Who'd have thought Shipwreck of all people would be a good dancer. Cover Girl thought. Except when Storm's shocking him of course. What does he see in that high riding snob?
"Taco…" Shipwreck continued, pointing at Low Light. Alex laughed. Low Light turned red. "…Grande."
"Taco…" Shipwreck sang again. The he flexed, "Grande…"
Elizabeth walked into the room just then and Shipwreck said, "Here you go. He's all calmed down."
"However did you do that?" Elizabeth asked.
"Just a little know-how about babies." Shipwreck replied, "I've raised a few myself."
"Not to mention the most annoying song ever…" Low Light grumbled.
"Taco…" Shipwreck replied.
"DIE!" Low Light shouted and chased Shipwreck with a meat cleaver all over the kitchen. It was just then that Piper, Leo, and Wyatt orbed in…
"Jack…You told us no insanity…" Piper began, fixing Jack with the evil eye. Great. All this insanity and the X-men haven't even shown up yet.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the crazy bitch from San Francisco." Sands began.
"You again! What are you doing here?" Piper asked.
"Piper," Phoebe said, "Remember your anger management lessons…"
"Phoebe. Shove it." Piper replied.
"Nice parenting, mama." Sands quipped.
"Sands, unless you want your cane shoved into a very painful place…" Piper warned.
"Kinky, but I'm not really into that. Leo, you should watch your wife…" Sands began.
"Sands," Leo warned, "One more word, innocent or not, and you and I are going to have a few words out back."
"Not very angelic, are we." Sands quipped.
Leo gritted his teeth and barely remembered his Whitelighter training. Sands could stand a good walloping or two. Those insults he kept trading with Piper were really immature not to mention hurtful. As a husband he wanted to beat Sands to a pulp, but as a Whitelighter he couldn't.
"He who blessed our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, may He bless the soldiers of Israel." – Prayer for Israeli soldiers.
Ted parked his truck outside the small chapel on the Pit. He opened the door, noticing there was no one inside. He headed for a nearby pew towards the back and put down the knee rest. He took a worn wooden rosary with the word Medujorge engraved on the wooden cross from his pocket.
Before he said his Profession of Faith, he began with a prayer, in Hebrew, he had said since he decided to fight in Israel. "He who blessed our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, may He bless the soldiers of Israel who stand guard on our country and the cities of our God. From Lebanon until the deserts of Egypt, from the Mediterranean Sea until the Plains of Jordan - on dry land, in the air and sea."
Kurt Wagner walked into the chapel when he noticed Ted Griffin, the newest of the Misfit's handlers, kneeling in prayer. He was saying a prayer he had never heard of, in Hebrew. "Mind if I join you?" Kurt asked.
Ted felt his concentration break at the sound of the kid, codenamed Nightcrawler and named Kurt Wagner. "Feel free." Ted replied.
"May I ask what decade you're on?" Kurt asked, indicating the rosary.
"I've not started yet." Ted replied.
"Mind if I pray with you?" Kurt asked, "For prayers said by two or more are much stronger."
"By all means." Ted replied.
"I don't recognize that prayer though. Is it a Hebrew Apostle's creed?" Kurt asked, knowing Ted had served in Israel for almost ten years.
"No." Ted replied, "It's a prayer for the soldiers of Israel."
"I'm sorry I interrupted you." Kurt replied.
"Think nothing of it." Ted replied.
"May God afflict the enemies that rise against them before them. The Holy One, Blessed is He, should protect and save our soldiers from any misfortune or calamity, and from any sickenss or disease. May he send blessing and success in all their handiwork, destroy their enemies below them, and crown them with the crown of redemption and the crown of victory. And the verse "For God walks among you, to wage war for you with your enemies, to save you" should be fulfilled, and let us say, Amen." Ted finished the last part of the prayer.
The two began their prayers, the first Our Father, "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…"
They had finished their prayers when the chapel door opened. Paige tapped Ted's left shoulder, "Hey," she said gently, "They told me I'd find you here."
"When did you get in?" Ted asked.
"About five minutes ago, via Whitelighter express." Paige smiled, as Ted stood up and took her in his arms.
