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It was only as Shepard was straightening up the kitchen in preparation for the afternoon's event that she allowed herself to think about what was being done here today. And perhaps understood why she had allowed herself to become so incredibly drunk with Dr. Chakwas the night before.
In hosting this memorial, she was saying good-bye to Thane, once and for all. And she didn't want to. If it had been anyone other than Kolyat who had asked, she would have said no. Which would have been disrespectful to Thane, at the end of the day—he deserved a memorial, a moment for those who cared for him to come together in his memory. Shepard just didn't want to have to be there for it. To hear them all speak of him as dead felt so … final, to her, as though some connection that she still relied on would be lost.
But it was happening, and she couldn't stop it now.
"What's going on? You having that party Joker was talking about?" Kaidan asked, coming down with his hair still damp from the shower.
"No. Today is—I'm sorry, I completely forgot to tell you. I'm hosting a memorial service for Thane. You … you don't have to be here if you don't want to."
Kaidan looked saddened. "No, I do want to. I met him, you know, in the hospital. He was … a good man. I'm sorry he died. I know how that sounds, given you and me, but—I really am."
"I understand. And thank you." Juniper reached for his hand, holding it a moment, before returning to wiping down the countertops.
"So, how many people are coming to this memorial?"
"Oh, a dozen or so, I think. Why do you ask?"
"Well, how much food did you order?"
Juniper turned to look at him, frowning. "Food?"
"Yeah. Wait, you didn't order any food?"
"No. I take it I should have?"
He shook his head. "Sometimes I forget how much the military has been your life. The food at an event like this is very important—comforting, and something to do with your hands while you stand around and talk, and distracting from the emotions."
"Oh. I guess I can see that. Is it—is it too late?"
"No, but I'd better get moving." Kaidan wrapped an arm around her shoulders for an affectionate hug. "I'll take care of it."
"I can't ask you to do that! Not for—I mean, that seems strange, doesn't it?"
"Shepard. I didn't know Thane very well, but one thing he did tell me is that he wanted you to find love again, to be happy. I think he'd be okay with me arranging the food for his memorial service."
She smiled, although tears stung her eyes at the reminder of Thane's generosity of spirit. "I suppose he would have at that. Thank you, Kaidan."
"You bet." And he was gone, off on his errands, leaving Juniper to try not to cry, and to feel incredibly fortunate to have earned the love of two such men.
Kaidan was back, setting up a buffet on the war table, the food smelling incredible, by the time Kolyat arrived.
"Commander Shepard." Kolyat carried a large portable case slung over his shoulder, and a crate in his hands. "My father left these for you—books, and a few of his knives and guns. I see you now have a place to keep them."
"Yes. Thank you." She took the crate and case from him. "I'll be right back." She set them both down next to her bed, in front of the table where his prayer book lay, at her side every night, and went back downstairs. "Let me introduce you—Kolyat Krios, Kaidan Alenko."
The young drell nodded courteously at Kaidan. "I remember seeing you in the hospital. I trust your wounds have healed."
Kaidan returned the nod. "They have, thank you. I'm sorry about your father."
"Yes. He died the way he would have wished, so there is that to be grateful for. Commander, you have invited those my father was close to?"
"I have. I'm sorry none of your family from Kahje could be here."
"Some of them are as well." Unspoken was the reminder that Thane had not always been popular with his wife's family. "And the Councilor said he would be here."
Shepard would hope so, after the Councilor had saved Thane's life.
"Also …" Kaidan took a small data stick from his pocket and handed it to Shepard. "I found these on his personal terminal—they were from the time when you were on Earth. He tried to reach you many times."
"I was sequestered, my mail and messages frozen. I was afraid he would wear himself out trying to get in contact."
"I think he understood, although he worried for you."
Shepard took the data stick and tucked it away in a pocket. She would watch the vids later. For now, the others appeared to be arriving, and she managed a smile for her crew as they filed into the room. For a moment after she had closed the door behind them, she stood with her eyes closed, wishing she didn't have to open them, didn't have to say good-bye today. But there was no help for it. She was committed now.
Taking a deep breath, she thought of Kalahira, goddess of the ocean and the afterlife. Kalahira must have heard prayers like hers many and many a time, grieving family not ready to imagine the wide and impassable ocean between themselves and their loved ones, not quite yet. "Give me strength," Juniper whispered softly to the goddess, and she turned to join her guests.