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Memories

'Good night.'

Those simple words had made my day, stuck a golden halo on my mood, and chased away the dark shadows cumulating inside me. It wasn't really the words, to tell the truth, it was the person who said them. A person so great, that they could change the course of the world with a single smile. That is, if you lived in my world.

I suppose many would like to live in my world, would like to live the life of the 'golden boy'. Not that I am perfect, far from it, but people tend to admire those who are unfortunate enough to have a blood-sucking entourage of fan-girls and pureblood lineage to boot. It makes my life living hell. What wouldn't I do to escape 6 years worth of egotistical reputation, and start afresh.

I have no regrets, and I have no misgivings. I only wish for one thing. Yet, my heart's yearning is the one thing that I can never have. The one thing I have ruined for good. Lily Evan's love.

Yet, what can I say? I was just a kid. I admit I was rather indulged, both by my aging parents and by my most loyal mates. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

Sirius (Padfoot) and I were like brothers, in both heart and mind. We both shared a love of fun, jokes and the look on people's faces when they realized that the wool had been pulled over their eyes.

Remus (Moony) was the most studious of the four of us. He constantly had his nose in a book and was a bit of a stickler for rules. Although he is probably naturally school-inclined, I think it might be a security issue. He feels as if he had to excel at everything to compensate for his 'little problem'. We love him anyways.

Peter (Wormtail) is the oddest of us. He is rather mousy, and seems to have a very submissive personality. Sometimes I think he acts like Padfoot and I are gods. Other than that, he is okay to be around, although he lacks certain features that the rest of us share, (looks being a prime example.)

In our 2nd year, we were spending a detention with the caretaker of the grounds, a ancient man by the name of Argus Flitch. I believe the incident at hand had something to do with hanging Snivelly's graying underpants out of the astronomy tower, but I am not sure, when he sprayed, "Professor Dippit swears that if we have any funny business out of you, you," (here he paused, his face a rather interesting shade of plum) "You Marauders! Than you will all have detentions with me for the remainder of the term!" he finished. After that incident, we dubbed ourselves the marauders, and marauders we remain.

Back to Evans though. I loved her. From her milky white skin to the way her cheeks flushed when she was particularly angry. Her copper tendrils, to her emerald eyes. The way her soft body hunched over her text books in the Gryffindor common room. Yes, Lily was perfect.

Unfortunately, she seemed to resent my prankster ways and everything that went with them. She was the only one who rushed to defend Snivelly and pointed out my every flaw. She never smiled back in the halls, and she always turned my frequent requests for her company. She said she could never date someone whose head was so inflated. She told me I was cruel. She scorned me and my fan girls. (Not that I asked for them!) She told me that there was no way on earth that she would succumb to the whim of someone so daft. Yet I kept trying.

I hadn't meant for it to happen. At the time I didn't even know. It was 3rd year, four years from today, and Sirius and I had consumed a wee bit to much firewiskey. We had a reason to celebrate though; I had just won my first Quidditch Cup. Of course, Sirius was never one to turn down the offer of booze, so he joined in the fun.

In my inebriated state, I had sauntered over to Evans, and told her that I needed her help. Running my hand through my hair, I drawled, 'Come on, follow me!' I thought I looked so sexy, but than again, with that much alcohol in my bloodstream, I would have thought the giant squid was pretty damn hot. In my alcohol slanted vision, her skin glowed with an errant light, and her hair was a rosy halo. I had never seen anything so entrancing, so arousing.

She had tucked her long hair behind her ears, and looked at me quizzically. At this time, she had only minor dislike for me and my crowd; she thought that we were annoying, but not bad. Being the innocent and good-willed person that she was, she had complied, and followed me to the third year boy's dorm. As I had stumbled up the steps, my world spinning before my eyes, she followed me.

It hurts how much she had trusted me than. How she had walked slowly in my wake, placing her hand on my back when I faltered. How her deep green eyes were trained on me with concern.

When we reached the top of the stair, I had slunk my hand around her waist, and lead her past Remus, Peter and Sirius's beds. When we reached mine, I wrenched the hangings back, and flopped down upon it. I pulled her protesting form into my lap.

"Li-y," I slurred, "I luff yoo Li-y." A foolish grin on my face, I pulled her close, crushing her lips on mine.

"James." She hissed, "Stop it."

I smiled at her, and poked her brow. "Silly Li-y. I dun wanna sop." As if that should have ended the whole conversation, I had placed my hands on the small of her back once again holding her against me. She wriggled in my hold, but I had refused to let go. Snaking one hand up her loose blouse, I grinned.

She placed both hands on my chest, and shoved me backwards. My head snapped back, colliding with one of the bed posts. My stomach reeling, I watched her flee, not registering any of it. I laughed, but my joviality was cut short by my body's rejection of the firewiskey.

I looked up to see Remus towering over me. Lily stepped out from behind him, disgusted at my vomit covered body, "What the hell James?" She had rasped, "You keep your hands off of me, you pervert. I don't give a shit about what compelled you to do that, be it firewiskey or pure lust. I hate you Potter!" With that she fled, leaving me to stare, confused at Remus.

Shaking his head, he refused to meet my eyes, "Sorry man." He mumbled, before turning and walking to his own bed and drawing the drapes.

I didn't realize until later that she had like me. Not in a lustful way, but she hadn't detested me. For a while I had made my life's goal to annoy her as much as possible. The marauders had made her life living hell, although Remus never did enjoy it much. We put frogs in her bed, and transfigured her books into rabbits.

In my 5th year, I found a depth to myself that I hadn't realized before. My heart throbbed for her, but I knew that if I had confessed to her, she would think me joking. After all, she was the one who I had taunted for the last 2 years. Although I did ask her out routinely, she always rejected me.

I was royally fucked.

Author's Comments

This is my first fanfic, so please review and tell me what you think. pokes review button. Constructive criticism is great, but be sure to include how to fix it! Thanks so much!