Kurt couldn't help but smile. Ted was so different around Paige than he was when around other people, such a different fellow from the calloused veteran of fighting in Israel. He seemed a lot more relaxed around her.
Kurt began his next Hail Mary in his native tongue, "Gegrüßet seist du, Maria, voll der Gnade,
der Herr ist mit dir. Du bist gebenedeit unter den Frauen, und gebenedeit ist die Frucht deines Leibes, Jesus."
Ted and Paige exchanged a quick kiss, before Paige began, "I didn't know you were Catholic."
"In your defense, we've not even been dating for a week." Ted quipped, "The wonderful thing about Catholicism is, no matter what language a prayer is said in, we can at least follow along somewhat because their all the same. He's saying…"
"…A German Hail Mary." Paige finished, at Ted's curious stare she added, "It's a Whitelighter power. We can understand literally any spoken language."
Ted muttered something in Hebrew that sounded like astonishment. "I'd watch your mouth Ted." Paige admonished.
"What? Maybe your translation's screwy." Ted replied.
"No, I know you said something along the lines of…" Paige replied.
"That is not what it means!" Ted replied, "It really doesn't translate well into English."
"But because I'm half-Whitelighter I can understand the Hebrew context." Paige replied.
Ted clasped her hand with one of hers, "Well losing something in translation aside, I'm really glad to see you."
"I didn't lose anything in translation." Paige replied, "Whitelighters can't do that."
"Auf Wiedersen, Kurt." Ted replied.
"Danke Schone, Herr Mountaineer."
They walked out of the Chapel to Ted's waiting truck. He opened the passenger door and helped Paige into it. "Mountaineer?"
"It's one of the codenames they've got for me." Ted replied, at Paige's blank stare he added, "It's like how Shipwreck is named because he's a sailor, and Cover Girl is named because she's an ex-runway model."
"What other ones have they come up with?" Paige asked.
"That's the first one I've heard." Ted replied.
Paige couldn't help but notice Ted could be a bit of a pack rat. At her stare, Ted added, "Yeah, sorry for the clutter. There's a method to this madness, believe it or not."
"Don't worry about it." Paige replied, "Before I met Phoebe and Piper I was the same way. My car still has quite a mess in it."
Paige added, "It's also a record as to how many fast food joints you visited from Vancouver all the way over here. Not to mention your gas stops."
Between their seats was a rather beat up, but still serviceable olive green backpack. "That's my Israeli military issue pack. I barely used it after I finished my time in the regular MAGAV units. As soon as I got into YAMAS we all bought the Commando SF rucksacks, which carry more stuff in them and have better compartments in them." Ted replied.
Paige opened it and noticed it had a climbing harness, carabiners and other rappelling and climbing gear inside. "You really are a fanatic." Paige replied.
"Where are the others?" Ted asked, before starting the truck.
"Here we are." Phoebe said, "I just had to change little Chris."
"Piper, Leo, and Wyatt are back at Misfit Manor." Paige replied. Ted's face registered alarm.
"What's going on?" Paige asked, concerned.
"Uhm, let's just get going and hope that Piper doesn't meet our newest resident." Ted replied.
"You mean…" Phoebe began.
"Yes, I mean Sands." Ted replied.
"Go sit on Auntie Phoebe's lap, honey." Paige said, making room for the middle sister and her nephew.
"OK Auntie Paige." Chris replied.
"Somebody's a Mountain Dew fanatic." Phoebe said, picking up a crushed green soda can with Hebrew writing. Though it was clearly from Israel, Phoebe recognized it was Mountain Dew.
"Yeah, I used to measure deployments to Gaza in cases of Mountain Dew. I drank a can of it after operations every day." Ted replied, "My folks sent them to me, and I used to buy my fair share from the PX. You gotta find little ways to keep your sanity in a war zone."
"Speaking of war zones…" Paige began as they pulled up to Misfit Manor.
"HELP! Save me!" a herd of stampeding, screaming Multiples shouted as Trinity chased him.
"Kisses! Kisses!" they shouted.
"ZZZOOOWWWWW!" Shipwreck screamed as Storm electrified him.
