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When everyone was gone, Kaidan came to Shepard. He was holding a damp dish towel, which he threw over his shoulder in order to reach for her hands. "You all right?"
"I'm … I'm okay." Was she? She wasn't sure.
"I'll tell you what—why don't I go get us some dinner, give you some space, and then I'll come back and we'll eat and maybe watch some mindless vid?"
"Yeah. That sounds good. Thanks, Kaidan."
"Hey. Anytime." He squeezed her hand, but didn't move to kiss her, which she appreciated.
Once Kaidan had left, Shepard stood in the middle of the apartment, the silence broken only by the sound of the speeding cars outside the window. Suddenly, she couldn't bear it. She wanted—she wanted to hear Thane's voice again. She needed it, needed to remember, to feel him with her, because he felt so out of reach, so ... gone.
She remembered some messages he had tried to send her while she was locked up on Earth. In the little den, she called them up on the screen. When his beloved face appeared her eyes welled up with tears, but she blinked them hastily away, pretending that instead of a vid screen, it was Thane standing in front of her.
The first message made it clear that he was glad to have left the Normandy when he had, glad to have spent the extra time with his son. He talked of Kolyat being frightened the first time Thane had an attack in front of him, and Shepard remembered all too well how that had felt. Of course, Thane worried that mentioning it would make her feel guilty, or worry about him. Which it would have, had the message ever reached her. He told her to be brave; he told her she was good at that. For him, she would try to be, even though she wasn't sure she felt it any longer.
His face disappeared from the screen and she hurried to start the next message, wanting to keep him with her.
The second message talked about the changes he had made to his way of living in order to provide a good example for Kolyat and expressed relief that his son was beginning to make better choices with his life. If only he could see Kolyat now, Shepard thought. He was a young man any parent could be proud of, and Thane had done that, far more than he ever gave himself credit for.
The third message talked about a trip he and Kolyat had taken to the desert, and Shepard closed her eyes and could feel that desert heat on her skin, see the intense blue of the sky. How glad she was to have those memories. How glad she was that Thane had had those memories to take with him as his life force ebbed and he was force to do what he had never wanted—submit himself to life in a hospital, tethered to machines.
The fourth and last message had an air of finality. She could feel how worried Thane had been that he wouldn't live to see her again. Tears were rolling unchecked down her face as she listened to what, in truth, were his last words to her.
"I cannot forget you," he told her. "That is what humans say. With us, it is a state called tu fira: lost in another. It can consume us. In case you are in the same pain, I want to say … you have only made my life better. You gave me you, Kolyat … Even the Omega 4 relay made me feel … purposeful. We are alive, Siha. And when we are not, I will meet you across the sea."
The screen went black, but the sensation of Thane in the room with her remained. "I wish you could be here with me," she whispered to him.
And she could hear him, somehow, saying, "I am always with you, Siha. I would not trade the time I had with you for anything. Take the time you need to rest, to celebrate. You deserve it. Then go and finish your fight. And when the time comes for you to go to the sea, I will be waiting for you at the shore."
The whisper of his voice echoed in the air, so clear she could hear every rasp, every breath. And for the first time since his death, Shepard felt … whole.
Across the apartment, she heard the door open. "Kaidan, that you?" she called.
"Yes. You okay? I can run some more errands if you—"
Turning off the screen, she left the den and went to help him with his packages. "No, you're fine. Thanks. You need some help?"
"It's just putting everything on plates. You like batarian spiced barbeque?"
"I do, actually."
"Great!" Kaidan busied himself opening boxes and spooning things onto plates.
"Kaidan?"
"Yeah?"
"What's the ocean like?"
He stopped, frowning at her. "You've seen oceans."
"Yeah, but … not really. I mean, you've walked on the beach, and … I don't know, made sandcastles, and—what else do people do at beaches?"
"I forget sometimes, how much of your life you've spent in space. The ocean … Man, I miss it. The way the waves sound as they roll in and ebb away, the smell, the salt in the air, the spray on your face …"
Watching him, Juniper felt oddly as though all of this had been meant to be. One man waiting for her across the sea, one man here sharing his love of the sea with her … It felt right. "Take me someday, will you?"
"What, to the ocean? It's a promise."