"OK," Paige said, turning to Ted, "What's going on here?"
Ted rolled his eyes and stuck an Israeli issue battle helmet on top of his head. "The usual insanity that results whenever the X-men and Misfits meet each other."
"Not the lightning! Not the lightning! OW!" Shipwreck shouted as he ran across the lawn. A tiny black storm cloud was chasing him, sending lightning into him occasionally. A silver haired African woman in tasteful yet simple clothing with the expression of a Fury on her face was running, or rather flying, after Shipwreck.
"That's for 'accidentally' walking in on me in the shower you creep!" Storm shouted.
"I said I was sorry. I even gave you a compliment…" Shipwreck protested.
"Hey baby, hot bod is not a compliment!" Storm shouted, "Die! Die!"
Phoebe stood there, mouth agape at the sheer insanity. She turned towards Paige, "You don't seem shocked."
"No pun intended?" Paige asked, "I'm not entirely. Considering Ted's charges decided to follow Lance and Kitty on their date, and also wound up crashing ours. Somehow I'm not surprised…"
"Still, this is insane." Phoebe replied.
"Imagine living here." Ted groaned.
"Give up Arcade!" a gangly Native American fellow challenged, "Your solar propelled roller skates cannot hope to best my hover-skateboard!"
"Bring it on!" the red haired teenager Phoebe assumed was Arcade retorted. He wore a skating helmet with strange looking wings on the top of it.
"With pleasure!" Forge shouted and pressed a button on a heavily modified skateboard with an electric fan on it, "Hover-skater, activate!"
Forge shouted into a modified blue-tooth earpiece on his head, "Forward flight!"
The motor whirled to life and the Hover-skater took off. Arcade pressed a couple buttons on a big wrist watch and two solar panels appeared on each of his skates. As soon as they appeared, Arcade sped forward.
"Are any of the adults seeing this?" Phoebe asked.
"Come on Arcade! Spirit needs a new pair of boots!"
"No, come on Forge! Beat Arcade!" Warren shouted, "I've got a round of drinks at stake on you…"
Arcade began to start to catch up to Forge. "Rocket booster!" Forge shouted into the blue-tooth.
"Ha ha ha! Your puny solar powered skates are no match for my liquid fueled rocket booster! Prepare to be vanquished!" Forge shouted as a rocket ignited underneath the hover-skateboard.
Forge sped down the road and Arcade calmly tapped another button on his watch. From his backpack came a harness. On each shoulder was a shoebox sized rectangle that had several sinister looking rockets.
"They're no match for my heat seeking rocket darts! Die!" Arcade shouted, and fired a trio of them at Forge's hover-skateboard.
"Rockets!" Paige shouted and orbed them away, harmlessly down the road, where they promptly exploded next to the tires of a jeep driven by Beach Head and Duke, causing a blowout.
"WHOAAA!" Duke shouted as the jeep caromed out of control around the corner.
"Ha ha ha! Arcade! Prepare to be beaten!" Forge shouted, turning around to face Arcade and jeer at him.
"Uh Forge…" Arcade began.
"I'm the king! I'm the emperor! I'm…" Forge began, and turned back around in time to see the fishtailing jeep heading right for him, "…in deep shit…WHOA!"
Forge leaned to the left in an effort to avoid colliding with the jeep. He missed it by bare centimeters and then wiped sweat from his brow. "Pheww that was…oh no…"
Forge realized that he had skipped out of the frying pan and into the fire, for looming ahead of him was a shallow gulch with many different species of cacti living in it. Forge tried to make a turn, but sadly the board struck a large stone and catapulted Forge into the gulch.
"YEOWCH!" Forge shouted, leaping into the air with cactus thorns sticking out of his body at all angles.
"Need a hand, Cactus Butt…" Logan said as he walked over to the gulch.
"OW! OW! OW!" Sands shouted as he raced across the lawn with Piper whacking him across the head with a broom, "Abusing the handicapped! Abusing the handicapped!"
Sands kept running as Piper was whacking him. Despite being trained how to handle his blindness by the Blind Master he was still fairly new to the endeavor. He ran smack into the large tree in the front of the house and knocked himself unconscious. Piper walked away, appearing to brush dust away from her hands.
"This is insane." Phoebe remarked.
"I'll say." Ted replied, "And some of us live here."
"How do you put up with it…" Phoebe asked.
"We'll, you can't help that." Ted replied, "We're all mad here."
"Alice in Wonderland." Paige quipped, "The Cheshire Cat."
"Very good." Ted smiled at her.
"We have a situation here," Phoebe remarked, "And you two are still flirting with each other…"
"I've learned on thing since taking in these mutants into this house." Roadblock said, as he walked over to them, "And that is let the fire keep burning, it'll burn itself out."
Several hours later the noise had subsided to a dull roar. Phoebe was giving Cover Girl a hand in tending to Claudius and Barney. Paige and Ted were in the next room helping Low Light and Roadblock set up the refreshments. Piper was chatting with Elizabeth on motherhood in the far corner.
"YOW! WOW! OW!" Shipwreck shouted from out back, "Storm! It was an accident!"
"You putting your hand on my bottom was no accident!" Storm shouted as she electrified him.
"God, Shipwreck," Cover Girl groaned, "Can't you take a hint?"
"What was that all about?" Phoebe asked.
"It's just that Shipwreck's been chasing Storm, a member of the X-men around for the longest time." Cover Girl explained, "He's had the biggest crush on her…"
"I take it she doesn't reciprocate, unless they're into an electrical form of S&M." Phoebe began.
"I'm not going to touch that line." Cover Girl replied.
"OW! YOW! NOT THE LIGHTNING! WHOA! WAIT! THE SNOW'S EVEN WORSE! YAH! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOOO! BRRRRRR!" Shipwreck shouted.
"That high riding snob." Cover Girl muttered.
"What was that?" Phoebe asked, as she lifted Claudius out of his playpen.
"Nothing." Cover Girl replied, defensively, as Barney lifted his arms. She lifted the little boy out.
Phoebe smiled at her and Cover Girl looked at her saying, "What was that all about?"
"Oh nothing." Phoebe said, innocently. Hmm, now for a different tactic.
Cover Girl said, "I know that smile means something."
Damn am I that transparent. Wait a second…Cover Girl thought.
"He's certainly a cute little guy." Phoebe remarked.
"Shipwreck is a lot of things, but short isn't one of them." Cover Girl replied.
"I was talking about this little guy." Phoebe said, "What's his name."
"His name's Barney." Cover Girl replied. Phoebe smiled again.
"Cute kid." Phoebe remarked, innocently, "Now, from what you told me, Althea, Brittany, Quinn, Daria and Claudius are all Shipwreck's children. Who's is this one?"
"He's Shipwreck's too." Cover Girl replied, "Barney's adopted."
"Really?" Phoebe said, "Where did he find him?"
"In Amsterdam, of all places. Barney was abandoned and was an attraction at a bar. He was malnourished with a broken arm. Shipwreck got into a brawl, set fire to the bar, and ran out with the kid in his arms." Cover Girl replied.
"That was sweet of him, in a slightly psychotic way." Phoebe replied, "Shipwreck sounds like his heart is in the right place…"
"…but his brain isn't." Cover Girl remarked.
"Granted, Shipwreck isn't the smartest guy in the world." Phoebe replied.
"The understatement of the year." Cover Girl remarked.
"But you have to admit, he's really got it where it counts." Phoebe replied.
"Why all this interest in me and Shipwreck all of a sudden?" Cover Girl replied.
"Well, you did seem a bit indignant when Storm started zapping him." Phoebe began.
"That was because I wanted Shipwreck to get a clue and realize Storm doesn't like him…" Cover Girl replied.
"That's so he'll start realizing others are waiting." Phoebe began.
"What?" Cover Girl asked.
"It's fairly obvious, Cover Girl." Phoebe replied, "You've got a thing of your own for Shipwreck."
"That's ridiculous!" Cover Girl snapped.
"Is it?" Phoebe replied, grinning enigmatically, "The evidence is there. You're jealousy of Storm…"
"I am not jealous of Storm." Cover Girl protested.
"Well, you seem to be upset that he's giving Storm all the attention." Phoebe replied, "And the very fact you're denying it…"
"Oh please…" Cover Girl groaned, "You're starting to sound like Psyche Out?"
"Who?" Phoebe asked.
"Our shrink." Cover Girl replied, "What are you, an advice columnist?"
"Actually yes." Phoebe replied, "I write a column in the Bay Mirror called 'Ask Phoebe', mostly for romantic advice."
"Don't you get tired of giving advice?" Cover Girl asked.
"I do. But in this case, I couldn't help but notice." Phoebe replied.
"I do not have feelings for Shipwreck." Cover Girl protested, "If anything I just hope Shipwreck figures things regarding Storm out before he really gets hurt."
"OW! No hail! That's fighting dirty! No fair!" Shipwreck could be heard screaming outside.
That high riding bitch. Cover Girl bristled to herself. Phoebe replied, "As if Shipwreck isn't getting hurt already."
"It just seems like Shipwreck has had a lot of tough breaks. I mean his wife left him for another man, leaving his heart in a dozen pieces. And then he goes for this Weather Bitch that keeps inflicting physical harm on him…" Cover Girl began.
"I see you've got more than your share of frustration regarding men." Phoebe replied.
Low Light walked into the room just then. Cover Girl walked up to him and asked, "Could you give me a hand with the punch and make sure Shipwreck doesn't spike it."
"Sure." Low Light shrugged.
"Thank you." Cover Girl said with her most winning smile. Come on Cooper, take a hint.
"You're welcome." Low Light said, before heading out of the room.
"The classic strong, silent type." Phoebe began, "What woman wouldn't be attracted to him? Unfortunately they usually have issues they need to sort through and often have commitment problems."
"Believe me, that isn't the half of it." Cover Girl began, "I mean, he's so guarded with his feelings, so secretive about everything. It takes forever to get what's bugging him into the open."
"Are you sure that's the kind of guy you want?" Phoebe replied, "At least Shipwreck is honest about his feelings."
"What's cooking? ME! YOUCH!" Shipwreck shouted as Ororo flung him on top of the grill out back.
"Communication is huge in relationships." Phoebe began.
"I don't think, "Hey baby, you look great" is open communication. Especially coming from Shipwreck." Cover Girl replied.
"Why not? He's complimenting you." Phoebe replied.
"Yeah and then he tries to get in my pants the next moment." Cover Girl replied, "I mean, Shipwreck can be a sweet, thoughtful guy and all but he says and does the dumbest things in the same breath."
"Sounds like Shipwreck could use a clue too." Phoebe replied.
"What makes you think I'd prefer Shipwreck?" Cover Girl replied.
"First of all, you're not getting anywhere with Low Light, though you desperately want to. Second of all, you've barely gone a few words without Shipwreck being mentioned." Phoebe replied.
"That's only because Storm keeps acting like a stuck up Weather Goddess by electrifying him every twenty seconds." Cover Girl snapped.
"YOWWWW! COLD! COLD! COLD! NOT THE ICE STORM!" Shipwreck screamed as Ororo blizzard blasted him.
"Aside from that, you've brought up all the good things about Shipwreck. For instance his heart being in the right place, his compliments…" Phoebe began.
"He's crass. He's overbearing. He's a complete clod." Cover Girl replied, "End of story."
She stormed out of the room and Phoebe's brain went into overdrive. "Hmm, it seems that if I can clue Shipwreck away from Storm and towards Cover Girl and get him to get a clue or two on how to behave towards women I can get those two love birds together." Phoebe said, "It seems that Cover Girl can't see what a great guy Shipwreck could be, because she's so intent on Low Light…This is a challenge worthy of a dozen issues of Ask Phoebe…"
"Gah?" Barney said, staring at Phoebe.
"Oh never mind..." Phoebe replied, rolling her eyes.
TBC
Cover Girl: You mean there's MORE of this?
Piper: At least he let me beat Sands to a pulp in this chapter.
Sands: Wuh…wuh…wuh…
Piper (grabs Barney's whiffle bat) : Excuse me…